Thanks Mimi and Sturgis,

I am doing great. The only thing I said that involved getting back together is that I don't want the divorce and I think our Marriage is far from dead. I am being very independant.

I did tell him I thought he looked good. I also didn't say that I "love" him, only that I care about him very much and that he was my favorite person for a very long time and I would be very sad for him to be out of my life.

He called me several times last night and left a voice mail this morning. Encouraging me to accept the extra money and that he felt better after our talk since he had heard a lot of misleading info. I had told him that what we hear from other people is like playing telephone and usually what we hear at the end of the line is nothing like what was really said.

He also said that he understands why I would be on the defensive considering how he did everything. The fog seems to be pretty thin this morning. And, the lighthouse is standing tall and shining brightly with God's amazing grace and truth.

Not putting down all my defenses yet. Too much has happened and too many lies but I am hopeful for my Husband to emerge and be the man that I know and love.

I am soooo nervous about the romance thing. I was flirting up a storm though. Also, we did some suggestive teasing. Like old days.

Loni

I am being very careful. I don't want to be hurt again but I also don't want to close and lock the door to our marriage.

I worry that he is just playing me. The WS would. My H wouldn't have dreamed of it. So my best course of action is to continue planning for a divorce but praying and hoping for a real reconciliation. God has my back and I know that I will be OK regardless. I also know that God values marriage and family so I know that He will help me as much as he sees it is of value.

My friends are worried that I am setting myself up for disaster. I'm Ok. I am not the same person I was during the last two years. I am stronger and more focused. I realized that I can and will survive without my H. I will thrive without my WH. But, if my H comes to me with true regret and truly wishes to work on our M then I am not going to throw that away.

that is my viewpoint for now. There is still a lot of time before anything is final. May God continue to work in my life and the lives of my H and our children during that time.

Loni

please be cautious....remember you seemed to get MORE outof being firm and fair than being overly nice....go with your gut...BS's have a way of putting every little thing under a microscope...and looking too deeply into words or actions by WS, i know, i did it! we dont have the luxury of taking a step backwards and looking at the big picture all the time..thats where your "true" friends and confidants come into play...

i would still recomend taking the stand...any divorce talk be done between atty's...be firm on this one...just keep saying that.."i appreciate your efforts of wanting to give me more money, but have your atty present it to my atty" or something along those lines...keep it "small talk/happy talk", talk about kids...so forth...

""My friends are worried that I am setting myself up for disaster. I'm Ok. I am not the same person I was during the last two years. I am stronger and more focused. I realized that I can and will survive without my H. I will thrive without my WH. But, if my H comes to me with true regret and truly wishes to work on our M then I am not going to throw that away""

your friends may see something that your emotions are ignoring....

your heart teuely wants to save your marrigae and recover...thats going to be a LONG and HARD road....just dont set yourself up for letting him hurt you again or taking advantage of you....

HE KNOWS you still love him...you dont have to say it....along a personal note...I KNOW MY X STILL LOVES ME! but she never came back!!

just keep doing what was working for you!!

keep praying but dont forget about "unanswered" prayers...i got alittle angry with God during my divorce and had to regroup my thoughts and emotions as i had forgotton about "free will" God dosnt force anyone to love Him, we cannot do the same...we want somone in our lives that love us for who we are and want to be with us, not out of guilt or obligation!! (this last rant was for me, sorry i got carried away!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I so agree Sturgis. I am not about to just let my H come waltzing back in like nothing happened. I do need some proof that he is being genuine. The offer of more money and the reluctance to take equity from out house is a good beginning. Actions still speak louder than words and I am not going to only trust what I hear. He hasn't called off the divorce. He hasn't agreed to counseling (although he is considering it). He hasn't yet been completely forthcoming with his intentions and actions over the last two years.

I am being very cautious. I have been hurt too many times and I am not going to expose my kids to another seperation. This seperation will be the last. Either we work it out, or we divorce. There will not be another episode of me doing everything and my H fencesitting and not doing any work on the M. It will be both of us or we will divorce.

Yes, I love my H very much and I want this marriage to work out. But, I have learned some very valuable lessons that are sticking. I am not leaving this board anytime soon and I will look to everyone here, my counselor, MB counselor and most of all, God, before I make any major decisions.

The Lighthouse is standing strong. I have not changed that at all and I am not about to. I believe in what I am doing. If you, any of you, begin to see me wavering, call it out to me. I might get angry, but I will know that you are watching out for my best interests.

Loni

One last thought...

I am not going out of my way to contact him. I will let him call me, or make attempts to talk to me. The lighthouse way of being.

Loni

You're doing awesome, Loni! I admire the fact that you are reaching out to all areas available to you! Your H is lucky to have you as part of his life. Even if this marriage does not work out, (which I'm not hoping it doesn't), someone will be very fortunate to have met you, someday! You have a lot to offer and you have a good heart! Very genuine, which is something you don't see alot of anymore!

Keep up the great work, Loni! It WILL payoff in the end! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jen,

That post was very nice. It really helps to hear some positive feedback. Thanks for the compliment. I am beginning to realize that I am a good person and more than worthy of being loved. I hope and pray that my H realizes that as well.

I am beginning to think that my H is struggling with the results of the affair rather than the actual feelings he had for the OW. I am starting to think that he doesn't realize that the marriage can be saved. That there has been too much hurt and destruction and that the pieces of our relationship are too broken up to ever be put back together, much less, be better than before.

That is where the "lighthouse" comes in. A really strong Plan A will enlighten him with the hope of good results. The more upbeat and positive that I am with him and the more he sees me as his friend and ally, the more he will begin to believe that forgiveness and healing are possible.

My counselor is very hopeful for the recovery of our marriage and if my H agrees to go then we will both be seeing her. God is good and I know that he is working hard on my H's heart. Yes, my H has the choice to follow his heart or to follow the fog. I am praying that he follows God and that God will lead him home.

If not, I will be OK. I am going to be a better person after all of this. God is molding me as we speak and I am submitting to Him.

Loni

Amen, Loni! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Loni, you are a great person!!! You have a huge heart that is so caring. Weather you realize it or not, you are a very strong person that is stable and have so much to offer.
Your husband will realize this one day, when he pulls his head out of his neather region.

He has to tell himself your marriage can't be saved in order to keep his affair going and look at himself in the mirror each day.
This is where your mantra of having a great marriage is so key to be consistantly given to him. If I had a dollar each time my wife said, "It's to far gone and to much has been said and done", I would be a millionaire.

You are so right Loni! Plan A is the lighthouse and part of that is projecting the light of forgiveness and redemption. I told my wife over and over, I believe we can have a great marriage. WHY: 1) I believe in forgiveness and redemption. I will not judge or hold anything over your head for what has happeded.
This really worked on her, even though she is not religious. She heard this over and over from me. I kept telling her that we will start fresh and I will not punish her for her actions and choices. Reminding her it is her choice to end the affair and have a great marriage where we are happy.

Keep up the great plan A Loni. I was told by someone that even if you can't see change, doesn't mean it's not happening. Believe Loni. Don't give up! Believe in yourself. You are doing great. Keep the focus on your family and your personal growth.

You can't control any one but yourself, right? Feel good about yourself because you are a good person that has grown and gained so much strength. You are the silver lining in this dark cloud.
Hang in there girl!

Well said, Dazed! It's been refreshing to watch the growth taking place in Loni! God DOES answer prayers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Loni~
I want to add...
What is going on with the lawyers? It seems to me that we need to look at your current plan. Have you spoke to the Harley's about the recent divorce of OW and your WH leaving the house "to think".. I like that btw...

I know this is hard... My wife filed on me the same week her OM's divorce went final.
It was predicted she would do that.
Believe it or not, it was at that point that my FWW really started to crumble. It was at that point she felt the reality of her actions. It was now all becoming clear that she was really leaving her family for a complete idiot...

This is actually oppourtunity for fog clearing moments for him. The "thinking" part is probably now becoming how to deal with guilt of his actions.
He will feel a huge obligation to follow through with being with OW now that she is divorced.
My wife is still struggling with the guilt of OM divorcing his wife for her and not being with him.

Now that your WH's OW is divorced there is a ton of pressure on there relationship. This can be to your advantage...

I am still acting as if the A is occurring. It doesn't change my course of action one bit. I hope and pray that he is finally being honest. But if he isn't, it's no change from before.

The lighthouse stands whether my H is looking or not. Whether he comes back or not, doesn't change who I am and thank you for the kind words. Sometimes, when your loved one cheats, you lose sight of who you are. I don't want to become a hateful, bitter person and God is expecting more from me. I am challenged to take the higher road every day even though the gutter seems more appealling at times.

I just want to say thank you to all of you here. I don't know if my marriage would have ever lasted this long without you and your support and teaching. I also know that I would be less of a person now without the constant support and encouragement, and occasionally, the kick in the pants, that I have recieved from all of you.

I'm here, I'm strong, and God is strong in my life. Goin to bed now. I have to work tomorrow and the kids will be home at 6pm from their dad's.

God is Good,
Loni

Sleep well, Loni! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Loni,
Sounds like you are doing well....You are sounding really strong! Keep it up!

Best to you....
Daisy

Hi Daisy,

yeah I am doing really well. It doesn't mean that I am "happy" but I am not depressed or terrified or "pathetic". Sometimes the sadness about the sitch is overwhelming, but I know that it will pass and that my marriage isn't over yet. Maybe, this is exactly the kickstart my marriage needed. Either way, I have given it to God and I am letting him take the control out of my hands.

Thanks for the pat on the back. I still need those from time to time. I have also begun sharing on some of the other posts for the ones who are feeling the despair that I have felt. I haven't forgotten how afraid and overwhelmed I was. Maybe, God is pointing me in the direction of helping others realize that He is still with them. Whatever His plan is for me, I am submitting.

Don't think that this comes naturally to me. It doesn't. I am naturally impatient and independant and quick to run away. Being the lighthouse is one of the most difficult challenges I have ever been given. God alone, is the strength in me. My natural self, wants to curl up in my bed and not emerge again. So I give all the credit where it is do.

