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We had a little discussion tonight. We went to a furniture store (with DDs and in-laws) and it was not bad. We talked a little bit, but she was very cold and nervous.
After we came home she told me (yelled at me):
"How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to my father about our problem? Did you look at him now? He's a mess. If something is going to happen to either him or my M I am going to hold you responsible for that!" Then she left the room not leaving me the opportunity to say something. After a while, she went to bad. I went upstairs and calmly told her:
"You can't control people. You can't control me. Please stop threatening me."
She goes (sarcastically): "If that is what you understood..." She's babbling....tell her so. She isn't worried about her dad, she's worried about being exposed. You should let her know that if she doesn't choose to be a WS, you won't need to expose.....so for her to STOP giving people sooo many reasons to expose. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> L.
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By the way, the sun did rise here today. It will probably will get to you in a few more hours - just in case you are up and still have any nagging doubts. I am watching it and it still appears to be on the right track. If it begins to deviate at all, I'll post you a heads up. DUDE!!! I lauged so hard when I read this, I spewed coffee all over my keyboard. And then I looked outside, and got to thinking... It's 8 am.... no sun!!! It's a little grey, so it must be around somewhere.... geez.... now I'm paranoid.
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You should let her know that if she doesn't choose to be a WS, you won't need to expose.....so for her to STOP giving people sooo many reasons to expose. Every time I mention this she tells me: "What A, I no longer have an A!"
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Morning, Adrian, Are asking how to answer your wife? If you are...Orchid's reverse babble is the key...but you must use the Listen and Repeat to make it effective. "I hear you are asking me how many times do you have to tell me not to talk to your father about your A, is that correct?" "42." (Okay, this would be a DJ...but so fun!) "I agree with you--your affair is a tremendous stress to your family. I totally understand that." "What A? I no longer have an A!" ::look around the room, under a cushion::: "Really? Where did you put it?" (Okay, not RB, I don't think...still fun) "I hear you asking what affair? The relationship you have with OM outside the boundary of marriage that betray your family with every action you take and every word you speak to him." Adrian...how about MC? Is that viable now? And if not, how about IC for you? Another strong step you can take for you. Please ask Orchid for help with the babble...you have a great sense of humor and could be using that now, for your sanity and to Plan A your wife. I'm sure she was attracted to you for it and that the rough times pre-A were aided by it. What do you think? Dewt spewed. Just had to note that. LOL Does soulloss know? O&H..and paper towels for the keyboard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I have the sun here now, no grey...neener neener. LA
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Let me know what lines you want interpreted and I'll try. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> As for Dewt spewing all over his keyboard....well....maybe that could mean his future posts c/b considered reverse babble. Maybe you could e-mail his responses. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Btw, sun is shining here but a bit cloudy. Look pretty outside. I best go enjoy it as soon as I get off this 'puter. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> L.
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Orchid, Please translate what my WW said to me. Thank you so much. We had a little discussion tonight. We went to a furniture store (with DDs and in-laws) and it was not bad. We talked a little bit, but she was very cold and nervous.
After we came home she told me (yelled at me):
"How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to my father about our problem? Did you look at him now? He's a mess. If something is going to happen to either him or my M I am going to hold you responsible for that!" Then she left the room not leaving me the opportunity to say something.
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Orchid, Please translate what my WW said to me. Thank you so much. We had a little discussion tonight. We went to a furniture store (with DDs and in-laws) and it was not bad. We talked a little bit, but she was very cold and nervous.
After we came home she told me (yelled at me):
"How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to my father about our problem? Did you look at him now? He's a mess. If something is going to happen to either him or my M I am going to hold you responsible for that!" Then she left the room not leaving me the opportunity to say something. You said your FIL was healthy. Ask your FIL does he have a clue what your W is mad about so that you w/b responsible? See it is ploy to redirect your attention to someone else so she isn't in the spotlight. Once you get clearance from your FIL....and of course now he knows MORE of what the WS is doing....see if your FIL is willing to be added to YOUR support group and how far he is willing to lend his support. This is important. Once empowered (whether he joins or support group or not), go back to the WS and let her know that the issue of responsiblity of your FIL's health has been resolved. From now on, the WS is responsbile for ALL the pain inflicted on ALL persons who know of the A. Then say, just thought you'd like to know so YOU realize your A is damaging to more than just the BS. Then walk away.....she must stew on that mudpie you have slung her way. It is ok to fling stuff at the WS (in reverse babble style). IMHO, that is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> L.
