That made me laugh because I think you just described about 95% of the marriages on the planet. This happens in a lot of marriages at times. Marriages also go through cycles of ups and downs where this happens for a while and then goes away for a while.

But instead of confronting the problem and trying to find a solution in cooperation with your husband, you went and found someone else to solve your problem. And it sounds like you are defending the OM as well which is not a good sign. So you were selfish. You wanted attention and you got it.

Okay the good thing about this post of yours is that you said something practical that can be addressed.

You need to study up on this web site of the policy of joint agreement (POJA). Your husband is never going to be Prince Charming. No husband is. That would be fantasy. But you can expect certain behaviors from him because he is being selfish too. As far as a woman treating her husband like his mother, who ever told you that caca de toro? Pura mierda de mi punto de vista. Nunca he deseado tener relaciones sexuales con mi Mama. So forget that stupid idea.

Your husband likes to watch TV. You don't like your husband to watch TV.

You want to have conversation with your husband but he doesn't want to listen to anything you have to say.

You want to talk about your work but he doesn't understand what you do.

You should come to an agreement with your husband that he can watch TV at certain times and turn it off at other times. If he likes to watch TV so much, try watching it with him every once in a while.

Set aside a certain time of the day (without interruption from daughter) where you two talk. No TV. No telephone. That will be hard at first but don't stop. Even if you sit there and stare at the wall and say nothing, don't stop doing it. It will get better.

As far as your work goes, I wonder if your job does not threaten your husband in some way. He seems like he is trying to belittle it. He is telling you it is unimportant but it probably bothers him very much. It seems almost like emotional abuse. He may be jealous of your work and it upsets him so he tells you that your work is insignificant and meaningless.

As far was what OM would or would not do, don't waste my time. You have no idea what he would do. He is trying to get himself involved with a married woman so he is worthless scum and there is nothing good about him. He is el diablo en la carne. Good men don't get involved with married women - especially in Mexico! You know that. He knows that. Why are you defending him?

Spend you energy with your husband. Look for ways to turn your marriage around. Look for compromise. Let him have days where he can do what he wants and you have days where you do what you want. Get involved with his life and involve him in yours. Talk about the reasons why he looks down on you. Ask him why your work bothers him. You said you just got a promotion. He knows you are finding sucess and that probably bothers him more. Your husband has centuries of cultural breeding going against him. What is happening in your marriage is not unique. It is all too common. Did his mother stay at home and take care of the house? Did your mother? What is different about your marriage as compared to your parents? What do you expect marriage to be? Maybe both of you are just a little confused.

