Do you realize if the WS can't hurt you, that can kill the A? Do you? Really?

'Cuz it can. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Sharing this and hope others share thoughts that will help the BS' here past their pain. Help them heal themselves 1st, their families 2nd and kick the WS and A in the butte! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

I think that often, the clinging desperation of an abandoned, hurting BS pushes the WS further away.

It's hard to pretend that you're not hurting when your whole life has collapsed around you.

By the time the BS is able to honestly say they aren't hurting any more, and are looking more appealing to the WS (who may be turning back into a S by this time, and no longer a WS), the BS may have moved on completely, and may no longer interested in the marriage.

Sad, but it happens very frequently.

Alph.

Orchid, I like this post. It seems empowering, but How?

I'm thinkiing about it. Most people feel hurt when they feel betrayed by a loved one. BUt the hurt is usually connected to thoughts that they think about the betrayal. WHihc in many cases one thought leads to another and another and another and before you know it you're in depression valley. But rather if the betrayed one could just focus on avoinding thoughts that apply blame, insult, or feelings of inadequacy then the betrayal seems a disappoint rather than a hurt.

Is this what you mean?

OR

Are you saying the WS can't physically hurt you? Maybe not because the WS can physically hurt you.

Please share. Thanks for the thread.

I'm EXACTLY at this point!!!! See Mywifeilove's thread!!!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...art=19&vc=1

Thanks, Orchid!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

MWIL - funny, I was thinking the same thing when I read this thread.

Remember "whomever wants the relationship the least, controls it"...and this is a fact!

Victims are extremely unattractive to a WS, because they remind them of everything inside themself which is weak and ugly.

Orchid,

How enlightening. And true.

I believe that deep down inside I knew that my FWH was involved with someone else. It was just below the consciousness level but the awareness was there.

He seemed to always be on some business trip or another and the trips included more weekends than before. I say this only looking back because it never really sank in at the time.

His frequent absenses led me to begin to establish a life for myself that didn't really include him. I began to plan social activities with female friends, some of which were even scheduled for times when he was in town. Even tho it was an unconscious act of survival for me, he began to feel me emotionally withdrawing from him and our marriage.

Three months before d-day and around 5 months into my FWH's PA, after months of him being angry and short tempered, I quietly and calmly said to him (without being specific) "If you think I don't know what is going on, you are wrong and I just need to know what your plans are so that I can move on with my own life."

He got the most sad defeated look on his face, came over to me and squeezed my shoulder, turned and walked away. He thought that I didn't care that he was having an affair when in truth I didn't actually know.

I believe this was a turning point for him. He realized that he would not be able to have the life with me that he wanted if he continued with his affair. It took him three months of struggling with OW to let go and end the A, but I believe that if he hadn't though that I didn't care, it would have possibly taken much longer.

Who

Good job, Orchid.

WAT
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I've never met a WS I've liked. I've never met a former WS I didn't like.

You did everything perfectly without even knowing it because you have a healthy sense of yourself (survival mode)...most don't, so this post should be emblazened in new BS's mind.

It's excellent! Although every sitch is unique in a way...some things are always true, and that is that BS's are most attractive to a WS once they are moving on/strong.

MywifeIlove - How did you get to the point that you could feel this way? (i.e. that she can't hurt you anymore?

I believe a combonation of things:

I spent 3 months with an active WW living in my home (The worst pain a man can have, IMO. So when she left, immediately things within me got better!!)

My mother had a heart attack, in the middle of all this. (Shed some perspective on life for me)

Turned a bit more toward God.

Had indepentent counciling, VERY GOOD COUNCILOR!!

Made a discovery that, if I value ANYONE more than I value myself.....then my value to all others is diminished!!! (This was a big one!!)

And it helped that I went out by myself to a few local bars, (that I hadn't been in, in over 11 years) and the women were extremely interested in me!!! (Good for rebuilding self esteem!)

My kids...How could I be anything else but the same father they have known their whole lives!!! And I was ALWAYS a "positive" person.

