Hello everybody,

I am struggling with my W’s infidelity. The D day was Jan 4th 2006 when she sent me an email telling mew about her A. I am currently in Plan A but she told me already she doesn’t intend to leave the house so I don’t know how plan B would help me.
Here is the link to my original thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...484#Post2936473

She says she’ll en her A but has lots of demands (see my thread). It’s like she's giving me a last warning. Whatever I say, it's wrong, whatever I do, it's wrong.
Help!

Hi adrian.

For others, I recommend you read the e-mail he got - it's toward the end of that linked thread. Classic, classic, classic alien abduction. Alien abduction AND moose brain worms.

Kudos to LA for being a tremendous asset to adrian so far.

adrian - For now it looks like you gotta suck it up and Plan A. No LB's. You don't have to agree with her demands, but by doing a good Plan A you avoid some conflicts.

The dynamic with OM's wife and new baby has to develop. That could be a strong catalyst to get his head outta his butt. Also, since you comunicate with OM's wife, get her a copy of SAA.

Boundaries are an issues - obviously. Hopefully you'll get some good advice on this aspect > how to set them without LB'ing and how to earn respect, even when you don't get your way.

WAT

WAT,

"Alien abduction AND moose brain worms."

I chuckled out loud at that. Thank you!!!! Felt really good.

LA

Adrian,

I'm concerned about your MIL sending these demands to your wife and her taking them on. Could you ask your MIL if she intended to get the A broken up the only way she knew how, by appealing to your WW's thirst for power and selfish demands? That her intent was to end the A at all cost and then everything would be rosey?

What do you think? Or is MIL a destructive force, just like your FIL is a passive destructive force? Have they been living there since November?

About your hand-slapping situation...goes hand-in-hand (okay, pun intended) with the BIL incident. Something occurs and everyone agrees behind you're back that you did something wrong. Your wife does not ask, "Hey, what was that about?" but sits and silently concludes the answer.

Remember how much I saw in your posts of mindreading and assumptions? You're not alone. It is the dynamic of her family of origin, most likely yours, and in your marriage it is so unconscious, no one can see it. You're feeling the effects...the guilty before being proven innocent feeling.

This can really deflate feeling loved, protected and cherished, don't you think?

How have you been doing with those mental habits? Better, worse? Did you run this morning?

Did you talk believer's advice and not mention her email and not reply?

So many are here for you, Adrian. And they understand first hand your pain, anger and what you've committed yourself to--and most have done it themselves.

LA

Maybe Orchid will chime in here. She is so great at reverse babble. When I read the email, my eyes popped out, but Orchid could reply easily since she speaks fog speak.

My MIL sent that email to my W's work email address. I can't tell her I had access to my W's email.

I don't really think my MIL is a destructive force. She keeps telling me that everything will be OK. We took my FIL out to a restaurant tonight. Everybody was there: my W, BIL with his W, MIL, FIL, DDs and me. After we came home my MIL told me that I did really well in maintaining the good mood. If you ask me I only saw my W being nervous and grumpy. On our way back, in the car, my W made some bad comments about my BIL's wife (who was in another car). She doesn’t like her and she doesn’t like me. She only likes her father, her mother and her brother (even though two weeks ago she said she no longer had a brother because he was not on her side this time! – referring to the A).

As soon as we got home my W went upstairs to rest. I asked her if she was OK, is she needed anything or if there was anything I could do for her. No, no, no. I left and went down in the basement to play with the kids.

My in laws came here in October and I guess my W wanted to give them a welcome present: her A…

I didn’t mention anything about her email and didn’t reply to it. She didn’t call me today at all. I didn’t call her and I didn’t check her emails either.

I ran this morning and I will do it again tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and so on, until her fog will dissipate.

I figured you didn't want anyone knowing about your access to email, but it could be asked in such a way as to not reveal anything.

I love it--your wife "had a grumpy face?"

Sorry...I cave sometimes.

You're doing awesome. Did your wife take her cell upstairs with her? That would be the only thing I would do differently. "Why don't you leave your cell here, so it won't disturb you?"

Your belief of whom she likes and doesn't won't get you anywhere. I know you understand that she lives through her feelings, which change all the time, so whom she likes is as relevant as the weather. Right now.

She doesn't like herself.

Good to know that your BIL is supportive of you!

I'm looking at her A now with a different idea. FOO issues. Family of Origin. Triggers a lot of junk and may have been the push to choose relief.

I'm hoping Orchid will show, too. She can hand you some words you can really use.

Did you read ark^^'s thread yet? Plan A tips and musings...get grounded here

Read all the way through. You've found your physical relief...add some emotional ones, too. Especially the creative stuff.

LA

LA,

I did read ark^^'s thread. Great tips. I guess I am doing what he's saying. I gave a lot tonight and didn't receive anything in exchange, but I feel OK.

Yes, she had a grumpy face! Believe it or not she had it. What was the reason, I don't know.

About her cell phone. I can't tell her to leave it there because I never see that phone. She is hiding it from me. And also, she's hiding the bill from me. I know she subscribed to online billing so I won't receive a hard copy in the mailbox.

"She doesn't like herself."
I am trying to make her like herself. If I succeed then I won't like myself I will love myself.

There will be 5 weeks tomorrow since the D day.

This was the part of that thread I was thinking about for you...

"plan A works for all and any contact...

it also works with some little twists thrown in...
it's important for the BS to not ALWAYS be where the WS expects...
it means the BS has a dinner party or goes out with friends that usually included the WS and leaves the WS exactly what that engagement was like....

it means the BS when in contact throws in a little mystery..by a simple comment or question that tweak their interest...
something like..
'remember that good bottle of wine we had....what was the name...I wanted to get a bottle of that for a friend of mine...but can't remember where we had/got it....as a little thankyou for something....
then zippppp your lipppppppp

and no more on that subject....

see the creativity of plan A.....all the freedom of control"

I believe she had a grumpy face. I don't think you ever had one! In her FOO, anything less than joyous smiles wasn't tolerated.

Good to know on the cell phone. Can't you walk in on her talking on it?

You cannnot make someone like themselves. It is inhuman and even disrespectful. However, you can make yourself like yourself and others, even when they aren't acting right. I want you to succeed in loving yourself totally--best revenge, really.

Has it been five weeks already? Where does the time go...where's that guy, you know, nice, hurting, who in ten days thought he couldn't stand another minute...where's that guy? In his what, uhm, :::adding fingers, adding toes:::: oh! 35th day!!!

You were giving tonight from other parts of yourself...not to exchange anything, Adrian. You were giving because of your children, your 12 years and your hope. If there is something desired in return, then it wasn't giving, was it?

Be creative in how to ask MIL what would be a great way to get your wife to stop being unfaithful...oh, maybe as her that?

LA

Orchid: Believer, u r 2 funny!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Your WS is spewing stupid babble.

Here's my reply:

WS,
Not sure if you will understand this but as for your demands, well, you don't get to have much since u r the one who did the dirty deed. When you can meet my needs, we can talk. 'til then, you'd best be on your best behavior since you have taught me that you are not as flawless as I used to believe u 2 b.

Sincerely,
forever the BS until you stop being a WS.

Howz that?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Your wife's email reminds me of the old Steve Martin routine where he gets surrounded by police while trying to rob a bank. The negotiator calls and Steve says he has three demands:

1) a million dollars
2) a getaway car
3) that the letter "M" be stricken from the English language.

He says it is always good to have one crazy demand so that, if you get caught, you can always plead insanity. "Getaway car - I mean really..."

You said that you could meet all your wife's demands. Why would it even occur to you to try?

You said MIL is coaching your WW but (I think) MIL may not know you know. I would use that to my advantage, if possible. Use the MIL to send disinformation to your WW.

It sounds like your WW is trying to cut an outstanding deal for herself. None of those are acceptable terms in any marriage.

Good post traicionado. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you all for your posts.

I am afraid that if I told my W what Orchid advised me she might leave...
Traicionado, you have an excelent idea. I will try use my MIL to send disinformation to my W.
LA, I ran this morning and now I feel OK. My W was still in bed when I came back. She asked me if I ran again. I said yes, and that was it... Did I feel that she was a little bit envy?

It is just a feeling but you may find when this is all over that your fears were groundless. You will be amazed how the balanc of power will swign back and forth in this deal.

Regardless, if you are afraid to go head on with WW, test the waters through MIL. Just pretend to have a "breakdown" while you are talking to her and "spill your heart". Tell her that your WW's demands are simply unacceptable and you don't see any way out. Put the fear of God in MIL. Tell MIL that you have decided to expose to friends/family/God and everybody. There is nothing left to lose. Surely MIL will worry about the reputation of her DD if nothing else.

I have not read your entire other post so take that with a grain of salt. Think through carefully how you want to use information to MIL. LA and others have been taking great care of you so get advice from a few before proceeding down that path.

Your WW has not drawn a line in the sand - she has dug the Grand Canyon. If she is that set to go, why hasn't she? There is a power you have that she wants. What is it?

Ooo Ooo Ooo!!!!

That is EXACTLY what needs to happen!!!

One step backward to take two steps forward!

Man oh man, Adrian, if you think she would leave, go for it!!

She needs to experience a consequence of her decisions. Soon as she leaves, you establish legal division of assets and change the locks, go to Plan B. Set her adrift.

Sound harsh? You bet! It's supposed to be.

Gettting her to leave is the VERY best thing - short of waking up - that could happen.

Now, that said, you allow her to make this decision. All the while, your mantra is that you want the family to stay intact and work on the marriage - but that can't happen as long as OM is in the picture.

WAT

She told me in the email she sent me that she will end her A and we'll discuss further about our marriage after Valentine's Day. BTY, what do you think is the most ridiculous demand from her? (If you don't mind going back and read the email I've posted)

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...484#Post2936473

She doesn't want to leave the house (she told me that) and she doesn't want me to leave the house (not that I have any intention of doing that).

If I'm not mistaken, during the withdrawal period, the WS would be very irritated, nervous, etc. That's exactly the way she behaves these days. This morning, as soon she came downstairs, she yelled at my MIL, she was angry with the kids, and so on. Maybe she already told the OM that was over and now she doesn't have her drug, causing her to have this bad mood.

Don't dwell on this adrian. ALL of her "demands" are ridiculous. She's not in a position to demand ANYTHING. As for you, demands are lovebusters. Don't make any.

Consider checking in with OM's wife. See if the baby has changed things from his perspective.

WAT

Her entire list is abject nonsense. None of them are worth the bandwidth she used to transmit the email and none of them are negotiable. You simply keep telling her you are going to do everything you can think of to save the marriage.

By the way, I went over your previous thread and I never saw where you exposed this affair to everyone who can put pressure on it. Did you?

WAT – I am not asking her for anything anymore. I am just waiting for her to start a conversation about the demands email she sent me. She has asked me not to talk about it until after Valentine’s Day, but I won’t bring it up but wait for her.

Longhorn - My family knows, her family knows and most of our friends know. But no one can talk to her. Whenever someone tries to talk to her she becomes sarcastic and treats everybody like “another smart one telling me what to do”.

I just opened up a letter she has received from the company she has her cell phone plan with. They thank her for subscribing to online billing (I new she did that but she doesn’t know that). I gave her the letter telling very calm: “You have received a letter from these guys”. Then I turned my back and left. Now she knows I know that she is hiding her bill from me so I can’t see the breakdown for all incoming/outgoing calls. She didn’t say anything. I am asking how is she going to pay for it. We share the same account. Does she think that I won't notice the transaction? Can't believe that she did that.

I have to go now. We are preparing to attend a wedding. I am curious to see what my friends at the table will have to say. As for me, I will enjoy my friends’ wedding. I will have a few drinks, dance (eventually with my WW) and have a good time.


Thank you guys for your posts.

Adrian, you say everyone in your family and your wife's family knows. Make sure they also know the adultery continues.

If your friends look at her strangely at today's wedding (or if she thinks they do) your know your reply to her bitter anger about it is that they're looking at her that way because of what she did, not what you told them, right? Learn the babble wayward spouses spout and learn the reverse babble replies. They'll keep you sane.

I saw in your other thread you've talked (at least once) with the OMW but I don't see any comments about recent contact. She should know her husband is continuing his inappropriate conduct also. She has the right to know.

Since he is an old friend, have you exposed what he is doing to his parents? Normally that would be the province of his wife, but you know them well and they can put enormous pressure on their son if they're willing to. Consider it, okay?

This adultery seems to have been sparked in the environment of a local college or something like that. Have you thought of exposing there? If their instructor knows of the adultery, he or she might provide a little more observation than otherwise and perhaps let a little disapproval slip into his or her facial expression. That's pressure and it's legitimate to apply it.

Finally, if they are conducting any part of the affair while they are at work (e.g., using company phones to call, corporate computers for email or instant messaging, extended lunches to meet somewhere, etc.) then exposing there might also appropriate. My thought on exposure is to not leave any refuge where they can hide and make even the most tenuous of contacts.

Good luck in all you do.