WH sent a note up when he picked up DS just now:

"Kim,

I would like to talk to you when I drop off DS. If you have The Letter(this was underlined) that I need to sign, please give me a copy of it then also.

WH - How is the letter supposed to be delivered? (to the right person}"

1) He has no idea that he is supposed to write the NC letter to OW. He thinks I have a pre-written form letter.

Text him this:

We have nothing to talk about unless and until you have ended your affair and are committed to repairing our marriage. There is no letter for you to sign, please refer to my letter. Best, Kim

None of my letters have said anything about a No Contact letter. I mentioned it way back to my mediators in Nov/December. At one point I might have told them that sometimes it was hard for a WH to write the letter and that I could help or write it for him.........I don't know how that communicated to WH.

Also in SAA, didn't the Letter get written for the WS in the book?

I do think it needs to come from him, approved by me.

I'll have to go back and look at my last note to him.

Kim

Look folks...this is like war. The battle rages on and on for awhile. And then the enemy asks for a ceasefire. Or the good guys decide to ceasefire and pull into their foxholes (Plan B) and wait to see what the enemy does next. Then from across the field, the enemy signals that they want to talk.

So, what are we to do? Sit there and ignore their request to talk? At some point, we have to approach the enemy to find out what they want. This is what Caren did last night.

In the negotiations, the enemy states that they want to stop fighting. Many times they want to negotiate their surrender. But the good guys state that certain things are not negotiable. That you will accept those things, or we go back to the battle. Other things can be negotiated.

What Caren did was find out what the "enemy" wanted. When the enemy began to talk of surrender, she then began to tell him the terms of that surrender (getting car back, wearing rings, etc). She didnt negotiate...she listed the terms of surrender. In this case, Mark said yes to them. So that means, what does she do?

Well, the key is that Mark is going to have to prove that he is surrendering. The good guys arent just going to jump out of their foxholes now and go running over and give big hugs to the surrendering enemy. Maybe they arent surrendering.

No, the enemy must prove they are surrendering. They must be the ones to come out of their foxholes, lay down their arms and be vulnerable. They have to prove that they are willing to stop the war.

In Mark's case, he will have to do this. How? well, he can get that car situation taken care of. He can write the NC letter and give to Caren to mail. He can agree to go to marriage counseling in order to begin to work thru the issues. And more. Caren knows what she needs for Mark to prove that he is indeed surrendering.

Caren, you should make that list here. Let us help work it out with you. The list should be all of the things that both of you need to do to work back together. List the things he must do before you will leave your foxhole.

You will end up having to present these lovingly. What do I mean by that? Well, if the "victor" in the war uses the surrender to abuse or overly control the one surrendering, then the whole thing could blow up and go right back to where it was or worse. So, Caren...you cant make a whole huge list of demands and stand there with your hands on yoru hips. It just doesnt work that way.

List what things MUST happen before you will begin doing anything on your part.

Then list the things the two of you need to do together before you can both move back in together. And the final list should then be the things the two of you do to move forward.

The first list is non-negotiable. Mark has no say in it at all. The second and third lists should be ones that once Mark does the first, the two of you can sit down and POJA them in order to have both of your needs met and both of you are healed from this (Mark will need things also!!).

This is a good thing, Caren. But only if YOU handle it right. Mark has no clue what to do next. You did well last night. Now, tell him what he has to do to surrender. Then sit down with the man and POJA what needs to be done for there for both of you to feel safe.

What Caren did was find out what the "enemy" wanted. When the enemy began to talk of surrender, she then began to tell him the terms of that surrender (getting car back, wearing rings, etc). She didnt negotiate...she listed the terms of surrender. In this case, Mark said yes to them. So that means, what does she do?

Well, the key is that Mark is going to have to prove that he is surrendering. The good guys arent just going to jump out of their foxholes now and go running over and give big hugs to the surrendering enemy. Maybe they arent surrendering.

No, the enemy must prove they are surrendering. They must be the ones to come out of their foxholes, lay down their arms and be vulnerable. They have to prove that they are willing to stop the war.