It sounds like you have just finally understood and accepted the reality of things. It doesn't mean that you no longer love your husband. Right now you don't have a marriage so this is neither good nor bad for it. This is something you have to do for you. If your husband ever snaps out of the tailspin he is in, he will have to do the same thing. Then maybe the two of you can decide what your marriage will be.

Whether this feeling lasts or not depends on whether it is indifference or acceptance. If it is indifference, it won't last and will be followed by anger and depression. If it is acceptance, congratulations.

You have been apart from your husband a long time. He is sleeping with another woman. It is really hard to stay head-over-heels in love with a man in the situation you are in. Just remember - you LOVE him but are not IN LOVE with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

i love him but i am not in love with him? That sounds awefully like a WS's sentences..lol.

Husband just told me two days ago again, he is a realist.. so that means he sees reality, right? Guess this is his reality and i have mine.

I know it is not indifference, indifference is what i feel for FOM, he is nothing to me... he is like any other stranger on this planet. I will never feel indifference towards my Husband, for that our love was too deep and we have been together for far too long. I will always care for this man, even 40 years down that road, and i truly believe that. Or did you mean indifference toward the situation? I think i have accepted the situation, i have accepted my own faults and i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I am just at the point i guess where i dont have any expectations, i take it day by day as he is doing. In time i might decide it is time to leave if i feel there is no hope for us. But for now i feel committment to my marriage reguardless of how my feelings are, because i know if we were to get back togehter again, those feelings would change again. They are not permanent. He has to make that choice to leave OW himself and committ to the marriage and believe in it again. I on the other hand make the choice to stay faithful to him as long as i am married to him, i honor my vows as i now know what they mean.

If i do decide to leave someday, it will be to start over new, with my own life. But i will not have another affair as long as i am married, i will get a divorce before i even think about open my mind and my heart to another man. I WILL NOT make the same mistake ever again, whether with my Husband nor with any other man that i might end up with. Lessons learned for me means, mistakes are not being repeated. And i hope my children will learn from having been part of all of this, from watching everything how sacred a marriage is, and that they should think very well before entering that state, as once you are in it, you have made a choice for life, and you have made a promise the day you made those vows. If my children ever get to the point where they want to marry, i will sit down and talk to them about understanding that the step they are going to make is a decision for life, and that it takes work to stay in a marriage, i think i will watch the marriages of my kids pretty closely... lol... because i will do anything to prevent them from having to go through what my husband and me had to go through. No, i will not get involved, but maybe i can point them to little problems that they might overlook and that way they might be able to deal with those instead of an affair later on. Hope i dont become a meddling MIL...LOL... nah... that aint me... so no worries <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Daggi,

These two quotes pretty much sum up where I'm at right now. The thing is, when my wife crashed after the first new guy cheated on her, she was down and depressed like you were for a couple of days (days that she talked to me quite a bit), but immediately found another new guy to meet her needs. She's back to being happy again. Why should she think about going out with me sometime when this next new guy is making her happy, yaknow? If there were some long dry spell she had, then I'm willing to bet she'd want to go out sometime, but that will never happen. She will always have a new guy to make her happy and I can never be that new guy because I'm not new... I'm old and come with baggage. There's no awkwardness with a new guy where there would be with me. If she feels like there's something missing with this next new guy, she'll just bail and try on the next guy until she finds another true match for her as I was. Like you said, the only way she and I could get the love back is a leap of faith out of pure commitment, which she has absolutely none.

She didn't contact me from Sat til Thurs when she called to ask if I could watch the dog for her. I did and then dropped the dog back off that night while she was still at work. As I was pulling out of the driveway, she was pulling onto the street and I just waved and kept driving. As I mentioned in my other thread there, she called my cell and said she got a message someone tried to access her voice mail. I told her she could check the logs and see that I didn't call at the time the message said someone did. She just shut off and said she was going to hang up. I said ok, there's no other way for me to prove it, but checking your messages wouldn't do me any good at this point. I didn't want to leave it like that where she thought less of me and wiped away all the progress I'd made, so I emailed her... there's a copy of the email in my thread there. Out of the entire email, all she zero'd in on was that I said I'm a better man because of all of this, a better boyfriend and I'll be a better husband some day. She IM'd me today while I was gone and said "You are a boyfriend?", then said she had some stuff to get done and logged off... all while I was away. I'm not sure why she'd ask that. I'm not sure it really matters if she'll just find a new guy every time she crashes. Where you crashed and realized your husband was what you wanted, my wife will just continue to find new guys to keep her happy... and eventually find a guy that keeps her happy long enough to get married and perhaps even have kids. Like you said, I don't see why she'd look me up when she crashes instead of calling up the next in line waiting to take her out. The passion and excitement of dating someone new that you mentioned, I feel will always be more exciting for her than dating me again, regardless of how much I've changed for the better.

