Yesterday during golf, gemela was telling me that she had bumped into a woman in the course that was half Russian, half Irish and half South African who was just taking up golf again after a long absence. They played together and she really enjoyed it and they made plans to play together again.

I just got a call from gemela and she played 9 holes this morning. Another Latina came across her on the 1st tee and they talked and introduced themselves. The woman has been playing for 15 years and suggested they play together. WW was as nervous as a cat but agreed. She was ecstatic that she played really well and was so thankful she didn't hit any really bad shots. She is now more excited with playing with the ladies' Monday morning group and is going to rearrange her schedule to be able to play.

It looks like golf may be a great help in helping her establish friendships and get recognition. Maybe this is progress.

Hey T,

My humble opinion is that everything seems to be on the right path!

But, BUT, you are concentrating TOO MUCH on WW. You are analyzing every one of her actions and her words.... Be careful.

IMHO her dream was very important but confession is not something she HAS to do yet. As you say, she has only just admitted maybe for the first time, that the A was wrong! Give her time. Let her talk to God. Let her process her feelings.

I'm very happy for you.

Well I said this morning that I did not want to get my hopes up and that seems to be pretty much what you are saying. I am really just focusing on my Plan A and focusing on me. I am more excited about her meeting new (female) people and getting enjoyment from golf than any hint of remorse. I am just reporting the facts. I am not expecting any miracles. Now is our weekend so this will be a good time to do a few things together. I feel much better than I did a couple of days ago.

Of course you have to have hope! What I meant was try not to concentrate on the details of WW's life. Don't analyze every movement, every word.

Just be you, concentrate on you. There is nothing better YOU can do for HER. BE THERE if she needs you, of course, but otherwise let her be. Because only SHE CAN PROCESS her thoughts and feelings. That's why we BS have to let go.

I can imagine how hard it is for you because you have always taken care of her. But this she has to do alone. Unless she asks for your help.

Part of my problem is that I can't do anything with WH! That's MY PROBLEM, although I haven't seen or talked to him for more than a year. I can't let go. Have to work on that. So it must be very difficult to let go when you are living together. Try.

It is really hard for me to not want to try to make it all better for her. I wish I could take away her pain. I guess I can't. I'll follow the doctora's orders.

have you learned to sing the Padre Nuestro?
I'm sure that would please her

With my voice, that would be sure and certain divorce <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

whisper

Just an update to say there is not much to update. My neighbor whose wife left to go to USA has filed for divorce. She is still carrying on an EA with her ex-boss. A mutual friend spoke to her and reported back to the neighbor that his WW is totally lost and knows that the life with her OM will never materialize. She said she knows she needs to go NC but just can't. Anyway, gemela and I discussed this a little bit because I can't hide the fact that the neighbor spoke to me. I am always somewhat nervous about discussing the neighbors but it seemed that maybe she can see the parallel. If she decides the neighbor WW made a mistake in leaving, maybe that is a good thing. I don't know. It does seem to be about the only way we can discuss our situation i.e. vicariously. Gemela did comment that she knows EXACTLY how the neighbor WW feels about not being able to break contact.

For my part, maybe the drugs are starting to take effect - I don't know. I am not very unhappy about things and I think I am staying very positive and upbeat for gemela although there are times it is not easy. Sometimes for no particular reason I seem to revisit the A in my mind and I get a little angry but it dissipates quickly. I am not usually around gemela when that happens.

I don't want this to come out the wrong way but I don't really care what happens any more. I still want R and am doing my best for Plan A but, if it doesn't work out, that will be fine. I guess I am happy with either outcome and will just wait to see what that outcome will eventually be. I do miss a loving marriage and will not settle for just being good friends/roommates for the rest of my life but I can wait a bit longer to see what develops. WW says she feels closer to me lately - whatever that means. We had a brief talk about feelings one evening and she said all the "right" things. For the moment, whether we stay together or split is gemela's choice and eventually she will decide one way or the other. At some point in the future, it may become my choice if she remains in indefinite limbo.

I do believe that gemela is still NC. I don't know what she is truly feeling because she will not discuss it. She is also not willing to discuss the A. I guess she is still in withdrawal but maybe over the worst of it. We have not yet returned to MC although she may still be in IC - I am not sure.

We are still off SF and yesterday se le bajó la regla so we will continue that plan for a while. I am still not "interested" in SF. I find her attractive and exciting and I have no aversion to it - it is just that SF is boring at the moment. I have never been one to have SF just for the sake of having SF. Without "love" it just feels empty and I am afraid that if I have SF and am bored with it, I WILL develop an aversion for it. Could be the AD too having an effect. It is not hindering me physically if you know what I mean - I just have no desire to act upon the impulse. I can say I don't miss SF in the least for the moment - yes - it must be the drugs.

We had a fairly quiet weekend and spent yesterday working around the house so there is really not much going on.

