I wanted to add that I realize what I'm going through right now is grief work...more about that with the rest of my post...I worked on it some more last night...

I thought that I was finished with it but I guess not!

This is so very true. I've mentioned this several times in the last week how completely different I am.


This is me taking his inventory b/c it's not what I would do, it's not the "right" thing...it's immoral. Yes, I'm DJing him completely! And of course, like you mentioned @ resentments, how could he not do the right thing, take care of his kids? LOL

I'm making myself angry by taking his inventory and not accepting/respecting that this is just who he is, the way it is!


Having reexamined this, I haven't given myself permission to grieve yet. I'm not ready but I think that I'm getting there, I mentioned that my pain was like a pain head, like you referred toyour center and if I concentrate on it, it grows. It's almost like I'm afraid that it will consume me. That I have to keep a stiff upper lip, be stronger than I am. Be tough! I'm stuffing, pushingmy feelings to the side b/c I think that I don't have the tools to handle my grieve.

Feeling that grieve, that pain, I want to control, then when I can'r control, I get angry. It's a cycle I think, one I'm not sure how to break.

I'm trying to make a list of things that i could be grieveing right now! First, the lose of my M, I had told myself time and time again that I didn't get Med to get Ded...This stems from my childhood when I would tell myself "I'm never going to get D!"

So, in essence, I've failed myself, but my failure is not from not picking the right person, one who was emotionally available to me.

The illusion of the person I thought I had along with illusion of a happy home...Another reason why seeing the house upsets me so much. In my mind's eye this was our stepping stone to a bigger and brighter future. This is the home where "our" future stopped together...so I'm GREIVEING the loss of our dreams together, my dreams of all of us together.

I wanted to climb the ladderand POWS got stuck greiveing who I was, wanting who I was, not accepting who I had become. He wanted that girl from college, not the full-time working mom, the go getter, the achiver, the whole package. He just wanted parts of me, parts I wasn't able or willing to go back too. I grew up!

I wouldn't change who I've become today, the path I'm headed on, It feel good to be me, on the up and up!

I also find that I greive his physical presence, talking to him from time to time, not often. I know that I still love him but have accepted that I just can't be with him, I can't be the person that he wants me to be and he will not be the person I need him to be. That much I have accepted or at least I think...

Is it possible to accept and still grieve?

I'm still struggling w/ accepting who he really is, wonder if it's all in my mind, WAS he like that from the start or am I making it up? I still have self-doubt about the events leading to the end of the M and me leaving, was I over reacting, was my fear based in reality? This is why I want/need others to see who POWS is and what he s doing. I NEED that validation b/c it still feels so unreal to me. I need to know that it is real and I AM seeing him for who he isand not who I thought he was.

It seems like everything happened so FAST and it's hard to believe, from me opening my eyes to me deciding to leave. Like the card, I'm not ready yo get rid of it, to let it go. Same thing with all of my posts, I've organized them in binders. The binders I may not ever get rid of, that's part of my life, that I would like to share with ym kids someday buy that could change.

For the time being, I guess I'm allowing myself to grieve in small pieces until i feel safer. Heck, right there towards the, I was crying my eyes out in the bathroom and POWS yelled at me that I didn't even know why I was crying. So, i have a lifetime of not knowing how or being able to express my grieve.

Another break in my post here...

It was a huge betrayal. I figured this much out years ago after I really saw who he was, then kept wishing and waiting fro him to change and when that didn't happen I started to change but not for the better. I gave myself away to fit with him all the while become more and more misery even, full of resentment. It was a hard reality to face that you've picked the wrong person to spend the rest of your life with. That I thought we had the same goals ad didn't, partly his deception. I believe the affair is the saving grace that forced me to see that his actions and words don't match.


I believe when I let POWS take up space in my mind, I'm giving my power away, when I believe what he says about me...I really get angry with myself for allowing myself to entertain the devil's playground...Reaching for that fantasy...MAJOR< MAJOR, self=sabboting, this is my weakness, at least one of them...the will power to stop the thought process, I have the will power now, not to act on those thoughts...


I couldn't face it and didn't until after I made my decision to leave and was preparing for him to be served. A few nights after I went to the lawyer's, I was thinking "How could I be doing this to him?" So, I got out an old journal, didn't remember that I had wrote this in there, so remember visiting with the IC...that's when I figured out that he did this to himself...

I'm not blaming him for everything, not in the least. It was the controlling stuff that was scaring the crap out of me, The Affair, the lack of trust that he bought on himself, lack of intregity, numerous things. I felt like I had given it my all. I was scared out of my mind and had no more tolerance. The fear of staying was greater than the fear of leaving. I would rather be alone and have faith that I will make better choices in the future b/c I know better today than I did yesterday!

