I haven't felt the "chemistry" at first sight feeling since sometime back in High School. But, I can tell you that sometimes it's worth it to "hang in there" if you don't feel those things at the beginning. My first serious boyfriend post-divorce was a fella that my friend fixed me up with. I went out to lunch with him - and my first thought was "what a dork".....shame on me....but he was nice enough - so when he asked me for my phone number, I gave it to him. He called - and even though I still thought he was a dork, I agreed to a 2nd date. Had a good enough time, but no "tingles" or "chemistry". Four dates later, I learned that he was a wonderful person, kind, caring, respectful, hard working, loved his kids, had an awesome sense of humor, loved his church, loved life in general. Around date #5, I started feeling those "tingles" - and we had our first kiss - and WHAMMO - here comes the "chemistry". Although at first glance, I didn't think he was the coolest, most handsome fellow in the world, after taking the time to really get to know this man, he became the most handsome and great guy in the world to me! So, there is truth to taking the time to really get to know someone!

Mmmm...I wish it was so easy to define...

I've experienced the "tinglies" with women of varying types. Race and age hasn't been an issue (except for very young women, say under 25).

I think what gets me is probably an innate sense of self and confidence. She's open without being needy...not icy. She's respectful of those around her without being submissive.

Physically...well dressed and groomed. Likes being a woman. Makes the most of her body and is comfortable in it. Great smile, eyes.

It's not about weight (except in the extreme)...I've met some large ladies who were VERY sexy. Oddly, I've never met a very thin one that I thought was. I prefer healthy - voluptuous and/or athletic.
Healthy skin, hair, teeth. Smoking and large tattoos are non-starters for me.

Oh yeah...wedding rings are non-starters for me...

In my case, I just listed things that would attract or turn me off at first sight. I don't have to have those things and would definitely look for other things in a relationship. It's just what gets my attention to want to find out more about a person. I would look much more at personality and spiritual than physical traits for a boyfriend.

I do get a tingling feeling when I find someone attractive. But then, I'm a hopeless romantic.

Whoops, think I got caught up in the moment.
While the things I mentioned would catch my attention by all means, I think I'm thinking more idealistic.


Karona

Ladies, I tread here very gingerly (and probably against my own better judgement).

Like most men, initial attraction is visual. I'm a "butt man"! OK, I've said it. The first thing I notice about a woman is her butt. Other body parts follow in no particular order, other then legs, eyes/face, hair. Somewhere in this split-second analysis is a silent question I ask myself...can I pick her up and carry her away (shrug) - you asked, and no I can't explain it!

Not having been in the "dating game" for a very long time (35 years), I'm afraid I'd have to play face to face interaction by ear. I suppose I'd appreciate sincerity and common sense, definitely a sense of "playfulness" (people who are too serious put me off).

with all due respect to Al Pacino...the scent of a woman

Turn Ons

1. A good German dark beer!

Oh, you were talking about the opposite sex...

1. Easy going but with a backbone
2. Repects himself and others
3. Good personal hygiene
4. Animal lover - especially things with fur.
5. Doesn't take himself too seroiusly - can laugh at himself
6. Secure enough in his masculinity to admit that Robert
Redford really is a good looking guy.

Turn Offs

1. SMOKERS (ditto on that one girls!)
2. Right Wing conspiracy theorists
3. Himbo's ( the male bimbo equivalent)
4. The octopus
5. More hair on the back than on their head
6. Mullets

*snort*

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey nams,

Found an interesting line from Dr. Shirley Glass. Perhaps you all will find it as interesting as I:

"One of the most interesting observations about attraction is that it's usually the thing that initially attracted you to another person that eventually drives you crazy. "

Hmmmm...

Hi Ron,

I got a kick out of your "can I pick her up & carry her away" remark. Interesting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I've noticed that qualities that attract eventually become those that drive us crazy. I'm something of a case in point. ex was a POOR communicator which left me thirsting for conversation & the intimacy that I feel from that. I didn't realize I had that need so shruged off his inability to be verbally intimate thinking it really didn't matter much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I [censored]-u-me-d his lack of verbal skill meant he was emotionally together. Bad choice on my part as assumptions usually are.

The good new is I now know I need conversation & what it does for me in terms of feeling close with my partner. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ron, can I ask you a question? I'll ask & if you don't want to answer that's fine.

In your signature line you say "wife called away" & "d-day(this time)", can you clarify that please.

This may sound crazy to you, it kinda does to me but I've learned to at least express these feelings: I get something familiar about you but I don't recall any conversation here between us. What do you think about that?

I so want to post on this thread, but it's been so long that I can even remember what gives me tinglies.

When I have the time, perhaps I'll make a list.

I don't expect the tinglies anytime soon.

Hi nams,

I have no problems answering your questions. Although the story is long and convoluted (and spans several years here @ MB), the short version is:

multiple affairs spanning 26 years (of a 32+ year marriage), first affair was 7 years into our marriage when she decided to "play house" with our best man - eventually got pregnant w/his baby but aborted pregnancy, all while I was away on active military duty, multiple internet EA's following the death of our son in 1996, 4 additional PA over the 22 months preceeding d-day. I learned of ALL affairs (except for 2 EA from 2000) on d-day.

My wife died of AIDS last April 5th.

Ron53~

You just took my breath away.

I'm speechless.

I'm sorry for ALL your pain.

Karona

Karona,

You should read the unabridged version...got some good Believer, WAT, JL, PureBob, Aussie, RIF, LemonMan input.

It still makes ME shake my head...

Hi Ron, I was just about to shut down the computer when I thought to check here.

Thank you for answering & I too am sorry for all the pain you clearly must have suffered. I was a military wife & it's difficult for everyone. I don't say that to excuse your wife's behavior in anyway because there is no excuse for that.

What did you think about the other part of my post? About familiarity? Perhaps it's your writing style but something has struck me.

Gotta go teach pottery. I'll check back later if you care to answer.

Thanks Ron.

Ron53~

Tell me where to read, and I will.
Again, I am sorry for your heartaches.

Karona

Hi nams,

Don't know. Don't believe we've ever crossed paths here @ MB. As you can tell, I'm not a prolific poster; generally seek to absorb as much as possible in a (probably) vain attempt to figure out what the he!! happened in my life.

Can't speak to the writing style. I do know John Updike, and had his father as a teacher in school though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Karona,

I suppose the easiest means is to break things into pieces:

*Beginning

*she decides to stay

*Response to LemonMan question

*BobPure response

*Melodylane & serial adultery

*the "support thread"

*reflects on PTSD

Of course, if you want to wade through it all then...


here's everything

Sorry that's it's not very organized, but life after betrayal never is...

What tingles me at first sight?

1. long hair, peferably brunette, but a blond will do
2. Bright eyes
3. A genuine interest in me
4. Good conversationalist
5. Natural look (make up is OK as long as it doesn't stand out very much.
6. Good figure

What dulls the senses?

1. Crabby disposition
2. Ratty or man-like clothing
3. Overweight
4. Bad breath

Tinglies:

Eyes that twinkle with laughter
Sense of Humor
Tall, over 6'
Blue eyes that hold my gaze just a second longer than necessary
Lean, slightly muscular build (like a swimmer)
Buns that fill out Levi's properly
Subtle cologne
Chivalry
Baseball caps, tshirt and jeans

Turnoffs:

Bad breath/b.o.
Smoking
Excessive profanity
Vulgar sense of humor
Vanity
Arrogance
Loudness/Obnoxiousness (hey, look at me! behavior)
Talking about how much money they make or name dropping