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I can walk again!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Now I do kick Ws' butts. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Starfish, this is a great post.
Luv it.
Thanks,
L.
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1
Last edited by LLG; 04/12/06 07:37 AM.
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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I have some things I need to discuss with my WS. Everytime I've tried to be O & H about this issue (is financial), he becomes upset, angry and discouraging about our being together. I feel I've been doing things in fear to keep him from being angry. I've become upset with this along with the fact that he is refusing transparenecy and I'm ready to now face him with these issues again. But it makes me a little nervous doing so. What if you fear that your S will leave? What if your fear dv?
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
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LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
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Give a little Share a litte.
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
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Joined: Jan 2006
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I have some things I need to discuss with my WS. Everytime I've tried to be O & H about this issue (is financial), he becomes upset, angry and discouraging about our being together. I feel I've been doing things in fear to keep him from being angry. I've become upset with this along with the fact that he is refusing transparenecy and I'm ready to now face him with these issues again. But it makes me a little nervous doing so. What if you fear that your S will leave? What if your fear dv?
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Posts: 10,060
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What if you fear that your S will leave? Accept that you cannot prevent him from leaving and if he chooses to do so, that's his choice. (You cannot control anyone other than yourself.) Just make it clear that's not your desired outcome. Don't be paralyzed by your fear. When you allow this, you relinguish control over your life. Life's turns will not always be to our liking. Even then, frequently short term setbacks allow longer term gains. JMHO WAT
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Excellent post -- thanks so much Starfish !!
Of course we all know that hate is not the opposite of love. Most people seem to think that indifference is the opposite. But... I have also heard that
fear is the opposite of love.
Any thoughts on this one ??
carnation
Me - BS 55
WH/FWH 50
OW 30
Much evidence says that my H was/is
deeply involved in a very long term PA
Prolly will never know much more than that
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Fear blocks love...fear is closed and love is open. Fear seeks to live carefully, perfectly...love lives to live.
I believe fear is not the opposite of love...I believe true love is feeling fear and loving anyway.
And many believe anger is the opposite of love, and it is important to know that most people are still people...believig what they are believing...
Bumping because it is vital to Plan A.
LA
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back up for the wife married to the alcoholic
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Dear star*fish
I loved this.
I have felt fear of all the things you mentioned, but I've been fighting it. It is really fantastic to read, and put so well by you, so that the fears are clear and logical. Not scary and hiding in the shadows.
There is one fear I can't overcome though.
The fear that I will never be able to love my WS again.
I feel so empty and dead. My reactions and emotions are all used up. The only thing that stimulates me is s*x. (Sorry if this is too graphic.) But I think that is all about reassuarance issues for me.
I'm trying to be loving anyway (not trying to steal anyone's moniker) will the feelings ever come back?
Does/did snyone else feel these things?
kate xxx (from sunny London - today)
Is it because I'm in limbo wiating for OW to leave?
Me - BS 35
Him - WS 31
H started EA/PA with work colleague in Jan 05
D day April 05
A ended April 05
WH still works with OW
WH re-established (letter) contact with OW April 06
I have 2 kids (DS 7 and 2), 2 dogs, a full time job (primary school teacher) and am crushed-but loving this site.
_________________________________________
O.K so it wasn't "real life" but I miss the innocence.
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Star*Fish,
Thank you for this inspirational post! It's amazing when you think you are alone and need a lift, that the right person, the right sign or in this case the right message finds you and hits home. Tonight you will give me a peaceful nights rest and hope for tomorrow!
God Bless,
Qbert
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Star*fish,
I was blown away by your insight. Thank you for your wonderful post. I even forwarded it to a fellow MBer to read in hopes that it will bring him some insight as well.
SO TRUE..............
"I hurt myself today, to see If I still feel...I focus on the pain, the thing only thing that's real"... Johnny Cash.."Hurt"
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bay_window I remember that fear....the one where I could never love my WS again. I will say this...perhaps it is different for others, but what was true for me was that I did not love him the same way and probably never will. But you know what? I'm happy about that. I didn't love him in a healthy way I think. My life revolved around him and I needed him as much as I wanted him. Affairs change marriages....some of the changes are terrible....but if you remain true to yourself....the changes can be very positive too. It is not anything I would wish on anyone as far as a learning tool....however, as a result....my marriage is more open and honest. There is a mutuality and respect that was not there before. It reminds me of moving through adolescence to adulthood. You lose your innocence....but if you survive....you gain wisdom and maturity....and even power. I am more powerful now than I have ever been. Don't give up on love yet....you may be surprised when it returns. One day, I simply woke up and realized....wow, I'm happy again....and that was a really good day.
Qbert You are welcome....and definitely not alone. hugs...sleep well.
beauty hugs!
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Fabulous post, thank you star. I am psyching myself up to walk through the fire.
Bay, iiyii, this sounds familiar, without the SF part-I still haven't cleared that hurdle. I found that by just allowing him to be around me and the kids with his newfound attitude and enlightenment(which he so keenly displayed through increased interaction with the kids and help with the housework) was enough for me to begin to see a new side of him.
I can't say I'm in love with him, but I'm not spitting in his face either. Hey don't laugh, this is a definite improvement! A few months ago I would have rather spent the afternoon getting a root canal, without the drugs, than having lunch with him.
So, yes feelings do change. Can we bring love back into the relationship again? I don't know, but I know I won't be ever be content again if I don't at least try.
I wish you luck and courage.
apl
BS-42
FWH-42
M-14yrs
3kids-S12,S9,D6
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I think AmI's working on her Pro card too!
great bump! Thanks, I enjoyed that one!
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Awesome Post Starfish, I really needed to read that. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!! I think you just made me realize I am fearful of everything... Need to let go of that.
Thank YOU!!!
Me: 32 (BS)
H: 33 WH
DD: 21 months
Bomb: September 2005 - Company trip to Mexico - saw H and OW and got major gut instincts...
Separated: December 2005 - but have seen eachother every day.
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bump for the current crop of hurting betrayed spouses
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