Im not agree with you, when you said is "caca de toro" about how tratas a tu mamá, me refiero a cómo la tratas, a si te preocupas por ella, si le llamas, si tienes detalles con ella...si una persona ni lo hace siquiera por su madre, menos lo hará por su esposa... es cuestión de cómo te educaron... que valores te enseñaron... yo creo que en el matrimonio, cada uno trae además de la personalidad, las costumbres de casa, la forma de vivir de casa.. Por ejemplo, en esta casa donde vivo tiene unos closets muy pequeños y mal hechos.. en casa de mis padres siempre tuve unos closets con suficiente espacio.. así que a mi me molesta que la ropa se maltrate o que no quepa en el closet.. Mi esposo vivió en una casa donde no había closets entonces para él no es importante el mejorar los closets de nuestra casa actual..Sus padres se divorciaron, los mios con todo y el alcoholismo de mi padre siguen juntos luego de 39 años de casados.
PAra complicar más todo sobre nuestros antecedentes, mi suegra, es ama de casa, solo cuando su esposo se fue y no tenía dinero entonces trabajó solo un tiempo, porque se cansaba mucho... sus hijos padecieron mucho.. por falta de dinero... en mi caso mi madre tenía dos trabajos, uno de mañana y otro de tarde.. y nunca nos faltó lo necesario a mi hermana y a mí... Asi que la imagen femenina que pudiera tener mi esposo es todo lo contrario a lo que soy yo.. Yo jamás esperaría a quedarme en ruina para hacer algo por mis hijos... No quiero que se lea a critica destructiva, solo es cuestión de formación... a mi suegra la educaron para atender al esposo, cocina delicioso, saber labores manuales, artesanales... incluso les llevaba el desayuno a sus hijos a la primaria a la hora del descanso!!! en mi caso me educaron a desayunar siempre en casa aún sin hambre y a comer de todo...
Como verás estas diferencias de por si implican ajustes en el matrimonio, mi esposo dice que no quiere a alguien como su madre, pero sus acciones y actitudes me dicen que si... se molesta cuando no puedo estar en casa y él si...y no está conciente de que hago muchas cosas además del trabajo...
Amo a mi esposo, pero la forma como me trata no me gusta... obviamente no es siempre así, pero ahora eso se exponencializa... Ayer por ejemplo, me gritó "Haz lo que quieras" y no había razón para que se pusiera así.... AMBOS tuvimoso trabajo en la noche y AMBOS Estábamos cansados.... así que le pregunté "porque te enojas? porqué te pones así? " como es su costumbre no me contestó así que me enojé e hice lo mismo... cuando el me preguntó algo yo tampoco le contesté.. y adivina que.. en lugar de platicar, apagó su TV y se fue a dormir a su cuarto.. dejándome a mí todo lo demás de la casa, nuestra hija y todo... es lo más fácil,,, no enfrentar las cosas, lo más sencillo y salir y evadirlas...
Es en esos momentos cuando me pregunto qué calidad de vida quiero para mí, para mi hija... no me gusta que me traten así... y de mí depende que lo siga permitiendo.. siempre que le pido que no me grite de esa manera... no dice NADA.... a veces solo dice: es que me desesperas... no lo sé... estoy frustrada.
Todo en casa debo verlo yo.. de mi H no nace ninguna mejora o ayuda para nuestro hogar, él prefiere salir de casa siempre a tener su casa ordenada y bonita... se molesta cuando le pido ayuda,,, a veces promete hacer algo y no lo hace nunca,,, o lo hace de mala gana porque yo ya me enojé....
Y como yo fui la que tuve el A, entonces eso me convierte en la bruja del cuento,,,, y en teoria debo aguantar todo? y de mi depende que mi M funcione? no lo creo... el A es una consecuencia de algo más... mi esposo dice que no hago méritos para que me perdone..y conociéndolo jamás haré los méritos necesarios para que me perdone...
Estoy como quiero estar,, frustrada y a punto de la desesperación.. a punto de que me igual seguir o no... o quizá de seguir pero así como zombie, sin esperar nada de mi H, NADA....asi dejaría de sentirme deprimida...

I think we may be tugging on two ends of the same rope. I agree with what you say about treating people. I just don't think that I would ever think about marrying a woman like my mother.

It sounds like you have a lot of valid complaints. Unfortunately none of that justifies you having an affair. If you have problems, you solve them. You don't go looking for companionship outside the marriage. You deal with your problems and if there is no way to solve them, you get divorced.

Set that aside for the moment. It sounds like you tow desperately need counseling. This is not something that is just going to work itself out with time. If you let this go one long enough, you will eventually hate each other and the violence could even turn dangerous. You can't just learn to live with this. If your husband refuses to seek counseling, is there a way you could separate for a while?

You should really translate that last post into English. I am sure a lot of people would be interested in reading it and maybe they could offer some good suggestions.