That's a lot of stuff and frankly I'm tired of typing...maybe more later...

Hey, Rin...

Thank you for your very thoughtful responses. I was waiting to get all of them...I BET you tired of typing!

I appreciate your efforts very much.

Recap...when your focus dwells on WS, you spiral downward.

And you betray yourself because you're worth your focus.

Would you consider little doors where your focus can get sucked right into WS? If you can be aware of the doors, you'll catch yourself faster...

The house...driving by it...reasonable to look at it and jump foreward and for your focus to go in that door (locked against you) and dwell, walk around, old habits rising up, and the spiral begins.

How about the bike as a focus-suction? Your own vehicle? What if when your fear jumps up, that's a focus-suction cup, as well?

If physical landmarks or items can be little doors your focus slips through...how about marking them in your mind with some graffiti yourself? Tag them. "What's my part?" Only my part?

It's the anti-suction function.

"Where's my power?"

As for you picking the wrong person...what if he was essential to you being where you are right now, who you are, and will be? What if this is God's road? Would that change any of your signals?

No can control WS...he chooses. Would you consider you may be yearning for him to experience the full consequences of his actions right now and change, uhm, right now? His consequences have already begun...and they will continue, on and on...God may not intend them for your eyes.

You can choose what you believe. Choose to see yourself and the kids full time as a true loss...one he feels and distracts heavily from (drinking, HNing, running around). Choosing to believe he's unaffected, relieved, having a gay ol' time is destructive to your heart, not reality, and may really increase your desire for him to be controlled, to control him, to hit him with repercussions of your own making.

Choose differently.

You don't know. My idea is as reasonabe as yours...take mine and see what signals you get inside of yourself.

Your choice to see him love his material stuff more than you...ouch. Often, we demonstrate our care more easily for objects than people...because their steps are simpler. Material items are simple; humans are complex. We cannot love an object anywhere near to the degree of person. In fact, when we love an object greatly, we aren't loving a thing...it's a symbol...and relates to people, our connection with them, and to ourselves.

We can also serve material items (clothes, vehicles, houses, etc.) from being slaves to our self-image, not our true selves. Hard way to live, Rin. I know you know this. Has nothing to do with our actual love for our partners...complicated, layered experience human to human.

Choosing to feel second or last place to anyone is totally up to you...and please understand that all humans do the best they can with what they know then...and when they know better, they do better.

You know that really well. Same applies to WS. Doesn't excuse him from any action...doesn't make him less responsible...his responsibility for his choices remains as inherent as our choice.

I think you're growing through the really hard stuff right now (yeah, like it can GET harder, eh?)...which is about the heart of control...and controlling.

People can act controlling. They can't be.

You know this. Seems like a paradox, yet I think you're working to the heart of it...you won't choose another controlling partner in your future...because you now know you cannot be controlled. You certainly can choose to allow others to control.

When you feel like you've given it your all...then you've given too much. That's a signal your Giver and Taker aren't in balance. That's you acting disrespectfully, not enforcing your boundaries. That's not being good, or saintly, or loving well. There's no fear because you hold your focus, enforce your boundaries, and know your power and limits. Balance.

That kind of tolerance isn't love. Tolerance like respect...see others' choices as their own, not about you, not under your control...is true tolerance. Negating your own boundaries, not holding to them, not enforcing them, ISN'T tolerance.

Highlighting what you already know.

Acting from fear...of abandonment, engulfment (being controlled), attacked, thwarted or abused...isn't part of thriving. I believe you leaving was your act of love...your final boundary enforcement. Only you know if you took all the progressive ones before that one. What you believe you did matters only to highlight what you do now, what your predetermined, progressive boundary enforcements are around yourself, 'k?

Each time you enforce and let the outcome go, you will know acting from love and living from truth. That builds. It's cumulative. Beats the heck out of resentment, fear or anger, any day.

Living from truth keeps us from living in the fantasy of control...either us controlling or being controlled.

You've learned not to live through others...to see them as whole, complete individuals, whom you cannot make anything but a sandwich. You didn't know that then...you know it now.

Do you know the signals now, Rin? When you feel like a doll on the shelf...that's you...your old beliefs...because you cannot be a doll. You're a human. You are separate and equal. Do you now know that choosing such a perspective belittles you, distorts your reality? It is a self-attack...which crosses your boundary, doesn't it?

Grieving the symbol of your home, the place you had dreams, wishes, fantasy and reality...great big kudos on realizing that symbol and mourning the loss. Come to accept who you were could only dream so big...and fantasy was part of it. Think how much bigger your dreams can be now, seated in your center, in reality!

