Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
Pam,

Quote
I would have insisted he takes the kids out...

Be careful not to use the kids as pawns.

Attempting to 'force' the kids on each other is using them.

Also, avoid phrases like: 'want the kids'

They need to feel wanted more now then ever...by BOTH of their parents.


ba109
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
Slap,

Moving to a club house across the street does not make you 'separated' any more than sleeping in the basement did.


ba109
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
I know ba, thats why I had them stay with me... they never heard the conversation. They're upstairs by that time. Of course they're wanted and loved. I'd rather have them here any time...just didn't like WS droping them off earlier cause he wanted to go have fun... it was his night with them after all. there must be a better way to handle this.

Well, back to taking care of the kids. YS kept me up all night( some kind of stomach flu.)


Pam
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 777
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 777
Pam,
Just keep your head up. It will get better I promise it will. Look for a lawyer asap. You need to be protected now. They can help you work out a fair child support settlement plus maybe get you your share of that 2000.00 dollars back. You also need a more structured child visitation agreement.

Just words from the unwise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jill


live for today for there may not be a tomorrow
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 15,150
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 15,150
Pam, I recommend that you find some counseling for the boys. They need to know they are not the only children facing this. They need a safe, neutral person to talk to. And I recommend some counseling for you - after all you have not only your own changes and fears and stresses to deal with - but you also have the boys' issues to handle.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
Pam, did you get my e-mail?


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 973
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 973
Hello Pam Blue,

Just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. Please find a lawyer to help you with this horrible situation as soon as you can. Perhaps you can apply for legal aid assistance. I'm Canadian and I'm familiar with our federal support programs. I'm sure you know this, but the "family allowance" you get (the cheque in your name only) does NOT need to be shared with Slap. It's for your children and to be used with your discretion. I read where you offered to give him half of it. Please, he IS NOT entitled to it.

Until you get back on your feet, maybe you can apply for social assistance? And the other posters are correct, his CS cannot be lowered just because you have other income coming in.

Also, he got a pention plan while he is still legally married to you. Doesn't that make it community property?

You are right on not wanting to move your children to a new school to get more affordable housing. They have had enough change. Don't allow him to pressure you into this. It's not fair to them.

Too bad you didn't live in AB where they have mailed out $400 cheques to every adult in the province!

Slap, just in case you see this. From one Canuck to another, I want to kick you a** for spending the night with another woman so soon after this breakup with your wife. You are still MARRIED. Gross. . . .

I've said enough.

RG


Keep on keepin on.
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
Hi guys

I try and keep my head up, but somedays is very hard.
H's uncle's funeral is today... and his dad called on Sunday to say that his aunt passed away( her funeral is on Saturday) and that H's grandma is in the Hospital again, and it looks bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Just feels like we're sorrounded by all these bad things happening all at once. Sodays it's just too much. I didn't know his aunt very well, but I remember she came to our wedding. His grandma, in the other hand, i love her...she's a sweetheart, and I'd hate to see her go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> We're supposed to go over there in June for a family reunion and celebrate her 80th b-day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

As for the 2000, it's all gone. The same day the money was there, he took out 500(and deposited on his personal checkings account, I'm sure) and wrote himself another check for 500, and put into his personal checkings again... the rest of it, he just spent on whatever he needed to get prepared for the move.

I'm too exausted right now (physically/ mentally/ spiritually). I still have days when it seems like its all just a stupid dream. But whatever... one day at a time. I have no choice but to live it one stupid-little-slow day at a time. I'll get there.

Also, I keep in touch with the school counselor for the kids. She knows how upset they were last week about spending 4 days at the appartament, and whatnot. She has kept in touch with the kids, and has been helpfull. The kids have no problem talking to her.
I haven't found somebody for myself yet... too much going on, but I will.
I wont be going ot the funeral today. I don't feel like I belong there and will not be confortable been sorrounded by his family right now. I'd feel like everyone'd be staring at me and feeling sorry for me or whatever, and i don't want that. I'll be home babysitting H's little cousing who asked if he can come over and play with my boys cause he doesn't want to go to the funeral. The kids are excited to spend the afternoon with their little cousin, cause they don't see him much.

it's nice and sunny out, even thou its cold (-29 but really -39 with the wind chill). That's ok, the sunlight helps and it cheers me up a little bit. I'm gonna go downstair get some things done, and enjoy the day with my kids since the next coule of days they're with dad and will only come home to sleep on their beds.