Hi
Translate last post to english? Im afraid right now I dont have too much time to do that... maybe later... yesterday I didnt come here to work, because I had troubles with my H late at night... I was depressed because I got a medical diagnostic, not very optimistic, acording to my doctor, Im going to be diabetic early.. and I have another problem with a hormone that can be worse than now and I can have a tumor on head later... so I was suprised and depressed... my weight problem is not my biggest problem and this is another condition to others diseases...
I try to be positive everytime, so I thought ok, I need to reschedule my day, and put some time to myself.. for cooking health food, for doing exercise, for a MC...I called by phone to my H for share with him my feelings... and he almost regret me... because Im very analitic about doctor's diagnostic.. I have visited three doctors and none of diagnostics are same, so its a little confusing... anyway today Im going to have some medical results and Im going to visit another doctor..
My H was too much cold about this... I want to try natural remedies, and alternative as homepatic medicine... but my H never support me in this...I told him how depresed was, I told him "in this moments I realy need you... Im sick, I feel blue, I feel too bad, without energy.. worry about my daughter if I got worst."" and he said "Do you think that just because you are sick I should forgive you?" I never asked him for his forgive... I just ask for support, some word for keep trying and to keep fighting.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I realized that Im alone... even he is at home, he sleeps in another bedroom and he doesnt care about me.. my health... my job, .. nothing...
I felt bad Monday night,, my daughter was awake so I asked my H if he could go home at least for one hour in order to take care of my daughter because I needed to cry a lot... My H was angry because I started to cry by phone... he accepted to go home, but he was angry, with bad humor.. and he hanged up phone.. I got angry also and called him again asked him not go to home.. I knew that could be worst if he went home angry and me angry too...
I cried and my daughter asked "what happend mamy?" believe me, its was so difficult for me that moment, I just needed to release all that pain inside.. I got quiet... I asked God for streight for avoid my daughter to see me in that way.. and I went to sleep..
My H came home and he was angry... he said in bad manner "what happen with you?, why you asked me to come here, I was busy at work?" I got angry then.. and we started to argue....
He left home and I was speaking with him, nor even he said, bye.... I got furious because he left me speaking alone.... so I called him by phone and I told him, return here...I want to drink alcohol, I want to get drunk and I need you to take care of our daughter.... (I didnt want to drink, I just use this to force my H to return home, I know this was bad but I did it)
He returned home furious... I told him Im going to drink as you do in order to forget things and feel me better just for a moment... I was give my H back (de espaldas in spanish) and he hit me in my head... I was in shock because I even didnt expect any hit... others time when he hit me we were argue, and I was "prepare" but this time I was giving him back..
My first reaction was tell him how cobard is hitting a woman by back... and I prepared my luggage.. he said, you are not going to go out with my daughter... we pushed and pull each other ( I dont know if this is the right way to describe this).. and my daughter... wakes up and she showed afraid from my H.. so he was furious with me.. he started to shouth "because of you my little daughter has afraid of me"
He pushed me... and I told him "you want to hit me right?" he said "I want to kill you, you destroy my life, I dont know what did you do with OM!!!"
I was downstairs and my daughter asked if dady is going to go with us in this trip, I told her no, not this time... and she started to cry.. I couldnt with this... I decided to stop my daughter pain... I quit to my plan to leave home...
Im frustrated about this... when finally all this nightmare finished,, (4am) I went to my H bedroom and asked him, what do you want? can we go tomorrow with a lawyer in order to get divorced inmediately? he said yes... I only make you suffer and my daughter too...He said Im going to leave home..
Yestterday, he said, Im going to leave home today, I just told him "is your decision, your choice",,, and he didnt leave home...
Then I help him with his lunch, and he hug me and told me Im sorry!!... and he started to cry... again my daughter was awake so I asked him not to talk in that moment...
All family are suffer.. violence is more frecuently.. I dont want to give up, I want to fight last time, this time... but Im afraid that both should change our behaviour,, and put all our effort in order to keep our marriage alive....
Im not agree keeping same way... we are a time bomb... and sometimes this bomb explots,, and now we hurt us .. I feel my selfsteem low, under the floor.. today at 5am I wake up to the bathroom and I remeber the moment when I felt my H hit over my head I was in shocked, I started to cry again...
Today at work all several coworkers asked me "how are you?, we were worry about you, my boss know that Im having problems in home, and Im afraind my coworkers knows that we are suffering violence at home."
Im confused.. and for some moments I want to stop trying and get a divorce.. others I think I good days, and I want those days again...
Yesterday night I went to my H bedroom and I said him good night, have a nice rest, I love you.. and I gave him a kiss in his cheat (mejilla?).. and he asked me a kiss in his mouth... and I gave him just a little one... (we called him a kiko, a bird kiss) ....
Last friday, I write to my H some mails,,, I asked him what does he want? if he want to stay with me or not? , but he havent answered anything yet...
I dont know what to do...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I was reading your post and it made me think of lemonman operating to save the life of his WW's OM and comparing that with your husband who is a doctor and couldn't care less if his wife has a critical illness or not. I don't know what kind of doctor your husband is. Is he a veterinarian?

