Hi again from way up here in Canada - summer weather outside, but inside, in my heart and mind(and yours too?) there is still a big storm.

I've been looking at your above message and wondering what to say.
In my own case (I am the BS - Betrayed Spouse), I followed the advice from a different message board. The advice there is to hold back, don't be too quick with making contact. Avoid looking desperate or needy.

This fits my style very well, because by nature I am a quiet person (a northern temperament). We've been living separate for one year now (it all started 2 years ago). It was not too difficult to keep the temper down, although that was sometimes difficult to tolerate the irrational unfair attacks on me, and I was not always cool, calm and collected. But fortunately things never got too far out of control.

Now I think so, that keeping the communication going is pretty important, especially in the early stage like the first 6 -12 months. I didn't do that and I regret, it was a pretty big mistake. Keeping quiet did me more harm then good, continue talking was the most important thing. That's why I think it's important to keep writing anyhow.

The other side is, meetings like the ones you described earlier on, need to be avoided at all cost, because it destroys any left-over love, and feels like being at risk, and it will put an end to the whole story. Your relationship won't survive the feeling of insecurity.

When he says that he wants to tell him, not write to him, I think this needs a translation: Maybe it really means he wants to make it a reason to keep the connection alive of meeting in person, because you can use writing as a method to keep him at a distance, he might be a bit afraid of that. The words have a very different meaning what they seem to be at first. Secretly he may be glad to get the mail anyhow, because it gives him a chance to loudly demonstrate his hurt.

The fact that he doesn't answer is just part of his game, giving him a method to punish you. I bet he is reading your sent messages anyhow, even if he doesn't write back. If you meet him, it should be in a place where it's too embarrassing to get too angry, that is, in a public place, not in the privacy of the home, where there are no limits. It's too hard to keep things under control.

When writing, you could say that you respect his thinking, but writing is a safer way of discussing your differences, and that you don't want to have another meeting like the last one.
So either you meet in a safe place outside the home, or write.
You'll have to overlook the exaggerated behaviour, and write anyhow.

I would like some advice about trying to get my Wife to talk about reparing out marriage. This is my 1st time on here.
We have been married for almost 11 years and have 2 girls 7 & 10.
I have recently read "His needs, her needs" and it was an awakening of what I need to do but can't get my wife to try and work on our marriage, I am still so in love with her.

She has told me that she is no longer in love with me and doesn't want to try anymore. She tells me she has been unhappy for alomost a year and that she has tried for a few months but is over trying and wants to move on.
It is my fault that we came to this. I have never cheated emotionaly or physically but was not meeting many of her needs emotionaly. She had been trying before to reach out to me but obviously I was not responding. I did not realize that she was this unhappy until recently.

We still live together and she says that she will always love me but the the feelings just aren't there for her anymore. She has told me that when our girls start shcool a few weeks that she will start looking for a job or go back to school and that she will start looking for her own place.

She tells me that I am now to clingy to her but if I would have done this months ago then it probably would have changed things.

She is also having an emotinal affair (EA?) I know he has beeting meeting her emotional needs and refuses to stop the EA. He lives overseas. She tells me that it is more like a fantasy and has said that if she ever did get with him that it would likely not work.

bhammel,

On the main forum listing, click on the "post" button and start your own thread. It will get more response that way.

DMbx,
Im agree with you and I keep trying to get close to my H.. I need to let him know that even my behaviour (EA) I never stop love him (he thinks that)..
Its not easy but I need to do it.
SOmetimes only if I got angry, he listen to me... about hear me instead of watch TV by example...
I need to stop to figure out what does my H thinks because as he is so shy, and close person, he almost always dont say anything, and Im so analytic and I figure out a possible answer.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Tear,

I admire your spirit and commitment...I believe you really feel what BS's go through.

Would you consider that you can't get close to your H? You can be close...you can only control yourself...you can share your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...simple sentences...and when he speaks, listen and repeat...know only he can be close to you by being there...not in your power, no more than you being close to him is in his power.

