<BR>Hi All,<P>Well, I had this thread all formed in my mind about H and then he called as I was writing it....so I had to go back and delete and start over!! UGH!!!<P>I was very upset last nite...H called and we got pretty testy with each other. He's been cold and just basically MR HYDE for a couple of weeks. Last week he came by for some winter clothes and I asked him is he had plans for this upcoming weekend. It's our 10th Anniversary today and I wanted to acknowledge it with him in some way. He said he had to work (LIE - he forgets that I have his schedule!!) and I said no you don't. Why he asked and I said I wanted to go to dinner and talk.<P>My God, with the "are you from Mars" look he gave me...I knew how "gone" he was from his old life!! He asked "Do you think that's a good idea?" "why not?" I replied. He was sorta dumbfounded and couldn't answer...I let him off the hook by saying "Let me know".<P>Didn't hear from him til last nite....He called cuz I had messaged him about some mail he had here. My Mom had called with some bad news about my favorite Uncle and H noticed that something was wrong through my voice - I guess, cuz he asked me..told him about Uncle (cancer in lungs, etc. was found...this is the same Uncle who had a stroke just after hearing about me and H's impending divorce!) and his response was "AAAH, he's in the grave!!!"<P>Such compassion amazes me!!!<P>To top that one, he proceeds to tell me that his Mom asked if the divorce was finally over yet!! Yes, she's such a supportive and caring woman!! He seemed to be as ticked about her comment as I was....then he says that she said "You're not reconsidering are you?" What a piece of work!!! No wonder why H is messed up with that example all his life!!!<P>Anyway, I asked him about this weekend and he hemmed and hawed and I could tell was very conflicted....so once again, I offered an easier route for him!!<BR>I said how about Breakfast with me in the morning (for today) and he said OK.....then we got into a few testy topics and by the end of the conversation - he said that he would call me if things changed as far as breakfast. <P>Well, he didn't call and he didn't come over.....I paged him even!!! (Yeah, stupid - I know!!) So I went to breakfast by myself!!!!! Happy F@!*ng Anniversary to me!!!!<P>Now, he calls.....says that he supposes that it's too late for breakfast!!! DUH!!! Told him I went myself and he apologized...said that he had just woken up.<P>Here comes the Whack-A-Doodling....Look out!!<P>Starts talking about how he can't sleep and he's burnt out, etc....<P>I asked if he meant from work and he said "No, it's the only thing I enjoy in my life!!!" <P>He talked about all sorts of things like this and is coming over soon if he can pull himself out of bed!!! Sounds depressed....<P>I just don't know how to react anymore!!!! I was so upset last nite that I actually considered things pretty much over and done...he's just too far gone!! <P>Then he goes and gets normal on me again......Where does this leave me now!!!<P>How to get through the wall he's built with the arm hole in it that he uses when he feels like grabbing and holding on to me?<P>Please, any advice?<P>Thanks.....<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

No answers, but I do wish you well on your anniversary. I went through my 16th alone in June. Good going through with taking yourself out for breakfast. Be kind to yourself all weekend.

Yup, you put it well. I'll think. If comes over before I'm done thinking be careful.<P>On the chance he is reaching some kind of breakthough, be ready to listen, but personally detatch yourself and your relationship from whatever he says. What may seem like a small baby step to you may be huge for him. <P>It is unlikely he is coming to reconcile although whatever he shares may be the first step in being honest with himself which may in fact lead to reconciliation.<P>Resist the urge to fix things for him or let him off the hook. Just let him talk and feel the full range of his feelings and the natural consequences of his behavior.<P>Encourage him to look at his life and make good choices...but do this respectfully.<P>Wrap up a little arsinic (spelling again), tie it with a bow and have him take it to his mom.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Oh by the way, Happy Anniversary!<P>

OK...don't seem to be thinking of anything else. Don't let him yank your chain.

1Co:13:13: And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Sheba Dear friend!!!<BR>That man is going to drive you nuts and then you and I will have to go to an asylum instead of a convent!!!!!<BR>I've been eligible for both for quite some time.<BR>You are doing great girl. Don't try to figure him out - it's impossible.<BR>Acceptance is my key. Do what we can do and leave the rest to a higher power.<BR>If either one of us ever figured out our H ourpurpose on earth would be done. <P>

Mrs. Whack-a-doodle, <P>I'd be confused too. His mom sounds like my inlaws!!! No wonder he is a Whack-a-doodle...<P>Well, you need to have a toast to you for your 10th anniversary.<P>Here's to Sheba, and to her quest to re-build her marriage - those ole' 2x4's just aint what they used to be.<P>Cheers.<BR>TNT

Hi All -<P>Thanks for the well wishes, advice and encouragement.......<P>Just a little update....He didn't come over. Guess he stayed in bed til time for work. That's OK, though...I had told him that maybe he needed to get a little more sleep since he had tossed and turned most of the night. I'm sure he will come by within the next couple of days.<P>The scary and sad part is that I had wanted him to be in this "normal" mode when I saw and spoke with him. Now who knows which personality he will have when I do see him!!!<P>I have to leave a message for him later about a message he received on our answering machine and I would like your opinions as to whether I should say anything about our Anniversary and that I loved him that day and now, etc. What do you think? What would you say?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>

I would. I would paint a great visual like "I loved you so much when we were dancing at our reception after everyone had left. We had such great hopes for the future. I still love you, today, you know. No matter what has happened, I still love you as my husband and still believe we could have a great future. Happy Anniversay.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi, Sheba. Happy Anniversary. Ours is the 12th of October. He's not here. Haven't heard a word since Sat. night, but I'm gonna send a card, a present and all my love - everything but me in a big ole bow!!!!<P>Good luck when you talk to him. Your patience always amazes me!!<P>Lori

