Myrta,

I can't drink alcohol any more. I will if Gemela does and sometimes I won't even accompany her. She does like to drink with frequency although not to excess. We could get alcohol here but we don't. She has brought some undistilled alcohol home in the past. There are three kinds of alcohol here: 1) the real thing - it gets smuggled in by various methods 2) "siddiqi ("sid")" or essentially pure "flash" which is made by anybody with a still and 3) anything fermented - NA beer with sugar and yeast thrown in or NA wine or juice, etc. Gemela has brought home the third kind in the past but it is really gross. At the end of the day, I am a chemical engieer. If I wanted to make my own, I have been trained to do exactly that. I choose not to for my family.

I think I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic and wanted to stop. Ask gemela how many of the people she knows in Dubai were in a similar situation to us. The short answer is every single one of them. I am not blaming Dubai for my behavior - I blame me. But I had to get out. I don't want to raise DDs that way just like I won't let gemela smoke in front of them even though DD1 still knows mom smokes.

Since I gave up alcohol, I have a lot more free time. I fill that time in the early morning hours making interactive educational games for kids that I post free on the internet. This year I have been taking DD1's homework and have created games for her teacher to use to teach the methods more effectively. The school placed it on all the K and 1st grade computers and given to parents for home use. Keep in mind that this was intended as a teaching aid for classroom instruction so it has not all the interactive help that a canned program should but I am now uploading those programs at www.karlazone.com/first-grade/main.html. It should be up in 10 more minutes or so. I did not write this version to be internet-based so I am not sure how it will work and it will definitely need a broadband connection and a Flash Player Ver 8 plugin. I did not put in any preloaders since it was designed to be run off hard disk. The remainder of things on that site are better designed for internet use. I don't do much scripting any more because gemela does not like me to spend time on the computer. It is just as well, I don't make money from it - just a hobby.

believer,

I think patience is what I pray for every day. I am giving gemela all the time she wants and needs. My only goal is to ensure NC as best as possible because that is the only way her time will have any value. Other than that, anything is fair.

I will never deny DDs their mother. That would not be right for them. I will deny WW to opportunity to run DDs lives. Any life WW can establish and prove is stable and safe for DDs, they are free to go to - whether that is sole, shared, visitation - I don't know. Right now education is a factor. We just have to see where this ends up. My initial fear was the WW would take DDs to UK, fail that relationship in 6 months or a year, have no job, no place to live and place DDs in a very unhealthy situation. That is the only thing I am trying to avoid. WW is a great mother to DDs when she is not stressed and they love her very much. For me to deny them their mother would be worse than cruel.

At the onset I told Myrta she was free to join the OM at his home any time. I offered a no hassle divorce and even agreed to make up an excuse other than infidelity for the divorce. Despite everything I did not want Myrta to suffer the scorn of her grown children and the little one (now 13 years old). She declined the offer with great vigor.

When I suspected she was having some sort of withdrawal I offered Myrta the opportunity to visit OM for 2-3 weeks so she could see him every day 24/7. I was certain her withdrawal was going to disappear if she had to live with OM.
Her attachment to OM was based on a long distance Internet and phone relationship with sporadic visits. I was certain that seeing OM EVERYDAY would take care of her withdrawal.

Some said this was 180 degrees apart from what MB preaches but I could not accept the idea of doing these plans to change the mind of a WW.

IMHO. Traicionado is doing more or less what I did. He has a wide open door and Gemela can ride into the sunset with her OM any time she wants. It is interesting to see that Gemela has shown some behaviors similar to Myrta such as hiding any signs of withdrawal.

BTW, I have never read that Traicionado wanted to keep the daughters away from Gemela.

The only difference I see is that Traicionado seems to be in charge of the money in the household. In my case Myrta had all the control over the money since I gave the idea of doing that shortly after marriage.

The other difference is that Myrta's OM was not a young stud. I used to wish OM had been a young stud because I could not understand the attraction Myrta had for her OM (still don't).

