Pep, you think i am hanging on to anxiety cuz it serves a purpose, not saying you are wrong, just not sure how to figure it out.

FF, you think maybe i am not forgiving myself or accepting God's forgiveness.

this is what i know.

i have a LOT of pressure at work, but it could be i fret about it all more than i should. it's been stressful there for so many years, so many layoffs, work moving over seas, low moral all over. i had a bad boss in 2004, who me gave me a HORRIBLE rating. the bad rating was due to the fact that i am not always just a "good soldier", when i see problems i keep raising fuss about it. but sometimes i end up upsetting, sometimes managers, and even though i still stand by my assesment of the product i was "blowing the whistle on" as it was best for the company to know the real status, i ruffled feathers and got dinged for it.

as luck would have it, i was specifically requested to move to a different project, (before i even knew i was about to be rated so badly) due to my expertise and that project needing the help. this new boss loves me, pass attention to my advice and backs me up, 2005, my rating is back up to above average. so that is good. but the project is struggling (reason i was moved to it) and therefore it is just really hectic at times and very stressful.

about 1 month ago i got re-org'ed to a different boss, she is ok too, i don't personally like her as much as last boss but i'm still essentially doing the same stuff with all the same people. i think her opinion of me is good.

so i dont think i need to overly worry about being laid off (although with this company anything is possible), i once again believe i would be one of the last ones to shut the doors and turn off the lights.

but still the day to day pressure gets to me. sometimes i wonder if i put more on me on my own. and then percieve it as in-escapable stress. so hard to tell!!! they want you to do so much, more than reasonable. i don't think they really expect you to, but since the requests come in, i try to do EVERYTHING!! and i feel like a failure more often than a sucess.

which of course counterdicts the high rating i got this past year.

then there is home. due to work load, i feel behind at home so much. i never feel like i can relax, always more to tend to. H helps around the house a ton now, shops, cooks more than me, does laundry more than me. starting to help keep up with bills even. except for perhaps washing floors, he helps with anything and even without being asked. there was just NO way for it to happen any other way. i guess the big difference is, (now i realize this is my PERCEPTION ) it used to seem that any of that stuff he would do in the past was a "favor" to me, which i then translated into being a burden. now he just does it on his own and i don't feel like a burden or a failure for not being able to do more and for needing him to do those things. so that is good. right??

but that is all about the functionality part of a relationship.

then there is the other part. closeness, intimacy...

i suppose i have to say it is getting better in some ways, but.... don't know how to explain it, comfort level is still not there.

i am comfortable with the relationship i have with my daughter, i feel very secure there. i know what that feels like.

now, i have a mountain of reasons to feel secure with my DH, considering what i confessed to him and that he is still here, and yet that intenal comfort level is just not there. i don't feel relaxed. and i cannot figure out why.

i feel anxious more often that not. and it is getting to me, really badly.

help??

FL, first a {{}} from me. I totally relate to how hard you are on yourself at work. I tend to be the same way. Right now I am trying to work from home and solve a problem at work that for some reason is just beyond my grasp. It frustrates me when I have to deal with something I can't quite wrap my mind around. I have a terrific boss though so it does help. So perhaps just easing up on yourself in the work place would help. You cannot do it all. Do you have a team you work with? Do you ask for help when overwhelmed?

The home stuff I have to ponder. I do believe you have yourself tied up in knots and for some reason are unable to believe you "deserve" the help you get from your hubby or that you are entitled to the closeness or intimacy in your R with him. That is why I guessed that you haven't forgiven yourself or have you allowed yourself to accept God's forgiveness. It took me a long time to get there. Plus I take a lot of abuse from my WH because of my past sins.

for a lot of people (you ?? I donno) anxiety serves the purpose of distraction

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

you are on high alert

remaining vigilante for danger

but there is no imminent danger

but you have been conditioned to (emotionally) expect danger at every turn

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ??? close ???

sometimes, when talking to patients I ask them to imagine their life as a juggling act ... and ask them how many objects they are trying to keep in mid-air at the same time ...

sometimes things can be safely dropped if we give ourselves permission to not try so hard to be the world's best juggler

just throwing baloney against the wall and finding out what sticks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FF



next time I see you in person I'm gonna *smack* your butt for this one!!!

idjut

perhaps. seeing how those are the words that brought tears streaming down my face...

how do i really convince myself there is no danger and to just relax???

it seems like the harder i try, the more tightly wound i feel.

yes i have a lot of balls, but i really don't think that is the problem.

it is internal to me.

i am fairly certain of that.

which is actually somewhat comforting.

but i still don't know how to just stop

what am i distracting myself from???

being happy??? cuz that is all that it seems to be doing.

if you are drawing a blank on this it prolly is not your problem ... wrong baloney <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know, I know..I am working on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

look up
"thinking errors"

seems to me somewhere in there lies your answer.

>how do i really convince myself there is no danger and to just relax???


But it could be medical, FLT2M. Once your body is in the "habit" of those constant stressors, it becomes "addicted" to the endorphins that are released in that constant "fight or flight" state and cannot turn it off by itself. Have you seen a MD?

It is REALLY (REALLY SUPER D DUPER) hard to let these things go....

(((((((FLT2M)))))))))))

What do you do for YOU. Not anyone else....what do you do for yourself? Nowhere in there did I see that you read a paragraph of a novel b4 bed, or take a bath, or paint your toenails. All I saw was give, give, give, he's there helping, but I'm still giving, give, give, give....

I think you need a brain break. Seriously.

I like to play and act silly FL ...
do you?

>I like to play and act silly FL ...

No? Really? ;-)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> who knew?

by the way, I think this one is particularly important
"A final thinking error, which contributes to all of the faulty conclusions is the belief that an emotional reaction to an idea provides evidence for the idea’s validity. "