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Slap, What did you offer her? Did you ever ask her how you were doing as a husband?
Cherished

Once upon a time, I offered a lot and we did have talks about how I was doing as a husband.

I don't see much point in doing an autopsy on what went wrong. Anyone who's been here long enough already has their own opinion on that subject.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
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SN-

Cherished was being sincere in her question. I'm sure she is trying to get a husband's perspective, beings she is going thru a very painful experience, and searching for answers from ALL angles. So...please...be nice! Not everyone here is attempting to attack you.

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Sorry, didn't mean to sound defensive.

This is probably not the thread to be talking about what I tried and didn't try in terms of working on my marriage though.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
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Ok. Well maybe the EN board would be a better place in terms of expressing this. Just a thought, not a snap. Hope all works out for the two of you. Take care...

Jennifer

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by KA:
Just forget it. I don't think any sensible person would believe a man who had kept his secret email away from his wife for the duration of his marriage to her really dealt with her openly or honestly or gave the marriage a fighting chance - ESPECIALLY when he broke his word on getting rid of his mother from the family dwelling many many times - as many times as Pam promised to lose weight...

Slap,

You complained about her excessively despite your numerous shortcomings (YOUR weight, your underemployment, your hiding in the basement).

You started dating while throughly married.

You took and hid $2000 of family money (why not give her $1000 to start her new life, too? not happening, eh?).

You left right when she lost some weight and got a job (course you had already started dating).

You did not protect her from the knowledge that you were getting laid.

You didnt take all her furniture, 'mom' did. Very nice, same effect. Jeeeze.

Did you really have to kick her on the way out the front door? You could have told your mother anything regarding staying out all night to keep her from worrying and informing Pam. You didnt.

Your wife is in the middle of getting dumped. Your actions seem especially cruel.

Cruel.

Way to go. Forget the marriage, you cant even get the break up right. What DID you learn here? Unbelievable.

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"Slap, You complained about her excessively despite your numerous shortcomings (YOUR weight, your underemployment, your hiding in the basement).

You started dating while throughly married.

You took and hid $2000 of family money (why not give her $1000 to start her new life, too? not happening, eh?).

You left right when she lost some weight and got a job (course you had already started dating).

You did not protect her from the knowledge that you were getting laid.

You didnt take all her furniture, 'mom' did. Very nice, same effect. Jeeeze.

Did you really have to kick her on the way out the front door? You could have told your mother anything regarding staying out all night to keep her from worrying and informing Pam. You didnt.

Your wife is in the middle of getting dumped. Your actions seem especially cruel.

Cruel.

Way to go. Forget the marriage, you cant even get the break up right. What DID you learn here? Unbelievable. "


Drucilla, Thankyou <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />


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*sigh*

I can't ethically comment on anything except what's on this thread, but I wanted you both to know that I am finally reconnected, online and you are still free to call. Email me and I'll send you my new number.

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I still stand by my assessment that Slap was/is a very abusive emotionally husband to Pam. He will not even let Pam have a message on this board without taking control of it.

Pam maybe you should have had both him and his mom move further away than across the street. Try and ignore them and rebuild your life.

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When it comes down to the nitty gritty, the mole dissappears. I was waiting for the money money reply but I see it's not going to happen, PAMtrueBLUE1 take care of your self and take care of your babies, because I think it's going to be this way for a while.

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Pam Blue wrote:

"M went out last night and all he said to me was 'I'll be gone for the evening...' and it's now almost 9:30 and he's not home yet, and I'm afraid is laying dead in a gatter somewhere...I don't know what to do."

[color:"red"]So Slappy, where were you? [/color]

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I agree with Drucilla. What did you learn here, Slappy???

Was all your years of written fodder on ENs a means to an end. The end being sleeping with other women while still married hoping you will be absolved because you "tried".

What happened to "end one relationship before you begin another"? What are you modeling for your children? Moreover, you fully know the BS pain you may be causing Pam by virtue of being an MB member. Does that even matter to you?

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Was all your years of written fodder on ENs a means to an end. The end being sleeping with other women while still married hoping you will be absolved because you "tried".

Yes, I spent 5 years here and wrote over six thousand posts just so I could sleep with a date shortly after moving out. It was all my master plan. I had it all figured out in 2001. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
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You just keep deflecting and avoiding answering questions, Slappy.

What did you learn here after 4+ years? And how are you applying it in your current situation?

Is having an affair while MARRIED what you learned from Harley's principals?

