The last few days have been anything but well. I will not say that I was good over the weekend with "R". I wasn't. I also didn't take it as far as I could have. So I guess improvement over the time before. But right now that is so NOT the issue that it doesn't even matter. I wasn't even particularly in my right mind over the weekend so nothing that happened would really surprise me. I was in reactive mode and I was just looking for some sort of stability.

So, the REAL issue: I found out that my 16-yr-old daughter is pregnant. How I found out? Through the ex's fiancee (formerly the OW). My daughter visited a women's clinic to find out, and to schedule an abortion, and Iowa law requires that a parent be notified. She chose him, hoping they'd just stay out of everything and not let me know. They called me and dropped the bomb as I was riding in the car on Saturday with R. I couldn't even respond.

I spent all weekend trying to contact my daughter (she has no cell phone because I took it away from her, and she's been living away from home for the past 2.5 weeks because she chose to play "big girl" and everyone who knows anything recommended to me that I let her, and pray, and be there for her when she figured out that it wasn't as easy as she thought it was.

Well, it didn't work as anyone had planned. She's now 5 weeks pregnant and is wanting an abortion. I am TOTALLY against them. I am as pro-life as a woman usually comes. So I found out that her appointment was supposedly today, and I took the day off work and hit the road to try and talk to her before she went in. I missed her--the appointment was an hour earlier than she'd said, and so when I got to the abortion clinic she was already inside and they wouldn't let me see her. I blew sky high (not a good reaction, but again, put yourself in my situation and you might not react much better). I ended up having to leave the clinic to keep from being arrested for tresspassing. I spent a good 45 minutes talking to the cops, who were actually helpful and called the city attorney to see what my rights were, and then helped me get my daughter to talk to me.

Turns out I blew up in the clinic for nothing--her appointment today was to assess how far along she was (and if they'd have just TOLD ME THAT, I'd have not blown up).

I eventually did get her to agree to meet me for lunch (with her boyfriend--the one I'd like to strangle except I realize it took two to get into that situation). We talked, and she's home with me for a couple days (mostly because she's without a place to live over there because she can't continue to stay in the college dorms with friends, and her boyfriend has yet to secure housing). So he's staying with a friend for a couple days while she's with me here. I may be taking her back tomorrow--I may not be taking her until the weekend. It's up to her.

In the meantime, I have a zillion thoughts going through my head. It's possible she's used drugs since getting pregnant. It's probable that she's been drinking. She continues to smoke. It all ups the odds on birth defects quite a bit. And yet I was sick to the point of dry heaves, and finally intense pain in my right shoulder that made me have to sit and rest a while today, at the thought that a child (my grandchild) was being killed.

So I've tried to get her to take responsibility and have the baby, and let someone who really wants a child have the opportunity to raise it (i.e, give it up for adoption). But she says if she ever went through 9 months of pregnancy, there's no way she'd give a child up.

That would mean I'd be saddled with raising it, because she's not capable. And this is going to sound as cold as cold could be. I would love to be a grandmother (though right now was not my plan). I do NOT want to be a parent of an infant at this point in my life. I am a single woman. I work long hours. I don't have the financial resources. And I'm at a point where I was looking at having my freedom from children before long. I don't want to start that process over.

And if my own lack of desire to parent an infant at this point in life isn't enough, being a single grandma and funneling all my money into a baby for the next umpteen years pretty much cancels out any chance of dating or relationships for me including the one I'm in, because he and I have had many discussions about how glad we are that our kids are older, because neither of us wanted to parent infants. We're not ready for the responsibility. We're not ready for the cost. We were both parents very young in life and have struggled financially since our teens. And to ask him to commit to me as I raised my grandchild--it's not fair to him, and I think it would cause HUGE resentment because he would constantly feel that his money was going to my child to bail her out from a stupid mistake while his own kids are very well behaved and have their lives together.

So I'm sitting here shaking (and don't tell me right now that this is proof that I'm emotionally unstable. I've just been through a few days from h*ll!). I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. R does know. I told him that I proposed to my daughter that maybe my mom could help the baby for a few years until my daughter got her life together (my mom is long ago retired). He jumped all over me--told me how unfair that was because my mom is way too old to consider dumping something like that on her. And he's right. It is unfair. I don't think responsibly--I'm just grasping at straws trying to prevent something from happening. My mom is 73 and my dad is almost 80 and has Alzheimer's. There's no way they could have a baby there full time. And she lives 1.5 hours from me, so it's not like she could come babysit at my place during the day. And he knows what the other option is...it would be me raising the baby. He let me go...said he'd call me back at 9pm. I have dumped a lot in his lap all of a sudden. And if I were faced with the same situation, after everything else he's already been faced with between me and my daughter, I'd probably run fast and hard.

