We have been married for 12 years. I am despirately in love with her. Always have been. My job caused me to be away often and hobbies which had been mutual in the beginnning of our relationship also took alot of time away from her and my family.

I began suspecting an A a while back, but her history of growing up in an affair broken home and physical abuse as well as infidelity of a previous marriage made me trust and believe she would not do such a thing.

In August, She took a trip "to have time to herself". She was very definsive of her need to do so. My trust was broken when phone calls would not be answered or returned for long periods of time.

Upon her return I told her if she was having an A, I forgave her, loved her and needed her. We remained intimate fairly regular. In November, after months of trying to convice myself otherwise, I point blank asked the question. My response seemed to shock her, as I had already dealt with alot of teh anger even though I really had no proof, only cercomstantial situations, and a huge emotional barrier between us. I learned of the Three year affair with her boss and the knowledge that my daugter, 18, who also works with them, was and had been aware of the A for a substantial period of time.

Several weeks prior to the reveal, they had moved the business location to a three bedroom house, in which my daugter and her fience have moved into. I later found this to be scipted to provide her a place to live.

My delima is my WS says the affair is over and that my Daughter can attest to this. She gets very definsive when I even suggest her being with him, should we separate, asking "Why does it have to be about someone else? (she knows the answer to this) She refuses to quit her job saying they were friends first and that she enjoys her job and that we will not financially survive without this job, as she is very well paid, I assume as a result of the affair. Intimacy all but stopped following the disclosure, no affection, only a beginning of communication. She refuses to wear her wedding set, which I now wear on a chain. On a positive note she comes home everynight and we sleep in the same bed, me holding her.

I feel unable to discuss the situation with my daughter as they have already placed her in a bad situation. But, I feel I need to rebuild the relationship with my daughter, as she too became withdrawn from me with knowledge of the A. I am unable to even stop by to see my wife at work or even go by after hours to see my daughter, as he is often there after hours working on his racecar in the garage behind the house. My WS often wants to spend time with our daughter after hours, which really conserns me. He has made it very clear I am unwelcome there, as there are high tensions between my WS and the OP, because she refuses to leave me for him after he left his wife and two young girls and filed for D after my WS gave him an ultimatum to do so, yet she has not followed through. She say she has told him that should we separate that she doesn't want to be with him either. She only wants to be free to do what she wants when she wants.

I have brought her several printouts from the web site illustating how we can begin to rebuild and that she Must find a new job and end all contact to make it work, yet she still refuses. I have also requested we read through Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving the Affair" together, and discuss each chapter, she has yet to agree. I have also requested a weekly standing date, just her and I, she refuse to do this as well, citing time with our 12 year old son, who thinks the OP and Myself had an argument.
All that said here are my questions:

should I contact the OS to apply pressure? Even though devorce proceedings are ongoing. I am told she suspects but does not know.

Should I tell my son the truth? I want to keep an open relationship with him, and don't like lying to him to protect his mothers feeling.

Should I require her to leave the job? I don't care if we lose everything as long as I don't lose her.

How long should things go before Plan B? I love her very much, I cannot bear being without her, even for a short while. I continue to shower her with affection everyday. She says I'm doing everything right now.

I am an emotional wreck. Anti-depressants have helped some, but still up and down despirate for her love and affection in return. HELP! PLEASE?

Welcome, Fish, to a place that has a lot of answers. I'm glad you've been reading the website and have gained a good understanding of how really good marriages can work.

I'm very sorry that you have found it on the heels of your wife's affair.

I would suggest you moving your post (you can cut and paste it) under the Infidelity Forum in General Questions II, which sees a lot of traffic. I can answer your post over there, if you want to move it.

I do believe she has ended the physical part of her affair, but as long as there is contact, you can't recover your marriage.

I feel the horror of finding out and that your daughter has had this burden, the knowing and hiding, since she was 15. In my mind, that is child abuse. I'm so sorry. Please do not hold any resentment for your daughter's part. She had no choice, in my eyes, because no matter which way she would have turned, it would mean her betraying one of the people she loves dearly.

You are not alone--there are others who have been in your situation where their spouses work with their affair partners.

I'm sure it is no consolation to know that intimacy, affection, a lot of your needs are not being met by your wife due to withdrawal. This is a stage that takes quite a bit of time. Harley writes about it. Have you read, "Surviving an Affair"? You said you wanted your wife to read it with you. Please understand that there is no educating your wife in Plan A or Plan B. It is considered a lovebuster. Explains a lot of the whys, hows and what to expect that have you in an emotionally charged state right now. Another good one is "Torn Asunder" by Carder.

One thing I would do is to put back on your wedding ring. I'm sensitive to symbols and did this also, removed it, like I wasn't married. The best thing you can do for your marriage is to be grounded in reality. You are married. Until the judge says you aren't anymore, you are. This is a position of real strength in the face of your wife's addiction and withdrawal. Your choice.

You'll have to get better advice about your son. You would not be lying to him to protect his mother's feelings, but rather his own. I don't know the level of maturity or awareness he has, but there are others on the website who could guide you on that. Rebuilding a relationship with your daughter is key, with a lot of openness and honesty and understanding. You can do this by primarily listening, not explaining, asking her about her thoughts and feelings.

As for contacting OS? Do you mean OM's wife? Yes, exposure is key. To your wife's family, yours and friends. Until there is no contact, there is an affair.

You say there is already divorce papers filed? Take hope, even with that, because others here on the board have experienced reconciliation though in process and even after.

You can't force your wife to leave her job. It has to be her choice. You make your choices known. Others might help you more with this decision. You've asked and I'm sure stated that your belief is that as long as there is contact it is an affair. You feel hurt fresh every day she goes there, I'm sure. In rebuilding with your daughter, you might conceive of a better place you could provide for your daughter and finace.

You'll have to work on yourself about bearing Plan B if that is what is necessary. You sound like you're doing a great Plan A, just that you hesitated on the exposure.

Move this over to General Questions. You will get a lot of help.

LA

thank's for your response. I have moved my question to general II as suggested.

I have not removed my wedding band. She has removed here's. She says "it doesn't feel right". Mine has NEVER meen off my hand.

I have a hard time talking to my daughter, Things tend to always go toward my wife and the things current and past. A lot of things have been revieled through conversation with my daughter. I love her very much and do not agree with a lot of the things that are occuring in my daughters life. I feek helpless thought to intergect a lot of things due to the situation.

I am trying to keep communication open with my son. Our relationship has grown deeply in the last year. I feel often, should a separation occur that she intends to pull away from both of us.

So you feel that we should not use surviving an afair as a tool. Is there another book we can use together.

thanks again for your reply