Slammed. You have made my day. Now I know how to behave when the OW calls and acts an [censored].

Thanks ladies,
I was doing okay for awhile, but now as I'm getting really tired, feel discouraged about not hearing back from the job interview, and am stressed about finances and everything else, the tears are falling again. Even after going through
all this, WH can still amaze me with how cold, uncaring, and
totally "fogged" he can be. Can't believe he didn't even
wait until I'd been home a day, or found a job (although
he doesn't know how my search is going) to drop this bomb !

As you know, I've been making great effort to move on, do
things I enjoy, spend time with family and friends, and I
really felt like taking my trip, by myself, was a big step.
I enjoy things I do, but the big hole left my the absence
of H and our life is never filled by anything/anyone else.
I don't dwell on or even rarely talk about WH or the sitch
with friends/family, but do feel disappointed that they all
seem to have "moved on" now, no longer seeming to think I
still need support. Even God seems to have given up on me,
probably tired of hearing the same ole prayers for WH to
end the A and be ready and willing to reconcile, because
things sure haven't gone that way.

I don't have a lawyer (or the money to retain one), but did talk to one several times when going through this same cycle before so already know the way things work, my options, and rights. The one I talked to would, however,
review paperwork or answer questions for an hourly rate,
so I could do that it if becomes necessary.
There actually isn't much to even be decided or "hashed out"
if D, since we already sold our land and split up the things
like furniture when WH moved out in March. Also with no kids
and it unlikely that I'd get alimony, it'd be pretty simple
and unfortunately, pretty quick. (90 days)

I do understand about needing/wanting WH to show respect but
guess I just don't know how/what to do more than I've been
doing. I have always tried to treat WH respectfully,in spite
of his horrendous behavior, and have straight out told him
before that "I had let him go", and that I "didn't want to
be with him if he didn't want to be with me", but obviously
he continues to still be ruled by what he wants, when he
wants it and how he wants it, as he always has. You may
recall that he's been this way previously- when he wanted to
sell our 3rd vehicle, wanted us to sell our land, etc. and
I did't agree right away or had questions, he always had a
"temper tantrum", got mad, cussed, but then after cooling
down would compromise or go with "my way". Don't know if
that had anything to do with his bipolar, or if it's just
his having always been a spoiled child who got his way !

We did discuss changing my phone number, since OW was still
calling but due to the cost to change it again (just did it
in Feb) I instead had OW's number blocked so she couldn't
call here. Since WH had not been calling or making attempts
at contact, I didn't think about needing to change it so
he wouldn't have it. Still could though, just am feeling
very nervous about finances as the job search has taken
longer than I expected.

WH called once tonight, but I didn't answer. He was calm
and pleasant, telling me he had a flat tire today, then
said he wanted to know if I was going to sign the paperwork
or not, so he'd know what he needed to do tomorrow.
WHY is it suddenly SO urgent that he needs it tomorrow,
when he let the first set of paperwork expire, got an
extension, let it expire again, and waited for months ????
It is him feeling guilty about A and thinking it makes it
"better" or less wrong if he's done D paperwork ?
Is it pressure from OW, or an ultimatum that she would move
out and not see him unless he got D ?
Does he really not care anything about our history, life,
plans, potential, love, and fun times ?? It's hard to even
believe that he was home, sleeping in our bed, saying he
missed me and things we used to do, thanking me for still
believing in him and our M, and us having a fun trip just
a few months ago, and now this....



BS-(me)42, WH- 39
Married 8 yrs, together 11, no kids (WH has D 13, 11)
WH diagnosed as bipolar, obsessive-compulsive
8/05- WH moved out, denied affair but wanted to be "alone"
10/05- DDAY when OW called, exposed affair and I found out
WH had been living with her since 8/05. They broke up a day
later, WH moved out to own place, and A resumed a week later
WH filed initial D paperwork.
12/05- WH gets DUI on Christmas Eve, calls me for help, then
quickly comes out of the "fog", expresses remorse, wants to
reconcile, is breaking up with OW. Has terrible anxiety and
depression, seeks help with new IC and psychiatrist, and is
diagnosed as bipolar, put on meds. Great improvement, but
continued contact with OW.
1/06 WH moves home, things better for awhile, going to IC
and on meds, expresses committment to me and M.
2/06- Celebrated 8th anniversary, with card saying "thanks
for believing in me and our marriage", trip to Las Vegas.
Shortly after return home, A resumes.
3/06- WH moves out to newly renovated rehab property,
A is back on despite his denial. D paperwork expires with
nothing but the intital forms filed and no further action.
4/06- OW moves in with WH, "temporarily"
5/06- We sell our land, talk some, see each other once in
awhile, but A is continuing. I go to Plan B.