You have the tools, the ability to grieve deeply and well...and still function, laugh and live, even feel happy. Grieving isn't a one-time shot...it's a process...and God gave you the ability to grieve...comes and goes...a SIGNAL, Rin...not a fate. Grieving what happens and what DOESN'T happen...denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance. Look at what ends grieving...acceptance...see how much you've desired that in yourself, for your self, your life, all around you. It's like truth...a part of love. As acceptance rises, feelings of rejection goes down.

Keep with the flip over...if you are seething from WS not taking care of his kids...check yourself. Is there something you did not do or did do which you are telling yourself is/isn't taking care of your kids? Bring your focus back to what you can control...do so without judgment.

The more free reign you give yourself (permission) to judge WS, the more you will judge yourself. Resulting emotions can be rejection, powerlessness, uselessness, wrongness, the ol' defective feeling, fear and pain. Don't hurt yourself, Rin. See where you dwell and how you are dwelling...will give you a clue to how much you are doing to yourself, 'k?

Gratitude lists help. I know you know that. You are already doing the journal/venting letters and those give you temporary relief. If you continue to dwell where you have no control, then the relief remains temporary and rebuilds...contributes to your downward spiral. Get behind the feelings to the beliefs...and see where you're in conflict.

You. Not WS.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Natural to feel old when we fall back in old mental habits, allowances and permissions. Doesn't take blood, sweat or tears to remember we are new, have new permissions (and revoked old ones) and to say kindly and firmly to ourselves, "That's not what I want."

People ache for you, Rin...just as they laugh with you, delight in you, feel angry with you...you're connected to so many...please know and accept these connections. You are not alone. If you're getting that signal...nod your head, acknowledge and trace it...because if you are allowing WS to be the only one you want to feel hurt, fear, anger, frustration...then you're wiping us out, aren't you?

Us being all those connected, aware and with you.

And aren't you wiping out your own love of self, in the process?

Spend no more energy on accepting WS for who he is...you don't know him. You only know his actions right now. Accept he chooses them. Accept it's a human law he will experience the consequences of them. Distraction is a temporary fix...it's also cumulative...those consequences cannot be dodged or undone. They happen.

Trust more in God, his design of humans...don't wipe it out, cut it off, with your focus planted firmly, allowed to roam nuts all over WS.

You want him to be aware. Know we are.

And we are with you.

As for grief time...used to say pain time was slower than real time...so is grief time. Takes two or more years to recover from the death of a parent. Infidelity, the same...personal recovery. Why? Because it is a loss of your partner, (portions of parents within it), who you were when you were enmeshed, and chunk of self-image. That's IF you grieve it well.

Just like in pain time, grief time isn't constant in our conscious. Goes underneath, like a hum, at odd moments, or for days or months...rises again...you bringing back to you, to experience and heal fully. Not one shot. Not a perspective you can choose (though that contributes)...a process.

For a purpose.

You think you're creating more work for yourself...which is where distraction, in the middle ground, is part of healing.

Grant writing--new dreams and goals...separate from your old enmeshed self. Sure you'll fear failure...because you choose to continue to believe in failure. Might want to revisit that belief and see if it's real or fantasy.

Breathe, re-center and stand in the present, Rin. Right now, you are. You are. (You doing the "I am" statement a few times a day? Great way to get back to the present.)

I advise you not to change jobs. That's a big life change and I can't see doing that on top of the divorce this year. Not to mention your boss, your skill, your confidence have been where you are right now...known well and solid. 'Nuff shakey unknown ground, right?

And yes, in taking our inventory, we are going to get signals of anger, sadness, pain and frustration. Too much denial, too long...why wouldn't we? Remind yourself you are no longer denying...you are safe to know all of you.

LA

OKay, I read your last post and wanted to finish my other post, but I'm going to edit some stuff out of it...

As far as the drinking on the boat, I notified my Attorney...Same thing with the house, and the CS.

POWS Attorney replied: POws is living at the house, he will pay CS, and the motorcycle was sold in 2006.

It was brief from what my para said, so I'm done with that...I also had to drive by the house this morning to bring L to school becasue we missed the bus, and this is something that I may want to chose on an everyday basis...

I chose not to look at the house, I looked at HN1's kids standing outside and I was fine...I did tell myself several times today that I will not think of this or that...and that went well!

Anyway, that's all I could do with the attorney stuff. The court system is simply slow and I've have to learn to be very patient, understnading, and have faith that God's plan is better than mine. Mine ended with deadends, like looking for a house, school, etc., so I wait for court.

To me moving forward is an action most of the time:

Rin wants to learn to write grants, she does it.

Rin wants to go to school for her Master's, she does it.

Rin wants to move back into the house, she does it.

Rin wants, what she wants when she wants it....

I'm still learning that moving forward means that we have to sit still; we're back to feeling stuck and knowing we're not.

Each one of these had something blocking the road, that "I" can't do anything about except for the grant writing. (this fear has been taken care of. I shared it with my Sponsor what I've wrote and so far it's me once again putting my expectations onto OP. Anyway, having to sit still, breathe, and know that God's time is better than mine!

I agree that God's was/ is ringing my inner Doorbell...I did lose my connection, not only with my HP. My faith and spirit declined.

As far as asking my lawyer to have POWS clean the house adn the yard, I could ask, wouldn't hurt!

My goal this week is to NOT call my attorney, there's no reason for it that I can see...it'll actually be the first week that I don't talk to them two or three times...

lmao...there was a lot more but I really didn't see the point...

Now, let's see if I can get TO THE OTHER POST...

wELL, I CAN'T just got a call from one of F's teachers, talking and not on task...UGH!...day 6...GEESH...i'm cool! I refuse to fight with him this year...there are consequences to his actions if he doesn't do what he should...it's the behavior, not the work...

Rin,

About F...that really hits home with me...was something I did, growing up, and was what my sons did...and you nailed it...not getting in the way of his consequences...and applying your own. One of them could be to set aside 15 minutes a night to only listen and repeat with F...eye to eye...where he can gab away, only has to stop when you hold up your palm so you can repeat and he can confirm or clarify. Why? Because the high is gushing out his stuff...the reality is he's being heard.

Not a cure or a fix...just something within your own power...and tougher than it sounds, too. Examples how important listening is, too...something he can take with him to school, at home and in life.

Did you know we have to label problems as problems? You weren't faced with another problem today (F's actions)...you were being shared with by his teacher. Notified, informed. Listen and repeat with teacher...confirm or clarify if teacher is asking for you to do or say something specific...and ask what consequences teacher has predetermined...that you can support.

I remember in second grade getting "walled" by the teacher for talking when she was speaking. Walled meant having to stand against the playground wall at recess. Like a dunce chair with cap, IMO. Felt humiliating, exposed, terribly vulnerable and deprived. Hit all my major buttons (equated with being bad, defective).

And I remember it to this day. Hmmm. Had impact.

That's me sharing, btw.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Okay...about your choice not to call A...why not address your concerns to A only on paper...and fax them once a week? Documents, goes in your case file and it isn't verbal. What do you think? Does your part and you each have a copy?

I don't understand why a garnishment isn't already in place, given his late/non-existent payments (non-compliance...has consequences). Am I hearing you correctly, that your own A now believes that the bike was sold in 2006?

Would consider re-centering as re-connecting? Includes your HP, your self and others?

Seems to me that if you make your new action to stop talking and starting writing...that ripples to a few things you're addressing...like grant writing...amends past choices of talking about what you want and not doing it...maybe examples something to F...(you're creative...add some more)...and what you do here, on MB, which can feel like talking/writing...

What do you think?

Rin wants what she wants when she wants it...no longer in the way she wants it? Are you open to God bringing you other places to live...as you have been to other ways to live?

Did you have your postponed board meeting yet? Is it tonight?

I feel delight you are choosing not to fight with F this year, btw.

I look forward to every post you make, Rinners...thank you for being here...

LA

Thank you too BTW, I appreciate your efforts and time to post back to me...I love the mutuality that we have together...How cool is that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I did betray myself this past week, it's sad that it happened but I got to see something and learn a few more...LMAO...Always a plus...

I like the idea of the door and asking What's my Part? I have several triggers that make me think of the past...I've noticed that when I see a motorcycle or a group of motorcycles, I find I miss it...So, a little grief about that and I understand that doesn't mean that I will not do that again somewhere down the line...It's all good, just something I miss with STBX...

I've had to pass by the house several times in the this week with L and school, or with my co-worker and I just don't look at the house...eyes forward or across the street, or down, like this morning...

Course, I'm back on my meds. and feeling MUCH better, I'll just have to make sure that I have the funds for that in the future...two weeks without...LMAO...I got through the nightmares, WOW!!!

Anyway, No, I don't think that I picked the "wrong Person"...I've learned a lot, I have my boys, and I use to say that people come into your life and you learn everything that you can and when it's time for them to go, they go! So, Here I am! I got to beautiful boys from STBX, and we created a good life together for the most part...shame that we are moving in different directions, but I have to do this for me and wish him the best...

I do want some consequences for his actions, not everything has to happen NOW, I get that...I know there will be some when we get to court, and in my POV, that when something, a small bit, is going to hit him...IF not, oh, well...

