That nonsense about you involving an "innocent man" is babble and I'm sure you recognized it as such. No man who has a relationship with a married woman is innocent.

How's your Plan B operational plan coming?

So this morning I talked to my wife again, she is acting like the classis fence sitter, cake eater, waywars spouse. I don't know if it gives me hope or what but since reading all the post from MB about how spouses oscilate and how they revise history and how they try and justify their actions by pointing to us as the reason for all their pain and hurt.

I think I did a fairly good job about babbling back at her, I remained very calm and I kept the conversation positive as she tried to keep it negative.

I have to believe if she truely wanted it over and truly didn't care she would be making such an effort to convince me and herself that what she is doing is right.

She continues to say that there was never in our 11 year marriage any us or any connection or anything worth trying to keep going.... I pointed out that there were several oasis in our marriage that we could hold onto as a foundation. I also told her that there was a lot of positive times, there were a lot of neutral times and then there were the negative time. All in all I would say 30% or our marriage was positive, 30$ was neutral and 40% was negative. So 60% of our 11 years wasn't bad. And the negative was so much because neither of us were able to identify and work on the issue we just put our head in the sand and moved on, never resolving anything.

Well that is stopping now with me, if I have a problem with how she is treating me I let her know how it makes me feel. Funny thing is everytime I do that, she tells me how I am making her feel and I think we are actually understanding each other when we do that... to sad that it took the break up of our marriage to realize that.

Fence sitting and cake eating is a favorite tactic of wayward spouses when you're doing Plan A, Viking, as is rewriting history to suit their new alien view of the world. It goes away, but not until they've completed withdrawal.

How're things going this morning?

Wow what does a day make.....

So yesterday morning I was fighting the babble for the letter being delivered and all the revision.

Yesterday afternoon, my father who is a truck driver came through town and took my daughters and myself out to dinner. My wife stopped by and said hi and was very pleasent and smiled.

Had a great time with dad and then went home with the kids...

When my wife got home I had dinner fixed... this was about 8:20 - we started talking about changing the kids school. I didn't talk about us or anything about our relationship but we talked about the benefits of moving the kids and SHE was talking like it would be us doing this and us doing that and it was very pleasant and we talked really well together.... So I left at 10pm last night after talking to her and didn't have LB once and she wasn't negative or anything

We have MC today and I am going to see how that goes

Curious. Viking, enjoy her new attitude while it lasts, but I think you have to be suspicious. She didn't become an alien overnight, and a sudden turnaround back to a reasoning human being has to be viewed with more than a grain of salt. I’d love for this to be the result of an epiphany, but if it was, it should be accompanied by a lot more emotion and a rehashing of things she thought, felt, etc.

What are the chances she's checking into hiring her own attorney and doesn't want you to know just yet? That would be something an alien would do. Be careful, okay?

Oh I am not getting my hopes up, I am still being very cautious.

So I am confident that contact with the OM has not occured in at least a week, I am also confident that the letter to the OM will have the desired effects.

I have talked about this scenario with my lawyer, and I feel well protected by my actions, if I follow through with what I have already promised her - if she decides to file for separation that I will be well served.

Legally I am not in jeopardy of any restraining order's or legal attacks against me.

I think the biggest thing is the change in my attitude. I tell her I am focused on our marriage and the family, I am not LB, I am not R talking. I am being there for the family. I am showing her not telling her that I want to be a friend and husband.

I know that oscilation is possible and will probably occur but if I am steady in my actions and don't follow her back into the fog, I beleive then she will start staying on this side of the fence.

So my wife has a gymnastics show this Friday Saturday and Sunday... So I am taking the girls to our local horse show Saturday and Sunday - big bonus for me as I am helping my girls and showing my W that I am wanting to deeply dive into their activities. But I also asked her if Friday night I could bring the girls by her gymnastics show and watch her class perform... She said sure... this is meeting a huge EN for her.

A few years ago she was doing cheerleading coaching and I would come home from work and watch the girls while she was at games or practice, but I never went to a game to show her support for her coaching - thought I was being supportive by being their for the girls and allowing her time to follow her coaching dream.....

So now I am going to be there to show her support as a gymnastics coach. I have always thought she was a great person and did great things but my showing her was always by taking care of the girls or doing other normal daddy duties not focusing on showing her I cared for her and her self worth.

Good enough. If you're covering yourself, you are free to continue what I think is a very good Plan A. Your Plan B is likely to be super effective.

