traicionado,

If WW is competitive with golf, then she is allowing her emotions to express that competitiveness. Those emotions, which can be extremely strong, may be what she needs to replace her emotions for OM. Plus golf takes time. It is beautiful out there on the course, well at least when you have grass and not sand. It serves as a time and activity distraction for gemela. I would venture that the OM does not cross her mind when she plays golf. I would welcome her playing golf. As far as you playing with gemela last night, let DD2 cry. She will be fine. I know it is difficult to witness but sometimes it must be done if you and gemela are to have recreation time together.

DD’s both know something is amiss. Kids are like emotional sponges. The best way to help DD is for you and gemela and you to grow back together. The best way for y’all to grow back is to spend recreational time together. Talking surely doesn’t seem to get you anywhere.

We do have a grass course. I believe it is 71.4 slope rating. It is very difficult and there is almost no margin for error. We have almost no rough. Balls off the fairway are a waste of time to look for 80% of the time.

Gemela is playing once and sometimes twice a day. Good for her. She is meeting new women and making new friends. She played in a tournament yesterday and went to lunch with the ladies afterward.

If I promise DD2 I am going to do something, I won't break that promise to go play golf with gemela. DD2 will remember that if I do. I also need to instill in my DDs' that keeping promises is important. Tough balance but I have to keep my promises - just like I am keeping my marriage vow to gemela. It doesn't matter how big or how small - a promise is a promise.

Gemela could have called me and asked if I wanted to play. When she first told me about it I was worried about the DDs and how it would affect them. I was pretty stern with DD1 in explaining to her why we were going out for a little. She is stubborn.

If gemela had wanted to play, she could have picked me up from work and saved me 30 minutes. She could have NOT sent DD2 to the friend's house which cost me another 20 minutes to go pick her up. She might have delivered Easter baskets during the day which is what she told me she had planned to do but instead cost me another 10 minutes since I had to do it. Okay I don't think she had any responsibility for breaking the bicycle but you never know. It was just an afternoon where everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I lost an hour and a half between end of work and the tee time that could have been saved. It was poor planning and if we could have had time together as a family that afternoon, I don't think DD1 would have objected. I think she felt neglected and she may have been somewhat justified. Playing golf was not the problem - it was a culmination of a lot of extenuating factors and all resulted in a fiasco. And gemela suffered the consequences - not me. I also don't want to put too much importance on this because I think it was just a pebble on this very long road I am on. Not even a bump really - just that popping noise the pebble makes when it hits the tire.




Sad but too true.

Hmm…. For some reason, I pictured a sandy course with grass bunkers. Don’t know why.

I guess I misunderstood (again) your story and progression. I thought you were supposed to play golf with gemela and didn’t because DD2 pitched a fit for you to stay. Sorry.

Question: do you now feel like a golf widower?

How did gemela suffer the consequences?

It really annoys me when people read only what they want to into a post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (...ducking...) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Gemela wanted to play because she was so pumped about how well she had played that morning. She could think of nothing more than getting back out onto the course - and did think of nothing else as it turned out. We have kids and we have to plan these things a little bit. We can't just drop everything and run off and do what we want whenever we want. Would be nice but just not possible.

She suffered because all she could think about all day was playing great and she played horribly. All she had thought about all day was ruined. That was not my fault. I sent her away with a smile and a kiss. We got in no argument whatsoever over the incident - before or after.

Have you talked to gemela about your frustration?

Don't you read what you write?

Seriously, I didn't place that much importance on it and when gemela got back that night we did talk enough that I could explain to her why I did not want to haul DD2 to the golf course after I had promised we would watch Bear in the Big Blue House.

I did not talk to her about the friend's house, Easter baskets, etc. I just said that it was really rushed that afternoon and left it at that. I was not frustrated with gemela - I was frustrated with DD1. On the other hand, I can see her POV. I was disappointed in gemela for not deciding to come home (as previously mentioned) but I got over it. There is no hidden resentment here. DD1 dug herself into a hole she could not find a way out of. I gave her a solution that was as fair as possible to all involved. Gemela got to play golf which is what she wanted. DD1 got to go to the golf course which is mostly what she wanted (she wanted me to be there too). DD2 got to stay home and watch the DVD which is what she wanted. I didn't really get what I wanted but I did have a good time until DD2 asked me if I could break the TV so she could go inside and play in the Blue House. It is 55" so everything is her size. the thing that concerns me is that she might take a hammer to the TV when I am not around.

LA,



Are you refering to my post about commenting about gemela obsessing about golf?

Are you wondering about how many times the word "about" can be used correctly in a sentence? I know I am.

My comment about obsession was in my post here - not to gemela. I would never say that to her. Well, may not "never". When the number of pairs of golf shoes goes above 20, I reserve the right to say something.

Don't have much time because I have to go to work.

IMHO, it is OK for you to CHECK UP ON GEMELA, check her calls, her swimsuits etc. And you should continue to do it because SHE IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY YET

But it's not OK to ask her! Why do you believe you can trust what she SAYS? You shouldn't. So don't torture her like that.
Don't trust her, you shouldn't even EXPECT to trust her and she shouldn't expect you to trust her. Trust takes a long time to get back.

