HA! Yes. It didn't stop him, and I couldn't control him. Maybe I haven't internalized the "his choice/my choice" thing nearly as much as I thought.




My initial reaction was to argue with you about this. It's for ME that I want him home, in my bed, pick him up to meet my need to know he's safe ..... ugh. Realized what I was saying, and that it absolutely underlines your point.

I wanted to babysit, mother, control. Control Cause Cure .... I thought I already learned this lesson.

::::::

Lots and lots to keep practicing!!!!!!

Thanks for being so patient with me as I feel my way around some of this.

-AmI.

Thank you! I needed that reminder!!



I think it was reinforcement more than a new learning .... reinforced that I have choices. I can show love, whether or not he shows it back. And it's also ok to acknowledge that I'm hurting. That I want better than this, and it hurts to be where we are right now. Settling for grasping at the rarest, most slight hints of affection or attention. That's not how things are supposed to be on your anniversary.


I know, shoulds and supposed to's are killers. They really came and got me on this anniversary thing, though!! It's hard to count the blessings when I really want so much better.

Impatience, wanting what I want when I want it, wanting control ...


Just when I think I'm learning these things.....

-AmI

HI! Good Morning! I'm in awe of the wealth of info in the last few posts. I'm happy to see you so aware of what's going on with self.

I feel lost and your info really made me think. I shouldn't have brought the kids to H the other night. I think I enabled. I said I was going to stay home for self, and yet deceived myself saying it was so the kids could see the bikes. UGHHH! So easily influenced, why? I always do that!

Well, you have a great day! I'm still home with Pink-eye, back to work tomorrow!

Hi, Rin!

I think I might not mind getting pink-eye if it was a good excuse to stay home and relax a couple of days! Have you caught up on your sleep yet?

Tha bad part is going back to the big piles that have accumulated at work. Those are no fun.


Seems like we've both been learning a lot recently. My poor brain is going to fall out pretty soon! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


-AmI

Hey, you, two...

We've lived in a DJ mindset, enmeshed with others for most of our lives...until now. Yeah, we're gonna self-deceive...tell ourselves we're doing one thing and not really our intent...and we're going to catch ourselves (yay AmI and yay Rin!) and that will teach us, no, that's not what we want.

Retraining our brain, sync'ing with our hearts and beliefs...takes time, consistency, and awareness.

You guys are BIG on awareness (Rin has both pink eyes open all the time)...do not grade yourselves, judge, estimate or assess...accept...congratulate and know you're in a process.

I see two perfectionistic little girls inside two amazing women...and the girls don't know they don't have to be perfect or do anything perfectly...I know these two women are going to mother the heck out of their girls and reach that place where they know, through and through, how marvelous they are, 24/7.

Breathe...accept...know...

BAK!

Oh, that's bad...that's terrible...I love it.

LA

So, it's been a couple of weeks of just distance. No cursing, though.

Until today.

The clothes rods in our closet fell down recently, and he's been talking about getting them fixed, but hasn't had a chance to do it. I had asked him to lunch today, and he didn't want to go, so I went home for lunch instead. He and the kids showed up from going to lunch shortly after I got home.

He might have thought there would be a confrontation about lunch or something -- I'm not sure. But he was trying to avoid me and so he decided that the closet needed to be fixed right then. He went and got the drill out, and then realized that there was "no *** power outlet in the *** closet". (Those are my stars, I'm self-H-editing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

So I helped him find the closest outlet and then he wanted a *** extension cord. I went to look for one, but it took a few minutes, we didn't have any in the house that weren't being used. So he tells me to never *** mind, he found one. I went in the bedroom and he was pulling out the one we use for the TV in our room. Which was fine, except that it's behind a huge entertainment center and is stuck between that and the base-board heater. So he tells me to "get the *** over on the *** back side of the *** *** *** *** entertainment center and get the *** cord the *** out of there."

Before I even get back there, he's yanking on it and trying to push the entertainment center over, and finally breaks the heater to get the cord free. Yelling all the time about living in a *** dump, h3ll hole, blah blah blah.