He really didn't want much to do with the boys, he would say all the time that he would do more with them when they were older, and I would say that later would be to late...

So, STBX will have to deal with that sometime because the kids don't ask for him and even once in a while, L will talk about him...and I understand that, doesn't bother me either, I try really hard to watch what I say, because they will come to their own conclusion about him they DO NOT need any help from me...

This is me remember what my mom doing with me and respecting her for it...wanting to be remembered in the same way down the road... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I also believe that he is affect by not having us there, the last time I saw him, he looked wore down...and I do think that He is the type of person that needs to be filled by other people, things, etc...I can change my thinking in that, we didn't come last, he just didn't know how to express that love...

Keeping up with the Jones IS a horrible way to live, and I really felt that's what STBX was trying to do...I didn't need these things, yeah, they were nice, but that wasn't my propriety...

Well, I can say that I've had great awareness with my fear and the need to control, the hard stuff huh? LMAO Let look back a bit, I feared STBX leaving me, thus I tried to control...which I can see now that I had to control...my fears grew...and it was a viscous cycle...

I'm sure that was the same with STBX...I'm choicing not to call him POWS in his post...choicing to try be respectful but it's more comfortable to refer to him as POWS and LMAO...easier to type...

I can see how he tried to control me and I let him...What's done is done...can't change it, can just learn from it...

So, in the future, when me fear jumps up, I can look to where I may be trying to control things and I do this to make myself feel better when it really doesn't in the long run...damage is done and if I sit back and work through it then it will work out anyway...

This is my lesson...LMAO...lets see if I can remember it in the future...

And if I understand right, I can look to my boundaries and see if I'm enforcing them should my fear pop up...I'm guessing that this is with people?

ANd true tolerance is accepting and letting it go...understanding that this is the OP's chose but me not approving...Tolerance!


So, a red flag for me would be feeling like a doll...and I should look to my boundaries...same thing with feeling like I'm being put last in line...any old stuff that I feel...

Yes, I can see how that's being disrespectful to myself, which if I'm doing it to myself then, I'm quicker to do it to someone else...there lies the projection...my thinking onto OP...

I find that it's really hard to not judge people that I've known for a long time, and easy to accept the new people in my life...and I've noticed that I can just accept my parents, and not tell myself "well, they are doing this because of this!" So, I find that it's getting easier...that's just negative thinking that gets me in trouble with myself...

I'm trying hard to flip WS not "taking care of the kids" or "not supporting them"...I do take care of them, I feed them, I make sure that they bathe, I make sure that them have clean clothes, food to eat, toothpaste, etc...I make sure that I have the money to purchase the things that they/we need...WS is not providing money to purchase anything that they need/want...not there to wipe tears away...not I'm not resentful of doing any of these things for my kids, and I'm not resentful that WS is not doing these things...to me, it's simply fact...it's what I chose to do for them and I'm sorry that he doesn't chose the same things...his lose, not mine...

Now, if we were hurting for something, I would be resentful, but there's not point...I am here, and I am doing what I need to do for me and the boys...I'm sure he feels that he is doing what he needs to be for him and the boys too! No hard feeling on this one...

And if I reexamine the concept of failure then it's really not failure, because it IS me doing the best I can with what I have...I don't feel that I'm a failure b/c my M fell apart, or that I'm a "failure" b/c I don't know, F's not doing what he needs to do...so, I can't fail at something if I give it my all...

LMAO...How do you elimitate certain words from your vocabulary? LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> So, it's really a fear of not doing my best? WOW, that wouldn't happen, not with me! Funny! Achiever!!!!

LOL...last Friday I walked into the house for lunch, it was really rough for me that day, and Spon. asked how I was doing? I said, I'm taking one minute at a time...I HAVE said numeous times "K, right now, I'm eating! Or right now, I'm at work, doing whatever!" I really found that DOES help...

Oh, I would accept God choosing another place fro me to live, I'm open to that, and I have a better outlook on if we move into the house...yes, the dream has died of the house being a stepping stone for out family...well, i still have my family, it's just short a person...it still is our stepping stone...

Just have to wait and see...heck, I've been doing that for a while, what's a little longer?

Well, I have a few other things that I need to address, like with F, well, briefly I mentioned that on my thread and I remember doing the same thing as a kid...but my parents weren't called!!

Let me get some work done, and thank you for allowing my to share with you and using YOUR experience and POV to open my eyes...NOW, that's a blessing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hello, I know that you do not advise a new job right now, BUT, i just got a call for an interview for a grant writer position!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Wowsers...

I got that stunned blue face myself.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Okay, I'm okay now.

LA

I'm shocked too! I mean really shocked, I'm going to go at least see what they have to offer...

Did you see my other post?

