I'm new to this but I have been told it helps to talk to other people who have been in the same situation. My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. He had an affair that started in October and finally ended in early January. We are both really wanting to essentially start new since our relationship obviously had some problems before the affair. But where do we even begin. All I know are the old habits and old feelings and now there are new EXTREMELY painful feelings stacked on top of that. I want to have intimacy in my marriage but I can't get past the image of my husband naked with another woman. It makes me nauseous when I think about him touching me. How do people overcome the painful thoughts and regain intimacy with their spouse. And how long does it take. My husband and I haven't been intimate since August and I feel like the more time passes the more susceptible we both are to affairs.

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Kand1ce

K, you will have those images in your head for quite some time, but they do go away over time. One way to get rid of them is to make NEW images with you and your H. It is very harmful for your marriage to not meet each others needs at such a vulnerable time. Just know that it takes about 18-24 months to recover from an affair.

I would suggest taking the emotional needs questionaire on the website and getting your hands on Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Those books, along with the EN questionaires will teach you how to meet each others needs.

Kand1ce,
Welcome to MB. You will find many helpful people here. Weekends can be quite slow, so take a deep breath first. Then go on the MB site and read up on the basic principles and take the EN quiz. I would suggest that you purchase:
Surviving the Affair
His Needs Her Needs
Love Busters
But first while the weekend is slow, you BS(Betrayed Spouse) and your FWH(former wayward husband)read the principles and everything you can from this site. Keep posting and asking questions

It will take you time to feel intimate with him. You both need to start filling each others love bank, without LB(love busting) etc.
READ and REREAD the principles, they do work. It will take take for both of you to heal/deal, do not expect a quick solution. There is no magical time frame, we are all individual and each takes a different length of time to begin R.
There are many more experienced MBers here that will chime in. I am in the process of R, and rather new here...DDAY was in May of 05. There is hope here for you and your FWH..
Welcome to MB again.
JE

Thank you for your response. We have read the His Needs, Her Needs books. In fact we have gone through the His Needs, Her Needs couples class together and we are in counseling. We have even discussed our needs with each other. It's just the intimacy thing. Although I am having trouble with the horrible images part, it's not just me. My husband says he's not sexually attracted to me anymore and he feels like he's living with a friend or roommate.

Kand1ce

Your FWH is not that far out of the A. He is probably still withdrawing..not sure.
THe A just ended recently. These things take time. That is my best on this...sorry.
I have the same feelings often, and its almost a year ago. I can tell you that just touching each other without the SF part is even hard at times. Your trust was broken, the images flashing in your head, his needs being met by another just recently, all play into intimacy. It will take time and consistency of meeting each others needs for a while.

K, that is a pretty normal reaction for someone who only ended his affair a month ago. As he withdraws from the OW, he will draw TO YOU if you are meeting his needs as best you can.

Here is a pretty good link that Suzet put together about withdrawal that might be helpful. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

From Dr Harley’s Q & A column:
As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.


But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.


Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.


It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care. And that will be the subject of next week's column: Learning to meet each other's needs after an affair.

It's just the intimacy thing. Although I am having trouble with the horrible images part, it's not just me. My husband says he's not sexually attracted to me anymore and he feels like he's living with a friend or roommate.

Wow. Ouch. That really hurts. My H said the same thing. And you guys are doing more than my H was willing to do with the HNHN. Counseling and openness helped, though.

What have you identified in the Lovebusters arena from pre-A? This is what got us back, past the ouch stage.

My H was disconnected from me emotionally, hence, no physical desire. SF meant coming together and acceptance. Did for me, too. I wasn't safe for him nor accepting. The roommate image shows the distance between someone you don't want to be close with. Someone at a safe distance.

Withdrawal is temporary. Takes a couple of months for him to get to the point of really being open to reconnect. However, your mental images are your own. You are nauseated because of deep resentment. That's your own thing. That's good news. You can work that out, along with the images (listen to MelodyLane about replacement images and read elsewhere on the boards about triggers).

Very happy you're here, searching and asking. Big kudos from me to you. You can get through this and into an even better marriage. Takes guts, especially listening to your own and understanding yourself. Takes patience, endurance and faith in what you can't see right now.

You'll get there, no doubt.

LA

Thanks for the input. It's good to hear that other people have been through this same thing (it's really sad) but the good part is knowing that this feeling doesn't last forever and obviously a lot of people have made their marriages work regardless. I really do appreciate the input ALOT!!

Be sure to ask him to take a test for STDs before you are intimate with him.

I'm sure his desire for you will come back, once he is out of withdrawal.

Thanks for the advice, that part hadn't actually crossed my mind.

Kand1ce