Nycron- not sure what you mean, but glad to make anyone's
day.
Slammed

Blow him. Who cares why he wants what he wants when?

This is why he doesn't respect you, Slammed. You think far too much about him, what he might like, do, etc.

It's time for you to assert your boundaries. No contact is the first step. Legal help is the next.

I'm not sure you can afford NOT to have an attorney. He sure saved a lot of money for me. We don't know what you're entitled to until you talk to an attorney. An attorney is also a great shield so that you can continue what you need to do with a minimum amount of trauma. A lawyer is also great for helping people who have no boundaries create them.

How about some legal aid services -- especially those for women?

Draw strength from YOUR love, not from him -- but recognize your love is thoroughly non-binding on him. Your integrity comes from keeping YOUR word, your vows, your promises. It has nothing to do with him.

Keep yourself within yourself. You have real problems: job to find, bills to pay, and now legal work that he is imposing on you. And how to maintain NC is another problem. He's thinking about what he wants (for whatever reason); you must think about what you need.

The tone of your posts is always: how can I make him... does he feel that... maybe he will come round if I ... Drop that. You can do nothing to change him. His thoughts and feelings are now irrelevant.

He's just thrown a bomb at you. Behave accordingly. He's trying to pretend it's a friendly gesture. It's not. It's war. You are now adversaries. Your interests are opposed. Don't let him fool you. You are dealing with an enemy, however much you love him, for the duration of this action, and very likely after. This is a legal action.

I think Mimi's suggestions for avoiding contact are spot-on.

He won't listen to reason, tears, pleading. So he must listen to a lawyer.

Slammed, can't you see the game he's trying to play? He's trying to pretend that nothing very big has happened, and that this is all very civilized, and you're all still friends. Your not. Destroy that illusion pronto.

If he follows through with this -- and he may very well follow through -- you need to establish the tone for your future relations. Give him an early taste of what divorce will be.

Weep and show how hurt you are -- and he will pity you like a worm he squashed on the sidewalk, and silently resent you for making him feel guilty. Show your strength -- and you have the best shot of turning this around, and if you can't, at least you will protect yourself and keep him from walking all over you.

As I said earlier, you may not get him to "love" you again -- but it's absolutely necessary -- and in your power -- to make him respect you.

Hi Slammed,

(((((slammed)))))

I am so sorry. I am in the same sitch.
I was served at work yesterday with D papers. Although I have the ability to represent myself, I'm not going to. It's way too emotional. You're going to need a third party to represent you fairly.

Please, please, please don't contact your WH. My WH called twice last week but I never returned his calls. In his messages, he still called me by my nickname. WH wants to be friendly with me because he said he wanted an "easy and painless" divorce. WH has his selfish motives and it was evident in the dissolution paperwork.

I was so tempted to call my WH yesterday after I was served (in anger and in sadness) but it took three friends to convince me not to. WHs are in fully engulfed in the fog. Any contact with WH is detrimental to your emotional health. While WH is still in A, he is not going to listen to you.

If you are tempted to call your WH, please don't. Call a friend instead. From this point forward, any contact should be made through your atty.

Protect yourself by getting legal advice. There are free legal aid clinics you can go to.

I am having the toughest time with acceptance and coping with the loneliness and heartbreak. All the fond memories are vivid. Your past with your H was real. Your WH was once your loyal H. He is no longer the man you once knew.

I have been waiting for my WH to emerge from the fog but he's stuck. I have learned that my WH is a changed man. I don't want to stay married to a liar and a cheater. However, I knew that I didn't want a D. I was willing to wait. However, WH wasn't patient. He's still stuck in this fantasy life with the nasty OW.

I know that it seems like life is impossible right now but it will get better. God will continue to carry you during this time. He is always present and he will always remain faithful to you.

Stay strong.

Believe us, Slammed.

Believe us because we have been through this..some who have posted to you are going through this.

We have said this over and over again to you but you don't seem to be getting it.

I will try once again.

The facts are...plain and simple:

Your WH is NO DIFFERENT than any other WS.

He is having an AFFAIR...

And therefore does not care about anything else but being with the OW. He will lie, cheat, steal..to continue to get his FIX from her.

You have got to ACCEPT THIS.

You are now POWERLESS in your ability to change this.

All that you can do now is to take care of yourself, Slammed.

Taking care of yourself, standing up for yourself, DEMANDING RESPECT from your WH is YOUR BEST CHANCE AT RECONCILING WITH HIM!!

I know all of the above, Slammed because I have been there..where you sit. I did the pleading. I did the crying. I asked the questions of WHY...WHY..WHY..There were no logical answers.

What worked best for me was ACCEPTANCE. The MARRIAGE I once had..the HUSBAND that I once had was GONE FOREVER.

I put it all in GOD'S HANDS... How can you say that God has forsaken you? Is it because you saw the face of the Devil today and you are allowing the evil forces to overpower you?

My H has told me that he could not love a woman who did not RESPECT herself. The key, Slammed, was no longer allowing the DISRESPECT and your WH continues to DISRESPECT you over and over again.

He does not deserve YOUR RESPECT. He is a lowdown, deceitful WS and he is out to manipulate you to get what he wants.

I'm willing to bet.. you can make claims on HIS HOUSE.

Since finances are a problem for you, don't do anything. Let him have to serve you. Can't he make you go to court before a judge? I don't know anything about the law.

I do know that you really, really need to change your mindset.

After all that we have been saying, you listened to him talk to you once again on your answering machine?

You need to pretend that he no longer exists.

When we say DARK, we mean DARK....

There is no way around this if you really want to reconcile your marriage..you have no other option.

Maybe if I put it this directly you will get it.

What will it take for you to get it?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Thanks A.M,
I think your comments about WH trying to be "friendly" and
act like this is no big deal are very true. Sounds like so
many other of the WS here who want a "easy and painless"
divorce and to remain "friends"- must be, in their foggy
thinking, less guilt if they can think of it this way ?

My best friend said to me last night, "You know, I think
your WH has no idea how things are going to be if you D.
He has always been able to count on you, has always known
you were there for him, and probably still will think it's
okay to call once in awhile, ask about the dog, and if he's
got a problem, is upset, hurt, or needs help, he'll still
be counting on you since OW is worthless and he has no
friends. Let me tell you, it's not going to be like that" (she is twice divorced, and very regretful that she did not do more to save her last marriage, which was to a great guy). I had to agree- I think WH is so used to getting his
way, never having to take responsibility, and does not know
how things would be.

I think it would be easiest for me if I could not have to
deal with WH AT ALL, but don't know of anyway to do that
when he is still paying the bulk of the bills/expenses and
I'm still in our house, with so many of his things here.
Therefore, my first priority is really working hard to find
a job as soon as I possibly can, so I won't have to be
dependent on him for money or have to correspond about it
with him. Until then, I'll have to just keep it as minimal
as possible, strictly business, and via email only.
Once I get a job, then I think I'd be okay with selling the
house (I don't want to, but won't be able to afford it and
maybe there are too many memories here). He'll have to
continue to pay on expenses until it's sold, but then once
I have my own place, at least he'll have no say, can't
intrude, etc.

It would be nice to have a lawyer so they could just handle
everthing, but I just don't have the money for that. Was
able to get a lot of answers and ask questions at free
consultations however, and before agreeing to any kind of
a settlement, would pay an attorney to review everything
and make sure all bases are covered and things are going to
be equitable and good for me. Our situation was considered
pretty "simple" since no kids, little to divide, etc.
The only thing debatable was the issue of the two houses,
and what I wanted was to receive the entire profits from
sale of this house, in leiu of half of each house, which
WH tentatively agreed to some time back-

I do realize there's nothing I can do to change him, his
way of thinking, his feelings, or the A right now, and can
only control my own thinking and feelings. Believe me when
I say that I am trying so hard, going against every feeling
and instinct to stick to no contact, making boundaries, and
trying to gain his respect. It frustrates me to no end to
know that WH chooses to respect a sleazy, lying, controlling
and manipulaive OW who plays games, put down ultimatums and
treats WH like crap, but disrespects me who has always been
honest, fair, treated him well, and was straight forward
about things ! (He once said in IC that he had lost some
respect for me because I didn't go back to school or try
a different job field, and wasn't more "his equal" when it
came to making money or having a more prestigious job, yet
OW is sales rep for a food company, not exactly his "equal"
or very prestigious to me !)

Slammed

Ready2wait,
I'm so sorry you are in the same situation, and I'm sure
we feel very much the same.

I definitely have no desire to talk to WH- it just brings
up all the hurt, frustration, and gets me upset, and of
course, never brings any resolution to anything since he's
as evasive, dishonest, and avoiding as he's been every since
the A began.

I have gotten quite a bit of legal advise, and as we have
no kids, no joint credit cards, sold our land, and split up
most of the belongings when he moved out, there isn't too
much left to settle, but I stood my ground as far as the
dividing of things and getting my fair share of the land
sale money and tax return, and am not going to get less than
my fair share on anything else if we do divorce.

I am also having a very hard time with acceptance. I am a
very "logical" type of thinker and feel like I need to have
some type of understanding of this before I can "process" it
and let it be- my mind is always still wanting to figure
out "why, what if, when, where", etc..
It's also very hard for me to accept that things have gone
from what I felt was a happy and strong marriage, to this
situation in a short time, without any real problems or
warning signs. Even as recently as our brief reconciliation
at the beginning of the year, we still got along, had fun,
were making plans, and WH slept with me in our bed until
the day he moved out-

I lived alone, had my own home, traveled, supported myself,
and did lots with friends and family before I was married,
but adjusting to being alone again has been tough. WH and
I were constant companions, talked about everything, and did
almost everything together, so I have felt that loss of his
friendship, support and companionship very strongly after
11 years together.

I too was patient enough to wait out the A, believed that
things could and would turn around once the A ended and
WH was out of the fog, but he has either gotten tired of
being "on the fence" all this time, or the pressure from
OW has gotten too strong, so he's anxious to move on.

I don't know if WH will have "calmed down" a bit from
yesterday's big rush (he is so very changeable and never
predictable, partly due to his bipolar) or he could be
downtown filing paperwork right now and having me served,
but I realize nothing I do is going to make a difference
so I'm just going about my day today and trying to get
myself together.

Thoughts and prayers for you too.
Slammed

Mimi,
I always appreciate your comments, knowing you have "been
there", with some similiarities in your situation, and was
able to recover.

I know that I have great difficulty with acceptance.
I feel like I need to have an "understanding" that makes
sense to me before I can feel any type of resolution or
closure about the situation, and of course since there is
no logic or reason to the A, the foggy WS, and the things
they say or do, it's hard to come to that point.
I do realize WH is just another cheating and lying husband
who is now so different from the person I knew, and has a
"one track" mind where all he sees, thinks and feels about
his his addiction to that trashy OW.
I know if we got back together that things would not be the
same, H would not be the same, nor would I, and I guess I
wouldn't want them to be- my belief that I, he, we could
change and make a better marriage than before has been my
driving force all along, and my biggest frustration with
WH is that he cannot see that.

I know that if WH is determined to file the D paperwork,
there is nothing I can do to keep it from happening.
I know it doesn't necessarily mean "the end", but I've been
so sure he would come out of the fog, value us again, come
back to "real life", and felt like the fact he had let the
paperwork expire before and done nothing new were in our
favor. I have the patience and faith to wait it out, but
now knowing that he doesn't, for whatever reason, this D
paperwork comes as a really big blow.

I do want his respect and recognize it's necessary if things
are ever going to change, just don't always know what I can
do differently. I've tried to act with dignity, class and
my head held high, even in the tough times, held my ground
as far as dividing up our household items, selling our land,
vehicle, tax refund, etc. but it has not seemed to gain any
ground with WH. What else can I do, other than going as
dark as possible and giving him a "taste" of how divorce
would actually be ? (I don't think he has any idea of what
it would be like)

As you know, I am right now dependent on WH financially,
so getting a job and getting my own finances is my highest
priority. Until then I don't have a way to totally avoid all
contact, but I have done well at contacting him only via the
email, in a business like manner, when necessary.
Even though I can't afford an attorney to handle everything
I did consult with more than one, so know how things will
work, the process, my rights, entitlements, etc.
Whether we both sign the initial paperwork and it is filed, or WH goes and files and has me served, the process is the same- we would next have to go to a mandatory conference with a "facilitator" in 30-45 days, who answers questions, fills out more paperwork, etc. Then, before the end of the
90 day waiting period both people have to submit all their
financial disclosure info, and a proposed settlement plan.
The facilitator first review them to see if they look
agreeable, then they go to a judge, who either agrees or
disagrees, and if the 90 day wait is up, signs off on them
and it's done. The facilitator advised us before that the
judge is generally agreeable with most settlement plans as
long as they are fair and equitable to both parties, with
neither getting much more than the other.
In our case, the only real issue would probably be the two
houses, and rather than each of us having claim to "half"
of each, the laywer before had suggested my being entitled
to all the proceeds from sale of this house, and WH keeping
the other house, since he intends to remaing living there.
WH seemed agreable with that before- would have to see ..

I don't purposely listen to WH's messages, but when I am
in the house it's hard to avoid being able to hear the
message as it's being recorded from a call. Don't know
whether to expect he may have calmed down since last night's
big tantrum, or if he's down filing right now, but I can't
do anything about it either way.
My issue with signing the paperwork or making him having it
served was that if he has it served, I have to pay the fee
for the "service", a concern with me due to my job sitch.
Since I will not do the filing, regardless, he will have
to pay the filing fee himself.

I didn't sleep very well and feel exhausted with a headache
this morning, but am going to try to "get with it". I have
job hunting, some laundry, and a couple of errands to do,
and a friend invited me over for dinner. Weekend ahead looks
long however..
slammed

Slammed:

I'm trying to get inside your head..trying to help you..because I remember a time when I had your mindset and MY NEW MINDSET was hammered into me by Steve Harley and folks here and it took lots of hammering.

I skimmed over your response to me when you SAID that you get it but you really don't! I went back and started with your response to AM. Check this out. You said about your discussion with your friend:



Note the bold and the last sentence and keep these FACTS in mind:

WSes do not have the capactity TO THINK. They are RULED BY EMOTION.

THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND...HE IS A STANDARD, GARDEN-VARIETY WS!! ( I think that's how we allow the WS to emotionally abuse us..getting caught up in how SPECIAL he is or how SPECIAL our situation is). Treat him for what he is..a WS!



Are you sure that you are not looking for an excuse? I had access to my H's bank account online..even took out my alimony and child support out of there during my LS. Where there's a will there's way..is what my grandmother used to say.



I think you need to invest in talking to a lawyer for at least an hour. Would your parents help you with this? Since you are not working, he may owe you SPOUSAL SUPPORT since he ABANDONED you. That would be true in my state.



Don't back down on this. GO FOR IT!! Remember, your goal is to GAIN HIS RESPECT!!!



What makes you assume that he RESPECTS her?

The only thing that matters is that he RESPECTS YOU. Who knows what their relationship is like? It is probably incomprehensible to you or us. SICK....



The first step is for you to DEMAND RESPECT and to RESPECT YOURSELF because you are WORTHY of this.. regardless of what HE DOES.....



I am yelling now, Slammed, when I say this:

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO THE OTHER WOMAN!!!

You cannot compare DIAMONDS and CUT GLASS!

I think this a self-esteem issue for you, Slammed.

Is your WH more worthy than you? Is he more valuable and important thany you?

Get this, right now, he is SICK AND UNHEALTHY. It is time for you to rise up and be the healthy one.

YES, SUPERIOR TO HIM AT THIS POINT IN TIME!!!

Because he is now lost and not worthy of being considered..not worthy of the ground that you walk on..that is why you need to stay away from him.

Answer this question for us. When you saw him, what compelled you to think that you could talk sense into him? At that moment, what motivated you?

Next I will take a look at your next post.

Many lawyers offer an hour of free consultation prior to being hired.

In fact, they usually advise you to shop around to find the right lawyer.

Also, I got some sort of discount because of the credit union I was a member of. Not much of a discount, admittedly, but it allowed me to get a better lawyer than I would normally have retained.

At least in our state, you can have the legal fees visited on him, if you have been low-income.

Make a list of questions to ask attorneys, telephone, and see if you can set up one-hour free consultations. A drag, I know, but it may make a big difference in your future.

Thanks, Mimi. It does help to have specifics of ways to
change my "thinking" patterns.

I can definitely see that WH does make decision based on his
emotions "of the moment", rather than any kind of logic,
sense, or "thinking", which explains his often erratic, odd
behavior and changeability.
One thing that still bothers me though is why he is doing this now, after having been with OW "off and on" for a year , as I'd think the "fantasy" would certainly have faded and the bubble been burst, and instead of their A dying, it seems it must be gaining some momentum for him to be taking this drastic of action ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I realize from reading so many other's situations that WH is
very much like most of the others, down to his WS behavior
and even things he says and there is some comfort in that,
since sometimes those WS have turned around and returned to
their marriages, like in your case.

As far as communicating regarding the finances, this is
actually very minimal. I have made a list each month of the
total bills and expenses, have deducted out my pay, and WH
has deposited the remaining amount in our joint account,
from which I've paid all the household bills. We don't have
online banking and his account is not at the same bank as
our joint one, so I don't know of another way to do this-

I do plan to talk to a lawyer when/if it comes down to
needing review of financials/settlement plans because I
won't be willing to sign or submit those without a lawyer
checking them to make sure all is done to be as favorable
to me as possible, and hopefully by that time I'll have a
job, but if not, I will come up with the money to hire the
attorney by hourly rate. Right now, I can't think of any
questions or anything I need to ask, since we'e already been
"down this path" and I've asked many questions and found
out how things would work.
One thing I was told before is that WH would continue to temporarily pay on the house and household expenses until the house was sold or I could take over the expenses, which sounds like the "spousal support" you mention. There is nothing as far as "abandonment" however, as this is a no-fault/no grounds state. (which stinks, because I'd sure like to name OW on any paperwork I could !!)

My comment about WH respecting OW but not his own wife comes
from things he has said about OW, especially his comments
in IC when he talked about how he respected her "career",
her moving here not knowing anyone, being very "independent"
etc. But, I do realize these were comments from a foggy WS !

I don't believe WH to be better, more valuable, or more
important than me, and don't think OW to be anything special
either- both are just people with good and bad points, but
you are right in that this is a tough self-esteem issue for
me. I've struggled all my life with low self-esteem, never
felt I've looked good or could do anything "special", so
having WH pick OW over me is hard on my feelings and esteem.
Having her fling insults at me, including that "WH could
just stay with his cow of a wife if he wanted to" didn't
help either, as OW has a very high opinion of herself, her
looks, etc . I think WH finds OW very attractive and "sexy"
in a way he doesn't feel about me.

I do know that WH and OW have a very strange, unhealthy,
immoral and sick "relationship" (for lack of a better word)
and I don't believe it is any kind of a "real" or lasting
thing, which is why I had the patience and determination to
stick it out, believing it would end and WH would want to
reconcile. But now that he apparently is out of patience,
too tired of being on the fence, or gettin too much push
from OW for D, it's going to take the chance of that away.

Don't know why I thought or wanted to try to talk sense to
WH- I guess I wanted to appeal to the tiny "H" part of him
that might still be in there, and to the things he used to
value and find important and special. Obviously, he's got
himself very "talked in to" his "want to be alone, on my
own" theory, and has been seeming to gradually pull away
and seperate from me ever since he moved out to his own
place- such as not wanting any of our things, but getting
all his own new stuff (linens, dishes, bedding, etc), his
own dog, sticking with the IC who seemed to be enabling his
A "script" and denial of real issues, no longer adding in
money for his grocery/gas/medical/spending in our budget
but doing his own seperately, and now this-

A.M.- Thank you for the ideas. I did do free consultations
with two different lawyers when at this same point last year
and found it very helpful to find out about the process,
rights, options, etc. I pretty much know how things stand
right now, but will have more questions and things to be
reviewed down the road, so will be utilizing consultations
again.
Slammed

Go through your last post and count how many times you referred to WH, what he's doing, what he's thinking, what he might be feeling, what his motives are, what kind of relationship he and OW are having.

Slammed,

You have to remember, he is DIVORCING you now. The game has changed. He has lobbed a bomb at you.

If you want him to respect you, then you have to respect him. And that means treating his decision with the utmost seriousness it deserves -- whether or not he is doing this whimsically, or because he was pressured by OW, or whatever. Given his history, he is likely to vascillate -- but you have to treat his decision as a serious step. It is. It changes both your lives.

I don't want to destroy your hopes -- nobody knows what's going to happen, nobody ever does -- and I wish you the best. We all do. But the probability is that the divorce will go through. I don't want to see you come crashing down if your marriage does.

I watched people extend hope again and again to hurting, telling her they had a "good feeling" he was going to come 'round -- and he didn't. At least not so far. (He may come 'round post-divorce if she's willing to wait, who knows?)

You are still far, far, far to fixated on him and what he's doing and why. You need to detach. Not pretend to detach. Not detach to get his attention. But really detach.

Slammed:

I agree with much of what AM said especially about your need to DETACH.

You have got to STOP trying to make sense of this. STOP, STOP ASKING WHY. You will not figure it all out especially not now.



WOW, SLAMMED. This needs to be your focus now. FOCUS all your efforts and attention on changing this mindset..this negative view of yourself..defining who you are according to how your WH treats you or by what a HO, TRAMP OW has to say...I encourage you to make this the focus of your work in IC. What can you do to help feel better about yourself? What makes you feel sexy? What changes do you want to make about yourself..changes to please yourself and not your WH or anyone else? I know you have started this process...

Your H..your marriage..your life as you once knew it is now over...This is what I had to tell myself..this is what I accepted and came to realize...

What you have left is YOURSELF..

Grow in your love for YOURSELF, Slammed....

(((((slammed))))))

I'm just catching up I've been away a couple days.
I'm glad you had a good mini-vacation.
I'm sorry you had to deal w/ all this when you got back.

Sounds like you've been getting good advice from A.M. and mimi. You need a lawyer and you need plan B.

Your WH is trying to come out of this the "good guy"...do his own thing, HUH! HE wants what he wants, when he wants it. TOTALLY alien fogspeak. He wants to be your friend through the D. Well w/ friends like that who needs enemies?

Please focus on yourself, take care of yourself, you are so precious and special you don't deserve any of this pain. Ya know I think we should have a plan B commune where members could go and we could keep a bouncer at the door like Pep or even better lemonman/pep tagteam.

Hug your dog, cry when you need to, post and vent to us, then fix your face dust off your tiara and do something special for yourself.

(((((slammmed)))))

{{{Slammed}}}

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened after you came back. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've gone through that too. And I did EXACTLY the same thing you did, which is to 'lecture' WH how divorcing is not a solution, we can make our M better, remember the happy old days, etc. A lot of people told me back then that I could not reason him, but I kept trying... to no avail. Slammed, right now, there is nothing you can say about your M that would change his mind. The more you do this, the more he will try to escape.

I know this sounds almost impossible - it was impossible to me too - but try not to think about this too much. Thinking about this will not solve the problem, unfortunately. So don't waste your energy and emotions on this. I know it's difficult, but try to do this. I have been trying to do this as well. When I was going through the hardest time, I kept telling myself "heck, I'm spending this much time and energy on US while WH is probably out drinking and having fun - why do I have to use MY time and MY energy on HIM??? It's a waste!"

WH and I had a fight over the phone (because I don't trust him and am not letting him back in the house easily - PLEASE, he hasn't yet done anything to prove that he is trustworthy!) on Thursday and he got so mad and sent me a nasty email saying that he would contact his lawyer to proceed with our D process and would also mention that DS3 and I would go out of the country. AGAIN!!!

So I am going through the same thing, Slammed. But we will be okay. We will be happier than our WHs in the end. You saw how unhappy your WH still looks, and I know mine is not happy either. And, if they truly want D, they will lose, not US, and they will regret their decisions one day.

Hugs,
Milk

I just love reading how much you've grown, MILK!!!

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