Twisted,

Here's a bit of a different take. Looking back, now, fromt he perspetive of a BH... and knowing my mother cheated on my father... It's about all I can do to not just destroy her. The pain she caused him, and then, all growing up, following the divorce, she tried to tell us she left him because he was abusing her.

I just want you to know, you are also losing your relationship with your children as you do this, continue the affair, that is.

Might I add to RookKev's comment, my W's parents divorced after her father had a string of As, and I can see how the pain comes up for her and her siblings almost every time they see him.

All three of them were very badly hurt by the marriage busting up. Is being with your "soul mate" worth inflicting that on your kids?

Aren't we supposed to be willing to give up everything, including even our lives if it comes down to that, for our kids? Sorry to lay it on thick, but you did ask for opinions, and that is my opinion, for what it is worth.
(3 kids, aged 3, 6, and 9)

Each of us (change to [color:"red"]chose to share [/color] shared things together that neither of us(change that to [color:"red"] chose to [/color] share with our spouses. She actually knows me better than my W does. [color:"red"]change that because I robbed all my charm wit and love from my wife and applied it to another woman and created it with her....instead of with my wife.... [/color]



As always...

I find it sooo ironic..

that in the name of love...

we destroy innocent childrens lives..
shatter their lives...
demoralize their mamas and papas....

AIN"T LOVE GRAND...

it makes your gut clench up....
most unpleasant feeling itsn't it..?
socks you right there...
then it makes your heart pang a little...

ARK^^

and twisted...

this is a for real question....

why are you HERE at marriagebuilders...

that is a for real question..

what is it you are seeking HERE
at marriage builders...

cause we can't help you destroy people...
but we can help you fix what you have set out to destroy...

ARK

Every WS says this! Every WS believes this. Every WS believes their situation is unique. Sadly, it NEVER is!


I am assuming to are a Christian Twisted. If you are not, please let me know. Now you set-up the ultimate showdown here. It is God versus your feelings for this woman. It is doing the right thing versus doing what "feels" right. Hard stuff. I am not going to lie...I know this is hard on you!

But that being said, I am going to be a little harsh with you right now because I know this addiction to the OW has things a little upside down for you. So, here it goes...

Do you consider yourself a man of good character...good morals? Do you believe you are a man of honor? I am guessing that you will say "yes."

Okay. So, let's go back to these questions you posed here. God versus OW. Right versus "feel right." What would a man of honor do? Would he do what feels right, or would he do the right thing no matter what the feelings are? Would a man of God follow God's lead, or decide that God's rules arent applicable and that "love" is more important?

As a Christian, you must decide who is more important...who do you love more. Not between your wife and the OW. But between the OW and God. It is THAT simple!

You sir are now learning the difference between simple and easy. This is all very simple. It is NOT easy at all!

God outlines what marriage is and how marriages end. Refusal to follow that can only result in more pain than you will want on EVERYONE involved. In order to have this "love," you must cause pain to so many. To your wife, to your kids. To this woman's family. And even more importantly, to yourselves. Sure, you have these feelings now. That is because your relationship hasnt been real. It is a fantasy that has lived in fantasy. Were your relationhip be out in the light of day, with the day-to-day stuff...it wouldnt feel so lovey-dovey!

TwistedT, we have seen many many cases here just like yours. They are not unique. 98% of all relationships that start like yours has fail. 50% of marriages fail. Which means you have better odds of falling in love with your wife again and living out the rest of yoru life together, than you do of being with this woman.

But I again get down to the brass tacks here. Are you a man of God? Are you a man of honor? If so, you will do what is right no matter the cost to yourself.

In the end, you will find out this OW is not what you thought. And neither is your wife. If you do the right thing, God has promised to come alongside you and turn it all good for you. If you do the wrong thing? Well, read Hebrews 10, as it says that it is a terrible thing for a believer to fall into the hands of the Living God!

I understand your dilemna. You may not want to believe this yet, but your relationship to the OW is the same as an addiction to cocaine or alcohol. You are addicted to the OW. It is NOT love. In order to break this addiction, Marriage Builders has a great program on how to do that, on how to turn your marriage around, and how to fall in love with your wife again.

But it will take a man of honor making the decision to do the right thing, even though it hurts and will hurt even more before it gets better.

We have many former wayward spouses (FWSs) on here and they can testify to what I speak. Tha tthey all had in common many of what you have written here. but they all have one more thing in common. They ALL are men and women of honor. They made horrible mistakes, to be sure. But ALL of them stepped up and did the right thing.

Who sits on the throne in your life, TwistedT? If you do, then you are in a lot of trouble. If Jesus does, then this decision is very simple. It is, of course, not easy! There is no such thing as "I cant give up the OW." You can. This is an act of the will. So, you can...but you wont.

My man, this is probably the most important decision you have made in your life, apart from being saved (if you have done so). You stand up and be a man of honor and character, and we will help you get thru this. But the first step is yours.

In His arms.

80% of people who leave their spouse for someone that they are having/did have an affair with end up regretting it. I'd think this through ALOT more if I were you.

I was the WS once. Thank God I realized how f*cking dumb and clouded my mind was. I honestly think that I love and appreciate my husband more than I ever did in the 12 years we've been together because of it. I will never take him for granted again.

"So I know what God wants me to do, what the right thing to do is, but I also have to listen to my heart"

“In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place”

Those are exactly the things my now-XH said. It was "special" with the OW. He had never felt about me the way he felt about her. They shared things he had never shared with me. They were connected in a way we had never been. In the end, he just HAD to go be with her and "find out".

He found out all right. She recently had a baby. They weren't married yet - I'm not sure if the OW is actually divorced from her first husband yet or not. My XH signed the affadavit of parentage even though he knew at the time that there was a very good chance the baby was not his (and not the husband's either), because they really, really loved each other, and he really loved his "first daughter", and they were going to make it, no matter what.

Until they did the DNA test a couple of months later, confirming the baby wasn't his, at which point the OW started trying out new men for her bed while keeping my XH around as a backup plan (hmm, very familiar, as that's what he tried to do with me, only I refused to let it happen.) And now he is trying to get out of being the legal parent of the child. Or maybe he has managed to get out of it, I'm not sure.

Yep, all very special, in a Jerry Springer-kind of way.

Every WS thinks their affair relationship is special, and that no one else can REALLY understand. It's the nature of this type of relationship. There are dozens of books written on it that will tell you exactly that. There are plenty of WSs out there who, after they have gotten past the initial excitement of the new relationship, will tell you that their feeling it was so special was just part of the ilicitness of the affair. And that's even from WSs who stay with the OP.

Let me say it again. Every WS says this. Every WS says that it is special, and that it is different for them, that no one else can understand, that they are somehow different than everyone else. They ALL say it, and they ALL feel that way. That makes it just one more normal part of an affair, and there is nothing special, nothing different at all about it. Yours is following the same general script they all follow.

Everyone's comments are truly appreciated. I knew I would be blasted posting in this site. That's the nature of having an affair, and talking about it in a site dedicated to saving marriages. I know it's been wrong, and I've always taken full responsibility for my actions.

Having taken everything in, I'm uncertain as to the future of my marriage. I know I may be going against everything this site stands for, but time will tell. However, I will tell you this....whatever direction I go, there is no way I am going to confess the A to my W. That would just tear her up more than anything. Yes, this is being dishonest, but it would also save a lot of pain. This is the philosophy recommended by the counselor I/we saw a year ago.

Thanks again, and I will sit by and see what other comments I get.

The with-holding of the truth is pretty much the coffin in the nail...

See...what you are really doing is denying your wife the RIGHT to make decisions about her own life..

her right to decide if she has to stay married to someone who cheats...

the right to decide if she WANTS to stay married to someone who cheats

her right to decide if she wants to have sexual relations with someone who has been unfaithful and potentially exposed her to illness

the right to live in the truth....

obviously she already "knows' something is up

you hold her captive in your own deceipt and lies....

you will make her believe that she is crazy...
that there is something wrong with her...

as cruel as an affair...
so is the decision to not let her stand as a child of God and make decisions for herself...

the pain is not in telling someone the truth....
for the pain already exists in your actions.....