So we went to marriage counciling this afternoon and she was mixed but more to the positive. She still gets irriated with what and how I say things but she was more responsive to the C's questions about what she would like to see from me.

The MC asked her if hypothetically she would go away with me for a long weekend without the kids and she said she would and that is something I can look forward too.

Besides that we the MC brought up languages of love and she asked me what I thought my W language was and I said is that I have always to offer service language doing things and providing things, but I then said now after listening to my W I would think its quality time and closeness and conversation. The MC gave me thumbs up on that because a lot of H don't ever see where they communicated one way but then realized that their W's were listening another

Next she asked my wife what language she thought I needed to hear and she said she didn't know and didn't think she could answer.... still says she or i don't know each other and their is no foundation for our marriage and the MC said that does sound to be true but you have an opportunity to build one now and I would agree.

Mixed signals indeed, but you can't expect her to turn around completely in one day. Baby steps, right?

Regarding the long weekend...have you seen that part in SAA where Dr. Harley recommends an extended trip away somewhere the couple can concentrate on each other? Could be you and the MC are on the same page.

Yeah it was interesting I was wondering if my MC was even pro-marriage... but I see that she was waiting for my wife to show signs - just like me.

I am not sure what the timeline is for this magical trip is it something in the next month or is it something in the next 3 months.... I know my W wouldn't do it for a while, still pretty chilly but warming...

I am into baby steps

Just a thought. MB sponsors weekend retreats every so often. Information on those events is available from links at the top of this page. Might your wife agree to go to one of these?

she could... I am trying to keep our expense down so I am going to see what I can do...

I just went out and bought tickets for her and I to a concert in june that she would probably really like and I am going to get tickets this weekend for a concert in August that she would really really like and see about taking her to those.

Also I am going to be more avaiable to her, in the past I would her time around work. I am not committed to balance work around her and the family needs.

Stay with it, pardner. You're doing great. I think patience is the key now. Things need time to percolate in her mind.

Any word on OM’s reaction to the letter from your attorney, btw? It’s curious your wife was pissed off for one day and then let it pass. I would stay vigilant. She can’t be allowed further contact with the OM if withdrawal is to start. (Are you watching her odometer to see if she’s still taking a side trip on her way…how did she put it…to and from the school?)

Yeah I need ot stay focused... I am getting warn down by being available for her all the time and doing things for the her and the girls then having to drive an hour back to where I am staying.

She found the second phone in her car, but has it brought it up to me.

She's very distant and I know I nee dto be patient but its hard not knowing what is going on.

I just know how to break her of the fence sitting, if he has everything just doesn't have me what motivation does she have

How do I explain my feelings to some one that says they don't want you part of their world.

Viking, there are never any guarantees in this life, but you are doing the things that have the best chance of success. It’s not fun extending yourself in this fashion and it can’t be drawn out indefinitely. Frankly, it seems to me you're getting near the natural end of your Plan A and should start getting ready for Plan B. I don’t recall how long you consider yourself to have been in Plan A, but I get the impression it’s been a lengthy period. There is a point of diminishing returns, and I see you getting close to that point. You may not be quite there yet, but it’s coming.

Dr. Harley has said Plan A brings a wayward spouse back to the family only about 15% of the time. The other 85% of the cases require a Plan B. I think your Plan A has set up a great Plan B. Implementation of Plan B will most definitely break the fence sitting and force your wayward wife to make some hard decisions. In short, I think it's time to start detailed planning for Plan B.

Its been a long weekend I have been running ragged with the girls at our counties 4H horse show. Its been great - the girls have done an awesome job - I think part of that is the change in my behavior towards them and how I treat and talk to them..... My W has had gymnanstics all weekend so she only spent a few hours today (sunday) at the horse show...

I talked to one of her friends that is in her 4H circle - who is a BS and who has had a rough time of it, and she didn't even know we were seperated for the past 2 months.... why would my W leave that important detail out.... She was okay to me today at the horse thing we chatted a bit - she even made some comment about how she could save her payroll money so we could buy a horse trailer... now if she was planning on living apart and separate how could she even think she could afford that...

Even her closes friends don't know any detail around why we separated and they all have said that no matter what I have done I provide very well to her and my family...

So what the ****** is she thinking? How do I break throug?

