Any advice anyone?

Jlost,

What do you think you should rely on: your past experiences or your lying cheating WW? As you said yourself, in the past when your WW says she wants space it usually means that she want more time with OM. When a WS says they want to move out, it always mean they want more time to go screw the OP. Please do not fall for this.

You cannot prevent your WW from doing what she wants to do, but you should not enable her in her destructive actions either. Tell WW that you would prefer that she stays, as it is almost impossible to work on a M while separated. Dating while separated rarely works. It is a ruse to pursue the A unimpeded.

So after you tell WW that you prefer that she stays, if she insists on separating, be sure that she is the one to leave. You stay in the house…WITH THE CHILDREN. If you leave, I assure you WW and OM will carry on the A in your own home in your own bed soon thereafter. We see this, unfortunately, all the time here. Moreover, if you leave the home, there would all kinds of negative legal consequences for you as a result. Unless you don’t care about your well being and that of your children, you should not move out under any circumstances. So if you WW wants to leave, she leaves ALONE.

God Bless

Someone please talk me out of doing something stupid. I want to start asking W if she has been talking to OM, and I know that is a LB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I really don't have any proof at this time that she is not talking to OM, but I am taking her word.

As far as separating, I agree with you completely. I am definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place though. If I talk her into staying, and I don't leave myself, she will look at it as a form of control, which is a LB. If I ask her to leave, she will think I am being mean, and trying to make things hard for her. If I leave myself, I look weak, and nothing really changes for her. She stays in the nice big house, and can have OM come down for the weekend anytime she wants (ugh, the thought of this makes me sick).

I am just getting weak, and tired of dealing with this. It's been 2.5 months, and I've worked hard up to this point. W is coming around, and seems to want to work it out, but is not 100% commited. I feel if I go to plan B, it will be too soon, but I'm drained of plan A. Thinking about the details I know of them sickens me, and it pains me to look at her while I'm thinking of them together. It's like, how could this women do this?

I'm actually starting to have thoughts of cutting my losses, while I'm still kinda young (31). When do you know it's time to quit? Would you all look down on me if I gave up before plan B started? Or do you think I should at least try plan B? Ugh, it all makes my head spin. One minute I'm fine, thinking I love this women so much, I will do anything for her, and the A doesn't bother me, and the next min, I feel anger, resentment, and whatever else you can feel that sucks.

The hardest part, is that we've been really getting along, and I don't want to blow it. But I wonder if this is all just a ruse, while W is still talking to OM, and keeping me there just in case it doesn't work out. I know, it's bad to think like this, but I'm so jaded considering past events.

For example, I'm washing my W's hair, and she says to me "do you think this is weird?", and I said "what?". Then she says "washing my hair while we have problems". To me, this is her feeling guilty that she is still talking to OM, while I'm washing her hair. If we were really woth commited to working on the M, why would she even say that? Ugh, wish I could just stop thinking.

Oh, I must mention one other thing. Which I think is good, but heck, I dunno. When I found out W was talking to OM, during that time, she would get extremely angry when she thought I was on the computer she used. She was constantly asking me if I'd put a keylogger on her machine, and threatened to leave if she caught me searching her machine behind her back.

Well, since she has said she is not talking to OM, she doesn't care if I'm on her computer. She even says it's ok to put a logger on there, because I won't find anything. I know, it's probably bad to keep thinking about these details, but it's so hard not to. I just want to hear the truth from her.

Jlost,

Welcome to the roller coaster. It is ok to feel this way.

While I abhor when a BS grovels to a WS, you should not give up before giving your M a full chance to make it. Plan B is part of giving yourself that chance. If not for yourself, do it for your DDs. You are the only adult in your sitch and as such the only one who can really fight for your M.

I rarely see a WS comes out of the fog because of Plan A. Plan is for you and just a set up, in my opinion, for Plan B. I have always thought that it is too premature and optimitis when a BS expects Plan A to bring his or her WS back. Plan B is usually what does the trick.

So yes, be sure to Plan B before throwing in the towel. You want to be able to look at yourself five years from now and say that you gave your DDs the best chance of having an intact family that they so richly deserve. The emotions that you are feeling right now will come and go. Regrets that you did not do all you could for your DDs, on the other hand, will last a lifetime.

Maybe WW has new means to contact OM. The fact that she wants to separate suggests to me that she is still a WW and that contact may be ongoing.

UVA, thanks for the response, and for your advice. I agree about regretting not putting my all into saving the M later on.

Well, I'm going to bite my tongue, and just have a good weekend. We have some things planned, like going to the zoo to take pictures, and some others things, so I should have fun with W and family. Things are looking up from 1 month ago, but the thought of what could actually be going on right now that I don't know about is eating at me. I just need to assume things are going ok, so I can plan A, which I feel has been going very good for 1 month now. W is actually affectionate towards me, and we laugh more than ever now when we hang out.

Btw, I think I will express to W my desire to work on M under the same roof. The strange thing, is that she understand that if we do separate, it won't be until months from now... So if she is planning something with OM, it's not anytime soon...