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...well....maybe that could mean his future posts c/b considered reverse babble. Nope, it means my future posts will be filled with coffee-coated goodness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
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Orchid,
Thank you so much for your post.
I spoke with my FIL. Everything is OK as far as he’s concerned. It’s not me causing him to feel sick but I didn’t mention to my WW what you suggested. Not yet because today was a good day. We had BIL and his wife here for a barbecue. We made jokes, laughed, my WW served me my lunch (she actually took my plate and put everything I needed on it – something very unusual). It was a different day. WW was friendlier than before, even with BIL’s W! I had a strong desire to hold her in my arms but I didn’t do it.
We went to the mall and she got herself some clothes. She used the fitting room and I waited outside. She got out of the room to show me the clothes and asked me if I liked it. Just like in the old times. We left the store. I had a feeling of satisfaction. For the whole day she didn’t raise her voice at me and was not bad with the DDs.
A few weeks ago she told me the A is over. Then she forwarded me the email she sent to the OM. Her behavior changed a lot in the past few days, but we still don’t talk during the day while we are at work. I don’t call her, she doesn’t call me. Last night she left her cell phone for charging right beside the TV set. Before, I barely saw the cell phone. Should I ask her again if the A is over or just keep going on with plan A?
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Don't ask her whether the affair is over. Ask me. Her answer will be "yes" whether it is over or not. Why would it even occur to you to ask that question? You are falling back into denial.
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OK... but I feel like I will never know whether the A is over or not.
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I don't think that is true. You will know and it will not be on a day that WW is having a good time and acting like her old self. It will be the day that WW crashes and burns. I am quite sure you will know it when it happens.
I may have said this before but I believe that WS's go through the grief process for the loss of the A just like we do after D-day. The advantage we have is that we started that journey long before they did. Go back and look at the stages of grief. Look at WW's behavior. Then try to correlate that behavior against to grief process. It could well be that WW is currently in denial. That is just a theory I have - no solid proof.
You will most definitely know when the A is finally over. Even if there is no contact, the A is not over. It is dying - but not quite dead yet. Even one email or phone call will rekindle that flame.
Just be patient. Things are going the right direction for you. Stay on Plan A.
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"I hear you are asking me how many times do you have to tell me not to talk to your father about your A, is that correct?"
"42." LA, Are you serious or was this just a freak coincidence? Did you realize that "42" is the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything"???? Simply amazing! (BTW - I hope you read Douglas Adams)
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I agree with Traic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
You will know the A is over when you don't see or feel the WS in your presence. Now either your W is a great actress or the WS will have left the building.
What you will find out is the most WS' are NOT great actors. Their ability t/b good is like holding their breathe....they can't do it for long. If they do, their A suffers.....if they don't the BS knows. Either way, they are BUSTED!!!
So pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.
Most WS' set themselves up for failure. It is the BS' job to let them. See it is important to understand you want to WS to die....as a WS.....the one you want back is your W NOT the WS.
See the difference?
Plan A your W and plan B the WS.
L.
Last edited by Orchid; 03/05/06 03:35 AM.
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Excuse me but that is "Traic", not "Triac" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
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Excuse me but that is "Traic", not "Triac" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> oops...sorry.... I fixed it. L.
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I was not really mad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just trying to find what little humor I can these days.
I did change my name from "traicionado" to "Eor". I think Eor is more appropriate and fits better with my level of self-esteem.
The artist formerly known as "traicionado"
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Eor, U r 2 funny. I liked your name, just couldn't spell it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Now what do both names mean? L.
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Traicionado is Spanish for "betrayed"
Eor is the name of the blue donkey in Winnie the Pooh who always says "don't bother about me - nobody ever does".
The artist formerly known as "traicionado"
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I liked your name, just couldn't spell it. That is nothing. You should see all the creative ways ToddAC has developed. Sometimes I think that is all that keeps him going. Well, at least I serve some useful purpose <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am not sure if Eor is my alter-ego or my faltered-ego. Probably the latter. Oh, and adrianc, sun headed your way once again today. I checked weather.com and it looks like there is a pretty strong upper level jet stream across the atlantic. Sun will likely encounter some stiff headwinds so, if it is a couple of minutes late, not to worry, it'll still get there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by traicionado; 03/05/06 04:38 AM.
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