In the meantime Gemela will be feeling a terrible pressure to try to be trustworthy "fakely" because it's not what she wants or feels: it's a condition you've set. She's trying to meet a condition.

Don't have tme now, but I'll try to write in spanish what I mean and post later.

cc46,

Please don't be late for work and PLEASE don't do any crocheting or knitting while you are there. It could have negative consequences. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

traicionado,

How many days have you been taking AD's? Obviously not twenty yet...

T, you made me laugh!

I didn't do any knitting or crocheting but I swear I have on other jobs! Actually I did needlepoint once because there was nothing to do!

Anyway, I actually worked and because I had to stay longer than I planned (one of those on my side had a locksmith come and change the key of my new office) I've had to run all day! But I worked. It's a peaceful kind of work, surrounded by music. Since I'm alone, every now and then I sing out loud and dance! It was a beautiful day too.

Anyway, I notice certain unrest among the people... but nothing definite has happened yet. I'm still in charge although I didn't give them any orders today. I hope to be relieved tomorrow of my duties.. This is a bit dangerous.

Anyway, all in all it was a GOOD day.

I also gave the priest my questions so that he thinks about them and prays and then I will be able to close my "religious divorce" thread with some kind of ending.

How are you today?

Yesterday was a really bad day. I still don't understand exactly why. It seems that yet again when I was doing everything with the best of intentions, it all went horribly wrong. So much so that last night I was ready to end it and told gemela that. It was not a good night.

It all started when gemela called me at noon so excited about how well she had played and how disappointed that she played alone so nobody was there to see how well she scored. Even though I had said I didn't want to play yesterday evening and wanted instead to watch Narnia with the DDs, I told gemela to get us a tee time so we could play together to let her have a witness.

Unfortunately she got a tee time that made me leave work early. Although people do that here all the time - I don't. I hate it. It goes against my very nature. I went. I was starving because I had not eaten since 4:00AM (12 hours earlier but that is another story). I was in a hurry to get to the tee so I could eat and then warm up. Gemela got angry that I told her to hurry up. But she doesn't say she is angry. She just folds her arms and stops talking. As always. If she had just told me to shut up and she would come when she was ready, everything would have been fine. She didn't. It wasn't.

We are both still hurting this morning but we did talk for about 20 minutes and agree we are going to try to get past this.

In hindsight, a series of unfortunate circumstances all came together at exactly the wrong time. Then we both resorted to past behaviors that have proven to be problematic and couple this with our (her) total lack of desire or ability to communicate - recipe for disaster - and it was. I am going to take 4 or 5 AD's today. I think I need a boost.

How did gemela respond when you told her you were ready to end it?

How many days have you been taking AD's?

She was upset and crying and said it had never occurred to her that we might end it - she only wanted to resolve the particular problem we had and that was all.

This morning I called after she dropped me off. DD1 answered and said Mom was out running. She finally called and I asked how she was doing. She sounded pretty good. Don't let cc46 know this but I told her that I was afraid she had gone out running to a telephone. She said no she hadn't. She said that wouldn't resolve anything. i said that was a big difference because a few weeks ago she didn't feel that way. She said that a lot of time has passed since then and now she doesn't see the point. She was sincere BTW when she said this.

Sounds like she is putting the A behind her and I am not. This all gets back to the fact that we simply don't communicate about our feelings. She may be getting better but I don't know she is getting better. I get impatient and frustrated. Well, you know the story.

Look, I am going to block myself from my own thread so just keep your 2x4's in the woodshed. I am having a really bad day and I just don't want to think about this right now.

traicionado,

What is wrong? I merely asked a question. Sorry. I will not post for a while. You are much too touchy right now.

T, I see you lurking and I don't think it's even possible to block yourself from yourself. Actually that raises interesting philosphical questions. If you block yourself from yourself do you still exist?

Anyway, no big sticks from me, you're not going backwards, you're going forwards. I've been there, done all this. It's a rollercoaster. It's how you handle it now (ie if you're getting impatient and frustrated NOW is the time to start talking) that will make all the difference. You're allowed to admit your feelings - in fact I think it's essential you admit your feelings but in a non love busting way.

Yes well I merely asked a simple question last week about odds of success and look where I have landed. I am sure all they asked in Guyana was "Hey, want some kool-aid?". Simple questions can have complicated answers.

The problem is not you ToddAC - the problem is me and I know it. I am mad at ME. No, I am disappointed in ME. No, I HATE ME!

hmm...er....uh...[cough]...[clearing throat]

Traic...

There is nothing to hate in you. Nothing to be disappointed about. Your humanness will save your marriage...your expectations are working against it. You can do this. With each lapse, there is the saving grace of the next morning, coming, anyway...and that reassures both of you of previous fears of dealbreakers...

Open your mouth and share...just like Kiwi says (and she made me spit take on her post)...for you. As you.

LA

Yes, and so you should be clearing your throat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

T, now I get it. You are very, very like Bob Pure. In business, projects have a beginning and an ending. They have bad results and they have good results but they're logical and they follow a plan.

This can't be handled like a business project. Honestly, if you had seen my H and I before we finally settled down and got on with recovering. It was an emotional wreckage. It was a bomb site. It was a train wreck.

I personally think you are doing just fine and it sounds like Gemela is doing much better too. "Getting it" a bit more.