You cannot make someone feel love...they feel it. It's theirs. No one can make you know you're loved...your beliefs are your own. Acting love, which I believe you do, is from your choice to love...

Would you consider these beliefs?

We do not earn love...or punishment...that is parental...for training...teaching...and we are adults...with our own experiences, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, ideas, perceptions and perspectives...all of which, we choose...and no one chooses them for us. We do that. Respect your H as a separate, equal, whole, complete human being, as marvelously made as you are...capable of choosing to believe you love him as you are.

I used a rule of thumb which stood me well...if I didn't feel heard, I listened to myself more...if I didn't feel admired, I admired myself more...appreciated, accepted, respected...more...self-care is really important to break this earning love, filling ourselves up from the outside, instead of the inside...which destroys our marriages.

Your H thinks, feels and believes...he does not choose to share...he is capable of sharing himself...you cannot control him in anyway...not be the cause, control or cure of anything within him...you can be safe. You can not act out your anger...you can know where it comes from...find the belief...be okay in yourself with what you feel. You can share what is you, using "I feel" and "I believe" statements.

This won't change him...it will change you. You're half of the marriage...I believe when we change our interaction change.

As DMbx shared with you...and the rest of us...withdrawing doesn't work and invading doesn't work...staying present does. Being authentic and honest works. Why? Because then you are neither protecting yourself over the marriage (withdrawing) nor are you putting what is yours onto your partner (invading).

I learned to not react, but to act...tear, you can do this...you can choose what you do and why you do it, not because of what your H does or doesn't do...but from your own code, of your own making...your standards and boundaries.

Use your thirst to know, and turn it inward...do not DJ your H...or yourself. Use your analytic nature for you, inside...and be present, honest, which I believe are acts of love...

LA

LA
In this moment Im going to disappoint you...
This morning I sent an email to my H, saying thanks because yesterday he take care of me because I had a terrible pain in my hand (I dont know the word in english but its an articulation down the hand) My H is a doctor and several times he doesnt take care of me..
So taking this as a pretext I sent it and said him how much I love him,,, and kisses and stuffs like that..
As usual I didnt expect any answer but for my surprise he answered it, copying next to my email an email that I sent to OM, where I said similar things to OM!!...
My H thinks that I have sex with OM, and this is not true..
I speak about passion, in OM email, but I wasnt speak about sex.. OM is older than me and his point of view of some aspects of life for me shows lot of passion..
Its so hurt this.. Im trying and my H is obsessive with my EA...
So I cant sent my H kisses by email because once I sent also kisses to OM?
I cant call him love, because once I use same word with OM?
I dont understand.. what else can I do?
Do I need to keep for myself this anger that I feel?
I wish to explain to my H that he is obssesive and maybe we neeed to be on distance in order to decide if he wants to stay with me or not...
I dont understand..
Last weekend I had SF with my H and it was great,,, and now this,...
My H keeps a copy of last letter that I sent to OM (I wrote it before my H discovered my EA). My H keeps this letter inside his laptop's briefcase.. and everytime he read it, its like living again our D day... Sometimes he wants to get drunk becausee of this, and sometime he call me by phone and ask me "what happen with you and OM?"
Im so angry,, and sad,,, Im at the office and I started to cry even I tried to be quiet and in calm...
I failed to my family, yes, but I think I have supported somethings as my H violence and we are in same place as D day.

Do I need to keep this feelings just for me? or do I need to tell to my H?

I wish I could dissaper from here for some weeks...

I'm not disappointed in you, tear...that would be a DJ, assuming so...'k?

What you are experiencing are consequences to your A...and a lot of your anger is not at BH, but at yourself...sort through it...find where your own expectations...that your BH chose to stay, should be working harder on forgiveness, meeting ENs, changing, growing...find those expectations and stop them in yourself...we get angry with ourselves...we form our own expectations and hold others to them...very subtle, not outright...and we feel terrible pain, fear and anger, as if it is coming from them.

You had an expectation with your appreciation email...now look at what you have control over...you...and your choice to thank him remains yours...a great choice...not based on response or results...you took your step...let go the rest.

Can you see how you create a lot of anxiety in yourself when you take what happened this time and make it your future? You don't know your future...there's no always in it, is there, really? You know that for today, your BH showed you that he hurts because he doesn't choose to believe your words because they were given to another...that's his, not yours, tear...can you see that?

"Good to know." That was my phrase...it is good to know that your BH is choosing to let you know how he feels, what he believes...do not go past that into DJs (disrespectful judgments)...assumptions or mindreading his intent or your own future...stay present. Tomorrow, if you feel appreciation for something he did today, will you send an email saying those words, stating your truth...that you love him?

Or are you going to change what you do based on his possible response? This is important...because that means he controls you, doesn't it? And he can't. No more than you can control him...at all. Not possible. See the choices...choose from your own code. Stay the course and stay present...stay true.

Would you add the timeline for your A to your sigline? The dates beginning and ending; last contact...I believe there are real stages of recovery, and I don't no when NC was, or the duration of the EA...

You are experiecing great pain...of rejection...of helplessness, of finding your limits as a human...intense time, pain time...goes slowly...but it goes. Remember, this too shall pass...God's words...all things come to pass...unless you keep living what is not here yet or hold onto what went before...and if you do that, you miss your life...which is only now.

Your BH is mourning in his way...make your O&H (open and honest statements) about yourself...your thoughts, feelings and beliefs..."I felt loved when you cared for my hand. I felt hopeless when you replied to my appreciation email."

When your BH asks you what happened between you and OM...are you honest? What do you say? What is your truth? Do you know why you had the A and why you will never have another A?

LA

LA
I understand your point of view, and you are right.. Depends of me if rest of day is going to be sad an painful...
I know if I show my angry to my H he is going to stop telling me his feelings... and I dont want that..
About my EA details I have explained to my H but he is obsessive and he thinks we had an PA and this is not true.. but according to your point of view, that is his bussiness ? I need to stop get angry right? and yes is better for me... I cant change his mind, I only can change with all my effort myself....
Is his problem right? I had explained all and answer all his questions, but he wants to hear something that neve happend so our recovery is far far away right?

About why I had an A, well I think I felt lonely ,and my selfsteem was down. I "met" OM online and we started to chat, for hours, we had things in common and then I was confused about what I felt for OM... Now I know that I was blind, and I never knew that OM was so charming, as he got involved with a married woman.. And believe me we never speak as "us" or our love or something like that...
OM was a romantic man, and he always sent me ecards with kisses and thinks like that.. And I answered him in same way,,, My H didnt understand why I was so interested in OM and now I dont...
My H is "watching me" all time, you know, he is worry because he thinks Im going to look for OM.
But he is wrong.. and I havent failde in this,,,
About why do I never have another A? well I know that I was weak and that a male friendship is like play with fire in my case, at leas in this moment, and I prefer to stop a relationship and then started a new one..
I dont sure what is going to be my reaction this afternoon when Im going to see my H at home..
I wish I can be.. quiet and in calm,, in order to stop another argue as we use to had.

Thanks for reading and for your words... it has been helpfull because I was so frustrated... and in this cases Im impulsive and instead of solve things I only put them worst.

< Quote : I dont sure what is going to be my reaction this afternoon when Im going to see my H at home..
I wish I can be.. [color:"blue"] quiet and calm [/color] in order to stop another argument as we use to have.>

!!! Quiet and Calm ... by the time you are reading this you probably had your meeting already. I wish for you that you found that strong woman inside you, so that you could be calm.

From my own experience i know how difficult is is, it is very hard to keep quiet when the other person gets angry, and says bad things. It is a big struggle to stay peaceful, but staying calm is the best opportunity to create change.
If it helps you ... I tried to keep my mind on an IMAGE, picture of the person who I wanted my spouse to remember. Even if (and it probably will not be) a 100% success, it is still a succes if it happens at all.

Keep the anger down is the way to go up. Best of luck...

You're right, tear...

You can't change his mind. You can speak yours...calmly, respectfully, during the A question sessions. "I cannot change your mind, DH. I know I will earn you trust in my honesty again, over time. I respect you believe it was PA."

Can you see where there is no argument here? Acknowledge what you hear, repeat...hand back...gently.

About your why for choosing an A...this may be why your H isn't accepting what you're telling him as truth...

If this is your truth, tear...that you were blind, duped...that it wasn't your choice, then there is no safety ever again in your marriage. Can you see that? You can be duped again...if this was accidental...something you were unprepared for...because in different circumstances, it really could happen again...

He may be looking for your next OM because you believe this A sneaked up on you...he's looking out FOR you...

Can you get to a deeper truth, tear? Can you know exactly why you made the choice to betray your marriage, your H?

When you do...there won't be a "I think" in it...lonely is about you and yourself, not others...and we build our own self-esteems...no one else can do that for us authentically...praise is fake. Others' judgments do not come close to our own.

I believe you will have your H back from BH when you really get to your truth here...that is where your fear, his fear, collide...not quiet and calm. Oh, no!

You have power, tear...all humans do...we choose every single thing in our lives...what we believe, know, think, perceive and create...we choose. Know your real power...learn to understand it and embrace it. And know your human limit...you can only control you, tear...no one else on the planet. All equal and separate...and they cannot control you.

When you get this, and use listen and repeat, then you'll be choosing to live respectfully, and know that your BH cannot tear you down, build you up, make you anything...you are. You are. He is. That cuts out a lot of argument, doesn't it? Listen to his truth, acknowledge it by repeating it...and dig to find the truth of your choice...

You can do this. You are not alone. (And DMbx is RIGHT ON...you've got great support here.)

LA

Your husband sounds like he is still very hurt. He is probably afraid to get close to you again.

Give him some time.

Hi Tear,

I see evidence that you are still comparing your BH to OM. This is not fair to your BH. It is very easy for an OM to be romantic. He does not have to deal with the daily trials and tribulations of life. Can you see this? Your relationship with OM was a fantasy. Your relationship with your BH is based in reality. Loving under conditions of reality is true love; OM is still a fantasy in your mind.

I submit that you will never get over OM until you stop making comparisons between OM and BH. Can you see this?

My WW is from Puerto Rico so I am familiar with Latin culture. As you know, it is generally accepted that men cheat but when a woman cheats, she is castigated. Do you feel that?

My WW has all but been disowned by her Father and her brothers. When her Father dies, she may not be allowed to attend his funeral. She would bring shame to his name and reputatation and would disrespect him.

Tear, you are angry that your BH feels the way he does. But try to see the situation from his viewpoint. You say that he doesn't want certain emails or ecards because you sent those to OM. Can you imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed? What if you knew that BH had sent an OW ecards and emails full of romanticism? Would that make you feel a little funny? Of course it would.

My best advice for you is to be as supportive as you possibly can. Try to see things through your BH's eyes instead of your own. It will take time for him to heal. Perhaps a lot of time.

Good luck Tear.

