Confused,

Thanks for the advice, it is along the same as my IC's. At this time I can not talk to her about us or constantly be asking her how she is doing. It is hard trying to come up with small talk when the only thing on your mind is how you are feeling or how she is feeling. I think the game sugestion is great, although the mood I seen last night she wouldn't have done anything.

It is great to be able to come here and talk about things that can't be discussed at home at this time. Thank you again for your continued support.

BB,

How are you today? I don't recall if you have kids...do you?
Start thinking about the weekend. Plan some activity during the day include the kids. In depression, activity is so important, exercise is great it creates endorphines. Work on a project around the house TOGETHER ask for her input, do yard work, take a walk or a bike ride. Do something entertaining and fun, do something she enjoys, don't be afraid to get caught in the moment and do something silly, you guys need to play together, try something different... NOT R oriented.

Sat night get a sitter for the kids, go see a movie or go bowling, play pool, go out for ice cream. If you see a movie make it something light...not a who's cheating on who movie...maybe "Larry the Cable Guy" movie I don't think there is one SERIOUS thing in that movie. The object is to distract her from feeling guilty around you.

Confused,

Thanks for checking in. Not doing too bad today, every day seems a little better (at least for me).

My dad is having surgery today and W and DS 3 are with my mom. I was actually suprised she said she wanted to be there for her.

Yes, we have 3 kids... DD 11, DS 8 and DS 3. They are our life.

Planning something for this weekend is going to be difficult, but I am working on it already. W works a 24hr shift Friday and will not get home until around 9ish Saturday morning. If she had many flights during the night she will need to get some sleep during the day. The kids bowl in a league Saturday morning until around 11:30 and W has plans with a friend of hers Saturday night. She is also scheduled to work a 12hr shift Sunday which would not put her home until around 9:00pm. So, best case scenario is we have a small window of opportunity from 11:30 - 5:30 (plans @ 7:00pm with friend) Saturday afternoon.

One of the LB's that she has told me about was harping on her schedule, so I have been trying to be understanding with her schedule and her need for outside activities (she will have worked 70hrs in a 7 day period this week). I know this is a vital time in our R, but I don't want to tell her to change her plans with her friend while she is in the state she is in.

I am going to try to do the best with what little time I am given (This is usually the case). So, it looks like another plan some activities to keep the kids busy and my mind off the R weekend.

Thanks again for checking in.

-BB

I understand about the scheduling thing. I've been a nurse for 21 yrs. (yikes!!)In this last year, I've finally been working a Mon-Fri 9-5 kind of job. When the kids were little it was great having an "off peak" job...no need for child care. We use to joke about doing tag-team parenting.

Working on some mutual down time will be essential for recovery...something to work on in the future.

Its great that she wanted to be there for your Mom. I hope all goes well with your dad today...I'll add him to the prayer list. (I work in Catholic hospital)

Do you know the friend she is going out with? Do you trust this friend?



It sounds like she has a very stressful job,time demanding, physically demanding, emotionally demanding...showing support in this area could earn you big points. Her need for outside activity should include you...recreational companionship is a big need area. Have you read His Needs/ Her needs yet?

As far as her career choice goes I am very proud of her, although I do see now that my requests for time together in the past were not presented in the right way and become LB's that she took as resentment to her job. That is definetely not the case and I am working at never coming across this way again.

She spent 10yrs in the hospital between Cardiac and ICU. Within the last year and a half she wanted to try something that she saw to be exciting while she was still young enough and mobile enough to do it. So, now she is working 3 part time jobs with no time comitments to any of them (per diem) but is able to pick up as many hours as she wants. She is still working ICU (not very much), also ambulance as a MICU nurse and a paramedic, and also is working a few shifts a month as a flight nurse/paramedic. She admits that she will not be able to do this forever, but wanted to take advantage of doing it while she could.

I have met her friend a couple of times. She is a relatively new friend to her, but is the closest female friend that she has had since college. She has needed this kind of friendship for a long time and I do not want to deny her that need. So, do I trust her, yes.

Yes, I just finished reading His Needs / Her Needs and understand completely where you are coming from. I have always felt this way and I hope that she will be willing to read the book in the near future, but I am not pushing the topic now.

Again thank you for your support, and now that I know you are a nurse I am more interested how you and your H got through the every other weekend shifts while raising kids. I know I did not handle this well in the past, but look at it as an oportunity to spend some quality time with my kids while they still want to spend time with me. The other thing was trying to spend time with W on her off weekends and still get things done that I couldn't do on weekends when I had the kids. It seemed like an endless circle, but I know I am probably preaching to the choir.

Thank you,

-BB

BB...I want to make it clear my WH and I are not in recovery we are actually headed for D. The support, opinions and suggestions are just what I've learned from MB over the last year or so.

My WH has shown little remorse or regret even though I believe A is over. He refuses MC, IC, to discuss any issues, or go out alone w/me. He says he feels nothing for me and is here for the kids. He refuses to work on marriage and refuses to leave. I did plan A , exposed and A stopped but we are stuck. He is a champion fence sitter. I never got a chance to do plan B. I still have a seed of hope but my love bank is very low.I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech June 2004. I have grown tremendoudly since then.

