You need to gather as much information as possible. Find OM's GF. make a list of exposure targets - family, friends, anyone who can influence her to end the affair. Talk with the friend she stayed with. Get a voice activated recorder and hide it in her car. You can get semen detection kits.

Get the Books "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs" from this site and get "Not Just friends" from amazon.com Read the infidelity FAQ's linked below. Read Harley's basic concepts. Plan A your [censored] off while you gather evidence.

When you have evidence, expose to everyone you can. Is he a subordinate at work? If he is she will almost certanly lose her job, but the reality is if you don't kill the affair your marriage is doomed.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES cry on your Ex-Girlfriends shoulder or any other sympathetic female.

Don't confront until you are reasonably sure or you could just end up driving the affair underground.

Hm, I think you should call the Harleys.

It's worth it. Their advice will help you more than what you get for free on this forum.

Don't get caught up in drama. Don't get agitated and panicked. Be calm. No single event is going to be a tipping point w/r/t whether your marriage survives. Stay cool and remember, you can't control everything. Your actions are not the sole determining factor in what happens to your marriage.

Cancel meeting your friend because it creates intimacy between you and a woman besides your wife. And worse, a woman I assume you've probably slept with.

You need to assume your WW is pursuing her affair, completely over the moon for OM, and is capable of any malicious or treacherous act that will cause you financial and emotional ruin. Assume that because she's said she wants a divorce, she is for now able to justify her affair on the grounds that she is already "emotionally divorced" from you.

Assume that despite being possibly very brilliant normally, your wife is colossally stupid right now. If her affair is as troublesome as it sounds, she's as reliable and trustworthy as a smack addict.

GC

***but before she went she said she wanted me to go to see if we could remain friends. What do you make of this? When I pushed it she just said cause I would like to know if we can.***

Isn't there a chance that she just wanted you to be there with her and see how it goes?

I mean, if she's going with common friends, and they were supposed to go as a couple, maybe she stated the friends thing wishing for more?

And... wouldn't it be a good way for you to fulfill her EN or a chance to date her again?

If she wanted you to go along she's probably not planning on seing anyone else there nor meeting anyone new right?

Unless she meant that as being in separate rooms, maybe it would be a good chance for you to be together.

I just don't get it. She wanted space and to be alone, but then she wants you to go on holidays as well... is she confused?

You know her, is there anyway she said that because she just didn't wanted to admit to you and herself that she was hoping for more?

ROTFLMAO

The fantasy of an amicable divorce or remaining friends after a divorce is a true WS fantasy.

LOL

You're getting good advice here.

You asked for a woman's perspective. Well, in my first marriage, I was a WW. Wayward wife. I'll be glad to check in today and answer whatever questions you might have.

However, I agree with what's been said here. Exposure. Now. Put the fire out and then once her anger dies down, go about meeting her EN's.

Ladies And Gents...

Thanks for the advice. I have called off going to see my friend. I'm still in two minds whether to go to the holiday venue my wife is at or not.

She did state she wants to be friends and we would be sleeping in seperate rooms in this resort. I'm tired, confused and frustrated. I'm quite a strong person, more than most of my family, however this is starting to wear very thin. I want to start to show her attention but for her the not being there emotionally and hurtfuls things I've said are some of the main reasons for wanting to leave.

I have (wrongly) checked her calendar and noticed she has pencilled in the date when she kissed this other guy. This says to me it's more than just a kiss. She feels for him because I wasn't there.

I've text her today telling her I might not be able to make it to the holiday resort until Thursday, I asked if she still wanted me to come up, not because I was grovelling I just wanted her opinion. I can make my own decisions but there is very little point in me driving for three hours to face a cold response by her and our friends. She has not yet replied to my text.

Questions I need to answer:

Do I text her again asking her about the previous text?
Do I just drive there and then face the consequences?
Do I stay at home and do some personal stuff and make a fuss when she comes back?

Do I move out and forget everything?

Do I post her letter to me on this site so everyone can see what she's thinking? I'm not sure on this as it's personal to me and she would not like it but it may help with the female perspective. What do you all think?

The faithful partner should never agree to move out of the house.

Regarding the vacation: don't miss an opportunity to show her the kind of fella you can be.

Before you go, read the Harley stuff about ENs and try to ID hers. Like we said before, being alone to pursue a career is not an EN. It's an excuse.

GC

Thanks graycloud...

Here's the letter I will remove this in an hour or two incase she reads this forum. I would appreciate you response.

LETTER REMOVED

That's some nasty letter.

Whatever you do, don't bother trying to convince her of anything. Just let your actions speak for themselves.

And brace yourself. She's not done hurting you, and no matter how you scream, your pain doesn't mean a thing to her.

Did you see the MC before the affair began?

GC

There was no MC before the affair began. We both plodded along in our relationship.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

From what you read in the letter do you think it's worth pursuing? Or should I walk away?

I want to fight and show I'm not that person, she thinks I am.

Only you can decide if you should walk away.

There's a good chance your wife will divorce you, and either way, this is going to hurt.

And you might be able to save your marriage.

You need to decide what you want, then you need to make a plan.

GC