Ok I feel like an idiot. I have posted before and the details about my FWW A are posted.

It has been two and a half years since D Day. Without going into details my FWW has not agreed to radical honesty. I still do not know all of the details of her A. I clearly laid out all of the lovebusters she commited when I discovered the A. Some were no brainers like don't flirt with other men, especially right in front of me. But she did.

I gave her ways to deposit into the love bank. Every time I told her she told me that shouldn't be important. For instance I asked her to dress in ligerie for me, I know and realize that part of the reason I want her to dress up for me is I saw what she wore for him and it was sexy. She never does it for me.

These are just some examples but its not like I have asked her to give me her left arm.

Now after two and a half years I am making decesions that impact my future with no resolution in sight. In two weeks we are moving from our apartment and signing a lease. I am working with creditors to pay off our debts that were caused by the A. There are more things that I am doing that clearly benifit her.

Am I an idiot? If I pay off the bills and we get divorced She benefits because it is no longer a liability. If I sign the lease I am responsible for the rent. Is any one else as dumb as I am.

BTW my FWW has told me there is no way she can make up for the things she has done. She said I have to make a decesion move past this or leave. No radical honest, very small deposits, plenty of withdrawls.

I can no longer be a giver to someone that has not given back. She tells me I think I am a Saint and I tell her I know I am not but you are expecting me to act like one and just forgive you.

Sometimes just writing makes me feel better so I am glad I have this site.

Have you two tried counseling?

Does she post here? If not, have you asked her?

How old are you both, how long married, and do you have any children together?

OK, I read some of your other posts and have the picture.

The alcoholism is a wrench in the works.

I'm not versed in the topic other than to have a peek at what happens to kids raised by alcoholic Moms - my XW is an example.

WAT

Tried couseling and failed at that. LOL. No radical honesty with the MC either.

Been together about 12 years married almost 9 years. Two kids 10 and 6.

She will not read anything that she deems insulting to her. IE if it calls her an A or a WW etc. I think if the label if you want to call it that were "a very good person that has done some bad things" she might read it.

The alcoholism is a wrench in the works because I want her to be sober. She has four months now but it just adds more responsibility to my life. Not only that but she is recieving the message that the past is the past and we cannot fix the past just focus on today. She takes that to mean I should forget about all of the pain.

And one last point. I was raised by and alcoholic father. That makes me an inabler.

The more I post the more I realize I have not done anything right up until this point.

So after the post this morning and we got into it a little again today.

10 year old not doing homework. We agreed that she would be responsible for helping with homework and making sure it is complete. Thats why she works part time. All school year we have had this problem everytime I want to take the responsibility away she gets mad.

Calling home now to figure it out. When I get upset it she will turn it into something about the A and me not forgiving her.

YoH, your story is a very sad one. I get the impression that something is missing here, though. If I read your story right, you agreed to let your wife travel to the other side of the country for six weeks WITH the kids. You admit you couldn't afford this, but agreed anyway.
I'm guessing she was supposed to help out in a wedding? First off, even if it was her own daughter, who needs 6 weeks "on site" to plan a wedding? Doesn't sound like anyone's rolling in $$$, so the wedding couldn't have been THAT extravagant (thinking of Charles and Lady Di). Sooooo, were you aready having troubles, and thought of this like a "trial separation?" Or, was she really depressed, and you thought that spending some time with family would be good for her?
I agree with WAT that the alcohol is a factor. Question is: Is the alcohol the root cause, or just a symptom of something much greater? I come from a family and circle of friends where many folks have used alcohol to "self medicate" and make the pain in their lives seem more bearable. Some of these folks had general depression, but some had personality disorder, and one or two even have bi-polar disorder.
If your wife is smart, and quick on her feet, she might be able to fool most counselors and hide a mental illness for sometime, but I see some early warning markers of bi-polar disorder in your story: the extended trip cross country with the kids when you disapproved of it, spending a fortune on herself when you couldn't afford it, falling into another man's arms almost immediately, and making no effort to hide it. This sounds like a woman spiraling out of control--not an otherwise healthy, but "fogged" individual. If this is the case, I'm guessing your wife has demons that will need to be addressed BEFORE any attempt to heal the marriage. Take a long, hard look. Even with the alcoholism aside, her behavior is erratic and violent---something that may require you to get the kids out of the picture while she tries to heal. Not saying "plan B," but to look out for their safety. This situation does not sound "normal" to me. Best wishes, and please look out for yourself and your children first--you cannot help her heal if she drives you over the edge, too.