And things have actually been really good between the two of us lately. Yes, he's mentioned the possibility of moving up a wedding date a time or two. He also said once that if we loved each other, we'd have to find a way to work with the boundaries. He still hates them, but I think he's come through the initial shock and had begun to adapt to things.

And now this. It's going to make me a mental basket case to live with, no matter what she decides. If she aborts, I don't know how long it will take for me to get past that. (And it's more difficult because R's brother and his wife have a 3-month-old daughter, so each time I see her I'm going to think of what was lost. It's all I thought of all weekend when I was around her.)

And if she chooses to have the baby, I have NO answers as to what I'll do.

I can't call my mom or my sis or my pastor or anyone else I'd generally talk to right now. I don't want my mom to ever find out, if she decides to abort. I can't let my sis find out because she did have an abortion in her younger years. She doesn't know I know, but I know how hard it was on her, and I don't want to bring back old memories for her. I don't want to call my pastor, because if my daughter ever decides to come to church with me, I don't want her to know that he knows. And I don't want to overwhelm R by dwelling on it over the phone with him. It's putting him in a tough position already, and he doesn't have answers. And he already listened to me cry for 1/2 hour.

So you guys are getting the brunt of it. It's all just almost surreal right now.

LL

Please refrain from any harsh words about my parenting right now. I feel lousy enough as it is.

LL,

Could you speak to your therapist?

I'm sorry, I have no wise words of wisdom, just offering a (((hug))))

DW

Whew. Just when you think it couldn't get more difficult. I'm sorry this happened. Is there a pro-life clinic in your area? The one where I live has lots of resources including counseling for grandparents-to-be in your situation. You might want to make an appointment for your daughter and/or yourself, or at least just call and talk to them. They have been through all the scenarios you've written about with other clients, from a Christian standpoint.
I just don't know what else to say. I'll be praying for you, I know this is going to be tough.

Oh, I do want to add something.
You said:
[color:"blue"] Maybe it is time for her to deal with her past.
[/color]
You said:
[color:"blue"]This is doing every counselor, minister, and church staffperson a disservice by thinking they can't "hide" facts they know about people. He should not be a judgemental man, and if he's your pastor, he would want to be there for you in a situation like this. [/color]

sorry to hear your daughter got herself into that situation but I gotta say....there is a ****** of a lot of "I's" in your posting...not surprising!

I am pro-choice and I say it's your daughters decision what SHE wants to do with HER body and HER fetus. Take it or leave it...don't matter to me.

LL,
My heart is breaking for you and your daughter. However,

1. I don't understand you comment about your sister. Do you actually think that your daughter's situation is what will bring up old memories? I'd bet she has her own memories, and she is in control of them. Do you censor news reports about abortion clinics and right-to-life marches?? Perhaps your sister is THE BEST person to actually talk to your daugher, as she's the one "who's been there, done that, got the shirt".

2. BS about your pastor. Counseling is HIS JOB, and I can't believe you would not use that excuse just on the off chance that your daughter might be embarassed. Just think of the Catholic priest adn all that THEY know about people.

3. If she chooses to have this baby, it is HER decision, adn she will need to figure out how to raise it. You may support her, or not, but I agree with you that you are in no position to be raising a baby right now.

PS I hope you are still attending the gym.

cm

DW,

This would be a great time to have a therapy appointment. Unfortunately, my therapist is away for about 2 weeks or so and my next appointment isn't until 2/21. I was already nervous about going that long because she has been helpful (albeit difficult to listen to sometimes when I don't like what's being said). But no, it's something I'll have to find other ways to deal with until 2/21 and probably by then my daughter will have made her decision.