OM was less well off. I also wished Myrta's OM was wealthy because sometimes I would think Myrta was simply staying with the better provider. I suspect this swimming instructor is not likely to be a good provider.

Traicionado....thats the best thing you can do, give up alcohol"!! I mean socially a drink here and there its fine, but to drink just to get wasted or drunk, I dont see the fun or purpose on that. Although some people use it to alleviate their sadness or problems. But I dont see how alcohol could help any one. I have never drink a drop of anything ,ever!! Stanley has tried for years to make me drink, but I just dont like it or have any desire for.

You know sometimes WWs try to change a bit how BS are to get simpathy from others. SOmetimes they magnify a little problem to a huge one, to have an excuse for their doings.

I tried to go to that program, but when I clicked on it, it said "!system not found" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. But your job sounds neat!! YOu need a clear head for sure to do your job.,

Why do people in Dubai like to drink so much? Is it the syle of living? NO TV? or SF? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Gemela should not smoke also, not good for her either. Maybe now she is smoking more? To relieve the stress, the worries,etc. I was very glad to see her post this morning, it was a good one. She took her time to write it and explain her side. She seems to be trying to make the marriage work. So thats a plus!


Myrta

Myrta,

I gave up alcohol over a year and a half ago. I'll never go back. I am cutting and pasting this from my browser nav bar and it works http://www.karlazone.com/first-grade/main.html try cutting and pasting rather than clicking.

Dubai is fake. Everything about it is fake. I don't know why people drink so much there but it is a fact of life. Everyone is trying to live beyond themselves. Ask gemela what she misses most about Dubai. The first thing she always says is going to the Hard Rock Cafe on the Wednesday Night Harley rides and filling up on beer and cigarettes.

Stan-ley,

You skin-flint. For about the first month after Dday, I made gemela the offer to go be with OM not for 3 weeks but a full 6 months! No cure-no pay! If she decided it was not what she wanted, she could have returned at any time with no questions asked. I may have had regrets later but I would have honored my word and I would have let her come back if she had chosen. I left that offer on the table for about a month and eventually took it off. Now it is no longer an option she has available. Now if she goes off with OM, she and I will never be together again.

Also, up until very recently, gemela had complete control of the finances. All she gave me was an allowance of 30 riyals per week. I only recently took the finances away from her to prevent her from buying phone cards. Over the past two weeks, I have offered to relax that and give her more control of the finances but she says she is currently happy with the way things are. Either she does not trust herself with the money at the moment or else is trying to regain my trust. I don't know - all I know is she wants no access to the finances right now - or so she tells me.

Traic, it's so common for ex-pat societies to drink too much. It happens in the Pacific Islands here in a very similar way and it's so well documented in places like Kenya between the wars.

I commend you for giving it up. With the sort of lifestyle ex-pats lead, it must have been quite hard.

BTW, I think you and gemela are going to be fine. I have a very good gut instinct for who's going to make it - well, it's a gut instinct and listening to how people react to the situation they've found themselves in (both BS and WS). I'm almost tempted to start a thread about it.

Also it's as plain as the nose of my face that the sort of guy she got involved with is an opportunist and a predator and I bet he's moved along since he's been back in England, happy with another notch on his belt.

If I could speak Spanish I'd try to tell Gemela that.

Thanks KiwiJ,

I wish I knew the cause. It is just so pervasive that it is "accepted" as "normal". It is wrong. The western expat community in Dubai is about 70% to 80% British with USA being about 5% more or less. On the other hand, westerners account for maybe a total of 10% to 15% of the total population. You are in new surroundings, away from your family and friends and it is easy to try to blend in. I don't know. I always thought I was better grounded than that. In my case I believe it was stress, travel and very long work hours (4:30AM to 6:00PM the norm) coupled by the fact that I inhereted my mother's insomnia (she is reading this BTW). Still no excuse. We should have left Dubai early on but gemela loved Dubai so I tried to maintain that for her as long as I could. I still feel bad about taking her away from Dubai aven though I am SO glad we are gone. I think our problems actually began in Muscat (we moved from Dubai to Muscat and then back to Dubai). But I posted that a long time ago in my original thread so won't repeat here. The second time in Dubai was fatal. Moving to Saudi was supposed to be the opportunity to right all the wrongs. It went the other way.