I am pursuing D because I have had enough....I'm tired of being married and not having a H. In my state there is no legal separation, if there is no domestic violence the only way to get spouse out of the house is to file for D. My hope is once WH leaves he will wake up and make committment to M. Regardless I will no longer put up w/ being disrespected.

The weekend scheduling... was not a problem until WH changed jobs and started working 10-12 hr days. Previously he was home by 3 PM and we spent time together every evening. Weekends he enjoyed having the kids. Family got use to my schedule and began (after many years) scheduling parties and such on my weekend off. Except for OW she scheduled her parties for the weekends I worked. He had made comments over the years about me working weekends but it kind of goes with the territory w/ most nursing jobs.

Just wanted to give you a little of my back ground so you know where I am coming from. I've learned a lot here...I wish I had the opportunity to apply it to my situation...but I am happy to pass it along in the hopes of helping somebody else.

Confused,

Thank you for the background, and I am sorry for eveything that you are going through at this time.

Your encouragement has ment a lot to me and I appreciate you passing on your learned knowledge, which I hope that I can get to a point that I will be able to pass on mine.

As far as our schedule went... About 2 years ago we had trouble with my place of employment and I was asked to try and "Save" the company. So, I would work at least 10-12hr days and not get home until around 7:30 - 8:00pm. W worked night shift, started getting ready for work around 8:30. So, sometimes we had a good 1/2 hr during the week when she was working. That is why weekends were so valuable to me. That schedule continued for about 8 months, and wore us both out (tag team parents). I realized what it was doing to my family and cut my hours back, but to her the damage was done. If I would have read his needs / her needs at this point I don't feel I would be where I am today (that book will be my wedding present to everyone I know in the future).

I would like to offer you any comfort I can give in your time of need also, although I will not give any advice since I do not feel qualified.

Thank you again for all of your support.

-BB

How is your Dad?

Making quality couple time was our biggest mistake. When the kids were little they were my focus, I neglected WH but thought he understood and agreed. As the kids got a little older and I didn't feel like I was on "Mom alert 24/7" he had found a recreational companion...it wasn't me.

I am doing well now...I know however this turns out that I will be ok...happy even. He is away in Puerto Rico on business for a week...when he first got this job and knew traveling was involved I thought I would be going with him on some of these trips to reconnect w/him. Now I am grateful for the peace while he is away.



Sounds like a great idea! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Did you read the post between Plank & KiwiJ (The Affair World)? Its good.

BB,

I hate to be pessimistic but there is no hope for your marriage if you don't spend time together. If she is taking her free time to spend with "friends" rather than with you, your marriage will NOT survive. Dr. Harley, makes it very clear that a healthy marriage requires at LEAST 15 hours together, where the spouse is the focus, not the cutting of the grass, or the doing of chores.

Your W is in a very delicate condition now, but the state of your marriage will NOT improve with her working 3 jobs, that is just looney, and it really needs to be discussed if you to really need the money that bad.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Confused,

That thread was great!

Just Learning,

Thanks for the input. W works per-diem and can basically set her schedule at any one job, it is not the need for money right now, it is the fact that she is having trouble looking me in the eyes without crying... so she scheduled herself pretty heavy for the last few weeks. I did not find out about the A officially until last Friday, so I did not know the turmoil that has been going through her head. She is beating herself up right now and I want to do anything, within boundaries, to ease her pain. I know that the A has ended, but the fog is still thick. Her schedule past next week is real light (12-24hrs) and I am doing my best to make sure it stays that way.

I am very aware of the recommended 15hrs/week and I believe (with effort and me showing her that home is a safe place) that we will be there soon. I don't want to pressure her to be with me at this point if it is not helping her recovery. I am working slowly but surely to bring her back to the point where she wants to spend time with me.

As far as the friend goes, those plans were made a long time ago, and I feel that she needs this friend now also. She has never had many close girl friends, and I believe it is helping bring her around (out of the fog).

Again, I appreciate your feedback. If you feel that I am still being too much of a "nice guy" please feel free to let me know.

-BB

How is your Dad?

BB,

Don't "do anything to ease her pain." Sounds like odd advice on an MB site doesn't it. I am not implying you should be mean, but she needs a way to "make this up to you" to relieve her guilt and remorse. So step back a bit, you are very raw from what you have found out, and while your instincts are very good, she needs to "earn" this marriage again.

Being away from you is running away from the marriage right now. It will NOT solve anything. She KNOWS she has nothing to fear in you as you have shown her compassion, what she is doing is avoiding things and the longer she does the more she will rationalize her behavior.

You can be polite, you can be nice, but you need her around you NOW. These problems will NOT solve themselves. You cannot push or bully her, but you can make your desires and your reasoning known to her. It is then in her lap to address them.

