My WH started EA with phone calls, talk at work, text messages galore months before OW's divorce became final. Should I inform OW's now ex-H or is this overkill? I am quite sure he has no idea about it.

How do you know they are divorced?

My husband told me, and she told me the first time I discovered the text messages and called her to confront her about them last October.

But to answer your question, yes I would tell the OWH regardless. He may or may or not want the information, but you won't know unless you tell him.

Add to above: in October WH promised NC. I've recently discovered continued phone calls and TM.

And it is possibly a lie concocted by the OW or your H so you won't tell her H. I would tell him. If they are divorced and he doesn't care, it won't matter, but if they are still married, he sure needs to know.

plus he has the right to know he may have been exposed to STD's.

RECENT contact? Or recently discovered OLD contacts?

Dorri, do they still work together? I went back and read your other posts about your husbands mental issues. Is he under psychiatric care? Are you still seperated?

MelodyLane thanks. I hope I didn't lose you had to take child to Karate!

But to answer questions: yes recently discovered recent contact (last TM 3/6). They work at same company but she has been transferred back to another office of that company, but it is still in town and he does call down there and occassionally has to physically go there to do work also, but rarely.

I never considered the fact that they might have concocted a lie about her being divorce. It WAS unexpected to hear that she was divorced because I knew "of her" and he had always told me she was married. I will have to try to find out... how I don't know. Phone numbers are unlisted as I've already checked.

And also MelodyLane: yes he is in outpatient program for depression. I just told him to leave last Monday. He has been staying in hotel and calling me every day stating he wants to work it out/ keep our family together. I guess I want that too, but right now I am so angry and hurt I can't stand to look at him. I don't know if I can trust him again. Right now I have no trust where he's concerned ... so no foundation for a marriage. I feel like I have to just face the reality of him. I am so confused about what to do really.

Oh Oh,
This sounds remarkcably familiar to " that other thread " that got real bloody.
It also raises the same Q for me that really not got resolved on that thread. To tell or not to tell after this has been a D between the two in the meantime.
STD's aside for a moment, I am still contemplating all that was said on the (you know) other thread.
seems this Q keeps coming up over and over.
I can no longer say I have a definitive answer anymore. Way too many variables involved, I think.
But for those who are adamant, I truly am considering all aspects now. Just haven't come to a real conslusion yet.
All blessings,
Jerry

Dorri, I would suggest getting in contact this weekend with the OWH and informing him of the affair. After that is done, you will want to allow your H to come back home as soon as possible. You can't work on your marriage if he is not there and kicking him out is not condusive to recovery.

I would get his agreement to send the OW a no contact letter and to agree to NEVER EVER see her again. Even if he has to quit him job and/or move to Montana, he must agree to do what it takes to end contact. They cannot work together in any capacity if you want your marriage to recover because he will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal. As you CAN SEE, work contact DOES NOT WORK. CONTACT IS CONTACT.

Here is a sample no contact letter that he can send her. It should be written together and mailed by you. Also, read the links I have posted below about what needs to happen to facilitate recovery after an affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Thanks Melodylane and everyone posting replies.

Melodylane: When I first found out about the EA the first time (last October) husband was all apologetic, crying, etc. and agreed to call OW on speaker phone with me there and tell her that the "friendship" had to stop and that it had been disrespectful to me, etc. This gave me the courage for our marriage to continue and forgive.

Fast forward to two weeks ago when I first found out about the most recent tm's and calls, I came to my husband and demanded he and I go in person and he tell OW that he loved me, was committed to our marriage, their "friendship" was to end, etc. That is when he really broke down and stated he could not take all the conflict and ended up being taken to a psychiatric hospital.

Maybe this was too much, the actual face to face with OW (the three of us). Maybe he was afraid she would reveal even more that I don't know. But he refuses face to face. I don't really think he is going to go with a NC letter.

I've talked to him about quittting job. He has a very good job that the type of work he does would require him to move probably to get another of this type. He is under a no-compete work contract also. He says it would be crazy for him to give up a good job.

You know what? I think he doesn't want to contact her because he isn't ready to give her up. This is why I would contact her H. You might then call her up and have a chat with her about all this. He may be lying to her about the state of your marriage.

But unless he is willing to send that no contact letter, he probably isn't sincere about ending contact at all. And I suspect that is the case if the mere suggestion of ending his affair sent him into such a tizzy. You should ask him to do it.


And it would be equally crazy to imagine that your marriage can ever recover unless he does. You can see the result of his continued work contact, Dorri.