Kayla, you've got e-mail.


Pam
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
Hi RG. Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't know the first thing about legal aid. Or what the first step should be or who to call first. Plus I'm afraid that getting lawyers involved will only make things worse for the kids. I'll look it up online and see what informations I can get. I also want to look into "for the sake of the children" and see if that'd be a better choice, to get a mediator.
As for the family allowence, i get that. I don't share it... part of it is going to help me with rent as well. H hasn't asked or wnat a share of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> what I had offered him before was part of a one-time-only checke that the government had sent to all families receiving child tax benefit, to help them with the cost of gas for last year cause the gas prices ha gone so high and they were trying to buy people's support for the elections that was comming up. That was an dfferent check that I got, on top of child tax check... that's why i offered.

I'm hoping to aplly for something called CRISP and SAFER, wich works almost the same way as income assitence, only they don't give you as much money, but the good side is that I get to keep every cent i make at work. there's no deduction and whatnot... wich there would be if i went o assistence, cause they'd deduct every cent from what H gives me, plus from my income, allowing me only to keep the first 100 dolars and 25% of every 100 bucks after that.

I'm still waiting for a letter from one of my employers to arrive in the mail before i canapply for anythig right now. They need all the income info.

I cannot apply for income assitance if i'm on CRISP AND SAFER, and vice-versa.

"Also, he got a pention plan while he is still legally married to you. Doesn't that make it community property?"

I don't know how that works. I can ask around and see...but since the money is gone, there's nothing more i can do.

"You are right on not wanting to move your children to a new school to get more affordable housing. They have had enough change. "

Thankyou. I plan on staying where I am, for a while if i can. The kids are taking this pretty hard. Enough changes for now.

"Don't allow him to pressure you into this. It's not fair to them. "

I'm sure he still thinks i should, vause it'd be a lot easier income wise, but he hasn't said anything also about it. Mind you, though, I'm not letting anyone talk me out of what my instincts tell me. and right now They tell me that staying put is the best for the kids... if that feeling changes eventually, then i'll deal with it. Right now, this is home for the kids, as well as myself.

"Too bad you didn't live in AB where they have mailed out $400 cheques to every adult in the province! "
yeah, here it was 250. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> well, still better than a kick in the face. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

" Slap, just in case you see this. I want to kick you a** for spending the night with another woman so soon after this breakup with your wife."

You and me both. that's ok... what goes around comes around... he'll get his.



Pam
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
Quote
I'm sure you know this, but the "family allowance" you get (the cheque in your name only) does NOT need to be shared with Slap. It's for your children and to be used with your discretion. I read where you offered to give him half of it. Please, he IS NOT entitled to it.

No, the child tax benefit is hers alone. The money that she offered to split that I declined was that one time energy rebate cheque that came from the feds in January.

Quote
You are right on not wanting to move your children to a new school to get more affordable housing. They have had enough change. Don't allow him to pressure you into this. It's not fair to them.

Who's pressuring her?

Quote
Too bad you didn't live in AB where they have mailed out $400 cheques to every adult in the province!

I've lived in Alberta before, the 400 wouldn't have been worth it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Quote
Slap, just in case you see this. From one Canuck to another, I want to kick you a** for spending the night with another woman so soon after this breakup with your wife. You are still MARRIED. Gross. . . .

I think I already admitted that i shouldn't have done that. If I had that day to live over again, I'd do it differently.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 4,424
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 4,424
Quote
I think I already admitted that i shouldn't have done that. If I had that day to live over again, I'd do it differently.

Are you going to start living today differently by not being in those situations?


Me - BS DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003 DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007 Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
"I think I already admitted that i shouldn't have done that. "
Thank you, I feel better now... all the pain is gone.

" If I had that day to live over again... "
But you don't... all it's left now is for you to deal with the consequences... and you will. Like i said, what goes around, comes around... I don't care if it takes a month, a year, 2, 3, 4, 10 years... I don't care...you'll get yours.

" ... I'd do it differently." Sure you would. You say that now cause you claim toregret it...but had you had the same opportunity... you'd have done the same thing. Think about it.

Anyways, whatever... Forget it. I don't wanna think about any of this crap today. I wanna be in a good mood.

So I'm gonna go now and listen to music and dance around the house, and have a fun day with my kids. I'ts my only day off this week (thank God...i need to keep my mind busy). So I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest, if I can help it.


Pam
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 3,042
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 3,042
Quote
As for the 2000, it's all gone. The same day the money was there, he took out 500(and deposited on his personal checkings account, I'm sure) and wrote himself another check for 500, and put into his personal checkings again... the rest of it, he just spent on whatever he needed to get prepared for the move.

Sounds like he's got $1000 somewhere. It's amazing how they can justify steeling $ from the family. Just amazing. I never get over this, he's got his mom's furniture and all the cash? What kind of math is that?

Hang in there. Looks like a rough year ahead of you, but it'll pass, too. Be smart, get the $ nailed down as soon you can. Even if you cant get your share of that $2000, you can get it assessed towards you in the divorce. It was family money, subject to division in the divorce settlement just as any other asset. I'm guessing this was some sort of 401k/workers fund? Be sure your lawyer has this secured so that it's not wiped out by the time the D comes around.

Hang in there - Dru

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
Quote
I wouldn't know the first thing about legal aid. Or what the first step should be or who to call first. Plus I'm afraid that getting lawyers involved will only make things worse for the kids.

This may well be what WH is counting on. WH is going to divorce you. He has made that very clear. The 12 month clock is ticking. Do not sit back and do nothing while life is dealt to you by WH.


ba109
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
Quote
It was family money, subject to division in the divorce settlement just as any other asset.

A very large portion of that money WAS spent on family things, save $400 that I used to purchase a bed for myself.

I don't see that as particularly unfair, since she wanted to keep our bed which cost about 5 times as much.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 777
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 777
Pam,
Getting legal help will not hurt the kids it will help in the long run. You need everything to be as fair as it possibly can. Not only for the kids but you too.

Jill


live for today for there may not be a tomorrow
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
"I don't see that as particularly unfair, since she wanted to keep our bed which cost about 5 times as much."

The bed is as big as your whole bedroom at the appartment. You'd have to remove your bedroom door in order to get in and out of there if you had the bed... besides, I had to put my foot down and keep something. I told you, if you wanted to leave , it was your choice, I was keeping the bed... you chose to leave... you made your decision now live with it, after all, the rest of us have to.

I'm pretty sure your mom paid for the bed too.

I told you I was entitled to some of that money...if you paid some of the bills , fine, they were your bills to pay and catch up before you left. But the fact that you hid that money tells me there's more to the story... you did not have 1500 bucks worth of bills in this house for you to catch up... give me a brake.

Face it... you're full of it. Blame me all you want... you're not inocente, not for a long shot.
Like you said, there are 2 sides to every story told... well, my side says that anything also you say are just excuses to try and convince yourself as well as anyone also that you've done nothign wrong and it's all my fault. Bulls#it.

whatever... we can talk about it later and set up an appointment to see a mediator. I will look into that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


Pam
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 57
"A very large portion of that money WAS spent on family things, save $400 that I used to purchase a bed for myself."

hm... brand new double bed... $400.00,

first month's rent $540.00,

damage deposit $270.00,

Rumers Comedy Club with a new date after 13 years $30 to $40.00

plus the cost of food and drinks ($80.00? $140.00??),

Hotel room so you could get laid on the first date with the first date you cheated on your wife with after 13 years $100.00 to $150.00,

Room service or ordering pizza after having passionate sex with the slut you just met and had first date with $40.00 to $100.00...

having delibarately no told your mom you're gonna be gone all night so she'd show up at your BS's BEDROOm door without calling first, at 9 am to get her worried and think you're dead somewhere, only to find out you're just getting lucky, and this way give your final blow to her heart, cause she's so f**ing dificult to live with, does not look like a supermodel, does not have her citizenship (and God forbid you remain married to someonoe who can do anything on a permanent resident visa, but vote or go to the States for holidays wich we could just plan ahead and get her a visitors pass fot the vacation time), does not have a drivers license( even if neither of you can afford a second car or a second insurance), did not have a better paying job (nevermind she works 2 part time jobs and have to put up with your pain in the neck attittude and your mom's who lived in the house for the past 7 years), who the only 2 things she's ever insisted on was that you get your mom her own place so you could both work out your marital problems, as well as asked you to show a bit more affection (how dare she?), and deserves for you to cheat and punish her for everything bad and wrong that everyone ever did to you in your freaking life... P R I C E L E S S . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />


Pam
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,141
Quote
Blame me all you want... you're not inocente, not for a long shot. Like you said, there are 2 sides to every story told... well, my side says that anything also you say are just excuses to try and convince yourself as well as anyone also that you've done nothign wrong and it's all my fault. Bulls#it.

I am not trying to say that it's all your fault. Certainly not, but this isn't all MY fault either.

Who's fault it is is a juvenile argument anyway. What matters is what happens from here.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Slap,

Very few of your *recent* (not historical) actions have been compassionate given the present circumstances...including posting on this thread. I know you are not a mean person, or a monster....but reading and posting on this thread.....no matter what other people think of you, or what decide is accurate or not....is crummy idea. First of all....at the very least.....Pam deserves a place where she can come and vent without your interference. She needs this place more than you do....and you know it. You have far more avenues for support....including me. Please....let her have this little peaceful corner of this great big MB world...okay? Aside from that....it undermines her ability to get support if she's sparring with you instead and can create a dynamic where the two of you "bait" each other....and neither heals. It continues the conflict which was a large part of why the two of you are no longer together....you have seen this happen before on this board and it always gets ugly....and sometimes....both people even end up banned. Conflict is the last thing those little boys need....so if you can't do it for Pam, or for you....please....the kids don't need the fallout. It might be hard to refrain from defending yourself when you hear ugly accusations.....but I hope that if you're resolved to divorcing, that you'll resolve yourself also to allowing your wife to seek help and start your own thread elsewhere if you need support too. If you want her out of your life....this is a good place to demonstrate that you'll give her the space to move forward without you. It's hard not to inject your defense when you feel you're being vilified....but someone who is secure in their own selfworth....can easily do it. Now, you're not going to like what I have to say next....but you seem to be in a bit of fog about ethics, honesty and finances. As an ethical person....and knowing that Pam is not as "savvy" as you are about laws and such because of being an expatriate....this is the advice I would give any woman whose husband was making the kinds of decisions that you are currently.

Pam,

If Slap were divorcing me (instead of you) and it was a calm, honest and respectful process...I would love to go to mediation instead of court and make the easiest transitions for the kids I possible could. However, if I found he was already dating, spending money on other women, raiding the marital assets without my knowledge, doing creative math....I would probably be way more skeptical about him being fair, or without representation of my own. I would seek independent information about whether mediation, collaborative family law (another option in Canada) or a traditional divorce was the best option for me. Even if you decide on mediation....the information that I'm seeing about Canadian divorce law says that an attorney is the right person to prepare you for that process and help you understand what things you need to take with you to mediation.....even if you don't use him/her during the actual divorce. So, take some deep breaths, stop raging....get smart....I would like you to also refrain using the board as a way to send zingers out. Use it for support and strength in making the independent decisions that you must make now.

Y'all know I care about you both. Surely things are hurtful and crazy enough without going out this way???? Please gather your strength both of you....and do the right thing for those babies. Be smart. Be kind. Be ethical. Be fair. Be honest. Be compassionate.

Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 893 guests, and 60 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Nofoguy, Ingrid Guerci, Wifey02, forevermemorable, Hairyfeet
71,821 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5