I posted a couple of weeks ago and I since found out that he had not ended the A for long if at all. I had an individual session with Steve and he suggested that I expose to anyone who could influence WH. Well I've thought and thought and no one comes to mind. He has no close friends and no respect for anyone in his family. Work is out of the question because it won't matter. The only ones who may even hold the slightest bit of influence are people in my family who he refuses to see or talk to. He then told me to go to a pretty quick plan B if he files for divorce or separation.

I exposed to WH what I knew and he denied it at first but backed down when I confronted him with the GPS info. He was not mad but I told him it was her or me. He said her but now he's threatening all kinds of crap if I tell anyone. I told him that the only people that for sure need to know are our kids. I won't lie to them about this. He spewed some stuff about me trying to be right all the time but I just ignored that. He talks like he doesn't want anyone to know but he really does not respect the opinions of his family at all. He has pulled away from all of our/his friends. He says he doesn't want the family to know so that they will like the new woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I wonder what he's worried about? hmmmmm? The fact that she's a homewrecker? I stuck to my guns about the kids and said he was the one to do this so he had to deal with the mess he created. I won't lie for him to them or anybody else. Of course telling me he's going to do it and actually doing it are two different things so I may have a fence sittin cake eater for a while till I can't take it anymore and go to a plan B.

He wants a divorce and I'm not sure any more what I want. Our marriage was not storybook by any means. He constantly picked on me and put me down. If he could change and be the loving man he was before we married, then I would want him. The only reason that I am holding onto even a little bit of still wanting to try is our kids. How do you know if you want to fight to save a marriage that was not so great before the affair and now he just wants out and out fast? I think I would feel a lot of relief it it was just over. This is too upsetting for anyone to handle.

Have you told the kids? What are their ages? How about his family? Does he work with the OW?
JE

All marriages - by definition - are stinky before the affair.

They are 13, 12, and 7. No I haven't told them yet but they know we are fighting and upset. He works in the same building as the OW but not with her. It is a big place. I already asked at HR and they said there was no company policy about office affairs. They said that as long as it doesn't effect the quality of the work that it does not matter. I have not told his family because I don't know that it would matter to him what they think. He has real different views on life than they do. He thinks he's better than his family.

That just makes them all the better exposure target because he can't walk around all high and mighty in front of them anymore and they are more likely to cast "judging" eyes upon him.

The MB plan is expose to them all...even his co-workers. You never know where support is going to come from and the more "eyes" upon the infidels the more uncomfortable they become.

As far as the marriage being bad and getting out anyway...well right now may not be the best time for you to make that decision. You were advised to do a quick Plan A, expose and then a quick Plan B. When and if you get say 2 or 3 months into Plan B, then you may have a reached a place where YOU can make a peaceful and non-emotional decision that it's time to end your marriage. Just put the decision off a couple months and don't think about. Prepare and execute your plan, accept uncertainty and allow the chips to fall as they may.

You've got nothing to lose. On one hand you may recover and build a wonderfully successful "rebuilt" marriage based upon MB principles (like me and many others herein) and on the other you may lose a man you already have doubts about and in a couple of months those doubts will or will not be verified (like some others here).

What's a couple months? ...as long as you learn to counter and not internalize the fog babble.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Jackie...

He would not be threatening anything if exposure didn't matter...Exposure is ruinous to affairs...it allows the infidels to see themselves through the eyes of others...kills the fantasyworld that they have created...

He is actually telling you that what his family thinks does matter...he wants them to "like" her...HE CARES...His family are INDEED prime exposure targets...EXPOSE TO THEM!!!

Next DO expose to your friends, your family...and what about the OW...expose her anywhere and everywhere that you can...so she won't get fired from her job...imagine the embarrassment alone...same for your husband...

Exposure should all be done in one fell swoop...that will create the most chaos possible for the affair...plus, your H will be RAGING mad, (that's okay, he'll get over it...all WSes do)anyway, you may as well get the "most bang for your buck", if you will...

Jackie, EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR...even your husband instinctively knows the damage that exposure will do to it...he is begging you to help him keep their "dirty little secret"...DO NOT become a co-conspirator to his infidelity by aiding in it's cover-up...EXPOSE!

Mrs. Wondering

Whoa! & this A makes him a whole lot better!!




That is so true!! Mine was from WH's viewpoint & mine. But that didn't mean I did not love my H. That does not give the spouse a "right" to seek fulfillment of their needs outside of the M.

I bet exposing to his family will have more of an effect than you think. He is just saying that SO you won't expose!

Kim

btw,

He WILL be hoping mad, say you've crossed the line and nothing you say or do can fix this marriage, blah, blah, blah. It's all textbook WS.

Don't worry...conflict in a marriage is actually a step up from withdrawal. He'll get over or not...not your problem nor your fault. Just don't buy a word of it and don't regret exposing it because YOU took action and should be proud of yourself.

Now quickly read up on some "Exposure" threads and figure out what you need and want to say. We can discuss this forever, but, the real courage is in doing it...get on with your bad a$$ self.

Mr. W

It's been a rough few weeks. I did expose to a couple of family members. They were not happy with him but didn't feel like it was their business to interfere. I have a few more in mind that I could expose to and I was thinking of doing like an intervention so he would have to listen or leave the house.

He is only home on weekends now and after I confronted him with the new info he wanted a divorce. I told him that was his choice but I refused to lie to anyone for him ever including the children. I told him I would tell the kids as soon as papers were filed. Well in a few days he backed down and asked for going to a marriage counselor. I said ok and we've been a few times.

The counseler told him he couldn't have contact with the OW and he balked on that because they work together and he says there's no way he's giving up his career over this. I just shut my mouth and let the MC handle it. Then at the next session he said the only reason he was doing the counseling was so that I wouldn't tell the kids. He got real mad when I told him they were going to know if we got a divorce anytime in the next few years. He found out about a bunch of legal stuff and I thought he was going to chew the inside of his head. He was furious and tried to make me into the bad guy over having alimony and getting half or more of our assets. The last time he was home he was screaming mad at me saying he was filing for a divorce and was going to take the kids and all that we own. I didn't even flinch because I met with two lawyers and I know the facts. Once again he calmed down and backed away from that threat and told me that he's not seeing her anymore when he's up there.

I still don't believe him at all-not a little bit and I plan to hire a PI in a few weeks to see if my gut is right. I think he's still seeing her because he got really mad when I said I would fight for my kids not to be around her because she is less than an ideal person morally. She has a very bad past history including all sorts of work in the adult entertainment industry. We live in a fairly good ole boy place and my lawyer said the judge would not take that lightly. He said I couldn't stop the kids from being around her if he marries her but I could tell the kids and warn them all about her. When I told WH about this-he blew up and spewed hatred everywhere. He apparently has this fantasy of bringing her into his family and around the kids and playing happy new family. Sorry-I won't let that happen.
I asked about fighting for sole custody but the lawyer said it probably wouldn't happen.


Then either I will expose to more people and possibly do the intervention thing or I will just file. I'm sick of this whole mess. He is going back and forth between being super sweet and just hateful to me over everything. He's wanting to come home and be the fun time boy with the kids every weekend and he doesn't want me to come along for the fun stuff. He even told me to go away with some of my friends on the weekend so he could spend quality time with the kids. I was so mad I just about told him if that was what he wanted then we could get a divorce and he could see them every other weekend. I didn't though-I just said that was stupid and we needed to focus on being a family.

I think I'm about out of love and I don't know if I have the will to go on. I know what I'm about to say might earn me a 2x4 but there's a man who has helped me with some of the spy stuff that I met during this and he is very nice. I wouldn't go out with him or anything else but he told me that my husband was a fool to not do anything to hang on to someone as loving, beautiful, smart, and loyal as I was. He said that he would like to go out with me if and only if we got a divorce. Now he's emailed me and I did send a friendly email back. As I said before, I won't even see him again but it is really tempting to. It's so hard to have my WH telling me that I am the reason he had an affair and he wants a divorce and the only reason he's thinking about saving our marriage is for the kids. He won't even commit to doing what it takes-he only wants to think about it. Then on the other side I have this nice man who has unknowingly filled my biggest emotional need-admiration who obviously has some morals and wouldn't date me until I was divorced. I feel like I need to try for my kids but my love bank has been shot full of holes and my love for my husband that is left is pouring out at a rapid pace.

I spend most of my time being angry and then sad. The sadness keeps passing faster and being less intense and the anger is lasting longer and being more intense. I don't want to make any decisions when I'm mad but I don't know how long I can stay in plan A. Any advice or just a 2x4?

Where do they work together and why have you not exposed them at work?

He has likely told everyone at work that you two are separated and/or divorcing. That you know about OW and are OK with it. It is a piercing moment when you expose him at work. Maybe he or she will actually get fired. Imagine that. The lost income is no comparison to the destruction of your family and it is a CONSEQUENCE of his actions.

BTW, counseling when a WS is in an active affair is usually pointless. Around here we call it divorce counseling. WS gets to spout off about all the things you did or are doing wrong and then walk away saying "see I tried". It's a waste of money until you break up the affair and move through withdrawal.

Further, if this man your talking too were so morally upright he'd not even indicate those things to you at all after hearing about your marital problems. Nor would he being following it up with emails. He is preying upon your vulnerability, no respectable man interferes in another man's marriage so overtly. If he'd said, you seem nice...gimme a call when your divorced that's one thing but to stroke your fragile ego and email you that is over the top. BE CAREFUL. Additionally, any infidelity on your part can be used against you in court...even if it's just a friendship. Photo's of you off with another man can be telling, EVEN if nothing physical is going on. Don't not discuss your marital issues with anyone of the opposite sex unless they are related.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

Yes they work together but I am a stay at home mom and if we lose his income-we are in big trouble. I'm just not willing to go there unless I absolutly HAVE to. Not saying I won't ever if necessary, but it would be a last resort. They are in the same building but don't work side by side. No he's not said anything at work because we have a mutual friend there and I know a lot of what is going on. He would also lose out on the company paying for his hotel every week that he travels up there and they would make him move if we were divorcing. They are only letting him commute/paying for his hotel because we need to live in the city we are in for one of our children's medical needs. So I know he's not said a thing at work.

I know the counseling is a joke but he listened to the counselor about the no contact outside of work which has limited face to face contact-it's mostly emails and such with her name on them. Even though the counseling is a joke, I can't very well tell him I won't go at all. He is saying once again he's not seeing her while he's up there but like I said, I do not trust him at all.

I will hire a PI to check it out in a few weeks and see how things go. I have noticed he's trying to talk to me more and is making an effort to be nicer. It's not enough to make me believe him or to even make me feel more love for him. I'm just disgusted with his behavior right now and I can't stand WH to be around.

Now if I find he's lied about it again, do I do the intervention type thing so he's forced to talk or do I just keep exposing to a wider and wider circle of people? I will expose at work if I must but I'd like that to be the last resort. It's my financial future and we have a child with extensive medical needs and we need that insurance coverage too. I know it's his own fault if it happens but if I can avoid it, I would rather avoid it.

As far as the friend I've made. He did make it perfectly clear in a very nice way that he would in no way see me or consider me as a possibility for him unless I decided on a divorce and the divorce was final. I can't give details but he's in the business of infidelity so to speak and he's got a really firm line in the sand about the whole situation. We have mostly talked business and he's mentioned that he was impressed with my devotion and dedication to saving my marriage. That's where the comment about my husband being a fool came from. I really don't know because we have mostly discussed the details of my situation that he needed to know to help me but, I am guessing he is divorced and his wife cheated on him. That is just a gut feeling because of the conversations we've had about how devastating betrayal is. I knew he was single but I only recently found out that he has a child and I am really just guessing. I did email him back about the business aspect he's helping me with and the only other topic was just small talk kind of stuff. I haven't heard anything else back. I will watch the situation carefully because I don't want my judgment clouded by an infactuation fog either. I must admit it is nice to know a man would be interested in me though. WH and H have both been pretty awful to me for a while now.

Is that another common thing BTW, to look back at your marriage at first and see the good and want to save it but as the affair rages on and WH is so awful to decide maybe it was not at all worth saving and you may be better off without your spouse? That's what I think is happening to me. I look back and I see all the flaws and the fights and the fault he had as well as my own and I have very little hope that he will change to make the marriage a great one.