You guys, this is exactly what I would do. Wish him the happiest day with the fondest memories.<P>Guys are sentimental, too. <P>TNT

Hi ladies -----<P>Well, I called and left the messages.<P>I did OK, I guess.<P>I wrote it all out first cuz you gotta talk kind of fast on machines!!<P>I made a little boo-boo and got off track cuz I was thinking that it might be sounding like I was reading it....so, it got a little hesitant in the middle someplace.....that's OK!!<P>I feel better having acknowledged the day and that is what counts!!<P>Now I have an interesting thing to tell you all - especially you : TNT!!<P>You know how we've been talking about rings - with Chris' thread and all?<P>Well, last night when I was so upset, I knelt down and prayed my little heart out about all this mess....the final act of handing it ALL over to God.<P>I woke up this morning very calm and relaxed...I had had a dream. Usually I have always been able to remember my dreams...very vividly and entirely. Since the separation - I have not remembered my dreams at all - not even an inkling of if I had one or not!!<P>This dream I did not remember in it's entirety or at all UNTIL I walked into the bedroom and stood in front of the dresser mirror. Hanging off the mirror are my rings on a chain intertwined with a crucifix on another chain. Before I touched anything I heard a "clink" and looked over....lo and behold - the chain with the rings had fallen onto the bureautop. <P>There was no way this could possibly happen...the two chains were literally twisted (intertwined) together....couldn't separate without someone taking them apart......Kind of scary!!!<P>Then it hit me.....in my dream A voice said to put on my rings!!!!!<P>That's all I remember of the dream although I "feel " that there was more.<P>How spooky is that!!!!<P>Needless to say I am wearing my rings!!<P>Happy, TNT???? You did that didn't you? C'mon - 'fess up!!!! LOL!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited September 30, 1999).]

Happy anniversary. I celebrated my 27th 2 weeks after he left. I decided not to try to even guess what is going on in my H's head, or I would be a permanent member in the looney bin. I have enough trouble figuring out my own head. Guess that is why we are here to figure out our heads without going completely bonkers. Hope you have a better day then I did, I was finishing moving and cleaning my house to be sold. O'well.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

SDS, I know that is hard selling your house.<P>This board has saved my sanity - or did it? I often wonder if I am already bonkers...<P>Hmmmmmm.

Sheba -- I really wish I could tell you something profound. Something which would remove the pain, and confusion which is in your heart and mind. I wish I could do so many things . . . <P>You will be in my prayers.<P>God Bless

Hi Sheba,<BR>Happy anniversary hon. I am about the last person I know who should be giving advice but I was thinking about you today. I don't know anything about OW in your case but I feel that maybe the new is wearing off her. I found that when I cried H was angry, if I questioned he was angry, if I didn't perform like the Villiage Idiot, he was angry. I had done nothing wrong yet I was being punished every minute of every day. It isn't easy being sweet when I want to scream at him. But I have made up my mind that before I'm through with him he will wonder how he could have ever been mean to me. I am on a quest to endear myself to him.......I am cautious......I may never trust him again......but I feel more in control than I have in almost 2 years. I want him to feel the comfort of unconditional love...........in hopes that he will grow in it. If not.......what was I doing but crying for him anyway. I think about you every day Sheba, you were so good to talk when I needed encouragement. I pray that he will soon see why he is unhappy. I am always telling God thankyou for the newest revelation. I know He knows why I have to go through this and maybe someday I will know. God bless you Sheba.<BR>Love, Karen<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

Sheba, I'm sorry you have to be alone on your 10th Anniversary, too... I know how much it sucks, just had mine 9/9.<P>Yours sounds a lot like mine did in the early days of this roller coaster ride. You can't figure him out - but I know you will try - I am still trying, too!<P>Hope your day went well!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

Sheba,<BR> <BR> it is now offical, he is a wak-a-doodle indeed !<P> You did good, I spent mine and Mikes 8th and 9th w/o him. He was busy with wildebeast.<P> Who know maybe he will recieve a divine kick in the rump, we an ask for one, yes ?<P> God does use dreams to reach us sometimes.<BR> It is a strange feeling when you realize this is what's going on. At least it is for me, beause it lets me know that He (God) cares so muh for me He will take the time to send me a dream and that or that peace that surpasses understanding.<P> Just remember it is only beause of Gods grace and you being willing to wait and work for your marriage that your 10 anniversary happened at all, it could have been an anniversary of your divorce date. <P> I am proud to call you friend<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Sheba,<BR>Sorry to hear about lousy aniversary, mine's next Fri(16 yrs). You've always provided me with very good advice.<BR>Hate to ask, but have you planned B'd him. As you say everytime you talk to him he drives you nuts, maybe its time to distance yourself. Stop contacting him about "things" start letting him be responsible for his own things, start moving on.<BR>I'm not saying give up on him, I'm reading(maybe too much into) that you are trying to hold on too tightly and that is not allowing him to grow up and putting you through h@@@.<BR>I'm going thru the same thing as my w and I look at reconciliation. My w is telling me how terrible the om treated her and how he made her feel, as if I never went thru any of it my self. I want to tell her I don't want I don't want to hear it but I guess I have too.<BR>Try to give yourself space from h. If he is as wacked out as it seems from your threads whay exposure yourself to that(I know, you still love him, but!)?<BR>Hang in there and take care of YOURSELF!!!!