If anyone has any ideas on how a former husband can overcome the excitement of new men when your wife has zero committment to the marriage, I'm all ears.

Hope some of my situation and how it's going helps somehow. You're not alone out there.

Daggi,

You seem so much smarter than me. I wish I had your wisdom. I suggest that you are now finally in a good condition to do your best Plan A. Give it more time if you are up to it.

Your husband says he is a realist but he is deceiving himself. There is nothing real about the life he is living. It just resembles reality for him and he does his best to ignore the parts that don't fit. He is not currently seeing reality - he is hiding from it. Reality is his debt. Reality is the police looking for him in Germany. Reality is two children who hate him and a wife abandoned in a foreign country. Some day he might see that. It is what we are all hoping for anyway.

Herb, how long has she been gone? The thing with the first guy didnt last long enough for her to see that the problem she has is within herself and not with someone else. She hasnt come to that conclusion yet, and usually that is quite a long process. You know i forgot to mention something on these boards before, and to tell you the truth with everything that has been going on, i forgot about them. But before i got hooked to that one guy for almost 2 years, there were two others that i met. Both had spend countless hours talking to me and i "felt" drawn to them and felt something for them... one was an overweight man about my age... the other was a man in his 50's. I was looking for validation... affirmation... i had defined myself through my husband, and that was gone due to the things that i created myself (which i had no clue about at the time, nor did i understand at all what was happening, all i knew was that i had feelings for other people). Both of these men, when i started clinging to them, decided to run for cover (one i was in contact with for 2 weeks, the other for about a month) The third that i finally got "hooked" on, was as desperate for affirmation as myself.. he was a 19-year old "kid" when i met him, living with his mom, he didnt receive much love in his family and i felt unloved in my relationship, that bounded us together. Since we felt kind of the same thing, and were looking for the same thing... we felt like "soulmates", its like patching a broken leg up with a band-aid. It worked for a while, but it bacame apparent that the leg cant be fixed that way.
Even after my affair was over, i still felt the same way, i wanted to go back to my husband, because i did realize that i couldnt find what i was looking for somewhere else, but there was still one very important thing that i hadnt learned. My husband wasnt able to give me that either, what i had to find was myself. I started clinging to my husband as i had done to the other guys, expecting him to fix everything. Didnt work.. i had to learn only i can fix myself. And even though my affair had been over since march last year, i only recently learned this about myself. Had my husband taken me back last year when i wanted to come back to him, i wouldnt have learned this lessen... maybe i would have... but chances are, i would have went right back into my old pattern, and i might have felt the same way again a few years from now, and history would have repeated itself. So in a way i am glad that my husband didnt take me back when i wanted back, it opened my eyes to myself.

I would bet money on it that your wife is going through the same motions, i dont know how long it will take her. It took me a very long time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Its like for many years i lived in some shell that i had created and i finally broke out of it. I feel like i have been reborn, i feel much freer now. I have more selfworth and i am more selfconfident. I think everyone in their life has to come to this point. I also believe that when people have repeated affairs, that they happen because they havent figured out that what they are looking for is right inside of them, not somewhere else.

hi Traic,

He was here yesterday, when he came he was not exactly in a good mood, the usual sweet hug and kiss was a pretty short hug and kiss when he came in. He was upset because OW had called or texted him while he was at home downloading some things for my son on his computer. That took longer than expected and he hadnt even been here yet. So she contacted him and told him that she thought he was doing "stuff" with me. I thought this was kind of hilarious, after all i am still his wife, even though he hasnt touched me in a while. But i didnt say anything when he said that, basically just acted like i didnt even hear it.

He sat down and put the things he downloaded on the laptop here so my son could play those games later on. He then also tried to fix the sound on the laptop which also took longer than he expected. After about an hour the messages on his phone started coming in, i didnt even bother trying to see what he or she was writing.. it is none of my concern, i do wish he wouldnt talk to her while he is in my apartment in the kid's room, but i am just ignoring this, after all he is only a visitor here and was talking to his gf. Well he didnt seem to be too pleased with the conversation, at one point when he lit himself a cigarette (in the kids' room, when he has a good day he leaves their room to smoke as they dont like when someone smokes in there) and he snapped the lighter shut. At one point he did go into my room to smoke a cigarette, i went with him and also smoked one, he told me there that next time when he comes over he will be over for longer, that he is not ignoring me, i just told him i know that he has a lot on his mind right now and that i understand. He did reach out for me a few times when he was over, like carressed my leg or whatever. I really feel a complete stagnation in the situation... i have set myself a timelimit to my plan A. If he is determined to not change the situation by that timeframe in either direction, i will have to make a decision, i havent set a timeframe on how long i will be here, but i set a timeframe when i will evaluate the situation on what it is by then. After he left he sent us all a goodnight, which he had never done before.

