Thanks again for the response. I promise I won't say thanks again. Just expect that I mean it.

Ok so you say pursue or whatever. What do you suggest I do? Write e-mails, send text messages, send flowers is that what your saying? I don't know that's why I'm asking.

Let me say too, I am getting conflicting advice. Most people I know say leave her alone and hope/pray that she will come around. Obviously it hasn't worked.

So what's the next step? I would like to save the M. I just need direction.

Chong

The only thing I can think of doing would be to write a letter to her. Maybe ask to see her. Would that be a good idea? No R talk just say hi and how ya doing letter? I wouldn't expect anything from it but who knows? She'll know I'm still around.

If that's a bad idea just say so. If not, any suggestions on what to say?

Chong

Click my name and look at the posts I've written to others. Start slowly and build up. Email is good. Letters are good also.

Respect dictates that you not be forceful.
Short messages on answering machines are OK.

Flowers at first may be too affectionate. It will take time and at 7 to 35, no one move will win the game. But 2 to 3 points at a time will build up.


DLK21

after reading this tread....i find myself in it.
i too did everything around the house because my wife is a procrastinator......im not sure anything would get done if i waited on her. i changed the bed, cleaned the bathrooms, the list went on and on. i resented the fact she wouldnt "kick in" and help. she told me my priorities were wrong. i didnt get it. i thought by doing these things ...made her life easier and freed up her time to do the things she wanted. sadly, i was too tired and didnt do all the recreational items she wanted to do and she left me after a year & a half of marriage. i didnt mind doing the stuff but just hoped she'd help.
clearly, my way of doing things was wrong. i sold our home 6 months after she left and we looked at a house together that i ended up buying ........hoping she'd move into it and we could start new. for the 1-1/2 years shes been gone, i have dedicated my life to doing the things she claimed i didnt do. has it helped....did it help???? not one bit. the more i did what she wanted the less respect she had and the poorer she treated me. actually ,,, she got madder.
thats when i read the book "love must be tough" .
mind you .....i was never disrespectful to my wife...if anything i was too considerate......i actually relieved her of any duty in the home. it was a mistake.......i needed to let go of some of the things i thought were essential for me.
needless to say she never moved into the new house...stated she couldnt trust me with her feelings and doesnt appear she has any interest in rekindling our marriage even if i have changed my ways and shown that for the length of time shes been gone.
bottom line.......ive broken contact based on dr. dobsons book "love must be tough" but even that hasnt had an effect. i havent had contact now for 2-1/2 months and she seems , obviously, to be fine with that. im responsible for my part of the problems in our marriage but shes yet to admit any guilt let alone try to change anything about herself to better satisfy me.
how long must i wait???? i love my wife but as you stated she says " i love you but im not in love with you" and now after this length of time ...i doubt she even cares at all. im beginning to think she just wanted to try marriage and very shortly after we married.......she decided it just wasnt for her. weve been married a total of 3 years (seperated 1-1/2). we're both christians but she doesnt seem to take that very seriously in that as christians we shouldnt divorce if there isnt biblical reason and there isnt. although i have proof she was calling her old boyfriend after leaving the house several times. she said she just needed someone to talk and theyre just friends. if this was true.......why didnt she sit in our house and make the calls?
i want to do what is right to save our marriage but .......i , as well as you, cant do it alone. keep praying that God will intervene and touch her heart...near as i can tell what ever happens will depend on His will.

Thanks DLK for you reply and I will check out your posts.

Thanks cam for your reply too.

I too thought that me doing things around the house would help her out. I guess it made her resent me. I will say this I never got the "in love you but not in love with you" speech. She has never told me anything. I've actually told her I don't know why we're getting a D. All she says is you know why. I know I wasn't happy but she never told me anything. In hindsight I saw it in her actions. We had terrible communication. This is a problem she has had all her life. She has problems from her childhood and I know they're affecting her now.

It's so complicated and frustrating. At times I want to forget her and all the pain she has caused. Most of times I miss her and want to work everything out. Right now it is a terrible time to try and communicate with her b/c she is about to receive a settlement in the mail that is going to piss her off. I don't even know what to say b/c it's been so long. I'm also scared to death of more rejection. I've come so far in such a short period of time that I would hate to go backwards.

Thanks for reading the post and any thoughts are appreciated.

Chong

I had another thought I wanted to share.

When my W told me she filed for D she did it by way of a two sentence letter on a post-it note. (Is that all I'm worth) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She said she thought I really loved her but since I had been bad mouthing her around town she had to D me. I told everyone I knew that I thought she was having an A. So that whole exposure thing back fired on me, according to her.

Don't think I believe her. That was just a weak excuse for filing the D.

Chong

I just re-read Plan A and Plan B. I have been implementing Plan B. It hasn't worked at all. I've been trying to work on myself which has helped but nothing to get my W back.

Looks like I'm gonna be a statistic. Unfortuneately on the D side.

I guess I'm having a few down days. Arghhh!

Steve Harley thinks that Plan B is not for men with no children. If you do that you do not choose the most likely way to restore love between you.

It is normal that she will feel disrespect from you when exposing her A. Choose your people wisly but do not be over worried about her reaction. It shows you are hitting the target and will help in the long run.

DLK21

I guess I'm confused on what to do.

So you say Plan B is not the answer. Obviously not b/c it hasn't helped. So back to Plan A. The A has been exposed. I just didn't write a letter to her. She knows she's having an A and she knows I know she having an A.

So there in lies the same problem for me. How do I impement Plan A without any contact? She has made it very clear she wants nothing to do with me. The only way I could contact her is by calling her at work. She already hates her job so calling her there would only stress her out more.

Any suggestions?


Chong