I made the choice one day to stop letting her hurt me. Don't really remember exactly the time...but it worked!!! And it is a snowballing effect!! There is no doubt, to some degree, she is drawing back!! We shall see!! No matter though....I have rediscovered ME and my value to others!!!!!

Orchid this is very insigtful!

What I have learned is that it takes time to get to this stage. New BS's are still caught in the tempest and it will take some months to reach a safe harbour.

It has taken me about 8 months to slowly regain my self esteem and build up my confidence.

When your busy dealing with an active WS it is SO difficult to detatch and protect yourself. Once you reach that point where you will not accept the garbage associated with the WS and the A, and you realize you don't need the WS to make you happy, the healing starts.



I know EXACTLY what you mean by the above statement. I'm there or in the process of getting there. Her actions don't hurt me anymore (very little at most) and it has made a HUGE difference in my attitude and confidence. Every BS has much to offer, they just need to remove themselves from the self pity and damage done by the betrayal.

Mywife - Thanks. As I told Hope on the other thread, that's very helpful. I need to get there ASAP for my own well being and I will.

Orchid - Thanks for the thread.

[quote]Remember "whomever wants the relationship the least, controls it"...and this is a fact!

Weaver, wow -- I have never heard this before... Not put in these words...

Dear God, Thank you so much for the kind, wise people here on MB. This is what the human race is all about - when some are at their lowest and most painful times, others come in to help !!!

Carnation

my warning about detaching if in plan A is NOT to detach yourself so totally that you alienate your self from being able to feel good about some things about the WS...

that if you detach in anger and not seek some good qualities to hang on to and focus on you will detach yourself right out of the marriage...

which is fine if that is your goal..
but if you are detaching in plan A then it is emperative that you find things that are good or noble that a WS may do ...and heap praise on the good things....while detaching from the bad....

ARK

ARK..SUCH A WISE WOMAN!!!!

I like to call it loving indifferance... and this takes great strength.

True inner strength is never about anger.

So I do agree Ark, plan A is about using this strength to let go with love enough to become the best YOU can be, and this is attractive.

It is also the only way recovery will work..someone has got to be growing/ and detaching to a point of loving indifferance or else all you got is a whole lot of insanity going on. Everyone cannot be insane at the same time.

Very well put, weaver! The "I love you enough to let you go" phrase must be from the soul!! And coupled with loving yourself more...produces an attractive person!!

Exactly!! You realize very quickly that your self-worth is not in WS' hands. That their A is a reflection on them, not you. It takes two to save a marriage. You cannot do it alone and both people will have to make changes.

You would like your real S back, but you realize you are just fine without WS . You build a life for yourself and if they get their act together, and you are still interested, then you can see where it goes.

"my warning about detaching if in plan A is NOT to detach yourself so totally that you alienate your self from being able to feel good about some things about the WS...

that if you detach in anger and not seek some good qualities to hang on to and focus on you will detach yourself right out of the marriage...

which is fine if that is your goal..
but if you are detaching in plan A then it is emperative that you find things that are good or noble that a WS may do ...and heap praise on the good things....while detaching from the bad...."


FWIW, I agree.

Detachment is an interesting two-edged sword. I instinctively started detaching after D-Day 2 of FWW’s LTA. I could not function otherwise. But I knew I was heading for a grossly overdrawn and insolvent Love Bank.

Coincidentally, I started attending Al-Anon meetings shortly after D-Day 2, due to long-standing family member addictions. I learned a lot about the proper forms and conduct of detachment from loved ones in those meetings and from those good people.

The key is Loving Detachment (caps on purpose)

I recommend a BS impliment Loving Detachment (LD) from active, WS. But, it does not come naturally. It is a hill, a mesa, the BS must climb to the top and camp out on for a while. Maybe a long while. But the view and the peace and quiet is well worth the climb.

There are books, such as Paths to Recovery, which will help teach LD. As with most things, one must study, learn and practice Loving Detachment.

LD allows the BS to act loving, to act towards the WS (And for a long while the FWS) with love-is-a-verb, while protecting their own emotions.

Then, when it’s safe, the BS can come back down from the top of the mesa with their Love Bank accounbt still open for business.

With prayers,