Today really showed me leaving here is the best thing for me... I wish I could leave tomorrow..

I went to get my paycheck and go to U-Haul for some packing materials. Of course who do I see not once but twice....... On the way to get my check and then after I leave the U-Haul place..... Can't help but see him when the truck is on the same street as you......

These accidental sightings are just to much... Makes my heart hurt even worse..... I knew with him working back in town this would happen.... When he was on the road at least I felt comfortable going out and about.....

Anyhow back to packing...... Got the stuff to pack my good china.....

((( Hurting )))

No great words of wisdom to impart.

But I do have a hearfelt hope and a prayer that while your packing you will come across memories that will give you comfort.

Stay Strong!

WTF,

Thank you for the prayers. I have c ome across some wonderful memories but they tug at my heart. It just gets me wondering how someone can forget all of the years and memories we made.

MY DS was suppose to come this weekend but he changed his mind as he has a date..... The boy is going to be 16 next month so I guess dating is something he is ready to try. I feel he is to young but thats my own thinking I guess.

So another weekend promise gone..... Some mothers day this will be.....

Hurting

hurting, I don't think they forget the memories, instead I believe they camoflogue them with negative thoughts and memories. As Dr. Harley states, if they started remembering all the good things and discussing them, it would cause the LB to fill up. They have built this emotional defense system that won't allow that.


I remember being that age too and all I thought about were my frieds and girls. Please don't take it personally. We know you are great mom for fighting for your family. That's what mom's are supposed to do.

Just thought I would lump a few days of updates together.... Nothing major happening actually..... Some are just journeling thoughts and some a few things that have happened...

5/12/06
Went to MIL'S for dinner. My SIL was there and told me not to panic if I came home form work tonight and saw WH'S truck parked in front of the house. I said why would he do that, she said because he is coming after work tomorrow to get the rest of the rocks. So of course I will be here when he arrives. Seeing how I work all night I'll probably be sleeping.

Anyhow after we ate WH calls his mom and says he is bringing the truck the her house. She said how come he just said he feels safer with it there.... does he think i am gonna do?????

So she asked him was DS coming for the weekend. He says no DS has a date..... She said well its Mothers Day weekend and he isn't coming. WH had nothing to say about that...... So anyhow another promise of coming and then something more important comes up..... I am so hurt he changed his mind. My MIL says WH acts so strange on the phone, he is so distant and cold....... Anyway I left and came home so I would not run into him. Plus if he is dropping the truck off that means the Ho has to be following him so he can get back to the HO"S nest....

5/13/06
Today WH didn't show up to get his rocks but his sister came and did some work. She drove his truck down here and now its parked in front of my house....

I went to work and as I turned to come up the street when I came in tonight I saw the truck parked like it had been for years, made my heart jump. I have been praying so hard to se ethat truck parked out there again with him back here where he belongs.

I got out of the car and then the realization he isn't here hits me. I wish that truck had not been parked here...... See this is why I gotta get away to many damn triggers..... I can;t handle them and be able to move ahead......

5/14/06
Thanks for being here and saying such kind words. It is so hard its gut wrenching no other way to explain it. I really didn't expect it to stil be this bad after so many months. Most of the time i am ok but today just seeing his truck and having it parked in front of the house after so many months brought all of it back.

I came in this morning from my other job at 4 am. As I opened the door to the house and walked to my bedroom and turned on the light I just imagined WH being there waiting for me to get home. of course all I have is an empty bed with him gone and sleeping with someone else. I walk into DS'S room and its silence and emptyness is over whelming.

I am really beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to get over this betrayal and loss..... I put so much of myself into my family and husband , I don't no if i can be just me again. Some days I feel I am me but other days the feelings of half of me being gone is to much to bear.

I pray leaving this house and moving far away will give me what I need to move ahead. I miss being a wife and having all my children around. I don't know how to act single or be single. I still talk and act like a married person with their spouse waiting at home for them.... How do you move past something you have done over half of your life, I know nothing else except how to be a mom and wife.

Maybe its just because its another holiday without my family intact thats got me down......

5/14/06

I went to work at 10 am and got off at 7 pm... I recievied a clla from ODS and th grandbabies for Mothers day and one from my MIl...... DD gave me a hug when I got home.

I got home and WH'S truck was gone from in front of the house. He didn't get his rocks because he and DS came late in the afternoon to his moms. He had DS move the truck down to his moms house. its still there. So I still have ot see the darn thing but not as bad as it was sitting here.

DS did leave me a mOthers Day card with my MIL for me.... He said I love you mom in it and drew a heart...... I would have loved a phone call though just ot hear his voice. But at least he got me a card.