I think you did the right thing packing your bags and leaving. I think you made a mistake by coming back. Your husband sounds like he is quickly falling into a cycle of violence. IMO I think you need to get out of that situation until your husband decides to get help. Sooner or later he might really kill you.

Your fights remind me so much of gemela. When he left, te dejo con la boca abierta. And when he came back and you got angry, le diste la espalda. I guess that is a Mexican thing or whatever but gemela has taught me through painful lessons that those are the two cardinal sins of arguments. You two being Mexicans should no better than to do those things. I am not criticizing you - just an observation.



These few words speak volumes. It seems to me that he is completely obsessed with the affair and is playing out the whole fantasy in his mind. His imagination is far worse than the reality.

Is it possible for you two to separate? Write him a Plan B letter and explain why you are separating and what you require to happen before you will agree to get back together. I don't know that much about Plan B but, if I were in your position, I would do it. The violence is just not acceptable. It will only get worse. How do you think this is affecting your daughter seeing you two shoving and hitting each other? Seperation is not the same thing as divorce. I think you have to do something to get your husband's attention. You need to force him to get help - to go to counseling. He doesn't think he needs it or doesn't want the embarassment. At the moment, you are letting him get away with it. If he wants the marriage, he will do whatever you need to get you back. Also, separation will shine the spotlight on him. He will not be able to pretend to his friends and coworkers that all is well.

There is no good reason to stay in the situation you are in. Very soon you will lose all your love for your husband. Sooner or later he is going to hurt you very badly. Your daughter is going to suffer for this the rest of her life.

Ohhhh yesterday I wrote a big post... and its gone...!! I thought I posted yesterday...as it became big, I thought I should stop write and save it,. I didnt and I lost it!!
Anyway two nights before I had a conversation with my H... I realized that he try to avoid "enfrentar el problema"... he tries to leave all his pain, and "rencor", hide it, he doesnt want to see any relative..he said I leave him without dignity...
Im almost convinced that maybe he doesnt love me anymore.. maybe my A was so devastated that kill all love.. thats explain me why he doesnt show any interest in me, in my healt, in my stuffss, my feelings...
Im not angry with him, not anymore... Im sad, and I need to accept that I cant force him to love him, or to forgive me...
I told him that we need to do something about all this.. we have two options,,,, keep same behaviour and destroy all love, and our daughter life living in this environment with violence and no respect... or another option is to made a commitment about our marriage.. but this time... leave away all our revange feelings, "resentimientos", pride... and do just things in order to improve our relationship... stop to be on defense "estar a la defensiva", this commitment we just could do it with professional help... as we have showed our inmature and bad comunication..
He answered me that he need time to decide. because that commitment for he would be too difficult... then I suggested that ok, both need time but we should be away from each other in order to think and be quiet...
He said he is going to think in all this.. maybe this weekend he is going to tell me what he wants... what he thinks...
My behaviour as I dont want another fight,, is like if nothing would happened last monday,, I still keep atention in my H's breakfast, lunch, supper, and even in his clothes...
this is first time that even Im depressed and sad I dont stay without speak.. or angry...
By the way, just to clarify... my last post I tried to express that when he hit me,, he did it by my back... "por la espalda" so I was "unprepare", "desprevenida"...
Even all this,, last wednesday we bought a membership on a sport club.. (too expensive I thought by my H said yes, we should get in),,,, this membership is for a couple... so I need to reschedule my days in order to include excercise... (I need to find a babysitter for my daughter, because I want to do exersice early in the morning)
My H asked me yesterday during our conversation "With who did you speak? why are you asking for a separation?" I told him wiht anyone,, I think this would be healty for our relationship.
Im optimistic about my health.. I want to put whatever I need to lose weight, and increase my energy, and release stress, with exercise...
About my H I dont know... at least we are doing or we are going to do something different of all behaviour...and I love him.

First, if your H loved you before the A, the A did not kill his love for you. It takes more time than that. If you two stay like this for a long time then you both will stop loving each other. That is why you need to do something to get him out of his hole now. Sooner rather than later.

If he did not love you, he would not be so angry about the A. If he did not love you, he simply wouldn't care. You would say you want to leave and he would say "good idea - take care of yourself".

I was not suggesting you separate from your husband permanently. I am suggesting you do something to a) avoid being abused and sucker punched and b) shake him up into doing something. I was hoping with time that your husband would view things differently and begin to talk but he is still obsessed with the OM.

If going to the health club is something the two of you will do together then that seems okay. I have to admit though that getting gemela, who has just had an affair, a health club membership is probably not something I would ever do. This raises some red flags for me. I think you should be very careful and don't get too friendly with any of the other members (hombres). I am willing to bet you right now that this membership is going to result in some fights. Just be careful.

Hi,
Well, again we are in good days, I think my H tried to leave my EA away just with time... Im afraid that would be possible,,, but not healthy for us..
As a result of our fight, my H told me that he miss me and now he returned to slep to our bedroom...(I asked him)

I need to be patient than ever,, and put all my effort to make my H love me again....

Im going to gym alone... I just go two days per week.. Im prepare and I know I need to avoid any man frienship... and Im going to be alert...I think in my case gym is going to help me to deal with my stress and frustration... and most important, for my physical health.. I dont want to be diabetic so young...

Im swimming and I like it a lot... I wish to go more time per week but I dont have who stay at home early with my daughter meanwhile she is still sleeping..

I need to be smart and discover which are my husband's needs.. I know admiration is one of most important,, Im not sure how I can showed him how pride I am when he told me how he operate (opera a sus pacientes) and how grateful are they..
I had told him this but as a result of my EA he denied everything. he said, Im not showed him any interest...

Well I need to look for a MC... at least for me...

How are things with gemela and you? I dont know details of your case.. just what you wrote in this post...

What you will probably find is that things will seem to improve with time but that his anger will return unexpectedly at times. Just be prepared for it. Don't get angry and tell him you thought things were getting better and don't get frustrated by it. His anger coming back is "normal". This is especially true since he refuses to seek help.

Be very careful at the gym. That can be a dangerous place and even more so since you are going alone. Gemela and swimming pools - that's how our problem started.

Keep doing things to build back your husband's confidence in himself. Keep telling him you love him. If admiration is a need of his, always compliment him on things when you can.

Gemela and I are not doing well at all. I think that is mainly due to the fact that she, like your husband, just want to pretend that this will all magically disappear some day. Most recently, she called me two days ago at the office and told me she had to go into town to buy pasta for lasagna as she had committed to take lasagna to a lunch for some Latin women the next day. Unfortunately the commissary here did not have the pasta.I told her to call a taxi and come pick me up after work and we would go together. She called back and said there were no taxis so she would have to take the bus. I dropped her off at the bus stop and went home to take care of the DD's. On a hunch, I drove back to the commissary and found dozens of boxes of pasta for lasagna. She came homw over an hour later than she should have for what she told me she was going to do.

This was one of her tricks during the PA. Make an excuse that she had to run to the commissary to get something. Two hours later she would come back and say she was late because she ran into a friend in the commissary and they got to chatting. So I am tired of her lies. I don't know what she did in town but I don't care either. I have had enough and I want her gone.

You need to be totally transparent with your husband. Don't let him have doubts about anything. That may make you feel like a prisoner at times but it will greatly help your recovery. It is just a price you have to pay. I hope things continue to go well for you. Don't talk to guys at the gym. Don't ever communicate with OM again. Be honest and open to your husband.

Mmm, I understand your "desconfianza" about her delayed in town...
That is something we (BS) need to deal, because everything is "sospechoso" as we had lied and hide things once.
I think a BS without support, and even if he or she thinks is recovered, is vulnerable...is like an alcoholic that knows that for him a first drink is enouhg to failed again and he needs to avoid it..
Even I feel I learned the lesson, I accept Im weak about this, and my M is not recovered so I need to be careful, and avoid any frienship male...
I dont understand why are you dont care about what gemela did in town.. why did she delay? Maybe you are "harto" about doing same things, research about if she chat with a friend or which was the real reason?
I dont understand ... or maybe I didnt understand.. are you telling me that you want to gemela leave your house? or just because you are mad you wrote that
"I have had enough and I want her gone."
I want to ask you another thing.
HAve you had troubles in your work as a result of your troubles at home?
I had and yesterday my boss told me a bad news for me, he reasign me another database (less important than the one that I had administrated for more than 3 years) and he said that at this moment Im not put enoguh atention...For me this was shocking.. but I need to be objective ant he is true... but right now I feel like a failed woman... not just at home but in work also... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I feel blue... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think you pretty much "diste al clavo". Yes, "estoy harto".

I don't really think, after hearing the explanation, that gemela did anything in town. What I realize, however, is that she has complete disregard for my feelings. She is still being totally selfish and I feel like she expects me to just deal with all my problems. The question is why I should have to investigate what gemela did. "Normal" husbands and wives don't have to do those things.

Yes I had a great deal of problem at work. I became almost non-functional. Fortunately for me, even in my poor mental state, I still outperform the majority of my peers. My company has pretty low expectations of its employees. While that may sound like a good thing - trust me - it is he11. I prefer to be excited about what I do. Anyway, this is where AD medication really helped me. The bad news is that it took about 4 weeks for it to take effect. If you are not taking AD medication, I highly recommend it. I also went to my boss before starting the medications and told him honestly that gemela and I were having problems and that I was depressed. He did not need to know the details. My boss is a family man by nature and was very understanding.

Anti-depressant medications do not keep me from being depressed but they allow me to deal with the depression and allow me to focus on projects at work.

Hi, tear...

I understand you feel like a failed woman...at work and at home...you aren't, you know...

Your boss made that choice not based on who you are, but where your focus has been...doesn't mean you failed...

Same way with the affair...you lost your focus...

You might not have known you control your focus...you choose it...your thoughts...you do not have to obsess and worry, if you don't choose to.

Is that something you'd like to work on?

LA

Hi
You're lines show you more than mad,,, HARTO.. and Im wonder:
How show your anger?
How you let those feelings away? Are you drink? are you speak with a friend? are you hide your feelings to your wife? are you having professional help? I think you are , thats why you are takinkg pills for depression...
Have you ever doubt about gemela love for you ? ( wow I think I wrote bad the idea, Has dudado alguna vez del amor que te tiene gemela?) obviously I think when you discover her A, you thought she never loved you, but what about time after A... How can you be sure that she is in love with you? How long since you discover her A? How time in plan A? how time in recover?
Which things does gemela do and keep you in fight for your M? I know you love her but where do you take the strenght to keep fighting ? in your daughters? where?

Reading about your work, I feel less terrible, because I human and this process has been painful and difficult... when my H started to be violent, this put my love for him in test... and I just cant to focus on my work.... my boss know about my EA and he knows also about violence at home... and Im afraid he could told my coworkers about this and its so embarrassing... because you can almost read in his eyes (why did you permit this? why you dont leave him? why you are so ...idiot?) all my coworkers are man... some more machos than others... but man... and they think different...

I have been always too exigent with myself... I had excelent grades on university, bla bla bla,, and now ,know that because of my poor performance in work I lost best oportunity to keep me "actulizada" in my area... this is something I need to accept... but Im depress because this... I told my H about this and I told him I was so depress an he is not so tender as I want.. I dont know if this is because of my A of just because me.

