Good Morning,

How is everybody this morning? I hope everyone is feeling better everyday.

I am off work today. Got to clean house because the realtor is having an open house on Sunday. I don't mind too bad, except for cleaning my shower, I hate that.

I had, what is becoming a usual night of sleep. Sleep good for a couple of hours, wake up from a bad dream and think about STBXW for a couple, and go back to sleep until the alarm goes off. I always wake up in a good mood, but soon I always start feeling sad. I'm so tired of this. I miss her so badly, my wife that is, not the alien.

If I can talk to you guys, I usually start feeling better, knowing I'm not alone in this insanity.

Tired41

Morning All,
I had a decent sleep I guess. Woke at 2:30, went back to sleep - woke at 5 am, dozed off and then my son came in at 6:20! aggh! So I have been awake since then and we're heading out to Target in a bit. I am having dinner tonight w/a friend - looking forward to that alot. Not looking forward to tomorrow and seeing WH in the morning. I have plans every day thru Tuesday, so at least I am keeping busy.

I just keep wishing for some miracle & that my husband will just snap out of it and realize what he is doing. I want my family back so badly it hurts. I want my future back. I miss the man he used to be. God give us all strength to make it thru each day.

Hope you all have a nice Friday. Chins up!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm here Tired. I just posted a really long one on yesterday's thread. I hate when I do that. Start out as something short and I just can't quit typing. And I need to start typing in paragraphs. Reading those long ones are hard, all the words just seem to run together.

So you have a day off? In a way that sounds good. But if I had a day off then I'd end up cleaning house (which it needs it so bad) and thinking of my misery at the same time. Boy, don't that sound like fun?

My sleep is broken up also, I mentioned this in my "novel" that posted a few minutes ago. I take something to help me sleep, but I wake up several times a night, reaching to make sure he's still there. I dread it when I wake up to reach, and he's not there.

I woke up in a bad mood this morning. I usually wake up in a good mood, and like you start feeling sad. I try to pretend here at work that I'm ok. They all know that I'm going thru a D, and they are very supportive of me which is good. I'm the only woman here amongst nine other men. They ask me often how things are going at home. I don't know what to say, they are going well. Right now. I know they are confused. H brings me lunch occasionally, and they here me on the phone tell my H I love him (he still tells me he loves me before we wake up). So I'm sure they are a little confused.

I too hate cleaning my shower. With a passion. I don't enjoy cleaning whatsoever, but the shower I hate.

Try to have a good day. I know your mind when wander off on a tangent while your cleaning. Stop, breathe and pray. And post us a message, we're there for you!

Hi Thankful! I hope your day goes well too. It's funny, my children will sleep late every day throughout the week. Come Sat morning though, they're up at the a** crack of dawn. Makes me so mad.

It's ok to keep wishing for that miracle. I don't mean to give you false hope, but it actually could happen. I don't have much hope. But I will not give up and stop praying for that miracle. I keep thinking that God knows how much I love this man...surely he will not let that go to waste.

Ok, so I've went to being in a terrible mood to ok there's still hope. I'm seriously thinking about going to the Dr. to get some AD. Have any of you had to do that? I really don't want to. Before, I had always thought that people who were on AD's were really sick, mentally ill people. I have quickly changed my mind about that. I was on AD shortly after the birth of my first son, but I didn't like them. Made me feel funny all the time, like...everything was a dream. My vision was funny. it's hard to explain. I stopped taking them.

I keep thinking that I can do this on my own but I'm starting to wonder. The anxiety attacks is what bothers me the most. Can't breathe, can't focus. Feel like I'm trapped.

Man, there are some really wierd people coming in here (to work) today.

Anyway, keep posting. You guys are a big help to me throughout the day. I hope I have the same effect for you guys. Praying for you!

Thankful, It's good that you've got plans all through the weekend. I need to try to make some myself. I tend to go into my shell and be alone too much. I do have plans for my SS to come visit me on Monday, which will be great. He and I really care for each other, so I can't wait to see him, regardless of what his mother has done to us. He is 14 and a great kid. His first thoughts when I told him that we were getting a D was concern for me being alone and sad. I wish his mother had just a little bit of the heart and love that he has. I too want my family back badly. It seems so weird and scary to start planning a life without them.

Soon, please don't apologize for a long post. Just let it all out. I read every word and feel the things that you are writing. All the people at my work know what I'm going through and have been very supportive. They also know STBXW and have seen us together for many years, so they all knew how much I worshipped her. I have always told them the truth about everything. I am so sick of lies and evading the truth, I let it all out. This made STBXW very angry, but this was all her choice so she can deal with it.

I appreciate each of you very much, and hope that you will lean on me as I am leaning on you. I thank God for my friends on MB.

Talk to you later.

Tired41

I just broke down an send a text message to my STBXW. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did anyway, even though I knew what would happen. Here is what I sent:

ME: "Sweetheart, I'm sick of all of this. Isn't there anyway that we can work this out without busting up our family? I just don't enjoy living without you and DSS around. I'm sorry for saying this but that's how I feel."

STBXW: "I wish I felt the way you do, but I just don't. I hate to be cruel, but I can't help how I feel. I'm sorry."

Me: "I don't know what else to say, except I love you!"

STBXW: "I know. I really do and don't deserve it."

Now I really feel like crap. I should have asked opinions on here before I did this, but I am so tired of all of this. We've been separated for over a month and the reality of it all is my family is gone, forever. I'm trying to face that but it hurts so bad. God, I love her so much and shouldn't that count for anything, shouldn't she feel how deep this is and know all the pain that I been through and still love her? Isn't it special?

Sorry for crying on your shoulders. I'm just so sad right now.

Tired

DONT APOLOGIZE!!! You feel free to cry all you want. I'm sorry about the text msg. You want to do all you can to get him back, but when you get rejected it hurts more and more each time. I know the feeling. I want so much to just say to my H, "what are we doing? Cant you see how good we are together? Lets work on this for a while". But I'm too scared to. I'm afraid of getting hurt more.

I don't know whats worse, not being around her and then spilling your guts, you get brutal honesty rejection and hurt terribly.

Or my situation: Still living with him, getting along great, saying and hearing I miss you's and I love you's, me spilling my guts and still getting 1/2 rejected, 1/2 fence sitting.

I guess one is about as bad as the other.

Do you wish now that you wouldn't have sent him the message? I don't know what I would have told you even if you did ask opinions on whether you should do it or not. I don't like to see people set themselves up for more hurt, but at the same time I'm not for giving up either.

I guess we have to realize that at this point, all the love in the world is not going to MAKE them change their minds. They have to make that decision.

I'm sorry but I haven't read any posts on your whole story. What was her reason/excuse for finding someone else? Unless you don't want to talk about it. I'll fully understand.

H just called here at work wanting to bring me lunch today. I told him no becuase we had someone bringing us pizza. I couldn't really talk cause I had a customer standing there and I was being kinda short I guess, not very talkative, and he asked me why I was being so short, I told him why and then asked if I could call him back and he acted like it upset him. He said "I love you...BYE" really harsh and short. Those dam*** aliens.

Thanks Soon,

Her excuse for finding another man was that she lost her feelings for me and needed a friend to talk to. We were happily married for 5.5 years, but she starting changing last May. I do have cards and letters from her from as late as last year where she tells me she loves me with all her heart, but once I found out about OM, then she started saying that she has lost her feelings. At the very least I have some finality to all this. She is not coming back! It hurts bad, but maybe there's no way to go but up.

I lived through several months of fence sitting and cake eating with her at home. That was hard too. Seems like the rollercoaster ride was worse during that time, but at least there was some hope. I honestly don't know which is worse. Both ways suck. Maybe our spouses just don't know what it means to love somebody other that themselves. I would never have put her through this.

Tired41

My H just stopped in here at work to see me. I wish he wouldn't do that. I don't know why he does it. All it does is upset me. I mean I don't start crying or anything but, today he acted like something was bothering him and he just says nothing is wrong. We don't really say much when he stops in. If I ask him why he comes he just says "well I thought I'd stop in to see you"...BUT WHY? He keeps calling me when he's on the road when a certain song comes on to tell me that the song reminds him of me. The song says "I can't believe how much it turns me on just to be your man". WHY? There's this song (country) and I haven't listened to the whole song. I only know the chorus and it reminds me of my H it says "why does it always come down to me leaving before I say I love you".

I don't know who's crazier, us or the aliens. It's all crazy.

All I can do is do my best to prove my love. Hope that the Lord puts it in his heart to work on this. If it doesn't I can't do a thing about it. But learn.

Our situations have to make us stronger people. They have to. Maybe not now, I am very weak now. But surely in the end we will be stronger people.

Oh - I'm sorry. I know how that feels, it's like you can't control your impulse and just have to do what's right for you! I read scores of stories of people doing the perfect plan B - never was good at that..always wanted to be "authentic" and reach out.

Well my day is pretty awful also. Got a notice from the realtor. There is a problem with selling the house - a structural issue which is going to cost lots of money. H is going to freak out.

And my psycho boss just hung up on me! Very respectful and professional behavior....whew!

What's wierd is that H has said to me "what are we doing", and "do we really want to do this", and I always say no I don't want a divorce. But then he continues the process toward divorce. He is stubborn and wants to punish me.

I had coffee with a beautiful 80 year old retired dancer yesterday. She said the key to a happy life requires only two things: gratitude and forgivness..

Well Tired, Thankful, Soon...we have made it this far. We can go the distance. Let's all visualize a happy future. WE WILL NOT let this event be the defining moment of our lives and pull us into a spiral of depression. Time WILL heal us.

cis

I think I'm going crazy. Really. No one answered my question from earlier about AD's. Have any of you "had" to turn to them for help?

Hopeful: I think your H and mine are kin somehow. My H somehow thinks I need to be punished too. He says that there is just no way he can get over it. Just no way. Many people have said on here that there are some people who just simply cannot heal. I don't know if I believe that. I honestly think that if people put Chirst first, and hand it all over to him instead of trying to contol it themselves then it can be done.

Time will heal us. I just wish somebody would move the hands up on the clock.

It's getting closer to five. No plans for this weekend. I wish it would snow, but no chance of that. It'll just get colder than a well diggers a** and probably rain.

I hope everyone is feeling better. Sis, Thankful and Tired lets try our best to believe in what (sis) just posted at the end. We can go the distance, visualize a happy future. I am proud that you are being positive sis. I have positive moments, but they soon fade.

Soon - yes I'm on ADs - they are a big help. Talk with your doctor. I'm probably be on them for a very long while. A side benefit is that it helps my public speaking!

Cis

Do they make you sleepy at all?

Soon, I seriously do not know how you function with what your H is doing to you. He isn't being fair with the way he behaves. I must admit that I am a little jealous b/c at least he still shows affection and feelings for you. The last time my husband said he loved me was on January 18th. Just yesterday he started crying and said "You do know that I did always love you, right?" I hate this, I hate this is happening to me, him and my family. Sometimes I feel so strong and other times so weak and worthless.

Why can't he miss me?? I have this little "daydream" and it goes like this: I get a text message from him that says "I miss you...I miss everything about you...I want to come home" God, I would the happiest woman on this earth and I would do everything possible to make up for what was wrong in our relationship. This is SO not worth throwing our family and future away for. I can't sit here and watch him make this mistake. But what else can I do? I have tried everything. I keep asking God, please work in him, please bring him back home to us. This just hurts SO bad.

It's so nice being able to vent with you guys. I appreciate it so much.

I am glad I have dinner to look forward to tonight. Yummy dinner and a few glasses of wine.

If I don't post again, you all have a good evening.

Don't be jealous. Sure, he's telling me all these things, but at the same time doesn't really want me. Hangs out with his "co-workers". Gets late night phone calls and voice mails from them. So don't be jealous. He's just using me. Confusing me and giving me false hope. I hope I'm wrong and that he misses me when I'm gone. But I honestly don't think he'll miss me enough. He'll miss being spoiled, but that's it. He's got too many distractions (women, parents and his brothers and sister in laws) to keep his mind busy. I just want to choke two of the women he works with. One was one he had the A with. The other is the one who keeps calling his cell, the other day I called for him at work and she answered his phone. I asked if he was busy and she said no, and she just sat there. I said "may I speak to him please" and she was like UMMMM, wellllll, and then she put me on hold. When H got on the phone I said "she acted like she didn't want me to talk to you"....after I seen the late night call and him telling me she wanted him to go out (with her and pete, im sure pete wasn't even there) know I know why she acted that way.

no the ADs I take do not make me sleepy. It's very subtle -just takes away the butterflies and the feeling like you're going to break into a million pieces...

Sis, is it this weekend that your H has asked you to come over and stay? Have you thought any more about it?

If ya'll don't hear from me again today, I hope each and every one of you have a wonderful weekend. Try to relax and not think about how hard these times are. Pray that our Saviour will heal us and make us stronger than before.

And let us pray for our spouses to....I sometimes think they need it worse than us. They just don't realize it.

Be careful and live for yourself this weekend. If you have questions...just do what you feel is right in your heart.

I love yall and I'll be thinking about you.

I will probably check back for more posts before I go home though.

well he asked me to come last Sunday, but I asked for a rain check. I'm just going to play it by ear. I do need to go over, I need to pick up some more stuff, and hopefully start clearing stuff out of the house. We need to start working on finances and everything is at the house (I left and took hardly anything).

I'll hold good thoughts for us all. We must stay very very busy, there are lots of things to do, and of course there is always volunteer work. Old folks, children who need extra help etc.

I'll be around this weekend and checking in...

God Bless,
Cis

Hey all, I survived the day so far. Lots of tears at times, just come rolling out when a memory comes to me. I'm on AD's also, but I have cried right through them today.

I did go get my STBX Stepson for lunch today. We had a good time and come back to my house to play video games. I held everything together while he was with me, but it all came pouring out after I took him home. I miss him as much as my WW.

I hope each of you have a good weekend. You are all great people, we've just got to deal with this sickness in our lives right now. I am praying for all of us.

Tired41