This is somewhat OT, but I've found that a certain co-worker really pushes my buttons and I'm having a hard time being my usual calm, rational self around her.

I can think of 2 reasons for the tension: (1) she has had As and openly discusses why she thinks being an OW is great, etc.; and (2) she is very defensive/argumentative, and is also going out of her way to try to make me look bad because I'm invading her professional territory (she's right on this one, I was hired to help out in her area, and I see it as a joint effort deal, but she sees it as competition that must be squashed).

I don't know why I have developed such a short fuse with her and I think it's because of reason #1. I'm trying hard to develope a good relationship with her, but today I just lost it when she started belittling me in front of other co-workers on a subject that I know much better than her (I've spoken at conferences on this issue, etc). It was like she was screaming "Nev - one plus one equals two!" Then she screamed something that wasn't even correct ".. and two plus two equals five!" I lost it and said a few short words back, but usually I would keep my cool and say something gently at the moment to defend myself and then later in private to let her know that I won't tolerate that. Anyone have any experience with these types of encounters? Is it just that she hits a nerve related to my bad experience as a BS, or what?

thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Um...I'm not the biggest fan in the world of Occam's Razor, but in this case...

You're working with someone who is undercutting you and acting like an all-around...er...canine litter producer; someone who is doing her best to "push your buttons" as you put it, and you don't think your difficulty with her is about that? Isn't that enough?

I learned a phrase which works well in situations like this.
"You may be right". It typically shuts up the "rightfighter" and leaves them believing you caved; however, you know otherwise because they may be wrong too.

I would be upset with someone flaunting affairs too, but don't draw attention to it and she may realize it has no impact.
Or, you could suggest that you have heard of a great counselor who can help people enjoy healthy relationships. (and we know affairs aren't healthy.)

"There's a thought" could alternate with "you may be right". It's neutral and can take any meaning you want, and the listener can put any meaning they want into it.

"There's a thought" - sort of like "There's some lint" or "There's some kitty litter"

The key is to respond, not react.
We all learn these things as we recover, implementing them is more difficult.

Thanks everyone - the phrases are helpful and having a planned response will probably go a long ways towards helping me to respond calmly (instead of reacting).

I'm in an industry which seems to have a higher-than-average concentration of people who are like this woman. I took some pride in being "immune" to the button-pushing, but for some reason this woman gets to me.

Newly - I think you are right - going through the whole BS situation and learning about MB concepts has helped me to deal with some difficult people and situations -- but obviously I'm still learning (and maybe I'm still hurt by reminders of OW/A - type stuff).

thanks everyone

We all have triggers, it is understanding them and managing our actions through which we grow.
Those of us still on the boards typically feel we still have much to learn. Others still have much to give on the boards. This is a great community for growth.

That's a fun one; amazing how widely it can be applied.


Oooooo, nice one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LOL. I have *got* to remember that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Nev,
There is a certain type of person like this that always rings my bell too... I FINALLY learned the personality type is that of my sister's, whose approval I was always seeking. Here's the thing about my sister though (BTW, I'm long over it, and can pick this type of person out and am no longer threatened!)
Usually it IS a woman, but men are not immune, so I'll use the fairer gender. She is usually very strong in her personality and well, she's like me, people tend to gravitate toward her naturally and seem to believe every word that comes out of her mouth. If you look closer, however you will clearly see that she is probably one of the most insecure people you know. The thing that *I* didn't like about it, was that I could see right through her and I didn't think others could. Come to find out, people can and if they don't, soon will. She is the only one making herself look the fool. Try not to get down to her level. What I've figured out is that they start to change when you don't feed on their needs anymore. She thrives and strives to get you to react and everytime you do, you are adding to her control, so steer clear.

I didn't realize I was seeking my sister's approval, but her personality was so strong, I wanted to be like her-when I honestly looked at it. When I stopped wanting her approval, I suddenly and surprisingly had the upper hand (although that wasn't what I was seeking!), and every since I see her differently and even feel a little sad for her. She's much more tolerable, but she hasn't changed a bit, only my reaction has...good luck! Man, I know that is a tough one!

Another few phrases I've learned to use frequently with stupid people are:

"Ya think?"
"Beats watching Leno every night."
"You should write a book about that."
"Life sucks and then you die."

or my Dad's favorite line (no clue where he got it from - but it shocks people into silence)

"16 kids and no papa."

Heck if I know what it means.... lol

Hey Nev,

I agree with Drita.
I would keep my cool and give her her 15 minutes of fame and then carry on as though she isn't there. Since I'm not great with comebacks, I keep silent and my face stays patiently sweet. It'll bite her to bits!

And then come here and vent!!