Avondale,

Yes, there's a wonderful pro-life place here in the city. Getting her to visit is another story. I'm not sure how to do that. It's actually where she went to be PG tested over a year ago when we had the first scare, so she's aware of it. At that time, when she thought she was PG, she was prolife as well. But a lot has changed since then, and it makes a difference who she's been around. I know she's gotten no good guidance from the abortion clinic (and I'm sorry, that truly is primarily what it is. It's not Planned Parenthood...it's a clinic just a few blocks from the college that provides basically birth control and abortions. It's been in the news many times.) I want her to have input from both sides--good input--before she makes the decision. But yes, I am very strongly opposed to abortion. Partly from my biblical beliefs and partly from being a mother and hearing my own daughter's heartbeat at 7 weeks PG, and having an ultrasound of her at 12 weeks where she was not yet 3 inches long yet had arms and legs and a jawbone and a spine and you could see her put her fingers near her mouth and everything. And we're talking about my grandchild here--I will do what I can within reason try and make a difference.

But I have wondered why every time it seems something just starts to settle down, some big bomb goes off again. And this one has huge implications no matter what decision is made. I'm thankful that God has allowed me to remain relatively calm and she and I had a good conversation on the 2 hour drive home. At least I'm thankful that she's healthy, and that she's alive, and that we're speaking. I guess I have to start there.

I may talk to my sister. I was wanting to spare her pain, but maybe she would be able to offer some of the best words of advice, IF she decides to share that she actually had an abortion. Like I said, I know, but not because she told me.

It's too late tonight to talk to a pastor. I really don't want them trying to talk to my DD right now though, because she'll shut them out in a heartbeat and then she'll shut me out.

Alluring,

There are a lot of "I's" because I feel like as a child she is MY responsibility, and after the total failure at parenting her, "I" feel unqualified to try as a single woman to parent her child. "I" am scared...for her and for me.

But also, the child she carries is "MY" grandchild, and that while I realize that ultimately because of the abortion laws in this country, she can decide to end the pregnancy without my consent, and I will love her and be her mother no matter what her decision, "I" still have some deep feelings about the whole deal and will do what I can to convince her otherwise.

CM,

I think I responded to most of your second post in my post back to Avondale.

If my daughter chose to have the baby (though that's more of a pipe dream right now), I would support her emotionally, I would do what I could to be there to help give some weekend relief (not each and every weekend because she as the mother would need to step up to the reality plate), and I would do what I could financially to help provide things the baby needed. I'm sure my mom would be willing to take some weekends, too and even at 73, she could probably handle that. She's still very active. I would also do whatever I could to make calls and contacts to put her in touch with whatever parenting and other resources I could find for her.

And there's a fear that I could talk her into something she doesn't want to do, only to have her deliver a child with severe handicaps because of poor choices she's made or may make in taking care of a pregnancy. I have no idea how any of us would deal with that. She is NOT responsible. She's an immature 16-yr-old with ADHD. Granted, she'd be 17 by the time the child was born, should she decide to continue the PG. That's older than some teen mothers. But it's not nearly old enough.

I just feel like my head is spinning. I know in a few days the shock will wear off somewhat. I've only known for 36 hours. And in that 36 hour period I've had the PG news dumped on me by the ex, I've rushed over to try and convince her to not abort (only to make an *ss out of myself because I didn't have the whole story), and now she's here and we're dealing with options and I know I only have a few days with her before she wants to go back over there.

I want to do the right thing. I've just not ever been faced with this (always knew it was a possibility and have lived in fear of it) and am not sure what to do, and don't want to do the wrong thing.

And I've done the wrong things so many times in my life that I'm a little gun-shy now.


PS: Yes, still going to the gym. It's been a very good thing for me. I just haven't made it yet since the weekend, because of everything that has happened. I've sort of not been in the mood. But I need to go maybe tomorrow night to try and burn off some stress. I do feel much better when I leave. And I also may have lunch or dinner again with the lady I had lunch with from my church a couple weeks ago. We were going to meet Thursday night after work, but I may now have to take my DD back to where she's staying, so it's a bit up in the air. I really need a friend right now. R is going to get mighty tired of being the only person I babble to. He's doing well for a guy (because guys want to fix things and he knows he can't), but I can tell that sometimes it's difficult for him because I'm trying to have the kind of conversation a woman would have with another woman with him, and I've spent enough of my life around guys both at home and at work to know it's just not quite the same.

LL

Sorry that you have more emotional burdens to carry..

I'm not pro-life, or for abortions..

IMHO - it's what's best for the person, time of their life, maturity, stability. It doesn't sound like your DD is ready for this. She made the choice to engage in sexual relations - maybe she needs to make the choice of being a mother or not.