Soooooooo ..... boundaries, right? I said "You seem pretty angry about something. I'm going back to work. I'll help you fix this later if you want me to." and just left. I'm pretty sure he didn't even hear me. He started the drill up as I was in mid-sentence.

I think I should have taken the kids out of the situation, too, except that would have caused a fight. I just told them to stay out of his way and make sure they had finished what he'd told them to get done.

This was the tiniest of babysteps, at least I said something and did something, wasn't mothering or doormatting too much, but I could have done much better. Was leaving the house CA?

I do want to bring this up at MC, to brainstorm boundaries and consequences, like LA suggested, but it seems like we have a lot on our plate at MC before we get that far.

Maybe I say it later, when he's calmed down? "I was really upset that you were cursing and breaking things earlier today." That sounds like talking to a two year old. Or how about "When do you plan on fixing the heater you broke this morning?" Ugh, can I say condescending???


::::::
I'm tired of learning things. Somebody please let me borrow your Easy button for a little while....

HI, I've got plenty of rest, back to work tomorrow. I've cleaned the boy's room, organized it and done all the dirty clothes in the house. I'm not use to staying home and it's driving me crazy. LOL I couldn't handle myself so much this afternoon, I went to sleep for a few hours! LOL I felt like I was working myself up! I wrote a great post and couldn't post it! HA!

Perfectionist...could it be our signs...I'm a libra you know! LOL

Well, I'm off to get some supper and the last batch of clothes folded. Then I need to check out grieving my past and accepting my new reality like HL said. New reality, didn't think about it like that before! LOL

AmI,

Remove your desire for an easy button...that's your child, full of self-doubt...and your adult self knows you did choose to react differently.

"Was leaving the house CA?"

Self-doubt.

You know the difference. You spoke before you left.

If you use this example in your head, you'll have taken this boundary enforcement a step further...by the extension cord hunt...you would have laughed and said, "Honey, I love you. I'm not going to be around your cursing because I'll resent you for it. I'm going back to work." With a hug and kiss...you're gone.

What to say later? "I respect you control yourself...you choose everything you say. Cursing is an aggressive choice. Each object you said an obscenity to, I felt it was at me, even though I know it wasn't. I'm learning."

"Next time, I will not attempt to aid you when you're cursing. I will remove the kids from earshot and remind myself, this isn't about me and assure them, it isn't about them."

How's that?

Even later...as you get really comfortable in your boundaries and enforcements, and something similar happens (might not), you can hold his two hands in yours and ask him to sit down with you, looking into his eyes, you can say, "I see you're really upset with anger. I cherish you more than the closet rods or my work. If you choose to share with me what your anger is about, I will listen."

Then you lock into only listen and repeat...to really here...no DJs or leaps...just right there.

He was acting out emotions instead of having them. I think you know what that's like...doesn't absolve it to know it.

Your CA really reared up with the thought to take the children out would cause a fight. That's your CA thought...and you know them when you choose a different action based on a possible response.

Is your goal to get him to not act out or is it to know what your choices are when he does?

:::picking my teeth with a fairy wand and smirking:::

Okay, I don't smirk well, but you get the idea.

LA

How come I can't come up with things like that???? I love the laugh and tell him I won't be around it and leave response.

My goal is to know what my choices are when he does act up. I am so used to avoiding conflict competely and trying to smooth things over that it's hard for me to see other options. I'm taking little baby steps and trying to learn from each time along the way.

It bothers me that I'm modeling CA for the kids. I told them this afternoon when I left to stay out of Dad's way and do what he says -- don't make him mad. That's not what I want them to learn. I want them to learn that there is an ok way to remove yourself from bad situations, and that I will protect them. I have a lot to get practiced at so I can model it!

-AmI

Might I suggest a look at your possible responses...the ones you were mulling...which were motherly...add "acting up" to that one...