Very insightful.

First the trip part. We could not afford the trip. She told me that she would get a job to pay for the tickets and didn't. I never agree to let her take the trip. I guess it was an important part I left out. She called me at work one day and said she wanted to go back for 3 or 4 weeks after she agreed to only go back for the wedding. I told her we needed to discuss it later. She kept hounding me about the trip. I held my ground and said we need to discuss it. When I wrapped up the call she said it wouldn't cost us anything becuase she would also work when she got there for one of her friends for spending money. I said ok we will talk about it. She didn't here the we will talk about it part she heard the ok and bought the tickets not for 3 to 4 weeks but for 6 weeks.

She wasn't just there for the wedding she is actually from there. The trip was supposed to be for the wedding and to visit with family for the summer.

I was furious about the 6 weeks from the day she bought the tickets. I never agreed to it but the tickets were non refundable.

You by the way are very insightful. The second MC wanted to just work on her after the first few visits.

She was abused as a child by her father but thinks she is fine with it. I have pushed her to get counseling for that but she refuses that too.

I just got off the phone with her regarding the 10 year olds homework and of course she was hostile because I told her that we agreed that she would be responsible for homework because she works part time. Boy did I get an earfull for that one. Now I have to be responsible for it.

Her behaviour is not really erratic she has always been focused on herself and her wants needs and desires. I think she wanted an affair so she did it. She lacks impulse control. See it want it take it.

Now that she is in AA she is gone a couple nights a week anyway. She loves the program though because it tells her she needs to focus on herself like she hasn't been doing that for a long time now.

Never been to AA, but I think there are a few steps in there that require the addicted-one to try to apologize honestly to the aggrieved parties. Probably a little further down the line. Perhaps you might want to attend some Al-anon meetings, see if her behavior fits the classic alcoholic patterns. It just seems so strange that she would "hook-up" so quickly and so blatantly.

If that's normal behavior, then I have some questions for you: What is it you like about her? What made you fall in love with her? What is it about her that made you think she would be a good mother? Are those traits still there? Was the alcohol a factor before the marriage? Was the OM also a heavy drinker and you are not? You don't have to answer these for me, but I'd think you'd want to answer them for yourself.

My husband has this really strange habit of surrounding himself with heavy drinkers and alch's. I'm also a heavy drinker. Funny thing: he is not. Yet, he'd go to bars with me or with friends, and watch us get totally wasted and do stupid things. (Ok, I've been working on mine, and I'm a much more stable person now than I was 20 years ago, but he was somehow attracted to me when I was such a crazy partier/drunk.) Yet he rarely ever gets drunk and only drinks when out with friends. So why does he surround himself with these drunks? Does it make him feel better about himself, when he can laugh at others? Does he like to use it as an equalizer...i.e., "You may be stronger than me, but at least I'm not a drunk"? I don't know the answer.

All I'm suggesting is, were you attracted to a narcissitic, selfish, immature, bad mother when you asked her to marry you? Either you were, and now you've changed, or she wasn't, and something has changed in her. It sounds to me like she had been holding up her end of the marriage (with some faults, as we all have) but then totally bailed. Not just fog-like bailing, either. If she does have internal issues to deal with, I think the old, "horse to water" adage applies; she has to decide to help herself.

Ok. I have always been a social drinker. I think the last time I had a drink was 2 or three months ago but thats normal for me.

Was she like this when I met her. NO

The change occured about 5 or 6 years ago. She wanted to move back to where she grew up. From that time forward things changed. At the same time she decided to get lypo and a boob job. That really changed everything.

She was giving and caring and when we were together I felt whole. She was the yin to my yang.

BTW I never said we couldn't move back to where she grew up I just said we needed the money to do it. She decided from this point forward that she was giving enough because she did not live where she wanted to. She became a hugh taker and has continued down that road.

We went to an MC then too to discuss moving. MC said she needed work on our marriage because something is wrong if she is not happy now. She disagreed with the MC so we stopped going.

I don't know much about the OM though but I am sure he plied her full of liquor. Then again I had friends that drank to much sometimes so because they wanted to do something that they would regret and they could blame it on the alcohol.

Yes there is a moral inventory and making ammends but I don't know if I am going to be on that list.