New on this site and glad I found it.

H confessed his A a month ago. Hurt, angry devasted and every emotions any BS have experienced, I threw him out but not before I called his best friend (a counselor) to get him whom he has been staying with, 10 minutes away. OW lives 2 hours away. He confessed his A because the OW threatened him that if he didn't leave me, she would come over and tell me of their A herself. The A went on for two years, less than a year after we got married. The next day, I told his friends, family. He didn't expect I would expose him.

I contacted the OW the next day after finding phone records that night after WH was kicked out. Since WH lied about the length of the A (he said 6 months, OW said 2 years). The OW was right. Needed to know from OW if she were pregnant. She wasn't. It wasn't a screaming conversation.

A week after the D-Day, WH and I have talked a great deal and somehow reconnected emotionally and physically. We saw each other 2-4 times a week. I now realize that was a bad thing to do. We know we still love each other and have said to each other that we haven't given up on our marriage. Yes, trusting his words have not been easy.

He started counseling yesterday and was advised to take a two week to a month or so "sabbatical" leave to find himself. More confused, I'm not quite sure how his sabbatical will help our marriage. I thought part of the rebuilding is for both to seek counseling. But a 2 week to a month or so or being by yourself? I don't get it. Is this what marriage counselors advise when a WH or WW is lost? Can anyone shed light into this? Or is WH trying to pull another fast one just so he can get together with the OW?

Meanwhile I know from phone records he still calls her, but the length of their conversation seem shorter than before the discovery.

I've read posts on the pros and cons of confronting OW. But the posts on Exposure is compelling me to contact OW, via email and give her a taste of her own medicine. It seems that PLAN A is not working, because last month's phone records showed he still called her. Like any OM or OW, she's still waiting for WH to waltz into her life.

The message I would tell her is this:

"Since you caused nothing but pain in our marriage, my husband and I, I will give you a taste of your own medicine.

But first, I want to make it perfectly clear with you that I LOVE MY HUSBAND to the core of my being. And I know my husband have always loved me and still does which is why he never left me for you. The one positive thing that came out of this nightmare is that your affair with him helped us reconnect. For that I have you to thank.

If you so much as to try to contact, call or email my husband on ANY level at ANYTIME regardless for ANY reasons, including and especially forwarding this email to him, I will expose you and let your family and friends, especially your daughters, XXX and XXXXX know that you have been having an affair with my husband and that you delibirately threatened my husband that you would come over to our house to hurt me if my husband did not leave me for you.

You have ONE chance to make the right decision."

Anyone out there with any suggestions? Yes, I will be seeing a separate therapist next week. MB has been my only outlet. And yes, I have all the info I need to successfully carry out this threat.

So any one with similar experiences would love to hear from you. I'm emotionally exhausted and lost am myself as to where to go from here.

Do not threaten to tell her children...
it is as cruel as she is....

NO good will come from that...

is she married ?

You have not been in Plan A long at all...

plan A is ALL about contact occuring between the WS and OP..

what are the 'reasons' your husband claims he had the affair..
what does he say is missing....

how does he know her..
through his job..
that is where you can expose...

suggesting a time to find yourself is bunk...
crap from a crappy therapist...

do you two have children...

has he said he wants a divorce
has he said he wants NO contact with her...

focus on you and your husband..
NOT
the OW

ARK

No.

No need to contact her ever again.

The ONLY reason to EVER contact an OP is to communicate that the WS (your husband) is indeed married, not divorcing, not separated, and you (the BS) is not seeking a divorce, etc., is not a drug addict, axe murderer, exotic dancer, etc. All of this would be to counter the lies that the WS has told to the OP.

Now, about that counselor. Get a new one. A "sabatical" is bull feathers. Your reaction is correct. Unless this is something your H made up - fire that counselor.

How old are you and H and do you have children with him?

Thanks. No, neither one of us are seeking divorce. We want to work on our marriage. He is seeing the same counselor we saw last year. Spoke with her yesterday and advised that I should see a separate counselor for now. So, I can't fire "HIS" counselor.

So, since we're not getting a divorce even though he's at his friends (husband and wife) house, still do not contact OW?

Thanks,
OW is divorced-claimed her ex cheated on her
OW's children are in the late teens
WH & I have no children
WH claim his emotional needs were not being met, so were mine.
WH & went to counseling but claims HE couldn't discuss his A, not a surprise.

OW & WH works in the same industry with same contacts.

So, you're implying, I should expose their A to their mutual business contacts?

No!

What would you hope to accomplish?

Did the counselor actually recommend the separation?

WAT

From the wise folks in this place, I've learned that you have to let the affair play out. If you interfere, you will just drive him into her arms (it will become "them against you"). You've exposed the A, which is the first important step. It's too bad that you can't live under the same roof, but maybe some time apart will help clarify things for both of you. I know you think it would feel good to be able to blast the OW, but the effect will be short-lived. You will just look petty and hurtful in your husband's eyes, which will not help your cause at all.