If she is not posting on MB, my best guess is that she does not yet see any real (positive) benefit to her to do it but she may not have much desire or need to "vent". Either that or she is in some state of denial again - trying to ignore that the A ever happened. I can't really say.

I forgot to add that there is one crisis. Apparently Saudi Arabia is out of Oreos and there are none on the horizon. We may not survive this latest catastrophe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hi T,

sometimes the quiet times are necessary.

Gemela hasn't posted much.

You know I don't think you have to upbeat all the time. Just be yourself. If you don't feel upbeat, just don't be. If you need time to yourself, take it if you can.

Gemela may be under the impression that you are "strong" and that you will get over it. That's not the right impression.

Whatever happen, each one of you is responsible for their own actions. And there is a third area which is the interaction between you. I think your individual areas are more important at this stage, you have not become a "couple" again yet. Hopefully it will be soon.

Sorry about the Oreos.

Surviving an Affair is really a complicated deal. I should not appear strong and yet I should not appear weak.

I shouldn't appear upbeat all the time but I have to keep a positive impression going for Plan A.

I don't need AD for the stress of the affair, I need it for the stress of Plan A!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry - I am just pulling your leg. I'm really okay. I sure could use some Oreos though.

Thanks for checking up on me. I am not sure why gemela has not posted lately. We haven't discussed it. She will post to "tear" but tear has been very quiet. I hope "tear" is okay.

I agree we are not yet a couple again but I am not trying for that either. I am just being me and trying to be a better me.

yes, surviving an affair is complicated. Most people DO survive though. The point is how to BEST survive it. That's what all this is about.

You can meet so many people, actually most people, who seem to be disappointed and sad, and irritated in teh later stages of life, and maybe it's due to the way they have handled the "difficult" parts of life: adulthood, having a family, working etc. It's easy to get lost.

Anyway, I'm sure you understand and are doing fine. It would be good for Gemela to see for herself the consequences of her actions. But again, no faking, just be true to yourself.

Any idea how many M's survive A's? I was just curious and I bet you know from your work. Don't get the wrong idea with me asking. I am not going pessimistic or anything.

I wonder if there is a statistic on what the percentage difference is for going with MB or going it alone. I already decided a long time ago that, if it had not been for MB, I would already be divorced. And even if we ultimately split, I will be extremely happy about all that I have done to try to recover. There is no way I can lose on this deal. I love it.

Statistics on marriages and infidelity are not very trustworthy. As you can imagine people don't always tell the truth.

And from what I've been able to research, infidelity and even marriage are not subjects that the medicalprofession has paid much attention to. By that I mean psychiatrists and psycologists. I couldn't find much professional information. So Dr. Harley is probably one of the first to study this subject scientifically. That is what impressed me about him. You can read how he started in the preface of SAA and also on the website.

So from the statistics that are available, I don't think there is much difference about the marriage "surviving" infidelity whether you use MB or not. The difference seems to be in the QUALITY of the survival.

About 50% of marriages are affected by infidelity, (or more) and 70% do NOT end in divorce. That's about what I have learned from info on this subject.

So the odds of surviving the A are quite high. I never would have guessed that. I would have thought 25% would be optimistic.

I understand what you mean about quality of survival though. If gemela and I get through this, I am sure we will have a great marriage.

Now you get the idea!

I was surprised too.

I just read the statistic that 65% of all marriages end in divorce because of an affair. Dr. Frank Pittman wrote an infidelity article for Psychology Today. An excerpt appears below.

Myth: "Affairs are good for you; an affair may even revive a dull marriage. Back at the height of the sexual revolution, the Playboy philosophy and its Cosmopolitan counterpart urged infidelity as a way to keep men manly, women womanly, and marriage vital. Lately, in such books as Annette Lawson's Adultery and Dalma Heyn's The Erotic Silence of the American Wife, women have been encouraged to act out their sexual fantasies as a blow for equal rights.

Fact:

It is true that if an affair is blatant enough and if all ****** breaks loose, the crisis of infidelity can shake up the most petrified marriage, Of course, any crisis can serve the same detonation function, and burning the house down might be a safer, cheaper, and more readily forgivable attention-getter.

However utopian the theories, the reality is that infidelity, whether it is furtive or blatant, will blow ****** out of a marriage. In 30 odd years of practice, I have encountered only a handful of established first marriages that ended in divorce without someone being unfaithful, often with the infidelity kept secret throughout the divorce process and even for years afterwards. Infidelity is the sine qua non of divorce."

cc46,

thanks for all that. you made me forget all about Oreos for a few minutes.

ToddAC,

Aren't WE Mr. Sunshine this morning?


So divorce is a result of infidelity but infidelity doesn't necessarily result in divorce. I don't see that your statistic is contrary to what cc46 is saying. I think you have to look carefully at how it is worded. In fact your own post is contradictory in a way because it first says that 65% of divorces are a result of infidelity and then ends with only a handful are not. I don't know what a hadnful is but I think it is less than 35%.