Last night my wife admitted she had started seeing someone else and then left and spent the night with the other person.

Some background, lasy Monday night she told me she wanted a divorce. I think was so she could justify her cheating.

A complicating factor is that she is seeing another woman, not a man.

She did this before, about 2 1/2 years ago and now after we both didn't deal with it, but brushed it under the rug the same pattern has reemerged.

I don't see any hope or in fact reason for reconciliation and I have taken a few steps to look after myself.

I have scheduled a therapy appointment for next Tuesday afternoon, I have been to lunch with a co-worker and told that person of my marital difficulties, I am spending tomorrow afternoon and evening with some close friends (a couple) who I can confide in.

My problem is we have two kids, 14 and 10 and although I am sure they know something is wrong, it is going to be very difficult to tell them about this.

My wife is still living at our house, but I did tell her when she returned this morning she needed to find alternate living arrangements and not live here anymore. No timeline, no anger, just simple explained my feelings.

For some reason I feel numb rather than angry and wondered if anyone else had a similar situation to mine or could offer some advice on other things I should do at this point.

Was it a woman the last time?

Yes, it was. Sorry if I wasn't clear on that.

rberry
I would say in this situation the most important thing is to calm down and think about the future of your family as you have mentioned you have got two lovely kids as well. I believe you have read about EN on this website if not pls do read, its worth reading all those articles on this website.

the second thing is to start communicating with your wife, intead of communicating with others. I am not saying dont speak to others. but on the same time do not avoid your wife. most of the time your frieds and family will give you the advise, its not worth keeping the relationship where your spaouse has cheated on you. its easy to say for them. but you know the pain and all the suffering that will be involved in the D. not only for you but also for your children.

Try to find out if you can save your marriage. its very easy to go and finish the relationship when WS cheat. the important thing is to save the relationship and try to improve the missing areas and fulfil missing ENs of each other.

I am not sure if I have given you a good advise but please stay here and some senior members will come up to help you with good advise.
KFH

rberry, you are in the right place here. keep reading and posting. think about your kids. don't rush any major decisions right now. allow yourself to feel pain and anger.

This is good advice, however, my wife is telling me she wants a divorce. I am not telling her that. There is no negotiation there.


We have talked and she needs sexual fulfillment from another woman, not from me. She is telling her gay friends the truth and she is not telling her straight friends why we are breaking up.



We are trying to stay friends towards each other as we do have our kids to consider. But she is not interested in saving our marriage.

Thanks for the welcome.

I am sure the anger is coming, I feel numb right now.

Was this very sudden on her part or have you felt her "pulling away" for awhile?

A lot of WW's say they're not interested in working on the marriage. Watch her actions. You can deduce more from her actions that from her words.

Do you know whom the A is with? Is the OP in any kind of a committed relationship?

Let us know and we'll see what kind of help we can come up with.

Stay Strong!

I have sensed her pulling away for a while.

Nearly all of her closest friends are gay and she hangs out with them almost every weekend.

I don't know who the other person is or anything about them. Just that is another woman.

My wife tells me I don't know the other person and that their relationship is "very recent".

Thanks for your input.

Well, the first place to start is Plan A. That is avoiding lovebusters, disrespectful judgements, and anger, and show her what a wonderful husband you could be.

If there are things she has complained about, then start eliminating them.

Does she have a history of gay relationships? Like before the two of you met?

Based on what you are saying I would strongly encourage you to seek an attorney to understand your financial and other legal obligations. Your wife has once engaged in a lesbian affair and has told you she wants a divorce and seemingly abandoned the marriage. There is a good chance she has already seen an attorney. The absolute worst thing for you is to blind sided like this. It is much better to know what you may face in the future and to prepare for it with excellent legal advise so you will know your options. My gut reaction tells me that her girlfriends will start telling her to go after the financial assets that you have both acquired. You are extremely vulnerable at this time and you and children need to be protected. Get legal advise now!

Agree with BryanP and Believer. Protect yourself.

Does she have parents or friends who you can expose her affair to? Anyone who can have any influence on her decisions? Plan A is also about exposing the affair and letting the WS see how sleazy they look in the eyes of others. The fact that it is a lesbian affair doubles the impact.

Answering a number of questions here.

She did not have a history of gay relationships before we met. She tells me I have driven her away.

I have not contacted a lawyer yet. The two of us are going together to see a mediator tomorrow. For now we are trying to keep the animosity to the minimum so our children feel less affected.

We did tell our kids on Friday that we are getting a divorce. They both seem to be holding up very well.

I forgot to answer the part about exposing her to family/friends.

She has very little family other than her grandmother and brother and sister. That is an option, although I am not sure what good it will do.

For the most part, her friends are mostly gay anyway and they know of her infidelity.

Are you already giving up?

Are you willing to fight to try to keep your family together?

Affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness. Shining the light on them causes them to lose their appeal. Expose to her family and yours.

If you do get a divorce, you want to know that you did EVERYTHING you could to prevent it.

And don't be fooled about your kids holding up. They will be devastated.

Fight Son. Fight with everything you've got.

rberry,

You still out there?

I am still here.

I don't understand the call for me to fight. Fight for what?

My wife has declared herself a lesbian and has moved out to pursue that lifestyle.