I have a unique marriage situation that I can't seem to find related answers to on the internet and I'm seeking advice.

Me and my husband have been married for 9 months. A couple weeks ago, he confided in me that he is not in love with me. He loves me, but he's not 'in love' with me. He also confessed the other day he may be in love with his exgirlfriend who has passed away about 5 years ago.

We both understand the biblical grounds for divorce and we both want to honor our marriage because we are Christians. However, we are split between 'trying to work things out' and getting a divorce. He feels trapped, obligated and emotionally 'unfree'. I feel that I deserve a partner who is in love with me. I also don't want him to feel trapped. I think as time goes by he'll get more miserable being with someone he's not in love. To sum things up; I want him to be happy too.

To further complicate things, I have a daughter from a previous relationship who looks up to my husband as a Dad now.

We're both hurting deeply and we just want to move on with our lives; whatever course it takes us. Right now, he's leaving for a couple of weeks so we can clear our heads.

Is possibly being in love with someone else considered adultery and grounds for a divorce?

We have taken some first steps such as getting marriage consueling from our church's paster and wife who has been urging us to stay together and grow together in God. However, everything just seems pointless to me if he's not in love with me. I feel we (and my daughter) deserve better than this. Other than that, he's a wonderful husband and step father. He has some quirks, but we're treated very well. It's my wish to stay but not at the possible expense of his happiness.

Please advise.

Welcome, Kipper...

Unfortunately, you are not in a unique situation. You are experiencing a conflict in beliefs and that is a good thing.

You believe that what he feels matters to what you feel. Our emotions come from our beliefs...and yours that you deserve to be loved is hanging you up. Messing up reality.

"I love you but am not in love with you" is a red flag for an affair. You believe it is about his GF who passed away and that may be what he said, but it isn't. Can't be. Love is a choice, which is why we choose to do acts of love. Loving someone who has passed is loving a fantasy to meet our emotional needs (ENs) in the present. Your H most likely has used fantasy for a long time to self-comfort and soothe. It is very destructive, as you are now experiencing.

I would gamble to say the same for you. Believing you deserve love when you love well; that your emotions tell you what to do and you make your choices from them.

Read the articles here on this website...about the Love Bank, Emotional Needs and Love busters. I would urge you to read in the Infidelity forum and find out what else your H is saying that most every wayward spouse (WS) says.

Saving your marriage can be done just by you, alone...recovering it takes two. All the you can learn about yourself and relationships will stand you well for your future...learning about your power, where your control ends, and how lovable you are as a human. Most of all, learning that love is a verb...a choice we make. Not a feeling we get.

You staying is not at the expense of his happiness. He owns his happiness and you own yours. Show your daughter how to love...and that the word "deseve" kills it every time.

LA