I read article about "why women leave man?" and I feel identified about several things...and other days I think "Do I do things to keep my H in love with me?" I think answer is yes, but his answer would be no..... He didnt accept why if I love him, why I cheat him with another m....

piojito, take a deep breath.... think why you got married with gemela. dont give up!! not because your daughters, because YOU...

man and women express different our emotions, I know...

Well this is your thread and not mine but I will try to answer. It has been 11 months since Dday. Recently I went through a couple of weeks of anger but that seems to have gone away. No I don't drink alcohol any more and haven't for almost two years except when we go to Bahrain specifically so gemela can drink "Sol" beer and I join her.

I was getting help but am no longer because gemela stopped that for me. I am taking AD medication which has helped a lot - primarily in my work.

I used to believe that gemela loved me but now I don't. She has told a couple of friends that she never loved me in all our marriage and that she never really loved anyone until she met OM. Now I believe she is still in love with OM and is only staying here because of the children. That is the only reason I let her stay too. They are the only strength I have any more to try to salvage the marriage. I have been in Plan A for almost the full 11 months and we have not yet begun recovery in my opinion because gemela is still not working toward the marriage. Gemela is just sitting by and waiting hoping that this will all somehow magically get better by itself if we ignore it long enough.

I am glad your boss knows about your problem. That will help you to an extent. If he tells others, that is very unprofessional of him. Even so, people are people. Don't be ashamed when you go to work. Don't be paranoid. Go to work and hold your head high. Be proud that you have taken ownership of the problems you have created and that you are even taking physical abuse to try to right the wrong. You say you are muy exigente. I tend to think you are muy especial. You get mad when you fail and you probably even consider your problem with your husband a failure. Don't be so hard on yourself. You can't change the past but you can learn from it and make a better future. You lost an opportunity at work. Make another. You lost your old stale marriage. Make a better one. Take all that strength, creativity and perseverance you used to get excelent grades and use those in more productive endeavors - your life, your family, your marriage, your job. Dig down and find where you are strong and use it to your advantage.

And if you have a coworker look at you crosswise, just tell him que se vaya al carajo. Keep your head up. Hard to do when you are depressed.

gemela and I have to separate. I just don't see any other way. Right now she is like a classic "country club" mom. She doesn't need to fix any problems because she doesn't have any problems to fix. If she gets a little depressed about not loving me, she can just go off and daydream about OM. The rest of the time she can stay distracted and keep busy. I think she needs to have all this removed from her life so she can have time to decide if it really has any value for her or not. I guess my feeling is that you don't really know what you have until it is gone. I don't think she values me or our marriage. Let her live without it for a while and see if she is right or wrong. Either way, I will be better off than I am now.

Sorry, the question I forgot to answer is if I talk to anyone. The answer is yes. I have a good friend who I work with and have known for 17 years that I vent to. He doesn't offer any advice but it helps me to say things out loud. He knows gemela well and is a good friend of the family. I went for months keeping it from him and then one day I just spilled it all. I probably spent an hour every day for a couple of weeks talking about it. Now we hardly ever talk at all about the A. We have started talking recently because he asked how things were going so I asked his opinion about sending DD's to Mexico.

I do discuss a lot of this by private email with an MB member and I get a lot of good advice. Unfortunately we are now having an EA. Yes - it is out - ToddAC and I are having an EA. I admit it. ToddAC has been my truest and best friend through all of this and he has been extremely helpful. I also get occasional whacks with a 2x4 by email from a big Viking. I really listen to him because he scares me.

It is very important to talk to someone. Not necessarily for advice. Just say it out loud to someone who cares about you and it is such a relief. More than anything it really helps you understand that you are not as alone as you feel sometimes. Even if I were going to IC or MC, I would still talk about this with a friend or two. I am always direct and tell that person I do not want advice. I have been pretty lucky. It is still all my problem. I am not expecting anyone else to solve it for me.

Thank you for all your words... your lines "me pusieron los ojos vidriosos" (almost cry) I need to be strong....
In fact I want to share with you some things about your lines, but now I cant.
I just talked by phone with my H and he never call me so it was strange... and guess what he was reading THE LETTERS!!!!
The one's that hurt him more..... he insist in that Im not telling the truth.. he told me.. "Im not convinced.." and I asked him why do you dont keep letters where OM suggested me dont give up and love you" he doesnt answer anything....
Im afraid the nightmare still continue...
I he is waiting for me to told him that I slept with OM, he can wait forever because that wasnt true!!!!
If I dont have enough troubles at work, today would be a difficult night in home...
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Im in shock, I just read a post from you (11 month later) I didnt read all, and I need to accept I dont understand some things...and ... I wish I could share with you some experiences but I cant,, you know why....
Estas bien sentimentalmente? te sientes fuerte? seguro?
No soy quien para darte un consejo but be careful with main decisions if you are not sentimental healthy.
Best wishes for your DD's....
Espero poder leer con calma lo que escribiste, esa carta que le vas a dar a gemela es tan ... bueno asi lo sientes y lo expresaste... será duro para ella...
Tu decisión está tomada,,, y aceptarás las consecuencias de la misma..
Que todo resulte como lo planeaste, y tus hijas puedan estar bien....
I want to post in your thread... espero poder hacerlo aunque desde la casa no puedo y acá en el trabajo ya sabes que he tenido consecuencias por todo esto.. ojalá pueda.


"If you love someone, let it go, if it returns its yours, if not it never was"

Are you still belive this is "caca de toro"


Well I need to leave office and go to gym, at least Im going to do some exercise, and I need to confess you that Im afraid of what is going to happen in house as a result of my H was reading the letters...
Si se atrevió a golpearme por la espalda, me da miedo....Y no me gusta tener miedo de alguien que amo....
Como puede convivir el miedo y el amor juntos?

No entiendo...
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One thing that MB people have pounded into me is that you can't control the other person. It does not matter what gemela does. We cannot continue like we are. It is better to have all of nothing than 50% of something when it comes to a marriage.

Gemela has always had the ability to make her own choices. I suspect that family issues (mother's disappointment and fact that father still doesn't know), religious beliefs, her personal status and all other factors make her feel trapped. Keep in mind that, although I don't know exactly how many people here now about the A, I don't think it is very many. Gemela has worked very hard to establish her status as a great mother and wife. Our neighbor's wife did the very same thing although she left of her own accord and abandoned her children believing that OM would divorce his wife and be with her forever. Instead he dumped the neighbor's wife and stayed married. Now everyone thinks and talks very badly about the neighbor's wife.

I think gemela is trying to protect everything but the right thing. I am not saying she is not interested in the marriage because I don't know one way or the other. I think gemela is still focused on the wrong things - and it is still all about her and how people view her.

Am I prepared to lose gemela forever? Absolutely. Part of me hopes I never see her again. You can't be in a position like this for a long time and not lose your love. I still love her but I love me too and I won't allow me to suffer like this any longer. Do I hope gemela decides to eventually come back? Yes I do. But I want her to come back because it is what she really wants to do. She needs time to get herself back and decide what she wants out of life.

Emotionally I am in pretty good shape. I don't have any doubts. In the past, I would have. I don't think I was ready for this until now. The fact that she refuses IC, MC, the lasagna incident, etc. are just too much.

Have you asked your husband what it is going to take to get him to believe what you are saying? I know you have probably done that during a fight but have you done it calmly and sincerely? Have you asked your husband what are his requirements? What does he need from you? What does he need in order to start believing (not trusting) you? Don't mention trust. You don't deserve that for a long time. I know it is frustrating that he doesn't believe you when you tell the truth but that is a result of any affair.

Yes I asked him (calmly) , and he said I dont know....
I asked him about how I can do deposit to our love bank.. and he said,, "well you havent be tender, and cariñosa, because you are not .. "I told him that I can learn to be more tender,, and now if I write him a word as kisses in an email or in a letter,, he just remember that I use same word in my comunication with OM so I avoid this...
AS we use emails as a communication way with OM my H dont answer my emails.... so this is so frustrated....
If I want to send him an email postcard he is going to associate this with me and OM sending us postcards... and for me is difficult.