The lady who lives across the street from my MIL spoke to WH. She is a very religous lady and I have s poken to her and prayed with her many times. She said she spoke to WH about his relationship with the Lord and how he needs to seek God out. He of course tried to justify things to her with it being all my fault and how I didn't go bowling with him and other such stupid stuff. She said she told him WH those things are not a reason to leave your home and wife of many years. As the leader of your family you should have turned to God and not another woman.

He said BS will never change. She told him how do you know thta? He said because she hasn't yet, she said how do you know that, have you tried to be with her and work it out? He said I kknw she hasn't , again she said how do you know?

She said he just hung his head and said nothing..... He told her he was happy now, she said and do you think this supposed happiness you have is going to get you in heaven? He said I am going to heaven, she said no WH your not unless you repent and do the things God asks you to.... Again she told him find God..... She said he may say he is happy but its in his face and the way he speaks he is not happy ......

I thanked her for talking to him and trying to get him on the right path...... Maybe some of what she said will sink in who knows.....

She said BS I just have this feeling things will turn around, we just have to keep praying and God will show him what he needs to see when the time is right, trust in that ....

I am trying to trust in that......

Hurting

Wow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

((Hurting))

I totally get the truck in the driveway trigger. I hope you aren't feeling too bad about feeling bad. I start to kick myself wondering why this still hurts so bad, but then I remember this is my husband and I love him - of course it hurts.

I have to admit, I did snicker a bit about your WH. I can see him at the Pearly Gates explaining his transgressions. "But, but, but, St. Peter, you don't understand, she wouldn't go boooowling with me" Boo hoo.

Jean,

You always find a way to make me smile....I can picture that in my mind ....

I hope some of what my neighbor lady said to him will penetrate the fog but I am sure not counting on it. He is still so deep in it.

Sonething else was really odd, when I went to buy my MIL a plant for mothers day I had picked out a basket with mini panseys in it that were purple. A very pretty plant andhow as I was walking aroumd I found a calla lily that I liked better so I put the other back. When I took the plant to her last night after work, I noticed on the table the basket of pansys in the same color as I had first picked out. I told her i almost got the same plant for you , who got you those? She looked at me and said WH did.... I am so glad I didn't get them now goes to show you how much we still have in common. The almost same gift very errie....

Hurting

Hurting,

For what it's worth, I can tell you that being in the same town, and constantly running across the infidels, does set back your personal recovery. I still get hurt -- more than three years since D-Day and post-divorce.

I basically had to withdraw from public life to avoid triggers. I resisted at first, not being willing to take one step away from "my" life. The cruelties and encroachments were amazing. Watching my friends betray me was wounding and unforgettable. That's the point when I decided to become a hermit until D graduated from high school and I could move. I've felt much better since that decision.

I look forward to relocation. It will be bliss.

Moving out of state will be very healing.

A.M.

I agree moving from here and not dealing with seeing this and hearing about it on a daily basis will be the best thing.

it will help me heal from this pain. And your right every accidental contact or just like seeing his truck does set me back in time..... I am looking forward to leaving here and the emotional rollercoaster these things put me on....

I only have to hold out a couple more months and I can go.... I am anxious to be with my family and feel the love that is real. it will be so wonderful......

Hurting

Hi Hurting-
Glad you are doing well and had a nice Mother's day.

Nothing much to report around here-
WH went out of town about three weeks ago, as his Dad was
again in the hospital and critically ill. FIL did improve
and Wh came home last week.
Since then, something with WH seems to be "different".
Whereas he had been calling me almost daily, asked me to
go to dinner periodically, stopped by our house for his
mail and to see the dog, and still asked me to go to his
IC and Dr appointments, I am now hearing nothing from him
at all, and he went to his Dr and IC appointments last week
by himself.
Not that I can do anything about it, but it really has
me curious about what happened or changed- whether it be
that he's just busy getting ready to be out of the office
at his job while he does his community service for 45 days,
if things have gotten more serious with OW now, if he's
just really "gone" from our life and world now, or what ???

One curious thing is that I continue to get fairly frequent
"Private Caller" calls on my home phone. I have suspected
these have been OW, checking up to see if I am out at same
time WH is gone from home, or to try to get info or gloat
again, but now that I am in no contact with WH, I almost
have wondered if WH might even have gotten involved with yet
another person.

I think your neighbor taking WH to "task" over his behavior
and lifestyle is GREAT ! Even if he didn't act like it had
an effect on him, I bet it did and will continue to "eat"
at him.

I can totally understand your desire to leave the area, get
back to family and friends, and not have to see or deal with
WH and the OW. Even though I'm in a fairly large town and
WH lives on the other side, I do feel uncomfortable at the
thought of seeing him and OW out and going to places we used
to go makes me feel bad.
This is my hometown though, so I have tons of friends and
some family here, so don't know where I'd go- will have to
keep that as an open possibility though.

Thinking of you,
Slammed

Slammed,

Thanks for checking in. Things here are still the same. I am packing and hating every minute of it. I just can't get excited about it.

I am looking forward to being with my family but I know its gonna kill me to leave here and all I know. I know not being here will help me heal as I won't have to see or hear about WH and his life with "her".

I have decided that when I leave I will not see him or say goodbye. I am just going to pack and leave. No goodbyes, no letters nothing. This will be the best for me because I know saying goodbye will be the hardest thing I would ever have to do and I know I would not be able to handle it.

maybe someday when the pain eases I can tell him what I had been feeling during all of this... Maybe one day when the loves fades to just caring for him like a friend of the past I can talk to him without falling apart. Maybe someday I will be whole again........ maybe someday........


Hurting

Just one question WHY????????



Hurting

((((Hurting)))))

Can you take a day of from packing and do something relaxing? Maybe take MIL to the mall, or go sit in the woods. I wish I could take you out for an afternoon in a convertible with the top down.

If your best friend were going through this, what would you tell her? You have had one helluva year, please be nice to your soul.

Jean,

I would love to take the day off from packing but it must be done. I am so far behind as it is now with working so many hours. This week alone I will have logged almost 80 hours by satuday night with both jobs.

Good question what would i tell my best friend if it was she going through this. To be honest I don't know what I would say. I would hope I would say the right things. Take care of yourself and let God handle the rest.

I keep telling myself let God deal with this and I am trying but I feel so out of control. I dont like feeling out of control and I don;t mean controling my H, I mean controlling myself. I can't stop the wondering and the what if's. I am not comfortable not having things in order and knowing where my life is going. This is one of my worst traits, I like things to be planned out and know from day to day where i am and what I am doing.

I feel like a fish out of water just floundering on the beach looking for a way back into the water... The future is so unsure and its damn scary. Will I be able to make it on my own, can I make enough money to live on. I have no skills to make a good living. All I know is being a wife and mother.

My faith is waviering so much right now. I can't even pray much right now, I feel like God is not listening... So many thoughts and scary feelings I can't get past. So much anger raging in me with no place to let it go....

And I guess the scariest feeling of all is I want to hate my H so the pain will go away. For some reason though I can't hate him , after all he has said and done why do I still even care anything about him? If anyone else had talked to me or treated me like he has I would want nothing to do with them.....

This whole thing just sucks , I want it to stop....

Hurting

Thanks Hurting-
I was just thinking as I drove to work this morning that
it probably won't be long until I have to be moving out
of our house too. If we do reconcile, we'd be selling it
and living in the other house, where WH lives now, and if
we don't I can't afford it so would have to get a smaller
house or townhouse for just me and the dog.
I can imagine how tough it must be to have to pack and do
all the work to get ready, and as always I admire your
strength and courage.

Nothing new here- I'm working as hard as I can to get my
sales up since I'm in a precarious position with my job
but I don't feel to hopeful. I am trying to get some ideas
and leads on other things I could do with my current skills
and am also checking to see what classes or training I could
do that wouldn't be too lengthy or expensive.

I don't hear from WH anymore, but assume things are still
the same with OW staying with him. I've wondered if part of
that plan was her being there was so she could drive him to
and from his community service since he's lost his license.

I have had a couple more of the "Private Caller" calls on
our phone, but still don't know that it's OW, just have
suspected it.

I definitely understand asking "WHY". Don't have any answer
either, but I'll be wanting to know and understand all this
for as long as I live.
(((HUGS))))
Slammed

Hurting,

I don't know what to say. I can't imagine the pain and uncertainty you are going through as you pack up to move. Just know I am praying God will comfort you and guide you through, and I know it's hard to pray at times like this, so I hope many that read this will take the time to pray daily for you too.

These are times when the Lord will carry you, even though you don't know where you are going, and you don't know what the future holds. Your just having to do all of this by faith, it's a big step! God will see you through, and He will heal your broken heart and life.


<<:::Huggs:::>>

Lady

Lady,

I know he will carry me through , its just so hard to beieve it sometimes......


Hurting

H,

Sending hugz from the middle of the big blue.

Warm Aloha,
L.

Hi hurting,
I was thinking of ya! I hope packing is going ok. Try to do it in limited time. Set a timer for 20 minutes and pack like crazy for 20 min. decide to toss or keep...is it worth moving? Try not to get caught up in old memories. You have a exciting future ahead with new memories to make. Take the good memories with you leave the hurtful ones behind.

I changed my screen name. When are you changing yours?