Oh I wasn't saying that I am following her perscription for moving back in the house.... what I am thinking is that my wifes recent attitude would make me believe that she would be asking to move back in with boundaries in place....

LH remember I said June 15 would be my deadline before executing anything... I also have to wait for money to get the lawyer paid.... so I am not able to more that talk about what I am doing and we know that is point less.

I should have the patience to wait another week and half to see if things change with us... Again their is no active conversations with OM's and she appears to be heading out of the fog, don't want to push her back in

Okay, I see. I thought I needed to get out of the way. If not, well, patience is a virtue, according to the Good Book and I should remember that. If she's stopped trolling for new men, that's the equivalent of no contact in a standard situation. Withdrawal would be minimal because the emotional involvement was cut off before it grew too intense, and then OM quickly and decisively cut off contact completely. All good things.

Her recent offerings ("Mommy and Daddy might be getting back together," and the talk about the future) are encouraging. I'd be very cautious in your optimism though. She could just as quickly turn back into a total alien. It's happened before. Baby steps, right? I'll remember in the future.

I'm sure it won't surprise you that I agree with your MC. I've already told you that I think you could 'win the battle but lose the war' by forcing the issue.

Take that with whatever grain of salt you like though. Speaking only for myself... I'm not afraid of taking emotional risks anymore. I've only enjoyed success when I've been willing to take a leap of faith. The bottom line is that I've been knocked down before, and I survived it. Pain sucks. But you can't be afraid of it either. There's no such thing as a safe place, and none of us get out of here alive afterall... so why not climb out on the limb? If it breaks, hey... I'll get up, dust myself off, and go again! Why not? I've got faith in me, and I've got faith that God has His purpose for me. I don't need more than that.

Have you ever heard a song called, When I Get Where I'm Goin' by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton? The chorus of it says:
"Yeah...when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah...when I get where I'm going.
Don't cry for me down here.

I've heard that song dozens of times, but I'm still apt to cry when I hear the words, "I will love and have no fear". Because I realized a while back that I had gotten in the habit of loving with fear.

Like alot of folks, I was a self-preservationist in that respect. We've all been hurt before, so it's only natural I suppose. But what do we really get out of protecting our hearts? We still end up getting hurt occasionally no matter how vigilent we are, don't we? So what is it that should keep us from jumping off into the deep end and committing ourselves at 100%? And more importantly, how can we win love without emotional risk?

Anyway, it works for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Your wife needs to come up with a viable solution for this. If she doesn't, she's going to eventually force you to separate your financial future from hers. There's no way around that. At some point you'll have to file for legal separation in order to keep from incurring her debt and going into bankruptcy. She's going to lose her home at this rate, and there's not 'thing one' you'll be able to do to stop it once the bills have piled too high.

Put the ball in her court. If she doesn't want to have you move back home, she needs to come up with a solution that will keep you both solvent. The choice will be out of YOUR hands if things keep up on the path they're on. She needs to know that it's straight up reality, and "Mr. Reality don't play". (I saw that phrase on another post today. It works for ALL SORTS of occasions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

p.s. There are some pretty good threads on the other site having to do with mismatched libido. Leave me a post in the 'Marriage' section and I'll be glad to point them out to you.

So yesterday while I was at the pool with the girls the wife called me and told me that she was looking at a bed and breakfast at the coast for us - per our MC suggestion and I knows its a MB suggestion too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

W had a meeting last night so I stayed with the girls, she got home at 8:30 and I left at midnight.

So she said divorce isn't really an option for us, because of the girls and finances. I told her I only wanted a marriage and didn't think us staying together unhappily would work for either of us.

We talked about relationship things in general and what we thought a good relationship would have in it. We talked nicely to each other and I was appreciative when she told me that I had said something she didn't like or like how I said it....

So I am not jumping up and down with joy but I do have a smile

I had my first real IC today
SHe has her's tomorrow and then we both have MC after that... then I asked her to go to lunch, she said yes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Great. She's realized she has a strong EN for financial security and she understands the children deserve a full-time father. What she left unsaid was all the things you do for her but I expect she's beginning to understand how much you're doing to meet ALL of her needs. I think it would be a big milestone if she asks you to come home before your deadline.

How did the IC go today?

IC was really introduction so it was just catching him up on what I have done in my life and how I see things in the relationship.

Now - my wife has been making sure she is thanking me for the things I am doing and I am thanking her for the things she is donig and we are talking more... so I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.

Awesome!

Where are you, Viking? Don't go dark on us, pardner.

Its been almost a month since I posted......

Here is the highlevel, my FW started to come out of the fog and started to at least think about the family. She dropped the OM#1 and OM#2 and we started a slow process of recommunicating and started to talk about becoming friends again.

Last week we were planning a night out to a bed and breakfast to get away to talk and on thursday she got an email from HIM

Who is he? before our marriage she was in Air Force Tech school had a relationship with a guy, 5 months they were engaged, he went home on leave and got married. Came back wanted him to still be his girlfriend... wife left the base soon there after, then we got married.

There was an incident seven years ago with her and him but that got squashed, but now in the fragile state she is in and the emotional rollercoaster she had been through.... it went from heaven to ****** in 3 seconds. She are now back to divorce.

We are filling separation paperwork tomorrow.... here is the kicker, we are doing the separartion ourselves which is okay in NC....

She has given me everything I asked for, I keep my stock my assests I take on martial debt but I only pay CS and a stipen of alimony... I get away with murder in this deal. She is going to be hurting sooooo bad.

I even asked her mom to tell her to have a lawyer review it. I have asked her to have a lawyer review, she is so in the fog that this guy is the one and that she wants to be with him, but she wants the paperwork to show that we are separated legally before she proceeds with I don't know what.

The guy lives in New York, I asked her would she move there, she said yes and she would take the kids... so with that scenario playing in my head, I added a clause in our separation paperwork that makes it impossible for her to move the kids with out my approval.... I had my document review by a laywer today... its a lot tighter that it should be but I am not taking a chance...

lawyer said one problem is that a lot of separation agreemenets even though legal are vague so they can be called into court for interruptation, well its now pretty air tight, both parents need to approve an out of state move.

I put in language that protects almost every aspect of my assets and really leaves her with nothing.

She is willing to sign it, she is willing to go without a lawyer review to sign this contract legally binding document

I am glad your separation agreement was reviewed by a lawyer.

Let WW go and proceed to Plan B ASAP. As of now, you don't need someone like WW that can change so quick on you.

Thanks for the update.

as I told my wife I have been in a 12 year rebound relationship with her, she says she never stopped loving him and we have 3 beautiful daughter's.

She did try to call an attorney but they were in the wrong county so she told calling, how lazy is that. Your future is on the line she could have taken me for a WHOLE lot more, I was willing, but seeing her actions of late.... ha

We have to get our house sold then we will be free and clear of each other.

So I found out tonight from my 11 year old that my wife and her true love plan to spend the 4th together.

I just told my wife that I would send his wife a letter explaining their plans - if they are truly divorced and alright to date others it wont matter to the OM.

Can I still save my marriage?

We are legally separated, she is deep deep deep into the fog, she wants me to place nice.

I want my family back....

How do I proceed?

I could do plan A but I think its too late..

So my wife and I are officially legally separated - about 3 days. tomorrow she leaves for 3 days to be with her OM - True Love.

For the last 10 days they have talked 2-3 hours a day, racking up some 2700 minutes of cell usage in that time.

I have lost the numbing gut wrenching feeling that I have for the past 4 monhts. I am thinking of doing a 180 plan on her.

Our house in for sale, so I am working on getting it ready to show.

I haven't talked to her today, we still live in the same house, but I really don't want to talk to her, because I do throw myself out there and she keeps rejecting me and getting mad.

She hasn't seen this guy in 12 years, but he has such a pull on her, its not physical either that what worries me, its all emotions and she believes he is the one, but I don't think she has looked past this weekend.... he lives in NY, with 2 kids and a job. We live in NC with 3 kids and her family just moved down here....

She was in such a rush to get the paperwork done so she would feel justified or legal to go with him that she bascially lost all her access to my assets, I keep all my stock and retirement and I pay down the family debt - after we sell the house.

I make over 200K and she will see CS and 800$ a month... she doesn't work and fantasizes about all these career's she could do but she likes going to the pool and hanging out... so she is in for a rude awakening

I sent the OM STBXW a letter just clarifying what was going on and if she would like to enlighten me or my wife on OM character for the past 12 years please give us a call.

I gave her a plan b letter tonight... she says she is now going to the lake with her girlfriend instead of the beach with the OM... will have to wait and see.

I talked to our neighbor who is our old pastor and he gave it to me straight and then straight to her.

I called her mom and told her to buck up and question her daughter's actions even if we divorce she needs to act like a mother and not bring this into our kids lives right now.

right on with the mom thing i dont know y mothers want to turn a blind eye

Just had to say something so it doesn't boil inside... wife is on the way to the airport to pick up the OM so they can send the next couple of days together -reconnecting.

Its almost like watching a movie play out, I need to really stop and focus on something else..... I have 3 wonderful daughter's that I love and cherish

Hey if I find out what hotel they are staying at do I send them a card or something just to say hey caught you or do I leave it alone

So I tracked my wifes card to and from the airport, supposedly she went to the lake with a family of her best friend.... BF is at home and my wifes car is there. I am waiting to see if my wife calls our 3 kids tonight... they are missing mommy.

Now I don't know if she is there or if she is the one that left at the airport and is now in NY with OM???

So I don't know if she went to the beach... if she is in new york or what but she is not her and she is lieing to my kids... I don't care about me we are separated and I need to work on myself it just aggervates me