LMAO...Are you sure you are okay? LMAO

Big congrats, Rin, on getting your first mani/pedi/eyebrow waxing.

I suggest keeping a list of firsts. Put this on it, 'k?

About asking what's my part...that answers the all or nothing (which is a signal we're more in our child perspective than our adult one) realy well. As child, we think we're all at fault, all to blame, or others are. All or nothing. As adults, we know from our experience we have a part...finding that part, not all, not nothing, helps us to stay in our adult perpective. It's a win/win.

You were thinking about the happy and sad times in your marriage...hearing WH's voice in your head, remembering. You asked if it was all in your own thinking...hear that "all"...it's as dangerous and untrue as "none of it was in my thinking, it was all him."

Which is why marriages are not all bad or nothing bad...unhealhty behaviors are there as well as healhty ones. You can rely on marriages being a mixed bag because they have two whole people in it...with healthy and unhealthy behaviors and truths.

And each have the power to zoom in on one behavior and then experience it as if it is the whole relationship...the one problem, the one grace, the one, instead of a single part.

Not nuts or wrong...just humans having this ability and going for all...or nothing.

Which is why my urge to begin with any new poster is what's your part? Not blame...power. Owning our actions, our beliefs...doesn't change the partner, changes the marriage.

Like you chose to do with triggering to motorcycles. I'm asking you to see them as symbols...you've already got the "part" of them in your life experience...go further. Take some time to trace your signals to the beliefs behind them, ferret out parts of the what they symbolize...and usually, the trigger will abate rapidly. You choose your symbols...God gave us the ability to see a thing as a thing, and as a symbol...lots of layers within the symbol...because there are many feelings and actions attached to the thing.

Same for the house.

Same for the job.

Same for what you do and don't do. Just your part...knowing the whole.

Like the CS payment finally arriving...you went straight to why...instead of he paid it. Just like you knew every day he didn't pay it. You cannot control his choices...even though they affect you, your kids. And you manage brilliantly without it...which is your part you have set in reality so well! You take your half of the steps...to ask for garnishments (doesn't mean you're controlling that you'll get them), to ask for what is already in place for those who walked this road before. And you let the outcome go.

No why's, Rin. That trains your brain to believe it knows what it cannot...to look for, focus on hearing about your WH's actions (like the dinner)...which leads you away from reality...by making it seem as if it's a fact...which knocks you off your center.

Stay centered.

Valid to wish you had control to protect your children from others' choices. You don't. You know you don't. What is your part? Teaching them about their own power (which I believe you do really well), showing them their choices in how to respond, what they can do...such as call you to pick them up if all the adults are drunk or passed out. That they have the freedom to do that. The responsibility to themselves.

Does that protect them from experiencing bad stuff? No. Does it give them healthy ways to act? You betcha. And isn't that what parenting truly is? Not making the bad stuff never happen (full of child perspective there)...empowering our children to know how to handle the bad stuff, their part...from their own choices.


About wanting your WH to really get all his consequences...let's take that reasonable wishful child idea further...say he does...say he has his come to Jesus moment and chooses to live better, grow, etc. What then, Rin? Is that you thinking if he did "get it" you'd be together again? Of he'd know the full brunt of your pain, inside and out, and then what? Be a better person, a better father...the world would be safer?

We get what we get when we get it. You know that. You know it took a lot for you to get it...and we're still getting more, aren't we? Our urge to control is sneaky and pervasive...see if this isn't part of it rearing it's head in your life...wanting you to be more powerful than you are, less limited. You cannot know what he gets and what he doesn't. That's great! Shows you truly are separate people...and that no DJs are at work to trick you into fantasy.

Which is you holding to your own boundaries...and yes, it's with people. You're people, too.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The more we see where our control tries to assert where we have no control...the more we see the child within us, behind that urge, the less we fear or fight it...we hold, cuddle and understand it. Control lessens as our fear lessens.

We're okay. We really are. You're getting this...it's a process. Begins with our choice to believe we are okay...and then we experience it.

Watch out for the "all" and the "nothing" as signals. Giving it our all...well, isn't that like giving all of ourselves away? Why not doing and not doing? Being?

You are doing...and you see really well what you are doing in concrete ways...I'm asking you here to widen that to include the non-concrete, the intangible...to see your thoughts as actions (doing and not doing), and I see where you already chose not to look at the house for now. Great self-care. Doesn't mean you won't examine what it symbolizes...know what you think and believe...and supports yourself...you will take action to not do that which you will resent...even in your own head.

Same with how WH spoke to you...flip it to see how you speak to yourself...your own words...are they full of care and understanding, acknowledgment?