I bought some tickets for the June 6th to one of her favorite singer's and I told her about it and that I would like to take her, she said she really wouldn't like to go with me. i said what if they were a gift, oh then she would take one of her girlfriends...... I just don't know

As you have read I am out of the house and it would take court action and probable custody hearing for me to get into the house and keep my daughter's.... I talked to my oldest last night and she verified for me that her mom only provides basic stuff to them, dinner was mostly microwave dinners, laundry was what is need for tomorrow, house work was non-existance. We have a big house I am her 3 hours a day for 4 days a week and the house is actually clean and laundry is getting done plus I work 50 hours a week?????

Am I missing something her?

Everyday that Iam here I have to leave my house and children and drive about an hour to where I am staying so I leave at 9pm I get home at 10pm, guess what I have my own laundry and chores to do there, not much but its still a drain.... then I get up at 5:30 so I can get to the gym and get to work early so I can leave early to be with the girls so she can go to her gymnastics.......

I am builing up resentment and anger and feelings that I just don't want to have.... my LB is dropping and I don't know how to stop it.

My only course of action is to take action?

How can I explain to her that she needs to take me back or get out of the house?

I am so tired.... I just want my family

The short answer is simply that you can't give her that ultimatum. BTW, she's not "taking you back," she's coming back to you. Look, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. What you can do is set your boundary for how you want to live your life and let her do what she will. Viking, if she doesn't have to make any choices, she won't make any. She's in the process of living a single life except she has a man around to do almost everything in her life for her.

Tell her you're moving home and that you're going to take the legal steps to do it, if that's what it takes. If she wants to leave, she can, but the kids stay. It has the same effect, but it's done from a different plane.

So I talked to her this morning and I was direct but I tried not to LB. She was going to go over to our daughter's 4H leaders house who is her horse trainer as well, I told her that she needs to tell her after this session our daughter wont be able to take lesson's for a while. I then told her that I was needing to cancel the pool membership, which then offered to pay for.

I then mentioned how I don't think we can start our daughters off in private schooling this year, because we don't have the downpayment for tuition. We use my Sept bonus to pay for school.... So I don't know what we will do I said to her that we might have to put them in public school for a month... she didn't like that.

I asked her if she would be willing to stay at her mother's with full access to the house and kids (I would leave if she wanted to come over) so that we didn't have the cost of two households.... she flatly said NO.

I know your right LH, she is living the good life..... What really started me off today was that she knows for the summer that she will only be working less than 12 hours a week for her job... that she plans on going to the pool everyday with the girls this summer and that is why I can't cancel the pool.

So I am living on a meer 600 a month - so she is getting 8000 from me now, because I am paying everything.

I need to get the legal system involved to move home and keep the kids with me at the house, but that is what I am preparing to do.

So I went out to my house today (I am living apart from my family) and my W re-confirmed that she wanted a divorce and that she pretty much hated me. So I pretty much laid it out for her that I have retained a lawyer and that I would be seeking custody and the house. I also explained that my lawyer says I have a pretty good chance of getting it.

This through my W into a tizzy and she said said how much she hated me and how I never ever respected her or felt anything towards her and how evil I am.... she said all this in front of our 8 and 11 year old -and she said it in graphic detail... but I can't blame her I was LB pretty bad myself.....

So she ask me to leave and I do - could have had the sheriff come out and ask me

So 20 minutes later she calls me and goes through the whole thing again how I am evil and sick in the head and how I am trying to manipulate everyone and I am talking about her behind her back - which is true that I was telling people we separated - so I was exposing our separation a fact that she did not let to many people know about.

So after letting me have it again and I trying not to LB and turn the babble back around. She made a bold statement that I don't know how to react too....

She basically said that she doesn't want to draw the kids into a battle or take thinga away from them because of separation and divorce so she offered to me that I could move back into house into the apartment and we would live together for the girls and would be civil for the girls but would not have relationships or SF or any personal contact.... now this sounds like a dream offer,

She eluded to the fact that I could date... which I flatly refused. I said if we are going to do this we aren't going to date or do anything else unmoral, especially if we are doing it for the girls and we are going to bring them up morally.

So what do you think?

What should I do?
What should I do next?

Move back ASAP. Say you will play it by hear.

Your game plan. You need to stay at your house long enough such that WW cannot kick you out legally again. Moving back is like a dream come true, from a legal standpoint. Suck up your pride and position yourself the best way you can legally by going back home. You should move back NOW before she changes her mind.

Second, you will be able to Plan A her better while in the house. Thus, this is a great opportunity to show your wife what a M with you could be like.

Don't worry about her fog speaks for now. Just get back home.

Your wife got scared by what you said. Don't back down on those words, and press your advantage while you can.