Ironic again is it not...
I bet you and your OW...had gobs and gobs of conversation that went..

as long as we are truthful with eachother
as long as we always tell eachother the truth..
as long as we don't lie to eachother...
as long as you promise to tell me if your feelings change..

bet you guys had talks like that...


and yet you don't extend even a fraction of that same decency towards your wife to heal the hurt...

Denying her of her right to make informed decisions....

It's always funny how speaking the truth is blasting someone.....
ooh maybe that's it..
that truth word...that feels like blasting...

ARK

I never claimed that my sitch was different from any other WS. Because trials are common doesnt make them the same for each person or any easier. For example, two people may feel isolated by their spouse, but how that isolation occurs may differ. I, unlike T, am not juggling whether or not I will stay with my H. I thot that was the most important thing at this pt. Though some do not believe that there are "soulmates" (my defintion may differ from others), I do believe that there are people in this world who understand and connect with each other in ways that others do not. That's a fact. That's why not everyone is everyone else's "best friend" or even acquaintance. But I do recognize that in God's eyes the vow is the key. I intend to honor it.

"Yes, this is being dishonest, but it would also save a lot of pain. This is the philosophy recommended by the counselor I/we saw a year ago"

My counselor told me the same thing. I still see her, but I disagreed with her on this. I know I would never be able to have the relationship I wanted with my spouse without being fully honest. And I truly believed that if we really loved each other and were comitted, he would find it in himself to forgive me and love me again. So far, so good. I don't know what the future holds and if he will change his mind, but I am glad I was honest.

Can you remember a time where your H/W was your best friend. When you connected with him/her...Really look for it...you may not see it - but it was more than likely there once upon a time.

TwistedT
I really appreciate you have posted your feelings here. and I can see the reason behind it. you dont want to hurt to your W. on the same time you are unsure what to do.

I am not going to say here what you have done is right or wrong. but may be what is necessary to go to the right diretions from here.

first of all pls think about all those time you and your wife have shared together before last 6/8 years. as you have mentioned that from last 6 years you are not in love with your W. fare enough. its natural that as the time pass the feelings of H's & W's gets changed sometime they are in love and some time as you said not in love. but the main thing is to figure out what are the factors involved when you were in love with ur W and what are the factors involved that you are not in love with your W.

in my experience I found that the very first thing is dead communication. therefore you must imporve your communication with your wife. and try to spend some quality time with each other on a regular basis. its not that you spend 4/5 hours together over the weekend and then never see each other for the rest of week.

and when you are in A you do the very same thing you spend qulity time with OP on a regular basis and communicate with each other again on regular basis.

I will only recommend you, please read articles on this website about ENs & how affair starts.

in last its up to you how you waigh the relationship think about how much time you have spent with your family and their love and affection as compare to OW.

I am a BS but dont want to discourage you on your such a bravory step you have taken to save your relationship.

May God Bless you and show the right path.
KFH

No disrespect intended, at all, but can't you see how much you are fooling yourself when you say this in the same breath as you are telling us all of these other things about what you did and your intentions which prove the very opposite?

For one thing, and I will limit it to one thing, by blaming it on your "heart" you are not taking responsibility for your actions.

You know who is in control of your "heart"? You. You have made a series of decisions which have taken your heart to this place. And you have complete control over the next series of decisions that you make, if you truly do take responsibility.

I am speaking from a little bit of experience myself. Three months ago, I was not "in love" with my dear wife. I am now. I actually made conscious decisions about how I am going to think, act, and feel so that I could get here. Try it. It works.

We are not ruled by the planets, my friend, and if we think we are then we are actually refusing to take responsibility.

Actually, that was our biggest error. He has always been good to me but never my best friend. He will agree to this. He had a need to take care of someone and I needed taking care of.

Again, this may sound like blasting...but what we are trying to do is to get you to see the truth. The truth is, whether you hear it on a marriage building website, or from your pastor, or out on the street is...that your affair is wrong. Added to that, divorcing your wife is wrong. For any reason, short of her having an affair. she has a right to divorce you now...you do not have a right to divorce her. Thus, continuing the affair and/or divorcing your wife would just be you continuing to be wrong. And thus, I get to the second point...

You have not taken responsibility for anything! How could you have taken responsibility? You want to continue wit hthis woman. You want to divorce your wife. You want to continue to disobey God and hurt everyone involved. You have not told your wife. I am at a loss on how you have done one thing in order to accept responsibility.


Forget what this site stands for...what do YOU stand for? Do you stand for God? Do you stand for being an honorable man? if so, then an affair is wrong and you must stop. If so, then divorcing your wife is wrong, and you must not do this. It is that simple, TwistedT. You did not invent marriage, so you dont get to make the rules. You did not put your wife and you together, thus, you have no right to tear apart that marriage. Onyly time will tell? My man, you may take this as blasting...but that is a cop out! You are a grown man capable of making adult, honorable and ethical decisions. As of late, you have not done so. And now you want to relinquish all responsibility to time?


Thus, you are not an honorable man. You need to read more here, because not confessing is worse than the affair itself! Sure, it tore up all of the betrayed spouses here. But far worse for us would have been never knowing. Because a little clue for you...SHE KNOWS!! All BSs know! And your marriage has NO CHANCE of making it without honesty and clearing this mess. And you cant clear it when you want to shove it under the rug. Again, TwistedT...this is not the mark of a man with character!


There are many counselors out there. Some will say that your affair was a good thing! Doesnt mean they are right. Most counselors have less than a 50% success rate in counseling couples. The Harleys have over a 70% success rate usign the principles you will learn on here. You need to read up on this stuff. understand marriage, affairs...how love is created and lost. Being dishonest NEVER helps. Your counselor is flat wrong, and has only enabled you to continue this distructive behavior.

TwistedT, we are not bashing you. And we dont want you to chafe under this and leave. But you need to first understand that your world right now is 180 degrees off from reality. You have the Bible, moral standards, etc that tell you that you are wrong. But you continue to justify it. But you cannot make sense out of nonsense!

Affairs are selfish acts! Leaving your wife so you can be with the OW is a selfish act. Please remember that God holds YOU responsible for your marriage and your kids. Not your wife...but YOU! You are the man, the husband. For you to abandon your wife...well, I would not want to be standing in front of God after that.

TwistedT, again we want to help you. You saw several posts from Dorry, a FWW. When she first came here, she made many of the same rationalizations. And she got the same treatment you are getting now. But Dorry is a honorable woman, one that I am proud to say is my sister in Christ! Listen to her! Hear what she is saying. She said the same things last year. And now? She realized that she was in a fog, that her world was not the real world. That she was being selfish, destructive, sinful.

So, instead, she decided to trust God. And over this time, the fog lifted and she realized what she really had.

TwistedT, if you want to be a man of God and an honorable man, then the affair must stop forever. You must go back to your wife and tell her everything. Only then will your marriage have a chance. She deserves to know about her life. And what you have done with the OW is a part of her life. Your wife was there every time you were with the OW. Yoru wife is a part of you. She has a right to knwo where you have taken her.

But more importantly, only with the truth can the two of you fully understand where you have both taken your marriage. And with that knowledge, the two of you can move forward.

I go back to my original questions, which you have yet to answer. Are you saved? Are you a honorable man?

If you are, then you cannot continue to make the choices you have. You know the right thing to do. Thus, you should do the right thing. It is that simple.

In His arms.

I know everyone is basically trying to help me and not blast me.

I absolutely know that what I have done is selfish! There is no denying my own self gradification is at the expensive of my family and friends. I also know that I am not being honorable in the path I have taken.

Being saved? Not sure what you mean by that question. Are you talking about God saving me? If that's what you mean, then NO, I have not been saved. And I am not looking for God to save me. I'm responsible for my decisions, not God. Quite frankly, all the religious righteousness is getting old.

actually the only reason anyone got spriritual on you is because you said this


And now after we retell you what god wants you to do you say this


Obviously you did have a relationship with God. Hard to keep one while in an A...

If you hadn't of said that - there would be no God talk on here.

I am a bit confused.

Interesting your comment about God, yet at the same time you sense the wrong in what you have done. God set standards to follow and obey long before you came into the world. You do not know him, yet you still have something inside of you that wants to do the right thing irregardless of any commitment to God or belief in consequences of disobedience. I find that interesting and telling. You may not see what I mean.