Kiwi. I told similar words to Gemela in my first post to her. I also told her that OM probably have been with married women before.

I'm sure you're right Myrta. In fact I KNOW you're right. It must be a great place for that sort of guy, husbands that work long hours, women with lots of household help and lots of time on their hands. All they have to do is say the right thing at the right time.

It makes me MAD!!!!!

Jen - Please post to Gemela. She writes excellent English.

I really do think that she got tied up with a predator. Women from Mexico are kept away from the men. I think that she didn't have the protection that the rest of us do - ie: no experience with men.

OK, B, I will. It's kind of ironic that my H told me that the OM I was involved with was exactly that sort of guy and I wouldn't believe him. All my friends saw it. EVERYONE saw it but me.

Thanks, Jen. You know, I know men. I dated a lot before I got married, and being in the engineering field, have always worked with all men. So I know how some of them are. I'm thankful for that.

I am sure that Gemela was taken advantage of by this guy. She won't tell you that, because she hasn't realized it yet.

She needs some women to come along side her and guide her through this.

WW talked repeatedly last night about how it may have been a fantasy - everyone is telling her that and she is almost starting to at least entertain the concept although still clearly does not believe it. I told her I would not say anything negative about the OM but if she gave herself time, she might see that it was never real. If she ever came to that conclusion, I would show her what I had to support the fact the OM was not a really nice guy but I would not do that until she was ready. Right now she needs to come to her own conclusion without interfeerence from me.

I am focused on being the best husband and father I can be. These are two points I filled out on gemela's EN questionaire for her due to her reluctance. I absolutely was not the father to my DDs I should have been back then. There are a couple of reasons and a couple of excuses. None exists any longer. I think DDs have a great father now. I think DDs think they do too. As far as me not being a good husband, it is hard for me to comment on that since I don't know how much of history has been rewritten. I don't think any of her friends in Dubai would accept that I was not a good husband to her and they have told her that. It doesn't matter though. Gemela believes the history she currently remembers. Perception is everything.

Traic, you are right. Every time my H said something negative about the OM, I leapt to his defence. Noone wants to think they've been taken for a fool. It's hard to face.

I think in time she will realize that was a fantasy. She was vulnerable and this predator swooped in.

You have hit on something very important to a woman - being a good father. I don't think men understand how much that means to us. I absolutely LOVE seeing men with their babies/children. Men are stronger than women, and it melts my heart to see a man loving a child.

My boys were raised without their father. I always looked up to men who would play with them, hug them, spend time with them, encourage them.

I don't think you can go wrong in loving your girls.

Believer,

I told gemela very clearly last night in very plain Spanish that the only person who is going to walk away from this is her. I said I loved her and had committed to be by her side until death and it was a promise I would not break. She has all the safety of time, home and family she needs.

If you go back and read my posts in a previous thread. I said I was the one who was concerned about having too much power and I was asking for advice on how to empower gemela so she didn't feel so helpless. The advice I got was to leave things as they are. I am still open to suggestions.

To be honest I think gemela has a lifestyle that is the envy of everyone she knows. But marriage is more than just lifestyle. I want her to have the marriage and family that is the envy of everyone she knows.

Not a difficult chore. DD1 is at an age where she even challenges me. I think WW would have her hands full. So far, DD1 still knows which side of me she wants to end up on when it is all said and done. It breaks her heart if she thinks I am disappointed in her. It breaks my heart to see her sadness. She always comes back and asks if she is still my little angel. I remind her she always will be.

DD2 is more into mom at the moment but she likes to entertain me. It is hard for DD1 and I to play DD2's games because she constantly adds new rules. We try our best anyway although DD1 gets mad and quits.

Pull another stunt like you did last week without discussing it first and flaming daggers is more likely what you can expect from me. Ice would be way too kind and undeserved.

What did I do last week?