I had an abortion when I was 35 - could I have emotionally, financially, had this child - YES...I chose not to..Do I regret that decision - NO...
I was single, though seriously dating the man - who is now my WH. Our child would have been 14 right now, and dealing with a father that was never there emotionally for his first set of children let alone another child.

Your DD deserves a chance to get her life in order a child may not afford her that chance or it could..Is it worth the risk?

HUGS

No big update here overnight because obviously nothing has changed other than I'm now more sleep-deprived than I was last night. I'm not blaming it all on the issues at hand, though. For whatever reason, I finally chose yesterday morning to try the Adderall that the doctor prescribed to me a good 3 weeks ago to see if it would help my ADD tendencies. I've been somewhat reluctant to try a stimulant, because as anxious as I've been, it seemed to be the last thing I'd need.

But yesterday I guess I just decided that if ever I needed clearer thoughts, it was now. So I took one. Overall, I really do think there may have been some impact, and I'm going to take another today, and try it for a couple weeks. But there are some definite effects from it, and the most noticable was an inability to go to sleep or stay asleep for any length of time. It's already been an issue since I went back up to 20mg of Lexapro. I've just gotten to where I was going to sleep a little easier. This threw me for a loop. But I don't want to add yet something else to the mix to make me sleep. I'd really rather be taking nothing at all.

I don't want to give up hope that someday my life will settle down. I am tired of every time something seems to be going a little better, having it all blow up. I realize that most of life's issues for myself and my family stemmed from poor choices of who I married when I was 19. Marry an alcoholic, ask for issues for self and family. But it seems to never end.

Helping my daughter deal with the current situation would have been so much easier had her father not have been the alcoholic he is and had we still been married. We could have leaned on each other for support and advice, and we would have been in a lot better position to offer assistance in raising a child. It's difficult enough to be a single parent of a challenging teen, with no assistance in parenting from her father even without this huge issue added to the mix.

But none of that changes the situation. She made a poor choice (the same poor choice 1000's of teens make) and her luck ran out. We're here now.

I am going to call one of my pastors today. I'm not sure what all it will do other than get some more prayers coming her way. They're really not counselors, and they are both the first to admit that. They'll talk to me, but when things get tough, they've usually recommended I seek professional counseling. I don't want either of them to try and talk to her right now, because she is very anti-religion at the moment and it will just push her further the other way.

I suggested late last night to her that perhaps since she'd gotten the counseling from the women's clinic which focused primarily on assessing her pregnancy and discussing abortion options, that perhaps she should also hear the other options. I offered to take her to Birthright, the prolife place here in town. She refused--not surprised. I'm going to call them today and see if they can offer my any advice.

I did read up a little on the effects of things such as alcohol on early pregnancy and found a small amount of relief where birth defects are concerned. It appears from what I read that things done very early on in a pregnancy are more prone to causing miscarriage, and it's the continued use of alcohol and drugs into the second and third trimesters that have more potential to cause the defects and cognitive issues because that's when the brain is developing.

And because I'm so tired of bad surprises and I try so hard to prevent them, or get a clue they are coming (in this case I failed completely and was blindsided), I asked R several times last night to be honest with me and tell me if this was the last straw for us, because I just wanted a heads-up on whether I should expect him to turn and run. I realize that depending on how things play out, it could change my lifestyle and could have an effect on his as well, should we stay together. But rather than preventing a surprise for me, I think it just created tension because instead of portraying confidence in myself, I'm looking weak and questioning my worth in the relationship which probably makes him question it, too. He says as far as my becoming a grandmother at 40, that makes no difference to him at all in and of itself. Other than that all he can say is, "LL, I've never experienced anything like this before. I don't have any answers, and I probably should shut my mouth and quit offering you advice."

He did make one very stern statement last night that has me questioning my priorities. Somewhere in my stating that I wasn't ready to be a parent to her child and that while I wanted to do what I could to help, I was trying to think of other options, with foster care even being a possibility if she couldn't raise the baby at first.

And he said something to the effect of, "LL, if you're not willing to step up to the plate here, you need to just shut up and not say any more right now." He is a very involved parent and a very good father to his kids almost 6 years after his divorce. And his statement causes me to wonder if it's out of fear that I'm not ready to be more involved should my daughter decide not to abort, or if it's really out of selfishness and the desire to finally have the freedom to live my own life. If it's because of the second reason, that makes me a pretty shallow human being.