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You just keep deflecting and avoiding answering questions, Slappy.

Just the stupid ones.

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What did you learn here after 4+ years? And how are you applying it in your current situation?

I think I learned quite a bit, actually.

Quote
Is having an affair while MARRIED what you learned from Harley's principals?

Well, as I said before I see a big difference between what I did and having an "affair". We are separated. We no longer live together.

Harley's principles are quite right. In our case, the unmet needs and lovebusters on both of our parts led to withdrawl and eventually separation.

I know everyone here thinks that I verbally abused her about her weight and made selfish demands about that and the few other things i wanted from her. This is simply not the case. If you ask the few MB people who have gotten to know me away from this site, I am not the monster that I am often portrayed as.

You can say what you want from a thousand miles away about how well you think I tried at this, but in my opinion, I tried much more at this than most of you think.

When we were in coaching, W would pay lip service to the coach and then ridicule what she was supposed to be doing to my face. This was the last straw to me.

Then it just got to the point that I lost all interest in participating.

I didn't go to coaching with the intent of bailing out. Robin was volunteering her time, and frankly, I respect her too much to waste that time. She had precious little of it to go around.

So feel free to judge away, I don't really care what any of you think. I know what I put into my marriage.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
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Slap wrote:

"Well, as I said before I see a big difference between what I did and having an "affair". We are separated. We no longer live together."

I see, so its NOT an affair even though you are STILL MARRIED. Interesting statement, but not surprising coming from someone involved in an affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

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Well, as I said before I see a big difference between what I did and having an "affair". We are separated. We no longer live together.

Incredible. Self-validation is an amazing thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


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Ohhhhh yeah. Slap's un-affair is so different than the hundreds (if not thousands) of WS's who have posted over on GQII.

You can only guess he has read there and has seen the carniage and the characteristics/excuses & justifications one uses when in an affair. Yet ... he wrote that anyway and expects we would consume it. Amazing.

Jo

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"I don't think any sensible person would believe a man who had kept his [color:"red"]secret email [/color] away from his wife [color:"blue"]for the duration of his marriage [/color] to her really dealt with her openly or honestly or gave the marriage a fighting chance"

You know, the above should have been a BIG RED flag. Why in the world would a spouse need SECRET EMAIL throughout the marriage??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Jo

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Pam - rather than permit your husband any further allowance on YOUR thread, I no longer want to address your husband's selfish and adolescent behavior.

However, I am worried about you - He has a habit of shutting you up - even now that he no longer lives there. I hope you are doing better this week. Please touch base with us, if not here, on the other board, where it's a bit safer from dominance and justification.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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" Pam - rather than permit your husband any further allowance on YOUR thread, I no longer want to address your husband's selfish and adolescent behavior.

However, I am worried about you - He has a habit of shutting you up - even now that he no longer lives there. I hope you are doing better this week. Please touch base with us, if not here, on the other board, where it's a bit safer from dominance and justification. "


Hey KaylaAndy. Thank you.

This is been really hard on the kids, specially this weekend, cause they're supposed tobe with dad Thursday through Sunday. I'd pick them up monday after school.
However, wednesday night, 7yo cried in bed saying he didn't want to spend 4 days straight at the appartment. I want to stay here with you.

I told him htat the apartament was his house too,and that they could find fun things to do with dad. He just cried, then he asked me "why did this have to happen?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

me "mom and dad have problems that they could not fix"
YS "why not?"

Me "sometimes it's too hard and you can't fix it"

YS "like what?"

ME "sometimes couples fall out of love, hun."

YS "you mean you don't love dad anymore?"

ME "not necessarily..."

YS "you mean dad doesn't love you??"

ME "something like that..."

he bursts out in tears. i told him it's ok. that everything is going to be fine... that people can't always help the way they feel, but that no matter what, mom and dad would always love him...that it's impossible to fall out of love with your kids. That he must know and feel our love for him and his brother, whenever we hug them or play with them...in our tone of voice, or when we just tell them we love them...

He said he knew we love them both and always will... and kept on crying as he hugged me and wouldn't let go. I cried a bit with him, then I told him thing will really be ok again.
I ended up having to get him on the phone with dad, so dad could reasure him, as well, since he was so upset.

Thursday night, WS called so I could talk to the boys...they were both very upset. YS hiccuped from crying so much... I told him to take a deep breath, and calm down, cause I could not understand a word he said. Finally between hiccups he tells me he wants to come home...he doesn't want to be there and he misses me. i try and calm him down. then i talk to OS who's also in tears and wants to come home.

