I am in desperate need of help. My wife and I have been having problems for about two months now. I feel that this started when she made some new friends at work. I admit that I have plenty to blame for what is going on now, but I just need help coping with this and possibly some suggestions on how to get my wife back.
My wife was fired for no fault of her own a few months back. She was in therepy while working there because her boss was abusive to her. I tried comfortting her to help her get through this tough time. I hate admitting it, but I liked her being at home to clean up. I don't like doing household chores and I shy away from them as much as possible. Besides, I needed to concentrate on work since we have three mortgages to pay for.
I work at least 50 miles away from home and deal with California traffic every morning. I have at least an hour to get to work in the morning and well over an hour to get home in the evenings. I would be pretty stressed and downright tired when I would get home. I would do minor things around the house like wash the dishes and fold laundry from time to time, but that was about it. My wife would concentrate on keeping the house clean, pets fed and find work. For me, it was a pretty nice arrangement, but I have to say that I didn't put in my part around the house.
When she finally found a work after being without a job for about one month, she immediately told me that I didn't do enough around the house. Although I tried to deny it as much as possible, I knew she was right. I would get home from work, eat, then sit my butt down on the couch with the TV on and my computer on my lap playing games. Not exactly husbandly.
When it would come down to the household chores, I would try to weasel my way out of it as much as possible even though I know she was right, but my wife has a strange way with words. Sometimes she will say something to me and I'm not sure if she is purposely trying to get under my skin or if she didn't realize what it is that she said. Many times, it is not even what she says, but how she says it that for some reason just doesn't rub me right.
I guess I would use my computer as a way to escape from listening to some of her comments. She would then tell me that I wasn't spending enough time with her and to get off the computer. I found it difficult to do that on many occasions mostly because I didn't want to talk to her after some of the things she told me. On a number of occasions before our problems started, she would ready herself and dress in some nice lingerie before coming to get me. But that just really didn't do it for me after arguing a while earlier.
I want to make it clear, that sex with my wife is amazing, that is, once we get to the sex. Most of the time it's a bunch of silly noises and her pushing me away telling me not to touch her in certain places. So I would then ask for her to tell me or show me what she wanted, but she couldn't do that. I don't mind exploring to find what she likes, as a matter of fact, I really like it, but it's the extent to which she takes it that gets a little old. I love pleasing my wife, but when I try, she doesn't let me. Then when I want to be tended to, she wants the attention back on her. I just can figure her out.
Anway, this went on for a couple of weeks, and then she began going out with the new friends she made at work. At first I thought it was great because she was feeling better about herself and we had less arguements, but then things started going sour when she started staying out late and not returning my phone calls. It really bother's me that she goes out without me, but I lead her to believe it is fine so I don't sound too controlling. I honestly don't like to do something of things she does which is why I don't join her. Clubs, bars, concerts. In my eyes, those are all fine when you are single, but when you get married, it is time to cut that out. I just believe that those venues are filled with pretencious B.S.
We got too far ahead of ourselves and are now having financial trouble which adds to all the problems. I pay all the bills in the house and have been stuggling for months just to stay afloat let alone pay for all the necessities. Which leads me to the proverbial straw that's breaking this camel's back. I was pulled over for expired registration and my car was impounded due to no insurance and an expired driver's license because of unpaid tickets. My wife likes to blame this one on me also because when we refied, she believes I spent all the left over money.
To add insult to injury, my wife revealed to me that she began smoking weed and cigarettes. I blame her friends, but who knows. That tidbit of information plus all the other insults she through at me, I lost my cool and had to leave the house so I wouldn't say anything I would regret. When I returned about 45 minutes later, as soon as I saw her, the same feelings game back and I went straight to our bedroom to avoid going overboard. She walked into the room and asked if I was okay, but I couldn't answer. If I would have, I probably would have told her off.
She left the house and didn't come back for several hours. I didn't know what to do. So many thoughts were running through my head. I felt like I was going to have nervouse breakdown. I did everything wrong from this point. I called her mother and told her everything I felt. I called her father and did the same thing. I then called her friends. I just wanted to talk to someone. I finally called my health insurnace company and found a counselor to talk to who was able to calm me down for a while.
When my wife got home, she went to the guest bedroom to avoid me. I left our room and went to talk to her. I said something to get her attention, but I don't remember what it was. I just wanted to talk to her and for her to tell me that she would stop the smoking. She started with the insults again. From this point, I scrwed everything up. I threatend a divorce even though I didn't want it. She laughed at me and said that I would never leave her over something like that. I just couldn't get a favorable reaction from her. I then lied and said I had cheated on her. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just wanted to see if she cared or not. Nothing from her reaction told me she cared. She could have screamed at me, thrown things at me, hit me. I wouldn't have cared because I would have known she cared to be that upset. I know it's twisted.
I couldn't continue the lie and finally broke down and told her the truth, but by that time, she didn't believe me. Now show really thought that I was lying. What a mess I have put myself into.
I don't know how I got to work that week. I believe she dropped me off. Since then I have been living at my parent's house during the week and if I'm lucky, going home on the weekend. I don't even have keys to my own house. Since all this happened, her friend from work has moved into the house and is now paying rent. I am stuck living out of a suit case having my mommy take me to work.
Last weekend, we had moments of clarity and times of confusion. She stayed out late Saturday and we argued that morning. She said she didn't love me the same way, but that she still loved me. I said that if she is going to leave me that I don't ever want to see her or talk to her because it is too hard. I admitted that I was grasping for straws to save what we have and told her that I was willing to go to marriage couselling to work this out. Later Sunday morning, we went to Newport Beach where we got married and we had what I believe was a great time. We talked, laughed and everything was great. Heck, we even kissed. I haven't felt her lips like that in two months.
Today she was supposed to pick me up at work and never showed up. If I didn't have a cell phone, no one would have picked me up. I did a bit of investigative work and found out that she went to a pre-oscar party and left me stranded.
I don't know what more to say. I know I have screwed up and made plenty of mistakes along the way, but I will do anything to put this right. I have been having anxiety attacks for nearly a month now. I'll be happy one minute, then the next minute my eyes are watering up. I am having trouble at work now because of all this.
For the time being, I want to overlook all the problems I have with her. I just want to put things back in order the way they were. The way they should be. I'm lost right now and need some help from anyone. I almost want to email this to her to show her how much I miss her and want to work at fixing our marriage, but I'm sure that would be another mistake.
Please help.
