It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.

ditto

I can testify to that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Good post starfishy

"Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere."

Wow, took the words/feelings out of my mouth!

Infidelity is just plain scary, but it is an opportunity to find your own strength and your own compass. Don't give away your power. The WS should NOT be calling the shots....it is a time where unless you are fearful....you have great power and leverage to come out with a marriage that is flawed....but stronger and less vulnerable in the future.

What an EXCELLENT post and reminder. Thank you!!! It's already printed and I will reread a few times to make it sink in.

Sta*rfish, thank you for this excellent poost. I am sooooo
grateful for this site that helps BS's understand the fear and everything that is going on. I am grateful for LovingAnyway who even helped to point out my control issues.
The great need for me to control was because I feared so many things.

It feels good to not feel that I don't have to live my life in fear. To feel that I don't have to just accept what WS was dishing out but that I could do soemthing about it. Something constructive with myself and hopefully with my M.

Chaka, LLG....be strong and know that you can find strength and support here. This place reinforced my courage and helped me recover my marriage many years ago.

Yes LLG....LA is a peach....and she's right that "control" is based in fear. Allow yourself to let go of the outcome and be who YOU are.

This is where you recharge your batteries and fight fear...ZZZZZZZZZZZTTT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Angelfish...I mean Starfish...

I last posted to you in November...I got sacked that day and never got to "talk" to you. Want to let you know I am SOOOOO OKAY now. Everything is wondermous.

Thank you for being there...

Kimmy

You're so wise, starfish. Excellent post!

Could your post be left at the top of this board? I think so many die a million times and think that their M will too before the battle even begins. I think this post would help encourage, motivate, stir up BSs not to give up.

Also St*rfish, you can't see the word "crippling' in your post once you sign in. And thanks for the encouragement in your post to me above. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Dealan!! Oh chere....so glad to hear you're okay!
LLG....there are just too many good posts to keep them all at the top....but most of the time....stuff gets bumped when folks need it. I'll edit the "crippling"....the color seems to be causing problems.

Starfish,

Thanks for this post. I really needed to get this message and have printed it out to keep close to me. Fear of Loss has been forefront in my mind for a while. Fear of change, the unknown, being alone and everything else that you have mentioned above...

Thanks for giving me the courage to stand up for MYSELF!

great info!!...i am a affair/divorce survivor....i had to learn to overcome the fear of being alone after a 15+ yr marriage...

i like to say that just because "we" are victimized...there comes a point when we have to stop being the VICTIM!!!

fear and courage are very similiar emotions...but with courage you can "act" under fear! (sombody famous said that..i just dont know who!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Star,

You are one in a million and I am so glad you posted. I let go just yesterday. I gave it ALL to God and let go. What an amazing feeling, the peace that comes with letting go of the fear.

another famous person (?) said that courage is not about being unafraid but doing what you must in the face of that fear. Us BSs are forced to make that choice.

God is good and share all that fear with him. He understands and He is with us always.

Loni

bumping for lost willow

just wanted to say...I like you posts Star*fish..I think they are really smart <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think all the MB principles, Plan A, Plan B, POJA, meeting ENs, are all about holding onto yourself and fostering integrity and self-esteem.

These qualities are exactly those that are the most badly needed to combat fear or anger-based thinking and actions.

Its the terrible irony that the trauma of an A can cause us to almost lose ourselves...exactly at the moment when we most need to hang onto our values and self-respect.

Great post! Others have already said this, but I think we have to have the courage to "feel the fear and do it anyway" when not being fearful is impossible.

I was crippled by my fear and it's taken years of just putting one foot in front of the other to walk through it. Now, looking back, it's hard to see why I was as afraid as I was. I guess I'm stronger now!

Thank you Star*fish

The fear post I read was about the feeling of fear, in general.

Your post I guess is even better to my situation. GREAT post.


Thanks

lost_willow