thanks to everyone here..
today I dont have time to post here.. tommorow

Hi guys,
Tod yes maybe you're right and sometimes I compare my H with OM... (not in a concient way) but I think Im doing less, and step by step Im going to stop to do it... I read some post that larousse wrote to gemela and I understand several things... about why we idealize OM.
Yesterday we spoke with my H about his email, do you remember? the one where he wrote some lines that I sent to OM... and I got angry.. and I didnt said anything.. I prefer this than starting another fight..
My H asked for an explanation, and I said him In a quiet way.. and well this was our first argue without fight... My H had been refusing to talk to anyone about my A and this time he called his mom... I left him in privacy to made the call and even he was mad.. he didnt got violent...
I started to do exercise and it has been so useful for me in order to let away from so much stress...
THis afternoon I called to my H asking if we are going to buy a new tire for our car,, (its expensive in the agency) and he answered me in a rude way "I dont know Im busy and he hangs up the phone", several times I had told him that if he is mad he take advantage from me (se desquita conmigo) and for me this is so sad and I feel lonely, and he havent any respect for me.. why he hang up?
Im tired of the way he speak to me if he is under stress,or tired, or bored, or busy,,,,,,
I know this shouldnt affect me in such way but it does.... I felt that Im not importan for him and he feels he can scream to me whenever he wants.... even my mother in law accept that her son has "bad humor".....
My H promised to pay phone bill, and he didnt and now our phone is broken at home,.... ALWAYS he forget to do things like this,,, but if I did, he regrets me and scream to me....
Nor even my father nor my mother used to scream to me.. maybe we should take some days separated in order to have clear what we want for our future...
I dont want that my H starts to scream to my daughter... just because he is not able to deal with his anger...
Im not perfect either,, (Im so far to this) but I accept my errors and Im doing something to recovery myself..

Im dessperate again.. Im going to pray God to give me some pacience....and peace...

Well I havent that pacience and when my H called me yesterday afternoon I answered same was as he did. "Im buzy and I hang up".... I know I shouldnt did but I was so angry, and I felt good... I dont know why but I felt good and without some anger.....
Its not fare that he always speak me in that way, so for first time I did same thing to he...
I know, I know this behaviour doesnt help us for our recovery, but I just couldnt...be quiet....

Hi, tear
<QUOTE: My H asked for an explanation, and I said him In a quiet way.. and well this was our first argue without fight... My H had been refusing to talk to anyone about my A and this time he called his mom... >

I was so glad to read this ... Anger is such a difficult thing to get under control, but here is a pretty BIG sign of change. Even if it was just for a moment, but it says that **holding back the anger made a difference.**

It is not easy at all, but you can be the better example.

Hola Tear:

I have thought about you because recently my mom was diagnosed hypotiroidism. My older sister has had it for more than 12 years. I wanted to share with you some personal observations about the way this illnes can affect the life of the paciente and the family.

As you know there are several causes of hypotiroidism and it's not easy to determinate the cause, neither the kind of hypotiroidism. Althougn in theory, once the patient starts to take Levotiroxin, there should be a follow up of exams to evaluate if the tiroide is working and if the levotiroxina has reached is normal amount. The basic step of verify that the amount of Levotiroxin is adecuate for each pacient and the blood exam of tiroidal perfil, are not done in Mexico. With out this verification, many pacientes are left with less or more hormons that the amount they need.

In theory once the hormone level is normal, all the symtomps* should disappear, unfortunately, I have not meet anyone with hypotiroidism that has recovered his the previous state.

I tell you all this because one of the consecuences of hypotiroidism is an acute rage, very fast to start and very intense. Most of the time the anger reaction is not in proportion with the cause.
Although you may never recover a -normal- level of anger, you can learn different coping strategies. It helps if the partner and the family are aware of the diferences between a -normal- anger state and one associated to hypotiroidism.

Another symptom is the acute tiredness, the need to sleep, the lack of strenght to do anything, different from the lack of desire of a person suffering from depresion.

Other caracteristics that is present in the most severe cases is a rather flexible idea of reality, a selective memory and sometimes a exacerbated libido.

The sadest part of this illness is that it has not dramatic physical signs other than the weight gain and the people around the person with hypotiroidism some times has problems to understand how it affects the daily life of the peple that has it. I hope you are getting enough medical attention and I would encourage you strongly to ask for blood test periodically, in theory some times the tiroids recovers by itself but it is not possible to know unless the levotiroxine is suspendend, under medical control of course.

I also sugest you to write a diary and to keep track of your mood changes and write your ideas. Ask a relative, maybe no your husband to help you track your behavior, it's important that you find out if your sense of reality, your impression of facts, is been impaired by your illness. The neourological aspects of hypotiroidism are not been diagnosed nor treated by the endogrinologist, in Mx.

On the marriage front...

Read again the information available on this site, the articles about Love Busters, Disrespect judgements, angry outburst. Don't make the forums your only source of enlightment although there are several ones that are very interesting at the moment. Follow Mimi in her Personal Recovery and she and others, if I could remember where, have had very interesitng reflexions about the differences between men and women. If you want to have a unexpensive comunication couching, invite LovingAnyway to your treat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Maybe you keep resenting the way your husband is, instead of acceptig him and comunicating with him in a way he understands.

One of the things I love more about MB is the idea of getting a plan. Get a plan to improve yourserlf and your marriage. Repent profussely and sincerely and at the same time learn to have healthy interactions with your husband.
If after you have done anything in your power to improve yourself and your half of the marriage and after you have given all proves of repentance, if your marrigae doesn't move to a recovery, then you may think on taking other steps.

It seems sometimes the FWW, orFWS, wish to start the next chapter of their lifes after admiting an infidelity, they find it difficult to understand why the BS doesn't forget about the past. The BS lives this desire to leave everything in the past from the FWW as a sign that the infidel is not aware of the impact of his or her actions and is not truly repentant, just wants to avoid the pain and the shame.

So, you can't impose a time frame for your husband to forgive you or to forget about the EA but you can implement new ways to interact with him.

Start by avoiding long talks or discussions. Identify all your strategies that in the past have not resulted for you when you try to comunicate with your husband. Although afection and caring is very important for you, it seems your husband doesn't get easily to those stages. Identify his needs and try to fulfill them. If he's not ready to talk about your needs, give him time.

All in all it seems your husband doesn't know how to be a man, I mean the family man, the head of the house. As much as you which that he would take more responsabilities, you have to inform yourself more about respect and comunication before attempting to change the roles both of you have had so far in your marriage.

Think, read, make a pause and take good care of yourself.


I hope things improve for yourself. It's difficult to keep a treat in another language. I have noticed that the posters that get more help here are the ones who are more actives about helping and changing themselves and geting a plan.

Suerte

thank you larousse for your words....I really appreciate it..

This has been one of my harder days in my life...
I think my M is finished.... and it hurts so much...!!!I think my M is finished.... and it hurts so much...!!!I think my M is finished.... and it hurts so much...!!!
Im so depressed that I need support...
Last weekend my H hang up the phone when I called him , I was angry and I did same thing to him , in house nobody spoke about those incidents, yesterday he answered me a trivial question in a rude way, I got more sad,, and worst because I had a pain in my right hand as a result of typing on computer,, it hurts aand I need to be on rest and try to not use my hand,,, (wristle?) (muñeca in spanish)
My H was watching TV and I was doing the laundry,,,, it hurts me so I asked him help.. he said he didnt heard me and I finish all alone...then I cooked and again you need to use for all your right hand,,,, I felt that my H doesnt have any interest in me..

I asked him in a quiet way,, "why do you say that you still love me?" and he answered me "because you are my wife and you are my daugher's mother" and thats it,,,,,,
He told me that he spoke with his mother and he suggested him to hang on, and support whatetever I do to him just because oour daughter,,,, and he said, I think everything has a limit and thats it...


I asked him "Do you want to be separated".. and he said "as you wish, do whateever, I dont care...,.. I felt so frustrated and sad and as his briefcase was near from me
and I knew that he kept a copy of last email that I wrote to OM... and alwaays when he read that letter he got angry and furioous...and I broke the letter in small pieces.. and he got furious and I was afraid of his reaction,, he took letter pieces from the garbage and I aasked him to throw it again, and try to recover our M..he didnt answered and he tried to put pegament to the lettter for rebuild it...

I asked, so "you are going to continue with this,,,, obssessivee with what I did.??? its morre important your pride and machista ego than our love? our family?

He said "think what do you want"

I was out of mind and I took my D and left the house... my H asked me to leave our D sleeping, I denied and I went to spent rest of night to an hotel near from house..
For me was devastaaaded, affortunately my D was sleepping but today in morning was asking me "why we are here mommy"? where is my dad? is he angry? di you fight with him?
It was terrible...




I doont know what to do..

I almost sure that my H wanted the letter becaause there I wrote that my H could use my afffair to have my D's custody,, so that is like a prof of my A..

He shows me aanger,, most of the time,,,,,, and he never apologize,, he said I should said thanks that he is in house deeespite my A.

HE called me again "baad woman" (in order to not be censurated here) and I think he believees Im one...

Tear,

Instead of taking the email and tearing it to pieces...why not ask your BH..."What can I do to help you heal?"

Instead of asking "why do you say you love me"...why not state that you fear him? "I love you, DH. I fear you do not love me. I fear punishment because I punished you. I fear being unloved by you because that's how I convinced myself to choose an EA...that you didn't love me."

Statements of truth...and no, tear...grabbing your DD, an INNOCENT in your marriage...and going off...Tell, Tear...did you do that when he hit you? Did you think to remove you and your child from his violence? But you do from his disdain, his heartbreak, YOUR discomfort...

Do you have priorities? Do you want to keep reacting to your life or choose it?

When you asked for his help with the laundry...and he said he didn't hear you...then why did you CHOOSE to continue? Why not come into the room, say "DH? I need help with laundry and dinner...will you be my right hand for a half hour, please? I'll be the left one."

And I'm with BH...yes, Tear...I have told my H many times, "Thank you...thank you for your presence, for your choice to stay in this marriage." You have cut him to his core...gone to what is a core hurt...and time, effort, consistent dedication is needed...and you aren't doing that.

You are still wayward, Tear. You are resentful, demanding, not working on your own personal recovery, your own boundaries...you don't even know that your A was your choice...yours alone...hence, you don't know if you'll have more, do you?

What your H believes, thinks, feels...are his. Not yours. Not your doing...your actions hurt everyone...you, your daughter, your H, your extended family...all in involved...but we each bear the responsibility for handling our emotions...they are ours. Show me how you handle yours? When you feel anger, do you sit with? Look behind it and find fear or pain or both? Do you trace back that fear to a belief you've had since you were a small child? Is that belief even valid today?

One might be that if you say you're sorry, you'll be forgiven. That's from our small child..."Say you're sorry to your sister!" Guess what? We are adults...we have to own every part of what we did, why we did it and vow to not do it again...and MAKE amends...for a small child, saying "sorry" is amends...we forget to teach our children, as they grow, so does their responsibility, and the size of their amends.

You know what to do, tear. I see you refusing to do it. You retaliate--you punish back, you hold him to your standards...tell him he should be different...not hurting himself with the email...not being angry, hurt or fearful of you...why? Why do that, tear? He is an adult...he is in charge of his own stuff...you are not. You can only control you...and you keep looking at him, as if he controls you...YOU CHOOSE, tear. You are choosing your life and experiencing the consequences of your choices.

Choose not to do laundry or make dinner...rather than resent. You will not die of exposure, or starvation...you will emotionally die of the poison that is resentment...and you are giving it to yourself.

LA

LA
In fact I had asked my H about ..."What can I do to help you heal?"
And he didnt answered anything..
And also I said that "I fear you do not love me. I fear punishment because I punished you"
And in this case he said, maybe...

He said I humiliate him... that I never respects him as a person..

In our M all decisions or almost all I do..

I know it was stupid, and inmature my behaviour, I just exploted...

I thought I was working on myself recovery, but now I know that I just do it for a short time..

I need my H supppport.. I need a hug,,, yesterday before the terrible battle,, I told my H how much I love him, asked again for his forgiveness and he started again as in our D day to scream to me and he said bad things...I deserves I guess..

He is doctor and he said Im a crazy woman...

I know I was as a crazy, and my D is innocent in all this,

I dont now what to do..

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