Her anger?

I'd guess a few more days. Who knows, when you stir the pot you often end up with a major breakthrough. Pain often equals change. Be ready for it. The all night conversation may ensue. Just guessing though. Some wives will "punish" you for weeks.

I think you should stick to the "I had a moral and ethical obligation to tell OM's Wife about her life, you were more than "just friends", you know it, I know it and she has the right to make that determination for herself as well".

Your wife would have done the same to you only she would have done it IMMEDIATELY. Us guys tend to wait, process the decision, protect our wives, maintain our privacy, etc. Woman usually expose instinctively...trust me, you would have been outed quite awhile ago if the situations were reversed.

W

Whatever you do, don't allow her to bait you into a fight over this and DON'T LOVEBUST her. Go read about lovebusters so you are certain to understand what they mean. It doesn't mean appeasement at all costs. She will try to bait you into a fight to divert her from her guilt and discomfort by making you the bad guy.

So, just be sweet and tell her you are sure sorry she is so upset.

If she suggests a seperation [and this is a pretty common suggestion from counselors who know nothing about infidelity] just tell her you don't want to seperate, but cannot stop her if she wants to leave. Be sure and let her know that she can't take the kids and can't take your family money to do so. She would have to get a job. Don't fight, just let her know - without lovebusters - that she is free to go but you won't help her destroy your family and will protect your finances and your children.

If her IC tells her that exposing to the OMW was wrong, then that removes all doubt, in my mind, that this C is useless and inexperienced.

ML and Mr. - Just talked to her again and she is really pissed. She actually hung up on me. Said what I was saying "is no apology" and hung up.

I had just read ML's post above, so I told her I was sorry she was so upset. She said I didn't think about the consequences to the kids and the moms at school of my telling OMW. My obvious reply was "you are the one who wasn't thinking about the consequences when you did what you did ...." I probably shouldn't have said it, should I? I couldn't resist. What a *&^%$ - what a stupid thing to say.

For some reason she thinks OMW will tell every mom at the kids school. That is what she is hung up on now - not the fact that she has lied to me repeatedly for the past 2 mos.

I tried to call her back and she wouldn't answer. Left her a long voice mail telling her I am sorry she is upset, sorry she thinks I did it for spite and reiterated the real reasons I did it - (a) to end the EA so we can work on our M and (b) OMW deserved to know. I sort of hope she will play the voice mail to the IC

I then said I was not sorry I did it - I probably shouldn't have said that either, should I?

It will be interesting to see what her IC does tell her.

So, I guess I did let her bait me into a fight, didn't I? Probably LB'd a little too, didn't I?

19, since your wife is stuck on this idea she and the OM were only friends, perhaps you should invest in a book entitled Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. It would give you a lot of information about how adultery develops from inappropriate friendships. I doubt she would read it right now, but you might leave it sitting around and, perhaps in time, she might just open it and begin to understand.

Also, while you need to avoid LB's, Plan A is not a plan for you to become a doormat. It is, among other things, a time where you establish boundaries for behavior. Here's a thread that discusses that:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=&PHPSESSID

In the "Most Popular Links" table on the upper right side of this page, there is a link to "Love Busters." It's good reading and will help you to learn what one is and how to prevent them from cropping up in your interaction with your wife. Hang in there, 19. The road is going to get bumpy.

Longhorn - Thanks. I have heard of that book - I think I will get it. W won't acknowledge they were more than friends, so maybe that would be helpful.

Thanks.

So W went to see IC today. Hasn't suggested separation yet.

Of course, this morning, W is royally pissed at me for telling OMW.

IC tells W that I did it to take control - that it was not about her or our M, but about me. That I felt powerless and I needed to take control. I have told W that is not it at all - I did it to end this EA for good so our M will have a chance.

W says it didn't work and wouldn't work. Says she decided on her own not to call OM 5 days before I told OMW (of course, I have heard that before). Said she would only stop when she decided to stop. They were just talking on the phone - not having sex ....

W says I "won the battle, but lost the war" - I said "Well, if I had lost this battle I would have lost the war too....."

Any thoughts on all that -

Excellent!! It's working!


YES!!! Double EXCELLENT!!

She's so fogged up she won't remember ANY of this later!!


And how do you know that?

Because your wife said so????

>snort<

WAT

I hope you are right - I am not as convinced as you are. Why is it good that she is now mad?

I hope there is fog (so there is something for her to come out of) - but I am not so sure about that either - I think it may just be her. How can you tell if there is fog?

I don't think W would lie about what IC said - only because before she went to IC she was saying that I told OMW out of spite for W - I sort of think that is worse than trying to get control, so not sure why she would want to change unless IC really said it. Also, it sounds like something IC would say.

Not looking forward to going home tonight. I have a feeling it is going to be a looooong night and I am going to have to struggle not to LB - because I really want to.

Well, the IC is not a psychic and does not know why you told the OMW. Your reasons are very sound and you don't have to justify yourself. Nor is she CARNAC the magician who can read minds. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your W is angry because you have interfered with her affair and brought the consequences to her door. That is GOOD.

Just calm down, 19, and remember what I told you about not letting her bait you into a fight. You should also not allow her to make you the bad guy here. It is not a lovebuster to refuse to take responsibility for her mistakes. All of her discomfort stems from HER AFFAIR and nothing else.

SMILE and be calm. It will blow over.

p.s. if the IC had a shred of decency herself, she would have advised your W - or YOU - to confess the affair to the OMW. The OMW has a RIGHT to know that your W is a dangerous person who is not to be trusted.

Why was she not concerned with getting this news to the OMW? How did she suggest that the OMW find out?

ML - Thanks. So when she starts spouting this crap again tonight, should I just stick to what I have been saying? (i.e. did it to end A, and be sure it's ended, so we can work on M?).

Do you think it is a LB for me to say what you just said: i.e. all of her discomfort stems from what she did and nothing else? I have, of course, already said that several times.

Of course, I guess all should be said in a calm loving way? (that will be hard to do)

The thing that really pisses me off is that in all the conversations today, she steers clear of the fact that she has lied to me for another 2 mos. She turned a 3 week EA into a 3 month EA - at least. Can I say any of that? or should I just be quiet at this point?

I'm pretty calm - I don't really care at this point. She is so full of ****** it's coming out her ears -

19, yes, I would just keep saying what you have been saying and let her know that you are sorry she is upset about being exposed. However, her discomfort stems from her behavior and nothing else. The OMW had every right to know.

Smile and leave the room if she keeps yammering about it.

I don't know how the IC felt about OMW knowing or who should tell her - of course neither MC nor my IC really said anything either - I've only been to my IC 3 times, however (only 2 times before I told OMW).

Interestingly, W's IC actually had an A herself in the past. Ended up divorcing her H. Told W it was a bad marriage that needed to end anyway.

To give IC a little credit, she did try to convince W not to go on with EA. I don't know exactly how much, but I know she did some.

So how do I know if this is fog? or can I know?

Let me assure you, this is fog. As you can see, she is using no REASON and is infuriated that you a) caused her embarrassment and b) cut off her path to the OM. She is using CLASSIC fogbabble of a newly busted WS.

Do you realize that she is now REALLY cut off from the OM for the first time? Remember when we told you she was NOT in withdrawal? This is why. Not only do you have to deal with her anger over ruining her affair, but you can expect to see some withdrawal symptoms.

I am betting that she has TRIED to contact the OM and he has refused her contact. That may be what has brought this delayed fury on.

That is an interesting point (feel sort of stupid for not thinking of it myself). This morning is when she got pissed. I know that she was in the store where she uses phone a few hours after she first started acting mad. I bet you are right. I'll have to call OMW tomorrow ....

I don't know if she was in there yesterday. But she definitely could have been.

Of course, she may not really think she is cut off until he does refuse to talk. She told me earlier today that she would stop when she decided to (and that she actually made that decision about 2 weeks ago) and nothing else would make her stop.

You can imagine what I thought of that comment.

ok, if she is not intending on stopping contact, then make a suggestion that you call OM and OMW right now and have a meeting. She can explain all this to the OMW. You can drive her over there right now. I am serious about this, 19.

I have a feeling you are going to have to do some more exposure to stop this affair. Don't tell her you will do this, though.

ML - I think she already has stopped calling, actually. I think she stopped about 5 days before I told OMW. (am I being naive).

I also think (maybe naive again) that OM will blow her off now.

Per OMW, he was disturbed when she showed up with the cookies.... it's not like his office is right around the corner - it's a good 45 min away in a suburb town. I sort of believe that - the "OW" shows up at his office which is in a small town.... If he acted that way, she could probably tell and that's why she may have called him next day and said she wasn't calling him anymore - she says she did that - but I don't know.

Plus, since OMW knows, I can't imagine he'd risk it unless it's a bigger deal than I think - and if it is, then I don't care...

I think she says that to be defiant - to say - you didn't make me stop talking to my "friend" - I did because I wanted to...

thanks

19, I would not take seriously anything the OM told his W. He is apt to try to spin it in a way that makes himself look like the pursued. I sort of doubt that your W chased him with absolutely no encouragement. It may be true, but you can't take the OM's word for that.

I suspect that contact has ended, but I think you would still do well to call her bluff the next time she says this and tell her you can set up a meeting with the OM and the OMW to discuss her intention to continue contact. That might cool her jets a bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

"Per OMW, he was disturbed when she showed up with the cookies"

HA-HA - Of course he told his wife he was disturbed when your wife showed up with the cookies. He is trying not to get thrown out on his a**.

When caught, they all make the same claims, that they were the innocent one, pursued by the bad lady. YUCK.

Believer, he was just a poor innocent lamb who was scared of that craven VIXEN who showed up at his door! Poor fella! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />