It could be they know the OM's name, and know he checked out a couple days ago.... but usually hotels will look people up. Hotels are computerized, they have so many rooms, that's the only way to do it. But if the receptionist didn't seem too long before answering, maybe they knew off the top of their mind that the OM checked out, and that could be either because he checked out recently, or that they recall the OM checking out some other time....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Drex...I got some great handouts at counseling yesterday from our Celebrate Recovery program at church re: characteristics of those that have been abused and of sex addicts. I'll try to scan them tonight and put them as a link or something. I think you would find it interesting. I hope today will be better for you. I know you are hurting so but you are so brave and working so hard at all this. I pray your MC session tonight will be productive.

Drex - So what happened last night? Did W come home soon after your last post where she was late? (Sorry if I missed it). Hang in there.

Hi Drex. Guess who else admires you. Three little people. And in about 20-25 years, they'll tell you so, and you'll be high as a kite! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Please excuse this little aside: TooSad, What's the book again? I gotta tell you, I get a lot out of reading your posts. Thanks.

--SC

Shortly after 8, after I made sure the kids were settled and had instructions I went looking for her, specifically, went to drive to her work, even though it's a 45 minute drive. About 20 mins into the drive (8:30?) she called my cell to say she was on her way home. She had gone for a "drive" and had a good "cry". I didn't really buy into that. That's why I called the hotel this morning. Was going to call other hotels around that area, but after talking with the first one, didn't think I needed to.

OM was deployed with her for a little over a month, then came back last month to his home. Apparently he told his wife he was going TDY or something. I don't know. I'm having a hard time finding her contact info. If anyone has an active subscription to net detective or has other tools to use and wants to volunteer, let me know.

I have a couple of errands to run and I'll be back. Give me time on how to confront WW with this info at MC tonight.

http://www.celebrate-recovery.org/Literature%20Table.htm

On this link, they have the handouts I was talking about. The one on characteristics of survivors of abuse and the 20 questions about SA were real eye openers for hubby and me.

March, thanks for the heads up. Rather enlightening material.

Okie. A quick update for everyone. Fabulous weekend. WW and I are sore from two-stepping and line dancing so much. Had a great day with the kids yesterday, even though the weather was rainy. Still investigating last weeks incidents, but I don't think there's much to them.

Thanks for everyone's support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes.

I'm so glad to hear you all had a great weekend. Also nice to know that your fears of last week were hopefully unfounded. It's so hard not to jump to conclusions or worst case scenario right now. I remember getting all worked up one time then realizing the data I was concerned about was from April 1 last year not this year. Just an example. I hope your roller coaster is a smooth ride this week.

WW had to go into work last night for a little while to make sure some people she's responsible for moving got on the bus and whatnot. I volunteered to go with her and that was all good. 45 minute drive there and back would make for a solid 90 minutes of undivided attention, right?

Well, where do I start this. LOL What she said was, "You loafed around on your back while I was getting ready." What happened was, I got ready faster than she did. I couldn't have done anything to help her get ready (she even said so) so I layed on the bed waiting.

What she said was, "You've made me run late. You make me late for everything. You have no sense of urgency for the things that are important to me." What happened was, I kissed our kids, who were sleeping, before I went downstairs to leave. We arrived at her work 10 minutes early instead of 12 or 13 minutes early. Every red light was my fault. Every slow driver...

She has a thing at her work on Friday that I'm bringing our kids to and she says, "Don't be late." in a real nasty tone. Then, she starts bringing up all the times before that I have "made her late". i.e. She says, "You made me late for my own deployment." I say, "I remember that you asked me to drive and that you decided we had enough time to stop for breakfast and we were still there 5 minutes early." She says, "You made me late for so and so's going away party." I say, "I remember you asked me to drive and you didn't have directions to the restaurant."

I say, "I'm sorry you feel as though I don't have a sense of urgency for the things that are important to you. I'll try to work on that and be better." (Poop sandwich anyone?)

She says, "You think just because you apologize it makes it all better?" Later she says, "I've been waiting to have this arguement with you for so long." I reply, "What you said was hurtful to me. I have expressed to you before that argueing with you hurts me inside and I hate doing it and you just told me you've been waiting to hurt me." Then she says, "You know what, call me names, do whatever you want, I'm not talking to you anymore." What the heck?

I swear, this was only on the way TO her work. Why do people fuss about stuff like this? Sense of urgency? We got homework from our MC last week. Individual and couple homework. My individual stuff has been done, last week she did her homework in the car on the way to MC. Her homework for this week isn't done yet and I can't do the couple homework by myself and she wants to get on my about sense of urgency.

I have a list of things that I do every week. She and I sit down and make the list together so SHE doesn't feel like anything is left out. On this same list are things that she and I agree to do together because that's really how they need to be done. The things on the list marked "together" that require more effort on her part than writing in a notebook have been carried over from week to week for the last month and I have no sense of urgency.

I've never been one to lose my temper, but last night I wanted to throw things and break things (not hurt anybody, mind you). I hate catering to her whims. I hate having to walk on eggshells. Then we get up this morning and she acts like nothing happened! I don't know if what I'm having is second thoughts, but I think I'm starting to lose my motivation. This is really wearing on me. Somebody please hoist me back up.

Drex...
Of course, I've never tried to execute a plan-A, but since I'm an early bird, I'll give you my take on this so's you have some feedback to chew on until some of the others get their butts out of bed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

First impression: She's trying to goad you and you're doing pretty dang well holding your own.

Why is she trying to goad you? Who the heck knows. Could be she feels so awful about herself right now that she's looking for an "out" (and probably isn't even consciously aware of it). Could be she's trying to test you. Could be withdrawl.

Regardless, you did okay. It sounds like you did a good job setting the record straight, calmly.

Here's the only misstep I see:


Has this really been getting under her skin for a long time? Or is she just looking for an excuse to do battle with you now, and that's the best she could come up with on short notice? Again, who knows? It probably wouldn't hurt for you to do a little thinking about whether her complaint might have ANY validity, just so you can move on with a clear conscience.

But what I really wanted to say about the above paragraph is that you essentially told her -- "don't bring up beefs with me cause it hurts me". That ain't gonna work. Next time, how about something along the lines of...

"You know, if I've been doing something to hurt or irritate you... I want to know about it. I want to know what I can do to make it better. But I can't fix the problem unless I really understand what it is... and so far you've only given me examples of things I remember differently. Are there other examples? Or things I've said or done to make you feel this way?"

She might come up with some more examples.

She might say... "You just don't get it!"... To which you could say... "No, I don't. But I'm willing to try, if you want to discuss it more at some point."

One other thing... If you feel like breaking things to get out some of that frustration... go for it. I know of a woman who buys junky old dishes at yard sales just so she can break a stack of them when she's really mad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, Drex.

--SC

Oh... PS... if the approach I suggested doesn't work... you could always get out that handy-dandy straw of yours and... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think Smart Cookie's advice is excellent. I too wonder if the goading is due to her feeling so bad about herself. I do commend you for handling it so well. I know it is so hard for you to have been walking on eggshells for almost 6 weeks straight. You do need some plates to break or something. Maybe instead of dancing you need to go play racquetball or paintball or do some roller derby.

As for her homework that she is not doing, would it be possible for you to help her get a free time slot scheduled to do it. Is there something you could do that she wouldn't have to do in order to make time for it? I know since you are the SAHD there probably isn't a lot she does but just an idea.

I can understand that your motivation may be waning but from what I've learned about you, I think you can pull up the boot straps and continue. We just have to think her breakthrough is right around the corner. Don't give up to soon. I know it feels like an eternity but it's been less than 2 months...compare that to how many times and years her A's happened. I'm saying a prayer for you now.

SC,

Yeah, I may have LB'd there. I have been telling her for 6 weeks though that if I don't know there's a problem I can't fix it. She's getting the same line from MC too. When she said she had been waiting to argue with me about that, it was a trigger. Really, after 12 years, she knows what buttons to push. Could I have phrased it differently? Probably. I felt and still feel like she was intentionally being hurtful and there's no rule, last I checked, that said I had to eat every poopy sandwich I was served.

