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Joined: Mar 1999
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I'm starting a new thread for you, your own thread, so we can address your situation and get individual advice and support for you!

Your story as you posted-------

Wow! I read your story and thought I was writing mine! Very similar. My wife just told me 3 days ago that she had an affair. It started 2 years ago and she is just telling me know, as part of some "clearing" she's doing. She wants to work things out but I can't even fathom the possibility of that at this stage.

Her affair was both sexual and emotional. She told me she slept with him 3 times. But I used my detective skills and found all his previous/ past phone numbers and searched her cell phone bills. It turns out she talked with him every day for 4 months and has had contact with him up until last December.

Now I've read on this website that most affairs are kept secret. Well, the affair was kept secret but he wasn't. I knew she was meeting with him, but as Dr.Harley says, I shouldn't have completely trusted her as I did. They were taking a self-employment program together. She was helping him with his work. He even came over and helped put in a storage cabinet at our house! I even talked with him on a few occasions. As I write this I think how could I have been so blind! I obviously wasn't meeting her needs. How could she so blatantly put him in my face and my life as a "friend" of hers when they were clearly more.........

I am struggling to cope. I told myself when I got married that this was a commitment that I would not break it with infidelity on my part. If I felt that way I would work it out or leave the marriage. I also told myself I would never accept it, for whatever reason. I never in a million year believed it would happen. We were supposed to be soulmates, evn though we had our intimacy problems that we, obviously, failed to improve upon.

We have a 4 year old and a 6 year old. We already had plans in the works to move to another city.

I need some suggestions from those that have been through something similar. Right now I am going through all those highs and lows. I want to be with her, and she does with me, but don't know if I'll ever get over this.....

_____________________________________________________

First, welcome to Marriage Builders. Not a fun place to fidn yourself but a great site with lots of advice, suggestions and support!

Please read all parts of this site, from home page to the forums. Pay attention to the top three "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. It will give you lots of help and links for finding your way around the site and to help you understand the replies you will receive. Also, don't be afraid to post in other forums too for added replies and suggestions. MB is usually kinda slow on the weekends and General Questions Forum has alot more traffic.

Can you get past this? Yes, but it's going to take alot of very hard work for BOTH of you.

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Thank you for the "move"! My head was so messed up I didn't realize it when I wasn't responding to asterix and should have been starting my own thread (or should have been supporting him!). I have taken your suggestions and have also been doing a lot of reading. Things gave been better.

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I am sorry for your pain and of course only you can decide what you are willing to accept. I doubt that she is telling you the whole truth and most probably it happened a lot more than 3 times since the timeline of the affair was so long. The affair, betrayal and lies continued for two years which indicates that apparently she did not have much of a problem lying to you time and again. I think it is absolutely horrible that she virtually shoved this OM in your face inviting him over your house and letting him work on projects for you. It is such a humiliating betrayal that she engaged in toward you and for such a long time. I wonder how your wife would be reacting if the roles had been reversed. In addition to the fact that she put your health at risk for STD's. I do hope both of you immediately get tested for STD's. To have continued this for such a long period must make you re-evaluate you these last two years of your marriage (ie. anniversaries etc.).

I would strongly suggest counseling if you decide to continue in the relationship. The fact that she knew how you felt about adultry beforehand and to keep it up for 2 years indicates that she was not particularly worried that she was risking her marriage and hurting you in the worst possible way.
Something does not seem quite right about all of this. Whatever you decide I wish you luck.

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Bryanp, thank you. My W and I discussed many of the issues you brought up over this past weekend. The subject of the number of times came up frequently and she assures me it was just 3, which were at the beginning. After that she ended the physical relationship and continued the emotional one. My W has always had male friends. One thing we discussed over hte weekend (thanks to this website!!!) was the why. I told her about The Love Bank and the fact that she was continually getting hers filled by other men - not realizing that THAT was the underlying cause! She didn't give me a chance because she seeked this fulfillment from others. She wanted it from me but was hostile about it. "you don't _________" is how most converstions about her needs started.

No one in the world would describe her as a flirt and no one would even think that we would be in trouble because of her friendships with men. She realized that other men and the OM made her feel special, beautiful, talented, wonderful. All of which I know I wasn't doing even a satisfactory job. When she was growing up, her older brother molested her on occassion and her father did not pay attention to her. Thereafter she has always seeked for men to make her feel special.

When the OM was around me, their relationship was apparently emotional. They would talk because he was having relationship troubles as well. Now she honestly felt he was just another male friend (don't get me wrong, I'm using her language here and it is difficult for me to understand this as well). Sure, she knew it was still wrong but it wasn't physical anymore so in her mind ok.

When we first started discussing it on the weekend, I said that there was a slim to none chance of this working out. How could I get so screwed over? How could I be so blind? How could she throw it all away? Now here's where I haven't found alot of info on and maybe others can shed some light/ help:

She has in no way become angry or defensive in my questioning. She has said she will do anything to keep me forever. She sobs profusely when discussing how it hurts her to know how much she's hurt me. She realizes that she never let me be 'the man' and now wants to learn. She was perfectly willing to let it go either way, let me have main custody of the kids, and keep the house. The OM is nowhere in the picture and she never once thought to leave for him.

I feel as though the way that things are moving - so positively and in the "saving our marriage' direction - it is too good to be true.

Sorry, it seems I am all over the place here with this post......

PS Bryanp,
she assures me she used a condom. The OM is still with his SO at the time, and my W assures STD risk is not a concern.

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Hello,

It sounds like there has been some very positive steps and I am happy for you. There are a couple of things I must point out. First, your wife's comment that you do not have to worry about STD's because she claimed to have used a condom is simply ludicrous. There are many STD's that can be transmitted even though a condom is used. In fact, HIV is an example of one. Please contact your local public health agency and they will tell you an earfull. Condoms are better than nothing but it is still very risky. You would have to be crazy not to be tested. Oh by the way, there was a poster a long time ago who wrecked her marriage because she engaged in oral sex during her one night stand and caught gonorrhea. In short, in addition to intercouse any type of oral sex puts you at risk for STD's and most people do use protection during these types of acts.

Again her rational that she slept with him only three times so it was acceptable after that to have him egage with you socially after that since he was now supposedly just a friend seems delusional at best. Her rationalizations are just that: rationalizations. It is essential that you get involved in marriage counseling. She seems to want to sweep it away and say she just had sex with him a few times so its not that big of a deal since it was mostly emotional. She needs to understand why she did this and why she felt here marriage would be safe if and when you found out. Counseling is a must for her to understand why she crossed the line and how to make sure it will not happen again.

Please call your local public health establishment and they will confirm what I have told you about condoms and why both of you are at risk. In addition, I think it is also important that you contact the OM's significant other. This is critical because first she has a right to know. Wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you? Second, by not saying anything you have sent the OM a message that it is acceptable to screw another man's wife and humiliate her husband without any consequences. I wish you luck.

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Justjilted,
Please read all of the MB principles.
Read the book Surviving the Affair.
You and you wife can recover your marriage.
Please read up on the FWWs posts on the JFO and the GQII. There is a thread right now that Believer started on you recover the M what do you have. You will see some wonder FWWs there that can tell you about your FWW, and offer support and maybe throw you a lifeline and reality that your marriage can not only be saved but a much better one.

All BS think like you do right now. That is part of a process that if you can just hold on for a little while you will see wonderful changes. It will take both of you.
On your wife, she sounds remorseful and ready to recommit to you IMHO.
Please check out the site on the A, and read the book. Ask some FWWs some questions and BSs too. Those men whose wives went outside the marriage can let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
JE

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Thanks Bryanp. I will check into the health clinic and we are definitely going to seek counselling. I told my W already that "I can't be sure you are 'for real' until you get some counselling". In no way do we see this as said and done. We have promised each other to connect every day, to discuss whatever comes to mind as soon as it come up.

As far as your comment on contacting the OM and the OMW. Could this not lead to some consequences that could affect my family i.e. one of them goes into a rage against any of us?

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Hello again,

If you read the principles of marriagebuilders it is strongly advised that all affairs be exposed to the betrayed spouses. First, because it is only right that the betrayed spouse be informed so they can be make informed decisions on how they wish to proceed in their marriage. Second, it is almost a guarantee that the affair will not start up again because there are now two people watching closely what their spouses are doing. Thirdly, it sends a message to all cheating spouses that there are consequences to their actions. Otherwise the message is sent to them to continue what they are doing with other married people in the future because the betrayed spouses are too embarassed to say anything to them. If the person is a crazed lunatic and your feel your life is in danger then of course use common sense. The vast majority of times it is stronly recommended to inform the betrayed spouse. This makes it harder for the cheating to continue in the future and it forces the cheating spouse to face up to what they have done to innocent people who were hurt by their actions. I wish you luck.

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JJD, welcome to Marriagebuilders.com. You've suffered the worst shock a marriage partner can absorb and you have my, and everyone else's, complete sympathy. We are here to help. In fact, MB exists only to help you get your marriage back on track. With a remorseful wayward wife who is willing to work on the marriage, you are advanced beyond what many people are when they come here. You have a huge advantage they do not.

Please take a moment to order the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley so you can get in-depth knowledge about the things you need to do to repair your marriage. Second, you and your wife need to know more about friends of the opposite sex outside the marriage. That subject is covered very well in Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. Both books are often available on Half.com for much less than retail cost. I suggest you order both and expedite delivery.

Now...the most important thing you can do immediately is to calm yourself. It isn’t going to be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever WILL be easy. What has happened shouldn’t have, but it has. You are angry, lost, and "hurt" doesn’t even begin to describe the pain you’re feeling. We know that. However, staying mad isn’t going to solve anything. Here is a link to Plan A on this website.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

If you do nothing else for the next few days, look at the discussion on Angry Outbursts, Disrespect, and Demands in that link. They are in a section dedicated to instances where the betrayed spouse is trying to separate a wayward spouse from the other person BUT they are rules for a successful recovery also. Please read them and share them with your wife too. It sounds to me like she could especially stand to know what Disrespectful Judgments are. Both of you need to find out what “Love Busters” are and how to stay away from them. Please look at these things as soon as you can. You and your wife can’t solve any problems if you’re yelling at each other, crying, becoming increasingly resentful toward each other, etc.

I suspect you’re pretty disoriented right about now. You probably have been operating on adrenalin and nerves and don’t have much of a clue what to do next. You need to know what to do and how to set up a plan to make recovery possible and Surviving An Affair will help show you how to do that.

While you wait for it to arrive, you will be well served by reading all the articles by Dr. Harley on this website. Start with the “Most Popular Links” on the right side of the webpage. One link will lead you to others and will prepare you for what you’ll read in more detail in Dr. Harley’s book. The link I gave you just above about Plan A is one of the articles you’ll run into in the most popular links.

You have said you are seeking couple’s counseling. I applaud you for that. Please “shop around” for a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor and find one that has considerable experience in getting couples back together. Counselors come in all grades of competence. Please get yourself a good one.

Finally, you need to start a thread in the “General Questions II” forum on this website. There are a lot of experienced folks over there who have gone through what you are going through now, but they do not come here to “Just Found Out” that often. You need more folks brainstorming on things you can do to save your marriage.

Friend, you have lots to do in order to get your marriage back where it should be, but you’ve taken a couple of very important steps by arranging for counseling and coming here to Marriagebuilders.com. Marriages have weathered the tragedy yours has encountered and yours can survive too. You’ll find people here on MB who are here only to help. Welcome. Now let's get started, okay?

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Thank you thank you thank you!!! We are getting started. I am just going through all the info on this site. My WW has already agreed to Plan A - she was already done. She agreed that she would not have any contact whatsoever. From what I can tell there is no need for Plan B as the A is over and we are still living together (she spent 3 nights away after dday). I think (?) we are in the third stage. Do you suggest we start with the Four Rules for A Successful Marriage?

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JJD, let this thread die so folks won't have to be going back and forth, okay? See you in GQ II.


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