Still standing and being a holder for His light.
Loni

update...

My WH came by yesterday to drop the boys off. He seemed moody and irritable and I gave him the mail that was his and portrayed my best Plan A. He came by later to drop off a toothbrush and just walked in. No knock, doorbell, phone call...nothing. He then told me that the house stunk and he wasn't surprised because I was on the computer instead of taking care of OUR house. OOOOOK. Plan A stayed in effect and I stood my ground with a positive attitude and calmness. I told him that he doesn't get to just walk in unanounced, insult me, and leave. That I have reasons for doing what I am doing at any given moment and that I am taking very good care of everything and if the house stunk at that moment, maybe its because he walked past a freshly used litter box when he came in through the back door. He ended up apologizing for walking in and for insulting me.

Then, today, he calls and says he's picking up his stuff, all of it, tonight and can I have it in the garage ready for him. I told him that I can have it ready on Thursday but there is too much for today. He also told me that my playing Sims Online is neglecting our children. I told him that I love our children very much and I would rather cut off my right arm than neglect them in any way and that it hurts me to be accused of that. I also said that I have never accused him of being neglectful and to respect my mothering skill more than that.

As for the extra money he offered me...He wants to pay the bill directly instead of giving the money to me for me to pay the bills. My lawyer wants the money instead. My WH says that if I don't OK his plan, he won't do it and he will take away the extra money he offered. Nice huh?

Welcome back to the fog WH.

Also, his sister, the SIL that is friends with the OW, told the OW all about the divorce and what my H wants me to have and not have. I told H that I don't think that is good at all and asked him to speak to the SIL about keeping info away from the OW. He agreed and said that it isn't anyone else's business and he will talk to her. Who knows if he will. Who knows if he didn't already tell the OW everything anyway.

WH accused me of spreading rumors about him to others. EG: He is out womanizing and drinking. He heard this from one of his coworkers and there is no way it could have ever come from me. I don't ever talk with any of his coworkers. WH knows that. I am also telling people that he is trying to take the kids and the house. I had talked about that on friday with my H and he knows that I didn't say anything of the kind. I just reminded him of the telephone game and that my goal is to restore our marriage so I wouldn't be talking badly about him when I want us to be together again. It doesn't make sense for me to do that.

Anyway, The coast around this lighthouse is stormy but I'm still standing and I am still shining as bright a light as God allows me.

Some Good news. My friend, my BIL's exwife, told me that my WH's brother (the BIL) told her that he thinks I am doing great. She told him that I am and she also told him that I never said anything to her about WH boozing and womanizing so it didn't come from me. Should I try to talk with my BIL and reinforce that I don't want a divorce so therefore I am not out to hurt my H in any way?

Anyway, back to work
Loni

PLAN A involves making definite changes to be the best wife that you can be...not necessarily for WH..but for yourself...

Get to keeping the house clean and off the computer, Loni.

He is telling you about things that are important to him and major part of PLAN A is listening and taking notice of this...not being defensive...

It is essential for him to recognize that you are definitely changing...

That's why he came by unannounced..he was curious...

By FWH did the same thing and the house was [censored] and span..everytime he came home unannounced or unexpectedly...

How about letting him come in to get his own stuff?

Give your house a homey, inviting feeling..that will cause him to miss being there.

Hi Mimi,

Good advice. Actually, the house was looking good. I had just shampooed the carpet in the LR/DR and was doing Laundry. The game that I was playing doesn't involve that much time on the keyboard. He likes to think that is all that I am doing regardless of what he sees.

I found out why his personality shifted back to full-fog.
His sister, the SIL, had a birthday party for our niece on Saturday. The OW was there. How about some nice family time without the wife and with the OW. I can't believe that I was surprise when my DS17 told me today. I was very hurt though. I was there when my niece was born. I have been there for every one of my nieces and nephews when they were born. I am disposable to my ILs. They don't even care that I'm gone. I wasn't even invited to my nieces b-day and the OW was.

I am hanging on to God right now. Is my anger understood by Him? I hope so. I am so angry and hurt. Oh man, if I wasn't a christian, what would I do? I didn't do anything wrong here. I love my H very much. I have raised our children with love and morals. I didn't have the A. I didn't even file for the divorce. I know that life isn't fair but this really hurts. I don't even know how I am going to be able to forgive my SIL. I will but I don't know how. Anyway, I am still OK. Not happy by a long shot, but OK. The lighthouse is still standing even though I am amidst one powerful storm.

I guess that even lighthouses have some cracks and chips in the paint. I am feeling pretty cracked and chipped right now.

Loni

two things that i read that were helpful....

read the book of psalms ....you wanna talk about a man who went through EVERY possible emotion and sorrow....i spent alot of time reading that book over and again....makes you realize that its OK to be angry, OK to feel sad and hurt, OK to cry....just keep your head up!!!

the second........ebook "stop your divorce" by Homer Macdonald....GREAT book....really put things in perspective and gives alot of insight into human nature...

worth every penny!!!

hang in there!!