Hey, no bash...a mindset. I did it for years. I didn't realize I was coaching myself to mother...which is to control...so I get really picky with my sentences...words matter, ESPECIALLY in my head.

Acting out...not up.

Why can't you come up with things like that? Goes to mindset, that truly separate and equal...and really getting you're in an adult marriage...because, I agree, doesn't look that way a lot of the time...didn't to me...until I chose another perspective.

Predetermined, progressive boundary enforcements. Not in the moment...predetermined.

Practice...practicing in your head the simple sentences of enforcement. Hopper on head and lots of breathing to enact.

Your baby steps are beautiful. Let go the modeling of CA to the kids for now...stopping the CA compulsion is more important than self-kicking. If you believe (and yes, being a mother AND a wife, simultaneously, is actually difficult!), that punishment ensures no more bad behavior, then you're giving yourself punishment to ensure no more self-betrayal.

I think you've acted from that belief all of your life...how's that working for you?

Teaching children they can respectfully protect themselves is the key to emotionally balanced adults...for your children. You're learning this now...your children will benefit. Trust the future and let go the past, Missy AmI.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Practicing in your own head...have you heard that saying, "Your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, and your actions become your destiny"?

Behind those thoughts are beliefs...desires...expectations and wishful thinking...your thoughts will become your words (or in your CA mode, silent word actions)...look to yourself, AmI...far more beautiful than you're choosing to see.

LA

Well, AmI, so many times I have found myself in the same situation, telling to kids, watch out dad's in a bad mood. Warning them, protecting them, steering them clear...

We're both in the learning process on that one...it hard, sweetie, I know! It doesn't seems to be other choices but there are...so many other choices! The way I figure it any choice is better than what I have been doing because that doesn't work as we know! Sooner, hopefully, rather than later, I'll know I found the right choice for me. I'm sure it will feel great and I will know in my heart I've done the right thing.

But I think by telling our kids to avoid dad we are teaching them to be distant from their fathers. DH may be angry or upset with me but doesn't mean he'll treat them the same way, at least not in my house. DH will open up to them when he doesn't feel comfortable with me. What are you doing by telling the kids to avoid dad when he's angry? That's what I had to think about...was I adding to the chaos. If I flipped that, would I want DH to say that to the kids about you? Once you have your guard up how do you take it down and still feel safe?

So, H has been avoiding questions about our vacation which we have promised the kids all summer, but keep putting off for his work schedule. He will say that he's going to request time off, or that he doesn't know if he's going to be able to get it, or whatever ... and then another week and another week and another week goes by and nothing happens.

So here's my next baby step, which I'm pretty proud of.

I told him at lunch today that I have all of next week off. That I am going to get tickets and makeplans for the following activities (and gave him the short list), and does he want to go with us, or should I just plan it for the kids and I? He said he just didn't want to burn the vacation days. I said "Ok. We'll just plan on the three of us, then. We'll miss you!"

He looked like I had shot him. He said "You're going to go anyway? How long are you going to be gone?"

I told him yes, that there wasn't a final schedule yet, but my guess was that we'd probably be gone until Friday or Saturday. He didn't like that at all. He said "I thought you said it wouldn't be all week?"

I said "That's when I thought that we'd need to work around your work schedule and minimize the days off that you would have to take. Now that we don't have to worry about that, we can add some more fun things to the itinerary."

Then I just smiled and touched his arm and walked away.

I feel good about this. I didn't mother him, I let him make his own choices and I made mine. I found middle ground between CA / doormat (just not going because he didn't commit) and warden/controlling (which I don't know what that would have been? Trying to "force" him to go or something?). The kids and I still get our vacation ... and he gets to spend a week missing us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Another baby step ... tomorrow is our anniversary. I got him a mushy card and a small photo album that says something like "remember all the good times" on the front. I've been digging through all of our photos and will get finish getting that all filled up tonight with fun, happy pictures of the two of us and all of us as a family. He's very into photos, always taking tons and tons of them, so this is a good, thoughtful, not-too-dramatic-or-elaborate gift. My mom is coming over to pick up the kids so he and I can go to lunch together.