I guess I should clarify the background behind that statement a little. WW and I can, when we choose to, communicate without peeing in each others Cheerios. We do it all the time. And recently, we've gotten really good at actively listening, repeating, validating, etc. When we've had arguements, though, it always ends with, "I hate argueing with you. I know it hurts you and because it hurts you, it hurts me. I don't want to be the cause of your hurt or unhappiness." To which she says, "I hate fighting with you too." 90% of the time, something gets resolved and we're better than where we started before the fuss.

Last night just seemed absolutely silly, though. There was no resolution. And I'm still mad. I really did try to understand where her anger was coming from. I asked her to explain it differently to me 2 or 3 times so I could "get it". What I got was DJs, and AOs. Now I'm concerned that when we go to MC tonight, I'm not going to be able to focus on what we're there for because I'm going to be hung up on this nonsense.

Yes, the straw has come to mind. Sometimes, I feel as though it needs to be big enough for Florida to fit through though. LOL

March,


I'm allergic to pain and my doctor says there isn't an allergy shot for that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Actually, WW and I used to play racquetball a lot. Now she's not into it. And she despises paint ball.

As far as giving her a break and providing her time to do her homework? She has chosen every day since the assignment was given to play a video game instead of doing her homework. She has chosen to play a video game instead of helping me do the two things she committed to helping me do. And I wouldn't ask for her help if I didn't need it. I'm seriously considering asking the neighbor to come over and helping me do one of them. Yesterday, I saved her 3 hours at work by going to Sam's and picking up this huge order for her snack bar thing, and driving it out to her work. Not so much as a thank you.

This is what SC was referring to earlier with the straw. I commented on another thread about no matter what WS does, BS should just blow sunshine up WSs [censored]. I'm starting to get out of breath though.

I really appreciate you two looking out for me and calling me on my LBs. It really does mean a lot that I can come here and vent and get support.

Well, I stand corrected. You've done your part to allow her the time to do the homework. You can't give her the desire. I do wish I could blow something up her [censored] to get her in gear. Like I told you on my thread, I think the length and number of her A's make this a long road back for her...

((Drex)),
I don't even know that what you said rises to the level of an LB. But it kind of shuts the door on any arguement, and can be twisted around to make you look like the bad guy. That's all I meant. Drex, listen, your wife has soooo much work to do. She will either do it or not. If she doesn't, you can't make your marriage good all by yourself. Are you at a point yet where you have truly internalized that concept... and KNOW that YOU will be okay either way... because you ARE doing the work?

--SC

SC,

I feel like I don't know what point I'm at right now. I am financially dependant on her right now, though I'm trying to fix that, because I have followed her around her entire career. I know that if I wanted to leave, there are people who would take me in until I could get myself set up. And I know that a judge in SC would slap her around in divorce court. SC is a state that favors fathers as primary custodians in cases like this. And because we've lived here a year, legally, she has to file here.

Having said all of that, I haven't done anything to instigate any D proceedings. I've just protected myself and our kids. I love my wife with every fiber of my being. Sometimes, she makes me so angry that I feel like those fibers are being ripped apart.

I just called her to ask her (for the third time in 3 days) if I needed to pay for this thing at her work tomorrow with cash or if I could write a check. Obviously, it wasn't important enough for her to find out because 3 days after I asked the first time she still doesn't have the answer. I explained that I was doing my errands today and wasn't planning any for tomorrow except to go out there to be with her. I dare not say anything to her about "sense of urgency".

Already, I have to pull the kids out of school to take them to this thing. I don't agree with pulling them out of school for this, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm tempted to not even go. I'm seriously not comfortable taking the kids to this thing cause theres going to be drinking and stuff.

I'm sorry to be so down. Today isn't turning out to be so good.

Those of you who do, pray for us, will you please?

Drex...I've been praying for you and your wife today and I know others are too...

Thanks everyone. I did feel the prayers. I really appreciate your support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />