The compromise is not off?

LH, of course I agree that a married person cannot date outside the M. The issue is when should VK rock the boat. I say after he is in the home.

However, I see that VK may be too appeasing to his WW. VK, you do not give up your intel just because your WW asks you to in the name of “being open” and “honest”. I agree with LH, you need to be stronger than that.

If your WW reneges on her offer to let you back home, you need to tell your lawyer to do what he has to do and get you back in there. If she plays hardball, so should you. I hope you are ready for that. Come to think of it, your WW may just want you back there so she can appease you from pulling out the weapons you may have against her legally. In other words, she may just be manipulating you. I don’t know. But I would be very alert as to what she does in the next few days.

Lastly, WW is mad at you because you have interfered with a potential A on her part. Next time, please don’t bend whenever WW says so.

I know what you are all saying and I just feel that I have brought so much of this on myself - I know the past is the past but that is what she is hurting from.

We talked a bit last night not alot...

We have the long weekend coming up and I am going to give her and the girls some time and space just to relaxe and have fun. When I am around its always tense.

Next week I will decide what I will do and stick with it or at least hand it over to my lawyer.

Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to sabotage myself...

Viking, don't give up just when you've done such a good Plan A to set up a Plan B. This is right where you should be. You have to go into Plan B (which will coincide with legal action to get back in the house and probably a legal separation) BEFORE you lose all love for her and energy to keep the fight going. I think you're right on time with this. Don't stop now. The girls deserve a full-time father and mother and MB is the best chance you have of giving them that.

I think your right unfortunately.... I love my wife soo much and I wish she was hearing me but the pain is deep....

Guy #2 agreed with me that my wife is lost and fragile right looking for someone or something to take the pain away and not have to deal with us....

I am sitting here thinking how I can afford life and keep things going, how can she just sit back and do nothing.

I know it would be years to recover I am just asking for a chance to show her that I love here.

VK,

If I, LH, or others seem harsh at times it is only because we are trying to keep you on the right path. LH is right. Don’t give up. A BS does not do everything perfectly. It is not a linear path. You just have to be on the right road. And you are.

We, especially LH, have your back.

God bless.

P.s. You are not in recovery yet, so keep this in mind.

I know I am not and I know I have to get into a plan B.... I can't see how else I can deal with this.

Viking, I don't see anything else either. Your wife loves thinking single and being independent...having no responsibilities. At the same time, she's demanding you meet her ENs for financial security and order in her life. It's called cake eating and it appears your WW has become very comfortable in that pattern.

I believe there is a chance her entire mindset will be turned upside down when you go into a really dark Plan B and she has to start fending for herself. Plan B is about you too. When the pain and exhaustion become too much, you must take refuge in separation or your love will surely die.

So what are the steps I need to do

Plan B letter
Execution of lights out
Legal actions

That’s a good outline to start with. Here's a thread started by the redoubtable Pepperband about preparing for Plan B. I think it can be useful to you. Also, re-read SAA about Plans B, okay?

Getting Ready For Plan B

Hang in there, Viking. Your energy level is very low. Take this weekend, as well as the next few days before the weekend comes around, to get some rest and recharge your batteries, okay?

I am not sure what is going on with my wife and I am not sure how well plan A is working....

I know that she is mad that I exposed to guy#2 but he is completely understanding and wasn't aware of the emotions my wife was putting on there friendship.

My biggest concern is finances if I don't get rid of the 2 household cost its going to ruin my families finances. She also has done nothing to look for another job and help with her finances....

I had to tell my oldest that we had to take her out of her riding lesson's and it was my decision and nothing to do with her mother... then her mom comes along and whispers in my daughters ear and says she will pay for it.. but doesn't tell me. I get that out of my daughter the next day.

I don't know what she is thinking... I keep wondering if she is playing a game with me. I mean I keep screwing up her indepences by confronting and exposing but at the same time she needs or wants me for the EN I fill.

So do I go into a full Plan B or do I present her an option to fix our finances by me moving back home and then continue with plan A.... or go to plan B and not take any compromise from her because its full of conditions of her being independent and free act single.

Here is my draft


Dearest Wife

I write this letter with a heavy heart, my soul and spirits are at their lowest points ever. Over the past year I have tried to be a better husband and fix the problems from the past. I provided you with all the material items you wanted but I didn’t provide you with a strong husband and friend. Though I have seen my error and truly want to fix it, you have lost your love for me.

I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow you to fall out of love with me. I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you. The hand holding, the hugs and the snuggling to name a few.I also could not see through my own confusion on why I was so isolated and distant. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my family, especially for my precious wife, is and will be my main focus. You will always come first.

I now realize that we are both scared of what will happen next, that is why you insist on time and space and I cower and back down when I try to stand for the needs of the family.

I don’t fear anymore your threats of moving on, going to another man, never coming back. As I have already lost you. I know about what you talk about I know what you have said….. I need to think about me and the girls. You can think of yourself and what direction your life must take.

As for me, I am focusing being there for our marriage and on raising our girls the best way I know how.

As a team, as a marriage, as a partnership I am willing to give it all up for the family and you. I buried ourselves in debt and tortured ourselves with things that just don’t matter. I now understand that love doesn’t need all this to exist. Love only requires each other’s honesty and respect.

Since August, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better husband to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together, but past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to ask you to spend your life with me and thought of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings are slowly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.

wife, as you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you continue to live a single life.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue be the primary care provider for our children. I know how you feel about this and if need be I will take any action necessary to be there for the girls and take care of their needs. We do not need our financial situation to denigrate any more than it already has. I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer any further and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the children, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice. I will continue meeting our marriage councilor and will focus on finding out your needs. If you have any emergency matters, you can always call me or email me at any time.

I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of our current situation.

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to start work on our marriage and are willing to construct a plan to build a foundation for our marriage. Until that time I will continue to pray for our family and us.

In my mind I will keep the vision of seeing you walk through the door and say "hello my love" and of a happy and loving family that our needs are being met and a relationship that no others could come between. I know it can happen! What anyone other that you think about us is of no importance to me or my feelings for you. I have loved you as many different men; as a boyfriend, as husband, as a father, as a business partner, as a confidant, as a cheerleader, as a friend, as a mentor, as a student to list a few. I still love you today

I was in the process of drafting a longish response to your earlier post this morning but you've made some decisions I didn't see at first. I was going to ask if you had any energy left to do anymore Plan A, but your words in this letter give me the answer. I think it's clear you do not. A thought: if you think it worth the effort and expense, consider getting an opinion from Steve Harley on that subject.

The letter is beautiful, but I think it’s too long. Here’s the sample letter from SAA. Notice how it avoids any specifics in the apology for the writer’s acceptance of responsibility for past mistakes in the marriage. I don’t think you can get involved in going through those--this isn’t a discussion, it’s a notification. Also, have you outlined your boundaries for your wife? What are they? An agreement to not attempt to see other men...NC with the two OM's already identified...commitment to making the marriage work...what else?

Here's the letter:


I’m going to shut up and give you a chance to decide whether to contact Steve Harley or not.

I looked at pepperhands thread on this
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

and I chose to base my letter on one of those examples, I know its a little long and will look at shrinking it.

Thanks

I have energy to do Plan A more but I can't because of family finances if I continue this outside of the house we are going to be ruined.....

Now that is a question I have can I focus just on the getting into the house and keep the plan a up? I mean can I force the issue about moving back in but not cut off contact?

You most certainly can. If you feel you have that energy, continuing Plan A all the way up to the six months (or whatever your time limit is) is a good thing. Just getting back into the home is what a number of us have been recommending all along, remember?

Now, understand your wife may react to you forcing the issue with some actions of her own. I believe you should start considering what those might be and how you will deal with them.

Plan B is for when your energy fades, when your love for your wife begins to die. I thought you were at that point, but now I’m thinking you were passing through a low point. Right? Your emphatic statement that you have energy is encouraging. You tell us when you can’t do Plan A anymore, okay?

I have never lost love for my wife and I don't think I ever will. Its the resentment and the frustration of her inaction either way that is bogging me down. I am a decisive person if I thougth I needed to breakaway from here it would take me about two days to decide that after deliberation. We are going on 2 months and she is at status quo - no change in her action or attitude, she says divorce but her actions say fencing sitting and cake eating..

I have been in contact with a friend of her's that has recentlyt gone through this with her husband (back in august) ironically enough this person's strength and actions is what sparked my wifes action back in august and has continue until now. She has feels that my wife is like her FWH and that strong action is the only thing that will break her free from the fence or the cake.

She told me that the only way she got her husband back is to move out take the kids and force him to participate in their daughters life... they are on the slow road to recovery.

I wish my wife would talk to her or someone to get a fair and balanced approach to what could go on.

So do I revise my plan b letter to be just this...

I write this letter with a heavy heart, my soul and spirits are at their lowest points ever. Over the past year I have tried to be a better husband and fix the problems from the past. I provided you with all the material items you wanted but I didn’t provide you with a strong husband and friend. Though I have seen my error and truly want to fix it, you have lost your love for me. I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my family, especially for my precious wife, is and will be my main focus. You will always come first

Here is what I need to do, our financial problems - I need to move back into the house, if that is too difficult for you. I would suggest maybe you saying with your parents while I stay in our home and continue be the primary care provider for our children. I know how you feel about me moving back home, I will take any action necessary to be there for the girls and take care of their needs, including my legal options. If you decide to stay in the house with the girls and I, we will have both have to set the example for the girls. That means honesty, truth, civility and no dating outside of our marriage.

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to start work on our marriage and are willing to construct a plan to build a foundation for our marriage. Until that time I will continue to pray for our family and us.

made slight modification.... I added that I would need to move in by June 1st.... here is the reviced Plan A/B letter

I write this letter with a heavy heart, my soul and spirits are at their lowest points ever. Over the past year I have tried to be a better husband and fix the problems from the past. I provided you with all the material items you wanted but I didn’t provide you with a strong husband and friend. Though I have seen my error and truly want to fix it, you have lost your love for me. I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my family, especially for my precious wife, is and will be my main focus. You will always come first

Here is what I need to do in order to rectify our current financial problems: I need to move back into the house, by June 1st to avoid further financial problems. If that is too difficult for you, I would suggest you staying with your parents while I stay in our home and continue to be the primary care provider for our children. I know how you feel about me moving back home, I will take any action necessary to be there for the girls and take care of their needs, including my legal options. If you decide to stay in the house with the girls and I, we will have both have to set the example for the girls. That means honesty, truth, civility and no dating outside of our marriage.

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to start work on our marriage and are willing to construct a plan to build a foundation for our marriage. Until that time I will continue to pray for our family and us.