Hello. It has been some time since I've visited the Marriage Builder's Forums.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 7 years. We are both 48. We've known each other since we were 15. (Though we had limited contact with each other for 20 years or so.) A short 6 weeks after our wedding, he began an affair with my sister-in-law (my brother's wife). That affair lasted about 2 months. That is when I first discovered Marriage Builders.

It has been a long haul, but we got through affair #1. We went to a counselor for a few years and husband also saw an individual counselor for a bit. I never recovered 100% from the effects of that affair -- Mainly because it happened so early in our marriage when a firm foundation had not yet been set, and because it tore my family (brother and nephews) from my life.

Two years passed and husband had an online and phone affair for about a month with someone who did not realize he was married -- until I found an email she'd sent to him and gave her the news that he was. As far as I know, that ended that affair and things seemed "o.k." for the last 5 years or so. Our relationship definately has issues, none that I thought were "deal breakers". Until last night that is....

That is when I discovered an eamil exchange between husband and an OW. I asked my husband about it and of course he denied anything was going on -- He claimed she was just a friend he'd met online playing cribbage (same way he met online/phone affair #1). He held to that story, but I asked him to leave the house. He packed some things and left to spend the night @ a hotel. After he left, I found 2 email accounts of his and read the correspondence between husband and OW from the last month (which is apparently how long this has been going on). I felt I had to read the emails to get the true story, as from past experience, everything is "deny, deny deny" unless I had proof. Within 2 weeks of "knowing" each other, they were talking of being in love, that they were going to be together forever, she pushed him to complete paper work so he could live/work in the country she lives in (and he complied with her request), and he's started looking for jobs where she lives. He is traveling next week on business and they are scheduled to meet ftf.

I believe OW is married and has two small children.

I did email OW and suggested she stop contacting my husband. Of couse upon receipt of that email, she picked up the phone and called him. (He told me that when I spoke with him on the phone this morning.)

I've rambled on, sorry, but you know how that goes...

So why I am here? What do I do next? I don't know. Have I already made mistakes by asking husband to leave the house? By emailing OW? I read the Marriage Builders concepts 7 years ago. I suppose a refresher is due, but I'm having trouble focusing.

Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for any input.

Dapper,

What you do next depends on what you want. It seems to me that your WH hasn't ever really been faithful to you. The fact that you have caught him more than once makes me think that there have been other "incidents" that you may not be aware of.

I believe that S Harley has indicated that it becomes more and more difficult to rebuild a marriage after repeated infidelities and that a marriage in this situation perhaps shouldn't recover.

Have you asked your WH why he feels the need to have relationships with OW? It really does sound to me like he (and your marriage) may have more problems than MB can deal with. JMVHO

Who

Thank you for your input. You are right -- I don't know what I don't know...WH is a person who eventually lets his guilt be shown in ways that indicate to me something is going on with him, so I think I know when he has been unfaithful, but again, I don't know what I don't know.

As to the reasons for this most recent relationship, he says our relationship lacks passion (we once had it, but I agree we don't now), and that my gaining weight and not losing the weight has affected that and his desire for me. I haven't asked him point blank, but I'm assumng OW makes him feel passionate. He said he/we are in a rut in general (I agree) -- His relationship w/OW is pulling him from that rut.

dapper

a marriage rut does not usually mean we can/should ignore our moral compass

is he the man you want to remain married to for the rest of your life as is ???

is he committed to making changes within himself so this never happends again?

Pep

It is absolutely essential that you immediately contact the OW's husband and expose the affair to him. Nothing quite kills an affair like the oxygen of exposure. Do it as soon as possible.