I know how hard it is to be patient during this phase (I am struggling with it myself), but you just have to hang in there...

If you put it that way, I suppose none. After all, even if OW stops calling him, it's not going to stop WH from calling her. So, I won't contact OW. I'll be "STILL" as one of the posts suggested.

I don't know if the counselor recommended separation? Haven't talked to H since his session. WH emailed me last night and told me yesterday before he left for his counseling, he said he would call me in a day or two. Same thing he said on his email and would come over to see me before he left on his first "weekend sabbatical."

This counselor was referred to H by his friend (a youth counselor).

Thanks. I'm so sorry that you are also going through this. Yes, the hardest part is here and I realize that it's a long uncertain road with no gurantees. This stage can't fast forward fast enough. The saparation did bring some clarity into our marriage and in our own self.

It's just appalling to me as to how many lives are affected because of people's delusional selfishness.

Good luck to you and your children. And yes, I will hang in there. You do the same.

This is not what you should be doing entirely.

You should be still regarding the OW. She doesn't deserve your energy.

You should NOT be still regarding your marriage.

Ask your husband to come home. "Sabaticals" are hog wash. If a "counselor" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> is suggesting this, you may have to let one pass before you can argue against it. Perhaps thie "sabatical" is some kind of boot camp where they pound sense up his butt. If so, good. Our experience, however, is that therapeutic "separation" is a ruse for seeing the affair partner.

WAT

My FWH used to go on "weekend sabbaticals"..every single weekend with the FOW..

I agree with WAT. Ask him to come home in order to WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE.

We are trying to help you TO NOT ENABLE HIS A....as he wants you to do...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Did I miss your answer to this question that ark asked?



If he has not said, what DO YOU SPECIFICALLY think he was missing?

Have you read the information on this site about EMOTIONAL NEEDS or have your gotten yourself a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR? I would recommend getting yourself a copy as soon as possible.

WH said his emotional needs were not met. But he was never clear on his emotional needs. His reply was, he's like any other men. What he needs is sleep, food, sex! Only after the A did we really discuss the specifics. H said OW listened and supported him.

We went to counseling even before we got married. The big issue was that WH had difficulty transitioning his behavior from a bachelor to marriage. H wanted to be married but was not ready to accept the responsibilities of marriage as in courtesy, following through with what he said he'd do. For a long time, he couldn't keep his word, specifically calling when he said he would. Became more apparent after marriage.

When 2 counselors advised WH that he needed to make some changes regardless who he was with, it made him feel like he was giving up himself. So that started his resentment towards me and then portrayed me as the villain, controlling wife to his friends and families. I was blamed for his unhappiness. And because he reprsent himself as this sensitive, please son/brother/friend who would do no wrong they believed him. Even after the A was exposed to them, they still advised him to leave the marriage.

Begged my counselor to see me today instead of next week because I just hit rock bottom. May have to take antidepressant which I'm not an advocate to any mental type of drugs. Confused and contrary to MB and advise on this forum to hang in there, C made me think whether or not WH is worth fighting for as long as he continues contact with OW.

WH & I mentioned him about moving back home. I told WH that I don't want him back home as long as he maintained contact with OW. I have to set boundaries for myself to maintain some sense of dignity. I don't want WH to be home and have to wonder where he is when he's out. What I do know is that since he is living with his best friend and his wife, WH is unlikely to lie to them especially since the didn't know WH's A and were shocked on d-day.

I don't know. Maybe I'm going through a phase of my own, asking myself if he's worth fighting for considering how life is too short by allowing someone to hurt you in the most painful way. It's almost a form of emotional abuse.

Swallow your pride and get him home. You cannot compete with OW in absence.

The whole premise of the process is for you to identify what bad juju you brought to the marriage, fix them, and then demonstrate the fixes to your husband - so he'll have "justifiable" reasons to re-engage with you. Hard to do this while you're apart.

WAT

star, how long have you been married? You are very correct to consider if you even want to bother with it. Some choose to move on. That being said, just know that your chances of salvaging this marriage and walking away with a GREAT marriage are excellent if you follow the principles here. Many here have fully recovered.

So please take that into consideration when you make your decision. I would also suggest that you don't make any decision at all while you are so upset. You won't be upset forever, but divorce is forever.

Secondly, I would implore you get counseling with Steve Harley if you do decide to save it. As you have discovered, most counselors are not qualified and are not pro-marriage. There are some dreadful MC's out there who actually cause more harm than good. Your H's counselor is one. The seperation he recommended is harmful to your marriage and if he understood the dynamics of adultery he would not make such a bad recommendation.

Steve Harley, on the specializes in infidelity, and won't waste a minute of your time. He will assess your situation and very capably guide through this by giving you a PLAN. The man is a genius and he has helped many many people save thier marriages.

Welcome aboard, star, sorry you are here, my friend.