I just recently attended a Marriage Builders Seminar and need some advice. I have been married for 12 years and until this seminar, I believed my marriage was over. Unfortunately for the last three months I have been having an emotional/sexual affair with two different men on- [color:"blue"] [/color] line. I have participated in daily e-mails, chatrooms which involved cyber sex and had phone sex on a few occasions. I want to take the right steps to permanently end these relationships and show my husband that I am serious about working on our marriage. What are [color:"blue"] [/color] some specific things I can do to accomplish this?

First, do no contact letters that you have your H read and approve. They should contain your great remorse for your choices, solid declarations that you love your H and your marriage, and state that you will have no contact with them the rest of your life. Done. No more. Do not attempt.

Delete the email account, change your phone number and remove instant messenger from your computer.

Get a good individual counselor who will aid you in discovering why you had the affairs. This is about you and not what your H didn't provide you, really.

Tell him about this site and your honesty and dedication to him and your marriage.

Show him your gratitude. Answer all of his questions and do not disrespect him by withholding information because it might hurt him. This is your honesty time. Do not demean him by manipulation--softening blows or lying.

I'm so glad you're here. Read Dorry's FWS thread and learn how to meet your H's ENs, speak of your own thoughts and feelings, understand conflict avoidance, and grow, tlm, grow!

You're not only going to show your H your honest heart with your admissions, but you're going to show yourself you are worthy, valuable and a forgivable human being.

Here for you--many of us were in your shoes.

LA

Transparancy and accountability is a must in rebuilding trust with your H. Offer to enstall a key logger on your computer that H can monitor. Also, when you break a bad habit you should fill the gap with a new good habit. You are going to have time on your hands that you need to fill with something else. Come up with a plan of something else you are going to do with your time.

I agree with everything LA has said.

I would actually go so far as to drop the internet service or sell the computer as well.

Tlm, welcome to these boards. Underneath is a very good guide for WW’s like you (just click on the link). Make sure you read all the additional links on that guide. The advice in the guide will only be helpful if you put it into practise:

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Here is a thread on on-line affairs you will find helpful too. (A bunch of FWW's (including me) had posted on that thread.)

Good luck,
Suzet

Hello MCM's wife,

Welcome to marriage builders. I see that you have discovered your husband's thread and within such thread you may have read some things I advised him to do and not do. I stand by my advice. It is the same advice I would have given you if the situations had been reversed.

Although you may be hurt and likely angry that your husband posted so much confidential information about you guys on the internet, I assure you this forum is confidential. You could be anybody. Beleive me, if your husband had a choice in the matter, he'd rather not have had to post here ever. Sadly, his best friend, you, have been unavailable to him lately. The lines of communication had been severed (not permanently) and instead of reaching out to your friends, neighbors and acquantances, he reached out to us. Would you rather have had him suffer alone?

As far as the revelations of snooping. He had every right to invade your privacy as your actions and choices effected his life. I know you know this deep down. You'd have done the same thing.

You also may not like the advice we gave but we really have your families best interest at heart. We are no different than the people you met this weekend at the MB conference and we are no different than you will become in the next 6 months or so after you recover your marriage and it becomes BETTER than it ever was before (MINE IS).

We are not biased where your family is concerned. It may seem so today...as you will discover if you stick around, work out your feelings and overcome the recent bad choices you've made and the rationale you utilized to assist you in making and carrying out those poor decisions. I also realize we have only been afforded one side of the story. If you give us your side we will gladly advise you as well.

My wife and I both post here regularly. You can read some of her stuff on the FWW thread started by Dorry in this very forum. I am glad you've decided to end your on-line affairs and begin recovery. I know it was a difficult decision. Please do not allow todays discovery and temporary anger thwart your decision. Wouldn't your husband be just as upset if he had had to read EVERYTHING you thought and typed the last 3 months? Forgive and move on with recovery you already so rightfully comitted yourself to...for you, your kids and mcm.

Mr. Wondering

tlm,

My W met her OM in a chat room also, but things progressed to 2 year PA where he would fly into town and she would spend the day with him at some Best Western while I was at work.

Dday was 05/31/04. We are still together recovering nicely.

We have ONE email address. She canceled her other email accounts. Plus NC was done on Dday. He called once after that and she told me. I called him..and that was that. He know that she was placing me above him, and we have not heard from him since.

I must tell you that if she had only done what you did on the computer and phone my pain and anquish would not be so deep and longlasting.

Believe me, there are a WHOLE OTHER set of movies in one's head, with a PA.

Would there be any way to transfer the kick of the phone and cyber sex to your H? Could he play these games with you so you could fill HIS void (you transfering your intimacy to others)with you still experiencing it? Maybe start out with the cyber type.

He could get another computor! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

tlm, I wanted to welcome you as well. I am both a FWW and a BS. Focus on this thread and let the good people here help you through ending the A's and going through withdrawl. You and your H can have a better m than ever.

We would like to thank you all: MrW., Suzet, Fish, WAT, FF, Pepper, Krusht, Caren, Orchid and the many others who took the time to help us navigate some of the roughest waters we've ever been in.

We have 24 follow-up assignments from the MB Weekend to complete together. We are going to focus on completing those assignments and building our recovery capacity together.

Know that we are grateful for you all and for the MB program. Without it, we would surely be turning the page to a much different chapter.

Today the chapter we turn to begins with a promise by tlm and mcm that says: our marriage is now based on a relationship of extraordinary care. We will achieve this by 1) creating a lifestyle that is fulfilling to both of us; 2) avoiding being each others source of unhappiness; and 3) becoming each others source of happiness.

We believe that this is possible, thanks in part Dr. Harley and all of you.

Our best,

tlm and mcm

MCM,

Good to hear from you. Would also like to hear how your W is doing and glad to see her posting.

Let us know how we can help.

take care,
L.

tlm... just adding my voice to the welcome wagon. I'm another FWW who carried out her affair mainly on-line and via cell phone. Most of the people were, BS and FWS alike, are incredibly helpful, but keep in mind that emotions are very raw in some cases and like other FWSs, you might be met with some hostility from one or two BSs. Try to let it roll off your back (maybe you'll be better at this than I am!).

Good on you that you came here... now time to get to work blocking FOM e-mail addys, recuse yourself from chat rooms/IMing, at least for a time, and buckle up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi TLM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to MB - sorry i didn't get here sooner.

You have been in Good hands <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My affair was also mostly online, with meeting up for a week in person and having sex twice. Also had him and his wife up to stay at our house for a weekend... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

As a FWW - you are going to face many feelings, and struggles so don't be afraid to ask so many of the wise FWW on here - FF, FL, Kiwi, Jelly, Mrs Dubya, GBH and a few others - all are FANTASTIC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((HUGS))) and congrats on taking the first big step towards a new marriage!

Very, Very COOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />