I don't know too much about withdrawal as my H didn't show too much of that after the first couple of weeks. But he wasn't angry at me and was pretty receptive to letting me fill his EN'S and even trying to fill mine, if he had any withdrawal, he hid it from me well...which is probably just as well coz it wouldv'e probably just pissed me off...

I do know I've read that when the WS is in withdrawal, they aren't likely to allow you to fill any EN's, and your W's anger at you is probably hampering that too. I do sense that you are holding a lot of resentment for your W, (no doubt she feels that coming from you too) not only for what she's done, but for not putting more effort into 'making up' for her betrayal of you. I' know that's a normal reaction and I' have my share of resentful thoughts too. I think the key is to give it some time while still doing the best Plan A possible. It's barely been a month since real NC began, I think if she hasn't seen or talked to him since then, you should be seeing some improvement in her attitude soon. Hang in there for a while 19, and just make Plan A a way of life for a while longer. I have a feeling she'll be responding to you sooner rather than later if you can do that.

I guess that is what I will try to do - although I definitely don't really want to at times.

I hope you are right about her coming around - the last 2 weeks have actually been the worst since dday.

W will be out of town for a long weekend starting this Thursday. I think that will be good for both of us unless W spends the whole time bitching to her friends about me. She usually comes back from these trips in a much better mood - we'll see about this one -

I think she tends to downplay her EA with her friends and focus on how bad she thinks I am -

I am not so sure that she hasn't actually convinced herself that the EA was no big deal - as you can imagine and relate to, that bugs the crap out of me.

I guess she thinks I am an idiot -

So I just get back to office from taking W to doctors office for a minor procedure (she had to have someone drive). The procedure was uneventful and she's fine.

On the way home she says "I am not going to die. Sorry." I said "You really think I would want that ...." She says "Yes".

Anyone have any thoughts on what these kinds of comments mean? Withdrawal? Fog? Empty love bank? all 3?

I believe she want's you to tell her you forgive her. She want's to hear you say that you don't want her to die. She is trying to feel you out and get validation that you still love her. I think she can feel your resentment building up and she knows that you are getting to the end of your rope.

Sounds like she is having a pity party to me! Just hang tight, 19, it will blow over.

What do you mean by pity party? Just feeling sorry for herself? I guess that's not all that bad, is it?

How do I end the pity party? Should I try to give her validation and let her know more unequivocally that I still love her? or should I be aloof and let her make the first move?

I agree with the previous two posts. She wants some validation from you and she's having a pity party to boot. Of course you don't want her to die. She's probably as frustrated as you and confused on top of it.

Just for fun, think what would have happened if you had said, "Well, I should hope you're not going to die. THAT won't solve anything." Don't you dare say it though. Just get an inner chuckle. LOL

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She is feeling sorry for herself because has convinced herself she is the VICTIM in this drama. Don't feed her self pity, but don't allow her to bait you into a fight.

Give her the validation, bring her out of the fog

Maybe I am being dense here, but are these 2 statements inconsistent? or not?

ML - I understand what beauty is saying, but I don't understand what you are saying?

In the same conversation where she talked about dying, she also said "did you talk to your friend while you were waiting for me" Of course, she meant OMW - I have not talked to her in almost 2 weeks, but we have emailed and plan to talk later this week. W asks me that a lot. I just say "no" and let it go - which I guess is what I should do?

19,

It's simple, they are just two different opinions from two different people. You just take what you want from them and what ever feels right to you.

I think your W needs validation from you about your talks with OMW..She thinks your being secretive with her. I would ask her straight out what she doesn't like about you talking to OW. Maybe she will shed some light on how she is feeling and then she will stop with the little comments.

I thought they probably meant different things - but I still don't understand ML's post

THIS ONE "She is feeling sorry for herself because has convinced herself she is the VICTIM in this drama. Don't feed her self pity, but don't allow her to bait you into a fight."

ML - what do you mean?

No, they're not inconsistent. Yes, validate for her that your love is intact, but there's no need to commiserate with her that her life sucks and she might die. Come on, this is awfully similar to a child threatening to hold his/her breath until they turn blue, isn’t it?

A short “I love you and don’t want to even think about you dying,” is more than enough, IMHO. You feed into her pity party if you are overly attentive, and too sentimental when she’s in that mood.

Yeah, just answer her questions about whether you have talked to the OMW with the honest answer. There’s no need to conceal it. I wouldn’t tell her you’re getting together with OMW in advance unless it’s a direct question though. You are still gathering intelligence and OMW is a valuable source of intell right now. Don’t blow her cover. In addition, don’t feel guilty about that either. It IS an intelligence operation and it was brought on by her adultery, not by anything you wanted to do. See Pepperband’s thread on the “Carrot And Stick Of Plan A.” It can be found here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=&PHPSESSID

So, W is sitting here in front of me reading a book - I am now doing what ML suggested earlier - I am venting on this board instead of LB'ing like I want to - she's being civil etc. but I have tried to be nice - took all the kids to dinner out etc. (since W had medical procedure today).

I look up at her and I don't really want her here - of course, I will confess that I have had a couple of beers - I had a great time with kids and no W - what does that mean - again, this is venting - I can't stand W right now - (she just now asked me if I was "chatting with my friend" - (i.e OMW) - I can't get over what she did ...

how the he11 have I gotten myself into this - I am feelinggf sorry for myself (my own "pity party" ML ...

Just keep on venting, 19. That's what we're here for. Just smile mysteriously at WW and tell her the truth. No, you're not chatting with your little friend. You're chatting with your BIG friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the quick response LH - I needed to hear from someone familiar. I am going to try to watch TV with W and let it go for now - if I can. Sleeping isn't real easy right now - and I may be drinking too much these days - but, I feel sort of resolved - I know I will be OK regardless of what happens - I do worry about the kids -

By the way LH, on a different note, do you know the 2 teams that Bear Bryant never beat at Alabama? (and I don't live in Alabama)?

Stay with it, 19. You'll get a handle on this.

---

No, I don't know those teams. Of course in a 26 year military career, I may have been out of country those years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My H thinks it is Penn State and Oklahoma. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Notre Dame and Texas were the 2 teams - that was for you, Longhorn

I know he beat Penn State at least once, and probably more (the one I know was the 1978 (I think) Sugar Bowl. If he played OK (not sure) I know he beat them because the only 2 he played and didn't beat were ND and Texas.

Just had a lengthy conversation with W. Told her I was sorry for how I have acted over the past 15 years. Told her I was not sorry for telling OMW (only because she brought this up).

W said she is furious with me for telling OMW and for not being sorry that I did it. I told her I did it because I felt it would help save our M. She said it either had no effect or had a negative effect. She said I didn't understand all the consequences of it. I told her she didn't understand the consequences of the EA - without which there would have been nothing to tell.

She said if she sees OM she will say hello to him - she won't just ignore him. Says he's a friend and I am being controlling by telling her she can't talk to him.

I told her I wasn't being controlling at all - that it was a boundary of mine as to how I will allow myself to be treated.

I also told her that her constant minimization of what she has done does not help anything and she needs to think about it.

She said she wants to continue to work on our M but she may not always feel that way. (I did not say the same was true for me since I was trying not to LB).

Is all this fog, withdrawal or is she just crazy? Not sure how much more of this I can take.