COMMITTED TO HER...I think your post was lost in all these other posts.

You are a HERO in my eyes, a TRUE HERO.
Not only forgiving your wife and accepting this little
baby daughter as your own but also for being willing to sign in here and come to her defense.

Did you read the horrible way she was treated by Melody on this thread below that she started for your wife?

This should be read by all BEFORE DEFENDING Mel's 'advice'.

Click here: Mels posts to sfjaj

In case you missed this post by sfjaj's husband:

Poster: committedtoher
Subject: Re: MelodyLane

I am sfjaj husband. This was a difficult decision I made, to read much less post on this website. she had mentioned the site to me a few days ago, and my point of view was that my pain was my own private hurt and I did not relish an audience for that. As she was upset by comments made on the site, I spent much of last night reading several posts on the site and decided I needed to break my silence. Let me begin by saying I am in such a state of pain that some may say I'm in no position to offer any advice but I don't agree. It occurred to me while reading that each stage of recovery offers a unique point of view that can be helpful to people, whether it is the spouse who had the affair or the spouse who was betrayed or whether an individual is 2 hours out of recovery or 2 years out of recovery.

It seems to me that there are direct conflicts between those spouses that have been betrayed and those who had the A. The betrayed spouses seem to believe that their hurt is so profound and deep that those who have had affairs, particularly those just out of the mire, can offer no logic. Or as one poster said, "in a fog." As one who was betrayed, I certainly understand where you are coming from but that view is wrong! Those views can offer much to us.

I am not excusing my wife's (nor anyone else's) affair; it is the ultimate betrayal of wedding vows. But as I remember, I also vowed to treat my wife as Christ would treat the church and I most assuredly have broken that vow. How can any of us believe that we alone have All the answers?

We stumble, we fall. We help one another up. we do not help by using epithets, pointing blame or distorting the view.please think before you speak"

YES, I know he said this. I do remember this. I didn't mention this on my original thread, nor did I mention EVERYTHING Dr. Harley stated. My computer usage had nothing to do with the purpose of my thread last week.

My husband and I have made our decisions about me and my computer usage. He is well aware of what I do, and I have created the boundaries necessary to prevent having another online affair. I did reply to Dr. Harley in a 2nd email stating this to him.

I can't imagine that there's even a QUESTION that the OP's spouse should be notified about the A! OF COURSE they should be told!

To withhold that information from an unaware BS just so the WS or the aware BS won't be uncomfortable is incredibly selfish. Not to mention cowardly. Doing the right this isn't always easy...otherwise everyone would do it.

The recovery process is very hard, and frequently painful. It's chock full of opportunities to grow as a person by doing the right thing.

I appreciate Melody's commitment to the MB principals. She does not tiptoe around dishonesty or cowardice, and when you're dealing with affairs that's priceless! Granted, she can come across as harsh sometimes, and many people don't like her forthright writing style....but if that's the case, THEN USE THE "IGNORE" FEATURE!

I'm wouldn't ever say that newbies shouldn't post....that's not the case at all. However, I do think that they should be well informed of Dr. Harley's concepts before the try to advise other posters, else they may cause further damage to someone's M by giving bad (tho well-intentioned) advice.

And Myschae....you crack me up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lori

This is a direct quote from Dr. Harley's email to me:

Silly -- I went back and read it and I missed the "mean" that you're talking about. She was never mean.

We often have new posters give advice that is contrary to the MB principals. Its very easy to let your emotions take over and wander off the path of the proven PLAN you're trying to follow.

Mel simply tried to keep the original poster on the MB path, and to avoid getting caught up in the emotional decisions that new posters often support.

All anyone has to do to see that you toot a SERIOUS FOGHORN, GBH, and harbor some major hostility [the hallmarks of a FOGGED out mind] is read your most recent example from yesterday. It was a BEAUT! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2965371

[/quote]

What was the man supposed to SAY after you sent him an email telling him your H REFUSED or allow you to notify the OMW? You know what he told you in that call, 2BNormal. Did you expect him to say: hold a gun to his head??

Well, Lexxy, your definition of MEAN is different than mine, because I thought she was VERY MEAN to sfjaj.

I cannot imagine anyone talking like that to ANYONE in real life; hiding in a forum, and bashing away, is somehow acceptable?

Well, it is NOT acceptable to me.

Re-read what TEMPEST said about being respectful to others in our posts.

oh brother, if that is your idea of "mean," you clearly need counseling.

It is not disrespectful to disagree.

Hostility?? Serious foghorn??? I don't get it?? Didn't see any of that in the link you provided. Am I missing something here? I think not. I know exactly what's going on here.

I have to say, people like GBH show real strength coming here and getting bashed for something they did in the past. She's one of the good guys. She's not stuck over in TOW land.

What was the man supposed to SAY after you sent him an email telling him your H REFUSED or allow you to notify the OMW? You know what he told you in that call, 2BNormal. Did you expect him to say: hold a gun to his head?? [/quote]

MelodyLane,
I feel that you expect me to contact this woman against my H's wishes. I made a clear statement previously that I would not do that. I made a clear statement previously that I will stand by my H for the sake of my marriage. I made a clear statement that I agree that this woman needs to know the truth, but I need to stand by my H in his decision.

You seem to have a problem with me wanting to respect my husband. You seem to want me to keep convincing my husband to make the call. By, doing so, I feel it will hurt our marriage even more as these discussions about this with my H caused great harm already. There may come a time Mel, where he may feel convicted that this needs to be done. He read some of the posts here and did not agree at this time.

Please let this go. I let it go last week.

No, Lexxy, it is NOT disrespectful to disagree.

HOWEVER, ML may have some very good advice to give people but her delivery leaves a lot to be desired. You don't give advice with that condescending, "know it all" attitude that she posesses. I understand her defending the MB principles, but why be so nasty in delivering them? I don't get that. Does she actually believe that she can "get through" to 2B using that approach? She has great points; however, lacks tact, IMHO.

Funny you should be the one to mention this aspect.

After all,
That is ONE of the key reasons an "in the dark" BS deserves to KNOW the truth about thier LIFE and Marriage .......COMPASSION.

Majority of BS tend to get this instinctively .....some WS, not so much.

Very nice of you to at least begin to recognize that fact.
Hopefully your posts will begin to reflect this Understanding in the near future.

WHAT??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Acknowledging that exposure causes discomfort to FWW, and suggesting that FBS ask that his family treat FWW decently and without hostility means that I am fogged? I say it's a simple matter of treating someone as you would like to be treated. Your accusation that I am fogged because I suggested someone be treated decently makes it even more clear that you, ML, harbor nothing but bitterness and espouse said bitterness against any WS or FWS, regardless of circumstances.

Thank you ML for confirming my earlier assessment of you. You are a piece of work, I think we can all agree on that.

If you don't like what a poster has to say...
DON'T READ IT
AND
TAKE NO HEED OF WHAT THEY SAY>>>>

This posting she said he said is childlike....

AND
we are ALL guests here of one persons visions and program...

THIS is not a site..

do debate your personal broad general beliefs of what you agree with or disagree with with the owner of this board...

if you have accross the board general disagreements...take them and start your own board...

people that come here have the right to have access to the information as developed by its owner...not personal agendas...

though every situation can be should be and is looked at individual basis and thoughts expressed on what may be DIFFERENT if the case applies to typical principle...it must done with clearly indentifying that what you say is not and does not jive with the marriage builders principle points...


BUT this is NOT a place to push your own agenda...on every person....because you disagree with the owner..

in my opinion it is like going to an AA support board and pushing your belief that alcoholics can still drink here and there....and is disrespectful of the authors...

this is NOT to say that people don't have differences....
but this in NOT the place to always push those differences...

this never has been a support board...
this is a board that promotes the owners agenda...

be clear I am not saying that you HAVE to agree 1000000000% with all the principles here established within the marriage building process...I'm not convinced of all of them...
BUT
I am a guest here...
and I have great respect for the owner of this board who in my opinion has done a good job in helping marriages with the statistics to prove it...so when I veer off the marriage builders path...I try to make it clear that is what I am doing....

it's better than nothing
and better than most...

but I am a guest here...and I remain mindful of that with every post...

ARK^^

Ark, perhaps it is WRONG for us to sit back and not defend
someone that is getting BEAT UP by a poster; even a LONG TIME poster.

It is perhaps wrong to just 'not read' what they are saying to this struggling person.

I posted a thread where Melody was being MEAN to sfjaj but I actually didn't post the one before it where she was really harsh.

In no way whatsoever was she helping sfjaj in this thread.I thought the purpose of this forum was to HELP.

It seems the GOLDEN RULE has sure been lost around here.
"To do unto others as we would have them do unto us."

This thread of hurtful words from Mel to sfjaj.
SO UNNECESSARY:
CLICK RIGHT HERE

so somehow though we tell poster after to poster here that you can only control yourself...

somehow magically people are going to change this posters or that posters approach to how they post...

illogical at best....

it is your OPINION if this or that is mean...

if you believe it's violates the terms of this board
report it
period...

all this other stuff...
wasted energy and time....

ark

Very true and also people can work the 12 steps in different time frames and ARE still recovering while doing so. I know some recovering alkies who've been sober for a decade and haven't made it to step eight yet. Demeaning someone because they are not on step five or six does not help them get to step three and four. They usually stop going to the meetings. AA isn't about pointing out a person's flawed character while they were drinking, everybody in the room was flawed!! That's why they are there in the first place. Those rooms are about learning to live without booze and to make amends whenver you can w/o hurting a person.

Some people reaching out for help may get turned off by a rude "recovered" drunk when they first walk into the rooms. This usually doesn't happen because most recovered drunks(who really get the program and its true meaning) are not rude to newcomers if they are truly trying to stay sober. But in the case it happens, Lluckily there are more than one meeting nightly in most towns unlike the option to find another MB forum.

More times than not you will see a certain trait all drunks agree they use to have while actively drinking when sitting in these rooms; The desire/need to control other people and the desire/need to be right all the time.

just my .02

Sillygirl, that is not my idea of "MEAN," that is your own personal extrapolation based on your own issues. Being direct is not being MEAN by any definition. If you have issues, then either deal with them or tell the mods.

But don't imagine that you can dictate behavior here or that others are interested in changing their personality to suit your tastes. They AREN'T. That would be unrealistic.

It is also unrealistic to imagine that you are the arbiter of what is or isn't "helpful." Its a little arrogant to presume you are.