Same for the job...you'll go to the interview, to learn more...doesn't mean you'll take it, as you didn't take the other one, because your priorities are salary and benefits. Doesn't mean there won't be another job down the line or this one...just know you will not bend on your priorities right now. God brings what we need to us again and again. Not one shot or nothing. Not all or nothing.

LA

Thank you for the congrats! I enjoyed myself, it was funny b/c I couldn't understand what the lady was saying! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know about the all/nothing/always...I try very hard to not use words like that b/c I know this...just like never...you've explained that before so I was a little disappointed in myself when I saw what I did...

As far as the motorcycles are concerned, it's a sense of freedom, the wind in your hair, on your face, feeling/smeeling the world around you, not through the "TV screen" of a car or truck...being one with nature...

And, YES, I still have that wishful child thinking that if POWS did have his come to Jesus meeting and "woke UP" that we could someday be togather again...but I think that this is becasue he's familiar...life with him is familiar...well, was...completely different now and would be, b/c we are/would be different people...

It's the same thing that I wished in the M...that we could go together and move forward together...I don't wish for this all the time, just ever once in a while, probably when I'm feeling lonely...but there again, it's wanting something that I didn't have to begin with...

Perhaps still some symptoms of withdrawal...

And with the kids, that is my goal, to teach them different...I have told them that if they are uncomfortable with something that they CAN call me, and I would go pick them up...

I did have to pray last night to ask God to remove my feeling of wanting POWS to get everything that's coming to him...I don't want to be a vengeful person, I joke about what I would like to see happen to him from time to time...it eases the pressure somehow...

Stuff like: "I would love for the judge to tell him that he's a bad parents, send him to parenting classes, send him to jail." Also my wishful thinking...wanting him to face and own the consequences of his behavior...

I still fear, but not as much, what he will do once the judge rules in my favor...still hear his threats of burning the house, or him rathering to go to jail then give me anything...it doesn't bother me as much because I know that he will have consequences for that and I CAN move on...

Perhaps there a balance within me now...

Sometimes I hear myself saying that I can't do this, that it's too hard and I have to remind myself that "I AM" doing this...and that I can't think that way...that IS SUCH a process...takes time to adjust that thinking...I had to fuss myself the other day, b/c I did something and told myself "hey, stupid!"...

This is NOT something I do, so I stopped and said what are you doing, that thinking will not get you anywhere...it's a conscious effort...and I know that it's going to take time...

I remind myself often that I am right where I need to be...that things happen for a reason...like this whole process taking six months...well, I know that POWS can only keep up the appears for so long, and this has given him plenty of time to show he's true colors...all I had to do was be me...and that's been good!

Once the kids and I move, it will be a whole new learning process with a different set of rules for me...no matter where we are, and if I can do it now, I can do it later...takes time to adjust right?

Thank you for takes your time to share and help me see things differently...clearly in some areas...I am happy to say that hearing the information for L didn't knock my off balance...I'm working hard on just accepting and letting go...I find that to be really difficult...sometimes it's easy and other well...I have to pray for willingness to be willing...LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hello, I need some help...I am angry with POWS and I guess I am developing some resentments with him...one for giving L twice the dose of Meds he needed and the other for not responsing to my requests for stuff from the house...

???????

Well, some where along the way from the first post and this one, I have let it go...feel better now, of course, I've been busy...LMAO

have problems with a mail merge...and the printer...

Talk about focusing on the moments...well, let me figure this thing out...guess I just needed some time...

Thank you for having this thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Okay...here's your reality stablizer...

WS doubled L's dose even though he knew what was required, and was reminded by L. Disrespect going in more than one direction.

Next, you cannot make him not do it...that's really scary. You can't go back and undo it, nor make him do it in the future.

You know this. Fear grows greater.

As soon as you knew, you alerted your A...and I hope, wrote a written statement to document and sent to your A. I'm telling you, Rin...I really want you to have communication documention in your file...and keep a copy in yours.

That's my fear...too much verbal and no way to prove what you've really asked of your A.

Couple of questions...

Can you prove harm resulted from WS's administering the drug incorrectly (aside from on-purpose)? Can you reasonably link this to a real consequence, medically? How about emotionally through your family counselor?

Now...think on what you can do...POJA with YOURSELF...

How can L get his medication safely on the days he sleeps over at his father's?

He can take it himself (really bad idea for the kids to be more responsible than one of the parents...yet, there is an idea here...which is that L takes his correct dosage in front of WS, twice a day.

Or...

You set up where you bring the medicine at the pre-set time twice a day...or a trusted third-party does...or that L can't go to his father's until WS agrees, in writing (notarized) to give the correct dosage twice a day.