Last time they slept there, was before MIL moved her stuff in, so the kids got tosleep in their own bedroom...but till the end of the moth, MIL is gonna be in their bedroom, and they have to bunk with dad...and so they're feeling overwelmed.

the kids also said they missed been tucked in by me, and they missed their beds... so YS asked me to come over and tuck him in... I really didn't want to go into the appartament...i had no desire to see what it looked like inside... but the things you'll do for your kids...

I went over there, they still upset. I told WS I was taking them home.... they needed to sleep in their bed... the room was too crowded, and they're obviosly overwelmed with everything... and that we needed to talk about this arrangment and change it.

They spent the night here, and WS picked them up in the morning to take them to school.

After school they're supposed to spend the day with dad and we're gonna go for supper together, to discuss a new arrangment.
Well, at 2:30 his aunt calls me to tell me his uncle had passed away. I got a hod of H and told him, so he could let his mom know (it was her brother that had passed away). I offered to stay home from work, and watch the kids, since H was gonna have to take his mom to see his aunt, and the uncle's body was still at his place, and i didn't want the kids to see that. H said he didn't want to put me out... but I stayed with the kids anyways... I could not have focused on work when this was going on.

We had an early supper where we told the kids that for the time beeng, the're going to spend thursday and friday with dad, still...but at bed time, they come to the house...at least till the end of this moth, to get them used to been at the app. and that after that, grandma will have moved out, so they can have their room back at the apptm. and it would feel a bit more like home if they had their own room, etc.
Weekends with dad, will be the same, till the end of the month...

After that, we'll see how they're adjusting to it, and they'll eventually spend the evenings there.

I hate this whole thing... I hate making my kids having to adjust to something they don't want. Weather H likes it or not, the kids do not like the idea of having two homes, and having to sleep away from here... and althou this is the way things will be from now on...i making things worse for them. but Idon't know how to make it easier on them...I wish I knew, and if anyone has any sggestions, tell me, cause I hate putting them through this.

when i brought them home Thursday night, OS cried all the way home... then ran to his bed, and when i ched on him, he was still crying 20 minutes later...and kept asking me "whydid this have to happen...i didn't ask for this...i don't like it. I does it have tobe this way?"

I just, again, hugged him and cried with him, and told him, I was sorry we could not make it work, and i was sorry they were having such a hard time, and that I wish I could make it better... but i can't. I can just promise them that it will get better.

I told him i didn't like it either, and that it was hard on all of us, and thatI had my share of tears too, so for him no to think for on momment that this wasnot bothering me... that I felt his pain and i'm sorry I can't take it away.
He just cried and cried... wouldn't sleep till after midnight. This is really hard. I cna't dal with my emotions, cause there's too much going on.

My aunt died December 22, 2005... Jan 04 H informs me he's leavng me. Jan 25th my friend gets hit at a crosswalk and dies the next day. Jan 31 H moves out, Feb 01 was my friends funeral, on Feb. 04 they moved their stuff out of the house, and i'm spending my first day alone with the kids( never even had my own room till I was 19...never mind a whole house). Feb 05 MIL scares me to death cause h spent the night out ...turns out he was just getting laid... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
Feb 08 i find the bank statment and find out about the 2thous... Feb 10(yesterday) H's uncle dies... What next?? is there anything good for 2006??? Does anyone have a remote control that can forward through time???<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> I'm so freaking tired of everything... I cannot stand this anymore...

Now, to top it off, i told H yesterday to bring the kids over a bit later today, since it was saturday, and he should do something with them, and only bring them at bedtime... he comes over at 9, and drops them off... I got mad at him, cause I knew he was droping them off so he could go out again...he said if i didn't want them yet, he'd take them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I told him it wasn't a matter of wanting the kids, it was the fact that he was droping them off to go to his get together witht eh people from that dating site, and was taking his freaking date again...i'm not stupid, i know him too well not to know what hi's up to.

He rools his eyes. I would have insisted he takes the kids out... but the kids were excited to be home, so i had to leave it alone. I love my kids. I just don't want to be taken advantaged of either... So here I am, 1:20am, typing away on my computer, while my lucky WS is out spending money he told me he deosn't have, on a fun night with a date and a bunch of strangers from a dating site...
I have no choice but to kick myself for it... I'm an idiot.

Goodnight all.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />


Pam
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