Part of plan A, is setting your boundaries and your requirements without love busting. It also includes exposure if contact is maintained. It should also be you meeting the needs she will allow you to meet. You can expect that few of your needs will be met, but you can darn well express and expect that your boundaries will be respected by her.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Confused,

Dad is doing well. A long recovery ahead, he had 3 vertebrea (sp?) fused in his back. Home from the hospital already, but will be wearing a uncomfortable looking device for about a month.

JL,

I completely understand what you are saying, and wish I would have read it shortly after you posted it, but am just reading it this morning. I am very weak now, I feel like the weakest person on the planet. I am not doing well at enforcing my boundaries. She said that she felt like she wanted to run away and sort things out in her mind, so I said "Take a few days and go". She left this morning and will be gone until Thursday. I feel awful this morning, and after reading your post, I feel like an idiot. Not only did I not tell her to stay and "face the music", but I practically packed her bags.

I think I'm going to be sick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

-BB

BB,
I think you did the right thing. She has to come to a decision herself. You cannot force her to "face" anything. If we could impose our will on WS to make them "wake" up none of us would be here.

The good thing is she is already thinking about this.She is trying to deal with her demons. This will give you a break as well to recharge your batteries. She has to want recovery...it avoids false recoveries, which are really painful.

Where did she go? Did she go alone? When is she coming back? Do you want her to come back?

You just about "packing her bag" is way better than hanging on to her ankle begging her to stay as she pulls you down the driveway.

Have you checked out the "Six stages of Midlife crisis" post started by shattered 05...there is a new poster on there Newman4060 giving LOTS of great insite....most of it is geared toward male MLC but females go through it too, although I think your wife's issues are closer to post-traumatic stress syndrome.

I'm glad your Dad is doing well.

BB, You sound a bit like me when I found out that my wayward EX wife was having an affair. I had all sorts of reasons to not follow the advice given her and by other experts.

The end results is that I am now single again.

You are right about one thing. Nice Guys do finish last. I heard an interview with a fellow who wrote a book about Nice Guys (I think it was called "No More Christian Nice Guy"). I am not an evangelical Christian, but much of his advice still hit me right between the eyes, as though he had been following me around all my life, recording my stupid mistakes and messed up feelings.

His best advice was: Better to be a Good Man, than a Nice Guy.

Be a good man and take back some control of your marriage and your life. Make plans with her NOW so she can't work that much. Do something simple together. Just do it.

Don't waiste your time, like I did, figureing out why you don't have to follow the advice of experts like the Harleys.

Confused,

Thank you for a little reassurance, even though I am still leaning on the big mistake side.

She went alone, and I am sure she is alone (at least not with OM) checked his work schedule. She went to Niagara Falls, seems like a good place to think. She will be back Thursday.

She had a tough time leaving the kids. She wanted to go into a long story to the kids sure that they would not understand... "You know how daddy has to take buisness trips, well mommy has take one and I won't see you for 3 days." To which D11 replied "Some weeks we go longer than that." I don't think W took that too well, but kids say the darndest things.

JE,

I hear you, and am trying to find a spine in here somewhere. As soon as my IC can help me find it maybe I can take your advice. I am trying, but give in way to easy. I can read her expressions so well I know what she wants me to say, and even if it is not what I want to say it just comes out. Don't give up on me yet.

BB,
I hope you have had a peaceful week and were able to recharge. Your WW is due back tomorrow right? What plans do you have? Where do you want you R to go from here?

Confused,

I have had anything but a peaceful week. DS 3 has strep throat and I have pneumonia. Today is the first day I felt like I was able to sit at a computer at all. WW was torn on whether to come home or not, but I wanted her to take this time so badly that I downplayed the health issue. It has been bad, but we made it through.

WW is due back this afternoon, and no, I don't have anything decided on where I want to go from here. I thought I knew for sure that I wanted her back, but I am begining to think I just don't want to be alone. I am not sure of much of anything at this point. My guess after talking briefly with her this morning is that she is closer to leaving than staying. At this point I think I would let her go, not sure but I am getting worn out.

After reading so many stories on here of people that have fought for years I feel like I am giving up too easy, but I just don't feel like I have much fight left.

BB - Not much new advice, but hang in there. It does get better. Don't try to decide whether you want her back or not right now. Focus on improving yourself. Get yourself a plan and execute it. Clarity will come.

I'm glad you are feeling better today and I hope DS is feeling better as well. Its tough taking care of a little one when you are sick yourself.



If she leaves it is still far from over. If she comes home and talks about separation...offer to let her go...but you stay in your home with the kids. DO NOT OFFER TO LEAVE! DO NOT OFFER TO LEAVE! This is where you need to plan. I always plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Do you have joint bank accounts...be careful she could wipe out your accounts...you need to gather information...finances, insurance, 401k, debts, tax info for the last few years. A total picture of your financial situation. It will give something to focus on temporarily. Get your ducks in a row. Protect yourself. Knowledge is power.

You don't need to make any hasty decisions regarding your M.

If she comes home and says she wants to start over doesn't mean you have to jump for joy. You have been hurt deeply, it takes time to heal.

So for now I would advise you take care of yourself physically, you need to be well for your kids. Start taking financial inventory.

We will help you come up with a plan.