Lots of choices...offer the ones you can live with...because your concern is real. Get the prescribing doctor to write a letter and fax it to your A or to you regarding possible side-effects or consequences of doubling L's dosage. That way you'll know what to watch for (no guessing) and so will L.

Scary stuff for a brave little boy to have spoken his mind to his father. Reward that. He enforced a boundary with the first step. Encourage him to take the second boundary enforcement...to decline to take the improper dosage and to call you, or MIL or even, 911, if he WS tries to force him to take it.

This is medication which isn't temporary, correct? Not like amoxycillin or anything...this is part of what L needs daily. He knows. You know.

No need to build resentment in you...swallowing that poison which tells you that you are helpless, powerless and out of control. You aren't. You're clear-minded and focused not on getting WS to do the right thing...to have the right thing done. Involves your child, can involve a judge.

Get your facts set...ramifications documented...and know you're doing your part. Know it all the way through, 'k?

You should not be requesting anything from the house through WS. Only your A, 'k?

I now see your next post...and I fully empathize...because the computer gremlins are running amok today...I so hear you.

LA

Hi, I've been busy working on the L thing today...called Poison control...L could tolerate a whole pill...

I went to the dr., talked to her, she asked some questions, time, etc...he's fine...

I've come to the conculsion that I don't have to let them go when they are sick and are on meds...this med was not something that L takes everyday but he has taken it often...

Truth is I just can't trust POWS...plain and simply...

Not sure if you read my thread but I had a metldown last night at a meeting...it was good and I needed it...felt better today...

I did print some info on the drug and will be handing that over to the Attorney...I'm getting some things striaght in my head about HOW I want the custody papers to read...VERY SPECIFIC...days, times, maybe not EOW but the 2nd and 4th weekend of the month...so POWS has no more to turn things around...narrowing his path, which is for my protection and the kids at the same time...

I got you on the attorney...it's a shame that the sitch has come to this...but it's a matter of doing what I ahve to do...I'm okay with that...

Well, thank you for being a blessing in my life for inspiring me to move forward and think outside the box I have owned my whole life...for challenging me to want better for myself and my kids...

I dream that my kids will come to me with the same words one day...to be on the other side, what a feeling that will be for me...I'm getting that now, with OP in my group...

MOF, there a girl that I met a few times who remember ME, but I don't remember her...she ran into another member today and I hear she excited to talk to me...so I have plans to call her...LMAO..wanted to tonight but I was tired and fell asleep with L at 8:30...

b/c of yesterday a friend called today to check on me and the phone woke me up...feeling pretty good, but I need to go back to sleep...I haven't been getting the rest I should...

Well, off to snuggle with L, it's his night...at least that's something that I am grateful for...my kids still fight to snuggle with me...they will be lost and I will too when we have more room...I have been blessed with numeous gifts, the best two are with ME!!!

Good night!!

Rin,

I believe God is sending you messages...like the topic being anger...and spon saying go to the meeting...and you talking with spon...and it all ripples, see?

He's saying he's 100% there for you...he doesn't want POWS in the way of your relationship with him at all. He's gonna reach for you, hold out his hand to you...and be there for you...fulfilling your prayers...bet on it, 'k?

Great to know you realize low energy is also valid, low physical energy from lack of sleep. You've adapted so well to your erratic sleep pattern...I'm wondering if you'll know when your regular one comes back?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Sleep, nap, hug yourself, and know...you're here and now, Rin.

You really are.

May I ask when you'll stop texting POWS? When you'll stop your side and only do it through an intermediary?

I thought I saw where they changed the court hearing again...they didn't, did they? I saw it in the title of your thread or something. Wanted to clarify.

Please?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Court date is Sept. 14th...same guess I need to change the title...

Sunday's Tm was the first that I did since Aug 1st, about motorcycle insurance...I didn't realize until later that if he didn't pay it that it didn't affect me, my name's not on it...i had to check on the date...last he TMed me on Aug 7th about L's Kindergarten testing...

I chose not to talk to him...and since the last TM, I decided that you were right and anything I have to say can be said through my Lawyer...should he TM me again, I will tell him that and only that...

Well, I'm getting out of here, off tomorrow, I mentioned that on my thread...

I'm so happy that you are in my life! Thank you!

Bump

This was once a very inspiring thread... I am sorry it hasn't been utilized for a long time.

Wishing all those who particpated on this life changing thread a very Merry Christmas... and hope for an inspirational New Year.

Maybe with any luck this thread will again become the powerful place it once was. Go Team Villagers GO.
God Bless You All.

JJ,

You are so right. This thread and LA provided me with a lot of strength and hope. Things are working well.

May all the "Villagers, LA especially, have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"

Good Luck and may God bless and continue to bless all of us.