LL

Lordslady - Why wasn't she on the pill and using protection if she was sexually active??? Another - I am also prochoice - and basically that choice being hers.... She was adult enough to be having sex she should be adult enough to make the decision. Again you have nothing to be ashamed of - it is your daughter who is in this situation and not you - and contrary to popular believe "good kids" also get pregnant... You cannot make her keep it - or give it away - it has to be a decision that she can live with - but if she decides to keep it - even though it would be your grandchild - it wouldn't be up to you to raise it - or offer alternative plans for her to not step up and take responsibility.... Don't give her the easy way out.... And as for the pastor - I thought that was what they were there for - help and guidance... Use him.. do not be embarrassed or ashamed or afraid he might look at your or her different... No one is perfect... Reach out for help - tell your sister

(((LL)))

I guess I'm curious, what are your rights as the mother of a minor seeking a medical procedure? Would you not have to sign a consent form for her to get her ears pierced? So are parents required to give any consent in this arena, I'm truly ignorant as to the legalities of this....

And PS, your sis may be a good advisor in this case.

I answered my own question about parental consent vs notification which makes no sense to me. But then again, my state has the same thing, only we're the abortion capital of the U.S. I say that because we are one of the few states who also perform partial birth abortions and I don't care what side of the fence you're on, that is wrong.

Anywho, I did want to address this statement:


The prenatal period begins at the moment of conception, and is divided into three developmental periods.

The first stage of prenatal development is the germinal period which begins at the moment of conception and continues through the first two weeks. It is a critical time in terms of the development of serious impairments such as malformation of the limbs, organs, head, face, sensory and/or neurological disorders, and mental retardation. Risks include harmful environmental substances such as anesthetic gases, some antibiotics, environmental pollutants, hormonal agents, recreational drugs, therapeutic drugs, tranquilizers, and excessive doses of vitamins A, B6, D, and K. Maternal viral infections along with serious health conditions, such as kidney disease may also risk the healthy development of a baby.

The second stage of prenatal development is called the embryonic period, which is the time between the second and eighth week after conception. During the embryonic period the heart begins to beat, the development of the liver, brain, kidneys, and digestive tract begin as well as the start of the formation of the ears, eyes, eye lids, jaw, nose, lip, tongue and spinal cord.

Interesting tidbit when it comes to minors and abortion

21 states require parental consent (with 2 of those requiring the consent of both parents.)

13 states simply require parental notification (with 1 state requiring the notficiation of both parents.) Several states, such as Iowa, also will allow notification of a grand parent as substitution for PN.

16 states have niether parental notification nor parental consent laws on the books or they have been overturned.

It's interesting. I'd like to know what all these states laws are on piercing of minors or tattooing of minors.

Maw,

My daughter wasn't on the pill because she chose not to be. I have hounded her on a monthly basis since her PG scare a year ago, trying to get her to go in and get on BC. She has refused because she was too embarassed to go to a doctor for the pelvic exam that comes with getting on the pill. At this point, I think she unfortunately realizes she's in for a lot more than that. She has agreed that once this is all over, she WILL be on BC.

I realize that whether I like it or not, the law says the choice is ultimately hers. My issue is that A) she's a minor and I'm her custodial parent and B) it's my grandchild (another human life that is dear to me, even though he or she is just a tiny thing at this point. So I do have some strong emotions that I'm dealing with, where if it were just an acquaintance, the impact wouldn't be the same.

I'm not ashamed of myself that she's PG, it could have easily been my ex and myself at her age (though we DID use BC faithfully). I'm ashamed because I feel I've failed at parenting her, and this is just further proof. And I feel rather guilty about not being 100% willing to step up and 100% parent her child, if that's what it would take to get her to not abort.

LH,

There are 20-some states that still require parental consent for a child under 18, but unfortunately I don't live in one of them.

The "magical" age here in Iowa seems to be 16 for everything. A child can quit school without parents' permission at that age. They can get piercings all over their bodies at that age without parental consent (can't get tattoos though). They can consent to sex at that age, and as long as the partner isn't more than 5 years older than them, they're breaking no law (found that out yesterday from the police). And now I have found out that they can get an abortion without parental consent. They are required by Iowa law to "notify" a parent. The clinic did that when they sent the letter to my ex stating that his daughter was seeking an abortion. But she can chose to do it whether or not we grant her permission.

It seems absurd to me, because it's allowing a minor to consent to a medical procedure that can have serious risks if they don't take care of themselves, yet taking the choice for that decision totally out of the hands of the parents who are responsible for her health and welfare until she's 18 (or emancipated, which she's not).