Just enough of a little nod to the day without trying to make a big production out of it that could end up being disappointing.


Baby steps ... but they are getting a little bit better.

-AmI.

That's a wonderful idea! AmI, that's my girl! I really liked the:
It can't be disappointing if you have no, no expectation!

Did you read Mulan's advice to SHMI this morning? That sounds great with the vacation! CAn I GO...oh, I can't I just missed some work...shot! :::pouting::: (I learned that one well, LOL!)

You are really inspiring me today! Baby steps, uh? Cool! Watch out I've got my PINKEYE on you... LOL

I don't know who helps me same sane more you, LA, HL, or HB! If I could just shake of the anxiety of going home...fear of the unknown...the distance...I can do it! I can do it!

Come on AmI, say it with me Richard Simmons' style!

Thanks, Rin.

I don't feel very inspiring today. I am right now very nervous about our "lunch date", suddenly feeling like my little album is inadequate ... trying not to have any expectations ....

Reminding myself ... be still ... breathe .... baby steps, baby steps, baby steps....

Happy Anniversary...Happy Anniversary...Happy Anniversary...Happy Anniversary! (That's from the Flintstones...you're supposed to sing it.)

Get in touch with your choice to love...to be...your act of love, the album and card...are loving and wonderful...generous...know this about yourself. You define you. Not shabby at all, toots.

You didn't do it based on his possible response...you did it for you, too...and that's good...Anniversaries celebrate two people...their union's birth...

Yours.

Get yourself set on this perspective...it's true and real. You're acting from love...from your own code...let go the results, 'k?

You know, minding you being in love with him is important, too...we have a lot to do with that...not just him.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((AmI)))

LA

Well, I thought that I had let go the results ... really felt good about having done something loving -- out of my choice, and not expecting any reaction.

But I guess I was expecting too much.

He didn't even look at it. I handed him the card and album, and he just set them aside and didn't even glance at them. Just started telling a story about work last night. When we got home, he just set them on the counter, in his "junk" pile. I don't think he even knows it was an album.

I was disappointed.

But I choose to love, and act lovingly. It's my choice, my love ... I can give it and do it regardless of his reaction.

I can still be sad about his lack of a reaction, though, too. This cold distance thing really, really sucks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


-AmI

(((((((((((((AmI)))))))))))))

Oh, sweetie! :::pat,pat, pat...on your back, hugging you tighter:::

Are you ready to brush your shoulders off?

Hey, where's my gal who speaks up?

"I gave you my heartfelt anniversary present. I don't feel like you acknowledged I gave you a gift."

Pleasant, truthful...

Then you can let go the results...and none of that, "Well, he should have been thrilled, or touched or something!!" Wait to hear what he thinks and feels...asking for acknowledgement is respectful.

Was that plaster bits on her shoulders, Rin, from the ceiling fall in? Or did she tackle him and beat him to a pulp in the dirt?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there...a process...not perfection...you are getting this, AmI...God is with you...

LA

I was thinking dirt to be honest!

I wanted to say @ss!

LOL

"Hey, where's my gal who speaks up?"


She is confused about letting go of the result, and just acting out of love, or saying something.

All the way home, I wanted to say something (the response I had in my head was a little more sarcastic than what LA suggested), but I kept telling myself no, that his reaction -- or lack thereof -- was his. To let it go, I'd done my part .... I choose to love, not based on his reaction or the outcome.

I was so geared up to be ok with whatever response there was that I guess I thought I had to be ok with no response at all.

::::::::

process, process, process......


My DD baked and decorated an anniversary cake for us, all by herself. I was ooooohing and ahhhhhing over it, and telling her how impressed I was, and H was trying to pretend like it wasn't there at all. Even when she asked him what he thought of it, he pretended he didn't hear her.

You know, I can understand that this is kind of an uncomfortable day. But is it really so bad to acknowledge that it exists?

UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!