He has two job interviews coming up again, he dont think he gets the job, but he keeps trying. Money is very very short... as in non-existent, because he only got paid 1000 dollars this time, as he was sick a lot and couldnt go to work. When he tried pulling 150KD out of the tellar machine, it didnt spit it out, but deducted it out of the account. So now he has to go through the motions of filling out paperwork etc, that will take time and for now the money is gone. The other part of the money is already gone, i assume he used it to pay bills etc. So he couldnt give me any money, he had some dollars on him and gave me 20$, which in order to use it, i have to walk to fahaheel to get it exchanged... 1 hour walk in this brutal heat..it will be my last resort. He also left me one of his bankcards (as i left mine with my sister in germany so she has access to the account and can make some payments in our name to the bills we owe in germany) but since there is no money in the account, it wont do me any good at the moment, i guess he gave it to me, so he dont have to come by anymore to bring money, and he can just send me to pull out money for the kids and myself. I just hope i can still deal with all of this in the timeframe i have set for myself. I am trying to stick with my goal, but in the end i dont think anything i say or do will persuade him to give the marriage another try. The only way he will ever realize this, is if i am gone. The chances of him realizing it then are pretty slim to none at that, but.. never know.

Well... enough ranting and raving for now. Yesterday i was going to do the apology... but the way he was, i thought it was best not to do. I dont think he would have even heard what i said. Another thing was kind of weird... he had a jacket on... in this heat... and he was sweating... i asked him twice if he wanted to take the jacket off but he only reacted to it once and basically just said... yeah i know.. but kept it on.. he kept pushing the sleeves up higher and higher... and i started wondering what he was hiding.. so either he got a tattoo that states i love OW.. or he had one ****** of a hicky (spelling?). Either way.. it dont really concern me either. Its his life... his decision...

Daggi,

I left the house almost exactly a month ago now. She had started to detach emotionally in early December, although I didn't realize it until the week before I left a little over a month ago. Her fling with the first guy lasted a little over two weeks, but he'd already told her it wasn't going to work out less than a week into it and she still pursued him. Now she's been seeing this next guy for about a week and is already spending the night with him. I'm sure she's obsessing over him, clinging, etc.

Everything you say makes a lot of sense. It definitely sounds like you and she are going through the same thing. I guess I'm back to realizing that it could be years before she realizes what you have. I obviously can't wait around for that. I get to this point of ....well, I'm not giving up..,but facing facts that this is going to take many many months or years... then something will happen to get my hopes up again, like finding this "Divorce Remedy" book. I may just be completely honest with her the next time she asks if I have a girlfriend and tell her that I've realized that it'll probably be years before she finds happiness in herself instead of in men... that I have to move on and hope that she finds herself.

I really do need to just move on. If she realizes and learns what you've learned in a year or two years or five years, so be it. Who knows if I'll be single then. She may go through her whole life and never realize it. She always has been very very clingy. I'm not disrespecting her, its just the truth.. and I know that this will drive away most guys. I just loved her so much plus I had my own insecurities that her clingyness made me feel wanted, so I tolerated the clingyness. It would be the hardest thing I've ever done to pass up the opportunity if she came to me wanting to go out sometime, knowing that she needs to find happiness within herself first... knowing that she may never find that.

The bottom line here is that its completely out of my control and I can't waste my youth away waiting for her knowing that she may never find happiness in herself. I wish I could give you her phone number and have you tell her what you've learned. Hah. I know that wouldn't do any good though... just a pipe dream.

Thank you very very much for sharing what you've been through. Its helping me accept the situation for what it is and be able to walk away with hope that someday she and I could be together again. I'm not closing the door, I'm not giving up, I'm just leaving it open and walking away from it to see what other doors are out there.

Thanks again.

it is so very very sad that the same thing seems to be happening again and again, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Everyone has to walk that road for themselves, that is the sad part, they dont learn from others mistakes, and maybe this is for the better, because only that way do we all learn. Guess it is part of our road in life, that we get to a point where we have to "grow up" and find what is really important in life, some never find it and go through life wondering what is missing. And some wake up and learn and become who they always wanted to be. I feel sorry for the wandering souls that never find out what it is that they are missing... themselves..

Well, the past two weeks i havent been crying or clingy... i havent been calling him or texting him. Before the reason for his not coming by was that i was "bashing" him, which in a way i was, i was wanting my husband back and totally ingulfed in my own pain. Of course he felt like i was bashing him, because it made him feel bad when i talked about it. I was disrespectful because i wasnt respecting his feelings during time. But truth is, i was not the reason for him not coming by more often, as this would have changed by now, now he has no more reason not to come by, especially since he told the kids he would show up every second day or so to see them, he let them down again. He is not sick anymore, i am not a "pain in the butt" anymore. He has no more reasons not to come by, yet he doesnt. The reason? Very simple, everytime he is here, she assumes stuff, that he is doing stuff with me etc. It usually ends up in arguments, in phone calls and messages on his cell when he is here. So this is the true reason that he is not coming by, i did tell him that a few weeks ago, he denied that back then and blamed my behavior. But i have a hunch that i am right.

Well this is my reality, the past two weeks, i havent said a word about my marriage to him, the usual small talk, thats it. Money is getting tighter and tighter, and even though he blames me having to be brought here that we lost everything in germany, i was not the one that stopped paying the rent in germany. The way i see it, there is no way he could have paid the rent even if i had stayed there, i would be in big trouble if i still lived over there. Yes, i own my part in the situation, but he has a part in it as well, but in his eyes it is all my doing. But i guess that is typical, after all i blamed everything on my Husband as well when things were reversed. There is nothing i can do now, but do educate myself as much as i can. And to try to protect my children and myself. I will continue in Plan A as long as i can, i know it will not bring him back. It suits him that i am "ok" with the situation and that i am hanging around. Basically he is pushing as much as he can, he sees how much it really takes to keep me around, using my past EA and my behavior from back then to make me feel guilty and staying. When i say anything bout the current situation, he tells me, you did the same. So if i jump from the bridge.. its ok for him to do the same, and make me feel guilty for having jumped. Or something like this. He has to find his own way, there is nothing i can do about it. I know he will wake up one day, but i think it will still take me quite a while. He will continue to define himself through the A and the life he has here, he knows it aint what he truly wants for the rest of his life, but he refuses to see what it would take to have a fulfilling happy life, i cant force him to be happy with himself. It is his choice.

Well.. most days i am doing pretty well, i am detaching pretty good from the whole situation and its doing me a whole lotta good. Over more than a week i havent initiated any contact to him, and he has kept in contact to me every day, except for one day, usually by phone. He came by today, unannounced (he usually calls first or sends a text message) and the door was locked and the key was in the door, so he had to ring the doorbell, my son went and opened the door and my Husband asked why the key was stuck in it. I forgot to take it out after i had come back from shopping (have to lock the door otherwise everyone can come in). He brought food from his apartment, since he is out of money, so we have something to eat. He only took one piece of chicken breast back to his place (after i seperated the frozen pieces). Made me kinda wonder why only one, thought they were living together, but maybe they share.. who knows. Before he came by i got a text message, it showed up as being from my husbands phone, so i opened it, and at first i thought it was a message from him... but as i read further, i realized it wasnt... here is the text:

"Hi how are you? Just wanna know is bill there? He forget his phone here at home, he has missed call from the office, pls inform him. Thx"

I didnt reply, i have no business with her, if she is missing her "boyfriend" thats none of my business. She is nothing to me. When he did stop by later on that day, i didnt tell him about the message either, i am not anyones secretary between a lovey-dovey couple. Sorry, but i have clinked out of this one. I am not a part of this anymore. If she dont know where her "endless lover" is, that is her problem. I just told the kids when i went to the store, and my phone rings and it shows that its their dad, not to pick up while i am gone, as i dont want them subject to her problems.

WH said that he was off today, cause he took the day off, cause he pulled a nerv or a disc in his back because of WHERE he slept. I didnt ask.. and i dont think i wanted to know. I cant believe he still has his job... it seems like he is off more days than on the job. He seemed tired, worn out and said he needs to go and rest (his excuse every single day) But then maybe this whole situation he got himself in is wearing him really down mentally.. i dont know. He has been trying really hard to get the money to us, or food, even though he doesnt have any, and i am glad that this part of my husband is still there.

He tried pulling 30$ out of the account and again the money wouldnt come out, so now he is really agitated at the bank and has contacted them again and told them: "I have a wife and two kids to feed, straighten this out".

Well, i do love my Husband, the one i was married to for many years, but i dont love her boyfriend. He is a nice guy that takes care of us and i am grateful for that. Other than that, not sure what i have left. It is starting to seem fake when i hug him or give him a kiss, this is kind of scary... honestly i have no idea what i would do if he would walk through this door right now and wanted back. He would have to be 1000% serious about it, with proof that she is gone, otherwise i would not spend any energy into this again, i will not get hurt again, and i will not be without any strength again, i fought hard to get where i am at, and i am not giving this space up anymore, unless there is a complete turnaround.

Well... that was just an update.

Yesterday i had a conversation with my children, it is not easy having finally a clear mind and facing my reality, that i have been hiding for such a long time. My children talk to me quite often in the past 3 weeks about how they feel and felt. My daughter is angry and sad when we talk about my failure at a mother during all this time, she is very disappointed in me and so is my son. I am facing all of this and i am listening to them, and i am trying to be a mother again, but even this is difficult as the kids basically have been on their own for the past two years (husband provided money and i cooked etc, but there was no MOTHER or FATHER present during that time). The kids feel like "whoa... you leave us basically to our selves for all this time, and now you wanna play mommy again?" I understand how they feel, and it is very painful to see and hear these things, but i know i screwed up big time and i am facing them... finally. It will take a long long time before they respect or trust me again, and if they ever forgive me that is a complete other question. I will do my best and will not give up, no matter what.

Yesterday after one of those discussions my son sent WH a message to his cell in which he complained about the whole situation here. WH then called my son and they talked for a pretty long time (i had gone shopping with my daughter during that time and when we came back he was still on the phone with him) I did hear my son telling WH that i was talking about doing things that i wanted to do (as in going where i pleased) i wasnt too happy bout my son telling WH this, as last time when i just wanted to go somewhere i was in an overemotional state just trying to get away from it all, and i was thinking "great, now WH thinks i am back to my emotional wreck days again".



But today, this conversation on the phone was actually a good thing. WH has been home again, this time its his back... and he called a little while ago saying he just gotten a shot in his back and he will be stopping by to drop off some money, and he wanted me to come downstairs to get the money from him (so he doesnt have to stay long and OW wont bug him with.. you did something with your wife!!! *rolls eyes*)

I went downstairs, he pulled up and hands me the money, i thank him for it, not asking him anything.. not offering a hug or kiss through the car window how i have been doing in the past. After this... awkward silence, i expect him to drive off, he doesnt... (guess he was trying to find something to talk about, since i didnt start a conversation) then he asks me..."what was all that about when Ben called me" I told him, it was no arguement or anything, the kids and me talk quite a bit in the past 3 weeks, they tell me how they felt for the past 2 years, and i know i have not been a mother to them. And that they tell me that i wasnt a mother, and now all of a sudden i am trying to "raise" them again. And that i am facing what i have done to them. WH then said, you were there for them. And i told him, no i wasnt and i know it, the kids havent had any parents in the past 2 years, i was there in person, but i was not a mother (WH doesnt say anything, has a depressed look on his face) Then i go on that i am glad i came out of this crap that i was in, and that even though its hard i am so very glad i did and have the chance to make things right with my children. I tell him maybe through time and by the grace of god my children will one day forgive me. He says, you know they will, and i told him, i dont expect them to, i put them through ******, but that wont chance me in trying to be the best mother i can be and to make it up to them till the day i die. He took my hand during that conversation, and at one point started kissing my hand. He told me to call him if i need someone to talk to, and i said, thats ok... i dont need that, i am finally strong again, stronger then i have ever been, i know what i have to do, and i know i can do it. Then he gives me a smile, tells me i am starting to get some color to me (yes the kuwaiti sun is doing its job, all i have to do is go to the store..lol) and carressed my arm. I wasnt going to wait for him to say he was leaving, after i was done saying what i felt, i told him, well ok then... have a nice day and started to walk away from the car. I heard him say something to i turned around and asked him what he said and he said.. I said "see you later" i said ok.. see you later.. bye and walked towards the house without looking back. Usually i would wait till he drove off waving.. I feel pretty good about myself, i do feel so much stronger than ever before, and i will do anything i can to make the life for the kids and me better for good, might take me some time, but i know i owe it to them and myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maybe ... just maybe... he might actually think about his own behavior towards his children now... but i doubt it... i know its an LB to even think that... but the fog is very thick... and we all know what that means... unfortunately...

My daughter had a horrible nightmare yesterday, and it was haunting her all day afterwards. It was about her father...

It just tears me apart to see her to hurt and unable to cope with everything. I am trying really really hard to be there for her, and to minimize the pain, but i do believe she would really need counseling. She feels abandoned, rejected and neglected by her father and at this point doesnt even want a father. I tried for the past months to explain to my children what is going on, and i have defended him, but his actions towards them have been constant, they just dont believe they have a father anymore. I dont know what to tell em anymore. How can i keep defending him, when they are only in pain.

I just need to find a way to get on with my life and make it better for them. I do not want to get him into any trouble, so i would like to keep any authorities out of it. This is not revenge or anything, i just need to get on. I cannot change his mind, and i dont want him to feel like i am punishing him for falling in love with someone else. Things just happen, and it happens to the best of us. I just really wish he would have at least tried to be there more for his children, in my MLC i didnt pay much attention to them either, but i never left home. Not an excuse, but i was never so ready to just give the whole family up as he is. And this is what saddens me so much... because of my children. I for myself have come to the conclusion he has made up his mind regarding the marriage, i just hate that he hasnt once taken the kids for even one day since we gotten here. I tried... i really did... i cant say i didnt try. He tells em he is sorry, he loves them, then doesnt show up again for days, and when he comes its for an hour, where he sits on this laptop and tries to fixes things that are wrong with it.

I never thought that it would come to this... especially not since when him and me were just going out, and my little sister was 5 years old, we did so much with my little sister, he was her best friend, she loved him so much, and i thought... this is the father i want my children to have. I wish i could have spared them all of this...

Do you have a way to get out and go home? If you go home, will the police be waiting for you? It may take a long time to build that relationship with your children. If they hold you responsible for keeping them in a situation they are not happy with - especially since they have issues with you to begin with - it will not make things any easier.

I can't imagine a summer in Kuwait without air-conditioned transportation. It is only the first of May and we are over 40C here. It is only 102F right now. Must be a cool front moving through.

Guess i did it again

Husband came by, and my son "barrelled" right down on him, about how he ruined his life, etc. Husband got very angry, then my daughter got upset and started crying and they both went into him telling him that they didnt have a father the past 2 years, that he left them alone. He got angry and said he was always their father, and that without him they wouldnt have had food on the table and a roof over their heads.

I also told him, i am leaving and he said, great that i get to know about it too. He also said that in a month i will be out of here. He was angry, he said he just wanted to come over spend about 3-4 hours with his kids and then he comes to something like this. He hasnt been here in over a week, and the kids have told him so many times that they want a father... a father that is here. But to him its all about the money.

My daughter is very angry with me, she says.." mom, now we are back to the same thing again, he tells you you will be gone in a month, you have to find another way if you want to make things right" I dont know what else to do.. i dont have any way to get any money. I HAVE to depend on him... he says he owes so many people so much money on this paycheck, that he cant do it this paycheck. Why are other people more important than letting me leave, ****** then he can finally live his life without having to pay rent for two different places, without having to make the "mandatory" 1 hour stop-over a week. I know.. i do sound bitter, i just feel like its all over.. he says he has forgiven me for what i have done, but how can he? Because he dont care... otherwise how can you forgive someone without talking about it. My husband is completely gone... forever... i changed him into a man i dont know anymore. There is nothing left of the past 19 years, not a shred.

I was so hoping... i was praying... that god will give us another chance... but "she" made sure that it will never happen. I might as well file for divorce.. he is so into her... and against me... its unreal. He seems nice and understanding... yet he doesnt even look me in the eyes. He changes the subject when i talk about serious things, he dont want to hear anything about it.

He asked my daughter today... what do you want me to do? She said, there is nothing she wants him to do anymore. She pushed him away when he tried holding on to her hugging her. He then called her over and asked for her hand. She reluctantly gave it to him, and he held her hand and was very sad, this just breaks my heart into a million pieces. Why werent him and me strong enough to pull through this? Why wasnt our love and marriage strong enough? Why did we let this happen to our children.

He asked me today what i have done with all the money he sent to germany, and i couldnt believe he said that. I have NEVER in my whole friggin life taken any of his money... i have lied to for him to lawyers and courts when our debt was really big, so i could pay them off in his name. I have done everything to keep him out of money.. then he said... "you told me you drank every day, how much alcohol did you buy" i couldnt believe it.. yes i drank, but it didnt take much to get me to a feel good state to cover up my feelings, i cant believe he acted like i was some alcoholic that squandered his money. This hurst badly.. and yes i started crying... and once i started there was no stopping. Yes, i did many things wrong in my marriage and i betrayed him, but that on top of that he feels like he has to come up with this money-issue... how can he think that? He KNOWS how i have been all my life with him, i ALWAYS acted as if the money he made was his own.

There is so much that is broken... it will never be fixed... why does it hurt again so much today??? Why do i feel like i am at point 0 again. Why cant he just see the person that i actually am, i am not an evil monster. I have hurt him very much... but i am not a monster. I apologized agian for all the things i did wrong, he just said that he has forgiven me. Guess thats the end of the story. Oh god how i wish all of this had never happened. I wish i had never hurt him and the kids, and i wish he had never hurt the kids or me. Why are we the cruelest with the people we love the most?

I just keep letting everyone down... no matter how hard i try. I dont think i make anything right at this point..

yes, i know.. i shouldnt let it get to me... my children hate me... my husband just doesnt feel anything for me, not even hate. What do i have left? How can i like myself when so many people dont?

This will never end, well it will... but this whole family will be torn apart... Husband somewhere... son somewhere ... daughter somewhere... and me...alone somewhere as well... I dont know how much more i can take... i thought i had it all together again.

I just want to be a mom to my kids and a wife to my husband... i just want my family back... what have i done that is so horrible that i cant be allowed the chance to make things right...

he said he would get me out of here within a month.. i have no clue what awaits me in germany... i am at a point where i dont really care anymore either.. whatever happens will happen... there is nothing i can do... i tried all i can try, i am tired..so very tired, itdont matter what happens to me... i havent been working in 20 years... i dont even know what job i could get... i worked a whole 3 months in my entire life.

I dont know ...

OMG!!! its getting worse, just when i think it cant get worse... the repo guy just showed up at my sisters (she is receiving our mail in our absence) and they say that i am registered at her house, and that that gives them the right to hold her responsible and take stuff from her home!!!!!

I just wanted a german address to which we can forward our mail to... we were going to put money into a seperate account so she could pay our bills in our name for us, as its kinda difficult for us from here, and she said she would gladly help us. I never meant for her to be responsible for it!!!! I also thought the bills would get paid..

I messaged WH and he told me to tell my sister that she should give the repo guy his address here in Kuwait... our bills are in the thousands over there... what will happen if they all find out that we are here in kuwait??? Will they take his paycheck??? will they deport him and throw him in jail in germany??? Help??? does anyone know???

The hole just keeps gettin deeper...AARRRGGHHH!!!

Being an American working for an American company, I doubt there is any practical way for a German company to garnish his wages. They are also not interested in look you up in Kuwait. The only real practical problem your H has is that he might face arrest if he ever travels back to Germany (or maybe even any part of the EU since you are all one happy family now). I am betting he is not planning to go back so doesn't really care.

I think your husband is quite "safe" in Kuwait. If your bills are in the thousands, the legal recourse to rectify that would likely cost the company trying to collect tens or hundreds of thousands. Businesses generally prefer to write off the debt - just good business.

If your husband has committed any crimes in Germany (drugs, etc.), then he might be at more risk.

well... errhm... i am going back... i have no income (yet). We are married and he is and has been the one making the money in this family. He said he would write me a notary statement that he is responsible for the debt in germany (since i have to start from scratch anyways) They wont give a rats a** bout that statement though, will they? They will go after me, since i will be available, correct? So i am going to jail for his money spending on drugs and that b***h and cant pay the stuff, because i cant pay for it either!!!!?????? This cant be friggin it?!?!?!?!?

whom am i kidding? only myself...

I've been telling myself that my Husband has his own MLC, i guess to make myself believe that he will come out of it, just like i have. But that wont be the case, and its time i get this into my head and accept it.

He is very nice to me, yesterday he took us all to the store, he has no guilt for what he is doing. He buys stuff for himself and her, and i buy the things the kids and me need. Its all in one cart. He is doing the "right" thing, because thats the kind of person he is and always has been. He is nice and wants to help, because thats the person he is. It hurts him to see me hurt, because i was his wife for so long, and he wanted to help, he has never said sorry about anything except to tell me that he is sorry that he doesnt love me anymore (he was sobbing as he said this... that was back in january)

He just lost his love for me, due to me having had my stupid stupid EA. That is all that is to it. What right do i have to wish that his relationship breaks up. Yes, i have hoped that i was the better choice for him, that what we had for all those years is still somewhere inside of him. But he could never be with me again, he never thought in all the world that i could something like this to him, and the picture he had of me, was completely destroyed, he saw me as this really really good person that would never hurt him. He is so much a better person than i am, he tried to spare me the pain that i put him through, because he knows how it feels like, but he cannot ever come back. I guess he was waiting for my pain to go away, so he would know that i am ok.

Yesterday we went to a store and they had reduced parfumes to offer and he let my daughter and me pick each one that we liked. He then picked one for himself and her, we all smelled all of them, and the one that he ended up picking for her, he liked and i didnt like, and he said, dont worry, this is not for you. He still calls me sweety and babe, because that is what he always called me, even when i was in my EA. This is the kind of guy he is, he stayed friends with me during my whole EA, because he does care for me, and probably always will, we just have been together to long to not care about each other. But this is just what it is. He has lived with her for about 2 years, nothing will change there. Its like we are friends that go shopping together, he gets his things for his apartment, i get my things. In a way i wish he would be angry with me, angry at me for having had this EA, for treating him the way i did. When i have talked with him about my EA, how sorry i am, and how horribly i treated him back then, he just answers very calmly, that i dont have to worry about it and beat myself up over it. He has forgiven me, and it doesnt phase him anymore.

I believe he said all of these things about OW, the things he dislikes to make me feel better, so i wouldnt be so down, so i would slowly get better. But it doesnt get better, does it ever get better? I dont think so, we make ourselves believe we get better, we put our feelings behind a wall, so they dont hurt anymore. But they will always be there, and we choose to keep them there for all times so we can go on. We will never love anyone the same way that we have loved this first longlasting love, and part of us will always have love this person, so we can never give our whole heart again.

I always felt like he would have liked himself to be able to love me again, cause he would like to have what we had back... but the innocense of it is gone, and will never be back again, and i dont think he could ever look at me the same way again. And this is why, even if he would break it off with her someday, he wouldnt come back to me. This realisation hurts like he11, but i have always felt it inside of me, this is what made me so despearate all these months.. i felt this. This is not about her... he just doesnt love me that way anymore, and he would never settle for anything less with me. It hurts him if we were to not have contact, but he would respect it...

He is so very nice to me... back when he cheated on me for 3 months (he said he had left me before getting together with her back then, so to him we were separated), his voice on the phone when we talked was completely different, it was cold and distant. It is different now, he talks just like always... there is nothing i could do to gain his trust and love back again. I havent had any contact in any flirtacious way for over a year, whether it'd be online or in the real world. I have tried to prove to him, that i am so very committed to him, and that i was going through a rough time in my life where i couldnt feel any feelings really for anyone, but that OM... not even for myself or my kids. I explained it so many times, and its not an excuse, its an explanation for my horrible actions, but noone forced me to act this way.

I have to admit it.. he is just gone, i lost the most important special person in all the world to me, due to my own stupidity. When i have said that to him in the past, he would just say "i dont know what the future brings". I believe he just wanted me to hang on, so i wouldnt do anything stupid (cause for many months i just wanted to end it all and he knew it). He wanted me to get stable enough. Because he is a nice guy.. a very nice guy... He has lived with OW so long, this is his life now, and it is very normal for him. He still cares for me, and he has told me so... but this is it. He hates it when i beat myself up over how i treated him back then when i had the EA. He doesnt want me to hurt... this is the man i married. He is very caring... always has been. We had a very strong love, and the pain i caused was very deep, had it been not as strong, i think he would have come back. I left him to deal with his pain alone, and he found someone else that loved him and that he loves, and in the first 6-9 months of their relationship he kept telling her how much he loved his wife and he would have come back to me had i woken up during that time.

He says i killed his love for me, there is nothing left. There are not made-up excuses that he left, he has valid reasons, and he himself is very sorry that it happened. Oh god how i wish i could turn back the time, how could i have been so foolish and assume that he will always love me and always wait for me as he said for pretty much the whole time i was in my EA, except for the last 2-3 months (i think thats what made me snap out of it, he told me " i dont love you anymore" and i didnt believe it when he said it) I was foolish enough to believe that his love would always be there, no matter what i did to him. He was there for me during the whole time i was in my EA, even though i kept pushing him away, he kept telling me that i had lost myself, and that i would find happiness again someday, he tried to comfort me when i was down and depressed. He was so right about what was going on inside of me, i just had no clue. I should have trusted my husband that has always been looking out for me, but i just thought my feelings were real, but they werent, they just covered up what was much deeper inside of me. And now he is there for me again, as much as he can be, except that he doesnt love me anymore. And it hurts that much more, that he is sweet and caring towards me. It would be so much easier if he could just hate me... I wish he would hate me... him caring and being nice... is killing my very core. But this is the kind of person he is and always has been, a very very caring person and this is one of the reasons why i have always loved and always will love this man. There is no anger at me for having had this EA, for having hurt him, for having treated him badly... maybe a little sadness... but thats it. There is nothing left...

Sorry... didnt mean to write so much...but the words just kept on coming...

I believe you can walk away from this knowing you have done everything you could. I think your husband has far deeper problems than your EA. Don't beat yourself up. You never know what he would have done if you hadn't had the EA.

Focus on you and your children. As far as debt and liability goes, I don't know anything about German law but typically this is where divorce might be in your best interest. I recommend you get some legal advice before making any decisions if it is your intent to return to Germany. Lufthansa flies every day so you will always have a choice of flights.

Jusr remember you cannot "fix" your husband and you aren't the one who "broke" him to begin with. He did not quit life because you had an affair. He has more serious issues. Did you get him hooked on drugs?