I was angry enough last night to fire emails (professionally written and calm) to my US and State Senators and Representatives regarding my frustration with the laws. I further stated that it makes no sense that this same child who can consent to an abortion cannot yet legally smoke, drink, enter into legal contracts, or vote. If she's not considered mature enough to do these things, how is she considered mature enough to make such a critical decision?

--------------------------------------------------------
The latest word from my daughter is that she wants me to take her back to Iowa City tonight. And because I promised I'd take her back when she was ready to go, I have to keep that promise (though I'm still trying at this point to get one more night at home with her.) I'm sure although she said she'll 'consider' other options to get me off the phone just now, she'll waste little time getting back to that clinic and getting things taken care of.

LL

LH,

Guess we were posting at the same time.

But so you don't have to sort through my post to get this...

Yep, you can abort a child in Iowa at 16 without parent's consent, but by golly you can't get a tattoo until you're 18. Makes a whole lot of sense, doesn't it?

(Don't even get me started on partial birth abortions!)

LL

Lordslady - what does her boyfriend say??? That he wants her to get an abortion??? And again I am not saying that you are embarrassed or ashamed - I was saying that it happens to good and bad kids... But really if she doesn't want the child or cannot handle the child - than she has to be adult enough to make that decision... As much as you want it to be one way or the other - she has to make the decision and live with it every day of her life... Like I said I am prochoice - I can see all sides of the issue but in my heart I think it boils down to the person who is pregnant and I know people agree and/or disagree... But I don't think you have failed as a parent - I think that parenting is the hardest job in the world and well it is easy to parent a good child - just the difficult ones make it not so easy... I think you should take the approach that well you don't agree with your daughter - and then state your reasons - why - that you will stand behind her decision - 100% - that this may actually though not the best way - bring the two of you closer together.. but I don't see what this has to do with your boyfriend and your relationship - AGAIN this should be about your daughter and your daughter alone.... Not your relationship with him... that is why I think some people see "I"s in this .... I mean - This is about your daughter - and how your handle your relationship with your daughter... I mean she wanted to be the adult - let her be one.... Did your ex have anything to say???

Wow. What a mess!

First of all, let me say that I sympathize with you. My sister has 2 daughters (I have not had to face this, I have 2 sons--Thank God!!) both of whom became pregnant and now each have sons just 3 months apart (they are 5 y.o. now). They were 15 and 17 when they got pregnant. The 15 year old claimed she was not sexually active to her Mom (I knew better and told my sis to take her to the dr. because I thought she was pregnant) and the older one had BC pills but didn't take them because she smoked and didn't want to stop.

The fathers of their boys are both deadbeats (typical)--one is in prison and has been for most of the last 5 years and the other one is in and out of his child's life--mostly out.

They have had a tough time of it, I'm not going to lie to you. It's hard being a teen mother because like in my nieces' case, the fathers may hang around for a little while but soon beat it and the mothers are forced to take care of their children alone. We now have 2 little boys in our family that we all love dearly so it worked out for the best. My little great nephews are the best of friends so it was good for them that their mothers were pregnant at the same time in the long run. At the time though, it was extremely stressful (as you can imagine), especially for my sis.

My advice to you is, be there to support her in whatever decision she makes (but make your role in the child's life clear if she decides to keep it). It's her child, her body. She has the legal right to make this decision and she is the one that will have to live with it. I always told my nieces to PREVENT the pregnancy from happening because once you're pregnant, no matter what choice you make, it's pretty tough. If they decide to keep it, without family support, it's difficult with no education, no $$, no nothing. If they decide to have an abortion, they have to live with killing their unborn baby. If they give it up for adoption they have to deal with the fact that someone else is raising their child. It's hard no matter what they decide to do.

As for you, I would suggest that you stop looking at this as you are going to raise this baby if she decides to have it. You should make it clear that you will support her decision to keep the baby but it is HER baby, not yours. Your role will be as grandmother only. If she makes the decision to keep it then the baby is HER responsibility. If you don't make this tough on her then who's to say she won't get pregnant again and you'll be raising 2 kids?

As for your BF, if y'all are planning on getting married, then you may as well know now if he will be there for the bad times as well as the good ones. This is as good a time as any to find that out BEFORE you marry him. Is he going to abandon you when you need him the most? Better to know that now.

Interesting side note.... Not trying nor do I wish to have an abortion debate but I find this totally flawed. Look at this:

Almost every state has laws about tattooing minors regardless of parental consent. The vast majority of the states have said no tattoo until your 18, some have even said 21, the only state that I found that allows it on minors is Arizona, who will allow it on 14 year olds.

Some states have totally outlawed it, some have regulated it to a point where it isn't practical (such as saying it must be done by a person licensed to practice medicine or dentistry), some states have said no tat's within an inch of the eye, some no tat's above the jaw bone, some no tat's above the neck. I only found one state, Nebraska, who is not regulated.

Not that I'm on some tattoo kick here, but I wonder why such tough and basically uniform laws on that and such lax laws on abortion. Don't they say that tat's are permanent and life changing, so they should only be received by adults, well what is abortion....?

Maw,

Her boyfriend was non-committal when we all went to lunch. He's told his mother, but I also don't think he really desires to raise a child. I certainly don't see him as a stellar father.

I have told my daughter that regardless what she chooses, I will love her and be there for her. I'm not at a point where I can agree with a decision of abortion, but neither will I stop her if that's what she decides (and as I said, I think chances of any other outcome are slim to none). I am trying to prepare myself for it, but it will probably be something that once it happens, I do my level best to put it completely out of my mind and never bring it up again.

I've spoken more with the ex's fiancee than to him, because he's angry. When I tried to call him yesterday after we returned home, he immediately hung up on me. So I called her and filled her in. She says what everyone else does (and she had two children in her teens, one of whom she doesn't have custody of). She says just support my daughter, tell her I love her, and let her make her own decision, because she's the one who has to live with it.

TexasBlondie,


I totally agree! Even though I've preached abstinance to her since she was little, I was also smart enough to know that she was sexually active, and so have also pushed for months to get her on birth control to no avail. Now she is faced with pain no matter which way she goes. There is no easy out now. And I don't see the father of this child being any kind of a real father at all. He is not dumb, but he is not trying to do anything at all with his life. He lives the same irresponsible "let's have fun 24/7" life that she lives, and he's 20.

I guess I look at raising the baby as possibly my responsibility because if it came down to it and I felt the child was in an unsafe or improper home, I'd first try to be more involved and if that didn't work, I might have to call for intervention temporarily in who has custody. And rather than having the child go to a foster home, in all reality, I'd probably feel the responsiblity to try and be the guardian instead, to keep her/him in the family. But I am SO not ready to do that, not in my situation.

As for my BF, we don't have any formal marriage plans at this point. It has been discussed. He's not saying he'd not be there--he's just saying that he really doesn't know what to do right now because he's never been faced with a situation like this and so it seems about as surreal to him as it does to me right now. I don't think either of us are sure what kind of impact it will have on our relationship. I'm just the paranoid one who always assumes the worst, and assumes it will impact it negatively.

LH,

I agree, we better keep the abortion debate off this board and I've tried to do that. My focus here hasn't been on abortion in general, but the fact that it can be done by a 16-year-old without parental consent here in Iowa. You make a great point with the tattoo law. What has more potential for long-term impact on a person's life (or more chance of medical complications, assuming both procedures--the tattoo and the abortion--are done in licensed settings)?

I'm fairly certain that the infertility that can result from a medical error during the abortion procedure or not following proper aftercare is a lot more serious than the skin infection and possible scarring a person might get from a tattoo. (Oh...soapbox. Time to quit.)

But I think I mentioned (not going back and rereading my post as I type this) that I emailed my Senators and Representatives. My state senator emailed me back today agreeing with my situation and my frustrations, apologizing that nothing can be done that will immediately help me, but encouraging me to share my story with the Governer's office and with all the legislative sessions that are currently in process and try to make a difference for other parents who might be faced with the situation in the future.

I'm just not wanting to make such a big issue that her name and information ends up going public. I don't want her to suffer for some point I'm trying to prove, but I also think it's a terrible law and I feel in a way like I should do what I can to try and make a difference.

Thoughts? I'm nuts, maybe??

LL

Update: I just heard back from my State Representative and have responded to the questions he asked me.

On one hand, I seriously doubt my ability to make much difference at all in this area. But then again, if everyone thought that way, no laws would ever change. I have no idea how to go about trying to convey my message to my state government. But the more I think on it, the more I feel it's something I need to do, because I feel so strongly about this issue.

Anyone ever undertaken something like this?

LL