I thought I would give a one-week update. I think I may be depressed.

It has been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon. No major events to speak of (maybe a record for me). Earlier in the week I bought WW a dozen roses for no apparent reason. She loved them. Vday came. I bought her a nice V card with a reasonably appropriate sentiment written. I woke her up to give her the card. She seemed to like it. No presents nor flowers though. She called during the day to see if I wanted to go to the horse farm for dinner. We did. After dinner, kids ran off to play so we walked over to see the horse jumping. I had been slightly depressed or sad all day. Guess the thought of Vday in this sitch? I don’t know. I tried my best not to let WW know anything was wrong. We talked a little but not too much. That is the custom these days anyway. Walking over to horse jumping, she took my arm because ground was unsteady. Was a chilly night so I put my arm around her. On the walk back, I took her arm to get across the grass. Once on pavement, I let go – gently of course. I would say I was gentlemanly more than anything else. I had both been sick for several days and I was miserable this day too. I could barely keep my eyes open when we got to bed. Even so, I did not let on that I felt bad. She initiated SF and, after, I just crashed.

Wednesday was busy at work and I was not feeling much better. Still dizzy with a headache. Wednesday night we went to Khobar (the two of us) to buy some rope for a tire swing we wanted to put in our tree for the kids, correct a wrongly directed Western Union we were trying to send to her sister to pay for the DHL of the osito (previous thread) and I had invited her for Philippino food at a restaurant she likes. Walking to the restaurant, she saw a pashmina that she had looked at previously. She said “buy it for me”. I said “no”. While we were eating, conversation was scarce. I felt like I wanted to be somewhere else. We chatted a little but in short sentences. I had invited her to go to Bahrain the next day (yesterday) to get her hair done, eat pork and drink beer to which she had eagerly agreed. During the Philippino food, I asked where she wanted to eat the following day. She couldn’t decide. Said it didn’t matter. My mistake now was asking whether she even wanted to eat at all or just come straight back after hair appointment. She said she didn’t care. It was up to me. I told her that was fine – we would just come straight back. I was angry but I said it calmly anyway. She still knew I was angry. After a few seconds, she said we should stay and eat Mexican food so I said that was fine. The rest of the night was uneventful.

Thursday AM we headed off for Bahrain in the taxi. We had some conversation. Not much. It was comfortable and not unpleasant – even the silence. I occasionally stroked her knee or held her hand but just briefly. I was gentlemanly and polite (or trying). I did not really want to hold her hand but knew if I did not, she would see that as PA behavior. You just have to be so careful about everything you do. Even the things you don’t do are so darn important. Stress. We got to Bahrain about an hour early so bought 0.2 KG of pork and made sandwiches in the taxi. We bought older DD ice skates and younger DD a new bicycle to Bday presents and then rushed to the Ritz for her hair appointment. I left her there and went off on my own for a few things and came back when her appointment was over. Timing worked out very well and her hair looked great. Since Toys R Us is close by, we got some more Bratz presents for DD’s and then rushed off to the restaurant so we would not miss lunch. We both had beer and pork. She was very talkative. She talked almost non-stop with very gently prodding from me. I just kept asking the right question at the right time and off she would go again. I learned a lot about cousins I never knew she had and some more scandals that had never come up before. I swear her family story could be a soap opera but it would never sell to a network because nobody would believe it was real. The whole time she is talking, I am thinking that I am unhappy. I am asking myself if R is what I really want to do. I have been in a depression for a while now and this is one of the results. I am not faltering on diverting from Plan A. I am just losing my motivation – draining my energy reserves. We drove back to Saudi and finished off the night – this time I initiated SF although I didn’t really want to. I felt she would think something was wrong if I had not.

Today I am still in a slump. I am purposely avoiding any real time spent with WW because I have a 24 hour rule about alcohol consumption. I never get into any kind of discussion with WW the following day because I know that alcohol, by itself, is a depressant and I don’t trust my feelings – which depression am I suffering if you know what I mean. Even so, she put the girls to cleaning their room and was yelling at them so much that I had to go outside. I couldn’t listen any more. She was not going over the top so I did not interfere but she was reaching the rim. Finally rooms were clean and kids went out. I came inside and, since it is windy, slightly chilly but otherwise a nice day, I took a pillow and went in the backyard to lay down on the swing and maybe even take a nap. This is in full view of the downstairs of the house so I was in no way hiding. I just felt like being alone but did not want to do so in a way that might be viewed by WW as anger. Before long she came outside saying she had been looking for me. She was tired (sick at stomach, nausea) and wanted to go lie down and take a nap and wanted me to go lie down with her. I asked if I could watch TV to which she said no problem. She just didn’t want to be alone.

We are going in a couple of hours to take DD to try the new ice skates. She needs some makeup. Other than that, it will be a quiet afternoon.

Okay, that is about where we are. WW has still never said she is committed to R. I have no evidence she has broken NC in two weeks. I also am not looking. I am going out of my way to not catch her. Even so, I do believe she has not called OM. All she has said to me is that she will let me know how she feels at the end of February. I don’t think she will decide to pack and leave but I still have the possibility in mind because she has never said she is going to stay. I think maybe that is what is depressing me – the fact that no decision has ever been made one way or the other and I feel like I am being blackmailed emotionally. My instinct is that it is just her form of leverage. I hold almost all the cards at the table and I am looking at a straight flush. She holds very few cards and lately I am beginning to wonder if it might not be a good idea to empower WW just a tad so she did not feel helpless and alone. I was beginning this discussion with ToddAC but we had to put that on hold.

All I know is things are going smoothly, I think NC is still intact for the past two weeks, we have had no more crises, no more ultimatums and I am unhappy. I guess I will just keep slogging on carrying on for the two of us. I am thinking about trying to get into IC now. Maybe that is what I need. I don’t know. I feel emotionally detached from WW. I love her – but can live without her. I still want R. I still want a happy marriage and family. I am also willing to forego it. I am not apathetic – I am just tired I guess. Maybe it is depression? I don’t know…

And that’s the story from my home town – where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking and all the children are above average…..

tracionado, it sounds like you are doing as well as you can under the circumstances. I went back and read some of your original posts, and you have certainly had a lot to deal with. I commend you for staying in your M and giving your FWW another chance. I wish you strength in your R.

It must be very interesting living where you do....and perhaps a bit isolating for your W? I'm only guessing about that part, I've never been to the middle east, let alone lived there.

I hope that your daughter enjoys the skates. Skating was a big part of my life, and I learned a lot from the sport that I can apply at this point in my life. Such as: When you fall down, you get right back up again and continue the program. The next jump you do is the most important one.

Take care.

Just got back from skating. I was so proud of DD. She watches "the Ice Princess" non-stop. All the kids were amazed by her white skates. She skated great. I think it was well worth it considering she will probably only skate in them four or five more times before she outgrows them and it is off to buy new skates.

We have lived in the ME for 7 years. Dubai, then Muscat, then back to Dubai and now Saudi. WW loved the other places. She complains that she is alone here. It is a mental prision she has created for herself. She is justifying her unhappiness, reinventing history. Many people love this place. Some have worked here 35 years. No longer need the money but this is ther home. Kids grow up here, go to college and come back. Home is what you make of it. I don't have much sympathy for WW on the loneliness. She could just as easily live in Mexico City and be lonely. Her family is here. She forgot that (or maybe never understood it). There are plenty of Latinas around. She is outgoing and makes friends easily. She just won't do it here. Her loneliness is largely her own invention. She gets no sympathy from me.

The biggest differences in Saudi are: she cannot drive outside camp, she has to wear an abaya (the black thing) over her clothes outside the camp - well technically all she has to put on are loose fitting clothes that cover to the feet and hands but she has no loose fitting clothes, there is no pork, no alcohol (at least not LEGAL) and we have to organize our lives around prayer times and those change every day as days get longer or shorter so we have to keep a calendar. That last one annoys me too.

The other ones that annoy me are the 10 items or less/cash only lanes are useless because apparently Saudi women can't read Arabic. If you have a traffic accident with a Saudi, it is, by definition, your fault and if you are second in line in the queue, you will be lucky to be the 15th served because of all the Saudi women who push in front of you (and the men aren't that much better).

It sounds good to me. Just hang in there. I think the fact that SF is still happening is very promising. Often that is missing, because the WS refuses, or the BS is hurt.

"Just hang in there" - yes that is what it seems to be about these days. This morning I got up and was just thinking. What I thought about was how I hoped today would be the day that WW would tell me she had decided to leave. Don't worry - I won't start anything. My situation is not unpleasant - it is just "empty". I feel like this is the best we are ever going to have. WW will always blame me for ruining her A. She will never see that the A was a bad choice. She will always blame me for causing her A. She will always be sad that she lost her soul mate and secretly pine away for him a little each day.

I guess deep down I always hoped that some day she would "come back to reality". Right now I don't feel like she ever will - that, if we stay together, I will just have to accept this for what it is. At this moment, I feel like WW is simply beyond hope.

It takes awhile for them to come around, but she will. Then you will have to deal with her guilt and regret. Fun, huh?

Have I mentioned you are a rock? I guess I just feel so alone. Not feeling sorry for myself - just tired. But, as I said, I am not giving up and will stay on Plan A.

When we left skating yesterday, WW was walking with DD's - holding each one's hand. I was slightly behind. That was purely logistics. You have no idea what it is like trying to walk through a popular Dhahran shopping mall on a weekend night. There are enough UFO's (Unidentified Female Objects aka those black moving things) to make your head spin and it is like one of those old "driving" video games where you have to swerve left and right to keep from hitting things. Anyway, I was watching WW walking with the DD's and thinking - that is why I am doing this.

On the other hand, I am coming to the conclusion that I may never be happy again. WW simply shows no signs of movement. I still have 10 more days to wait to see if she has decided to leave or will stick it out a little longer.

Once the OM is out of the picture, the battle is almost won. All you have to do is not LB and meet her needs the best that you can.

And this is true whether they voluntarily give up OM or if they do because of Plan B, or if it is forced in some other manner.

tracionado, I didn't mean to suggest that your W's perceived loneliness was an excuse for an A. I commend you for staying strong during what has to be an excruciating time.

Oh, and what believer said about guilt and regret? Most definitely. Sooner or later she is going to be filled with nothing but. That is very hard.

It is just my opinion, but there is a thread going on in Recovery that talks about how the BS has to stay strong throughout the entire ordeal. How important it is to exercise, eat right, all that jazz. Because stress does quite a number on the body.

Remember to take care of yourself, too, tracionado.

penaltykill,

Now you misunderstand me. I was not being defensive - you made a comment about how you felt she might feel and I have heard her say the same thing. I was really hoping to get more out of you in terms of discussion but never an apology.

Whether or not she is lonely, she thinks she is lonely and that is all that matters. Perception is everything. I am just wondering if she is truly lonely here in Saudi or if she is just lonely because she cannot see OM everyday. I am also wondering if she would even be able to differentiate between the two. She has ample opportunity not to be lonely here if she chooses. What I see right now is that she is enforcing her own lonliness or, at least, reinforcing it. No I don't think that is what caused the affair. My vote is still on MLC. Her birthday was traumatic for her. She is suddenly afraid of getting old. That is my pet theory. I don't dwell on it too much because I don't see it as relevant at the moment. It may become important later if we enter recovery. The damage is done. Right now I am focusing on Plan A.

I am concerned that she may feel painted into a corner. Maybe that is good for R or bad for R. I don't have any idea. I hold all the good cards and sometimes I feel maybe I hold too many.

No don't apologize. No need.

Oh, I run. It is about 6K around the jebels which is a normal run. If I add the golf course, it is about 11K. I lift weights every day. No beer here in Saudi (heavy sigh). I eat so healthily it drives WW crazy. I don't sleep all that well. That is my fatal flaw.

Traicionado,

Six months after my H's A, we moved to another country. I am very used to moving every so often and have no problem making friends and adapting to the new environments and cultures. But this last trip was different. I refused to make friends with anyone or get myself involved in any activities for a whole year. This was because I wasn't sure I was staying, so I didn't want to have any ties, to make it easier in case I decided to leave. I realize this is a different situation than the one your WW is in, but when I read what you wrote I thought that maybe her motivation is the same, she might not want to form attachments in case she decides to leave. Just a thought.

"I am concerned that she may feel painted into a corner... I hold all the good cards and sometimes I feel maybe I hold too many."

I have been reading your posts and from the beginning I was thinking the same thing. I don't know why I have the impression that you are much more intelligent than your WW and she feels inferior to you, which might have been a reason for the A. According to my WH, one of the things he found more appealing in the OW was that she was easy to manipulate (I am not) and he could play mental games with her. He felt superior with her. I might be completely wrong here, but I am telling you just in case it might be helpful to you.

You have a long road ahead of you, and you and your WW are going to go through all kinds of emotions and feelings at different times. Be patient, it gets better slowly, very slowly.

Jebels? What are jebels? I love new words.

Tracionado, I guess I'm just a little gun-shy after the latest thread. I feel that my words get misconstrued and I don't want to tick anyone off. As far as perception is everything? You are dead-on. I live by those words.

The not sleeping thing is tough. My H takes ambien - (1/2 an ambien) plenty of nights. I fear he is becoming habituated to them because he says they're not working so well now. In the early stages of R, he was also getting sick to his stomach and barely sleeping at all. He lost 15 lbs - but actually he is very much on the upswing physically and looks so handsome. He's been very active in his college sport, and that has helped him immensely. I am glad that you are finding ways to blow off steam. It's so important.

It does sound to me like a MLC for your W. It sounds like you have a good grasp of her weaknesses. Getting old is tough for a woman, I think particularly for a good-looking one. Suddenly the cards you hold in life appear to go from being a royal straight flush to a pair of jacks....okay, maybe two pair on a good day.

Your W needs to be vigilant and maintain NC. Her feelings will pass, I *really* believe this. When I broke off w/OM, I remember thinking at first that I missed his emails (I keep telling my H, that was the part I liked best. He was very intelligent and well-written. He enjoyed my sense of humor and complimented my intelligence. I was a sucka).

So, what to do about missing email contact?

I blocked his email address. Left my email open on the browser. Told my H my email password. Voila. Very soon, I stopped missing his emails and started being appreciative for not having to experience the following scenario: I am driving off somewhere and all of a sudden I think - AAAHHH I might have left my email open on the computer! AAAHHH My H or children might read something incriminating. Double back and go home, check computer. Heart pounding. Hoo boy. I *so* did not enjoy many things about my A. The secrecy was killing me.

Before long, I started to appreciate the things I should have been appreciating all along.

Now that my H knows, and has elected to stay with me and work on our M, I love him more. He says he lives with less, but in time he feels he may come around.

You sound like such a good strong person which is why I had to respond to your post. Plus, you referenced Garrison Keillor, one of my faves. You have to stay strong, although it will be hard. There are so many stories on here of spouses who came around to their senses after the A and after the withdrawal. You and your W have a life together, children. She will always grow old, which she must accept (what helped me to accept it was to see my BIL die of a massive heart attack at age 49. Aging is always better than the alternative)

Take care.

Okay, so any ideas on "empowering" the WW? How can I deal her a better hand? Initially I felt the balance of power going back and forth like a tug-of-war. Once I came to certain realizations, I got hold and never let go. I actually feel sorry for WW in this regard. If I should deal her a few face cards, how do I do it?

WW inferior to me? I am not worthy to wash her feet. She is an amazing woman.

(Jebels are mountains but that can be a relative term so, in this case, are the rocky hilly waste area on the far end of camp)

traicionado,

It's not about reality, it's about perception.

Penaltykill - Please, please don't be gunshy. You can probably help like few others here. Forget what happened in the past, and continue on. Blessings to you and your family.

I think Lealas has a point. You are obviously very intelligent. You are good at your job, and also the other side of your brain works great.

I was reading about your explanation of learning a language, and it was so perfect. I've been learning Spanish to talk to my roommates. Originally, I was going to teach them English. But it turned out I learned Spanish. We listen to Spanish TV and radio, and now I can understand almost everything. The speaking part was just like you explained. But I never consciously thought about it.

So, Lealas, what should he do?

believer,

Hopefully, there are things that his wife does better than him. He should frequently praise her for how well she does them, even point out how much better than him she is at them. He shouldn't be condescending (traicionado, I am not saying you do this, I am just talking in general), he shouldn't boast about his abilities or accomplishments or career. He should get her to think she is important and what she does is important and appreciated. If she does something wrong, he should minimize it the best he can. Let her think that she has some power.

Like I said before, it is all about perception.

BTW, my first language is Spanish (I am from Spain).

traicionado,

You know how to deal face cards to your WW. If you have painted her into the corner, let her know the paint is dry and she can move away from the corner. You signed up for Plan A, right? Stay on the train. Don't be judgmental. Avoid confrontations. Be consistent. You know the drill. I am repeating what you have said to me ten times. I know it is good advice. OK, how do you pull yourself out of the depression? Not by self-analysis. Just pull yourself out of it. It starts with your thoughts. Be positive. Pretend to have conversational interest with your WW. Talk with her, not to her. She sees you going off to work five days a week. You get to take your mind off everything. What is her outlet? OK, she is an extrovert and could easily meet other Latinas. Maybe she feels shame. Maybe she feels like everyone knows about her A. I don’t know. Maybe she can volunteer at your DD’s school. If she gets busy, she will heal faster, I predict.

“WW has still never said she is committed to R”.

I will repeat the jest of my theme to you this month. You hate useless repetition, I know that. Please consider that perhaps the repetition is not useless. So, here goes: forget words, forget reading body language, and forget trying to read her mood or her mind. The strongest communication your WW can give to you is what she is doing – her actions. Understand and accept that non-verbal communications can be more telling and dramatic than verbal communications. Your WW is still with you and DD. She has not left. This says loudly and clearly that she is committed to R. I don’t believe she will leave. Her feelings for the OM are subsiding, witnessed by the fact of NC in two weeks. Strong communications. Don’t overanalyze. A wise man told me that not very long ago… I listened to him. You should do likewise. Accept that progress with your relationship is sometimes marking time or standing still. It’s all part and parcel of the process. It will be not be steady progress from here out. It is not a linear curve. It is an exponential curve replete with nasty S curves.

Be indifferent, but don’t let your WW see your indifference. Indifference to you is a safety valve. Indifference to WW confuses her. How can she commit if you don’t. You need to be consistent at all costs. Now, climb back aboard the “A” train and get back to work.

ToddAC,

Now that I look back, I think it was you that put me into a depression (and I am not joking). I am glad you are up and around. I have felt much better this evening since I found out you were still kicking. Unfortunately I now find you are still kicking me. Oh well, I can take it. Glad your back.

Good points, Lealas.

Traicionado - Todd is correct. Words mean nothing. My WH told me all of the time that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He took no actions, but I believed his words.